Is t manipulating me?

Well, everyone, I'm really kind of down on myself today because I went to therapy and could not bring myself to raise the topics of the shirt, the phone calls, the manipulation (shirt, phone) up. And the more I think about it, the more manipulated I feel. Actually, it's been crazy-making to have to again and again second guess myself about my t's behavior. At this point, I'm really choosing to trust my instincts. Yes, it's manipulative. And here's the ridiculous aspect.....during the session, I was taking on a difficult topic and backed off and then was talking about something else (less anxiety-provoking) and slowly circling back to the topic. I was joking about my tendency to avoid the tough topic, stalling and I asked him if he knew what I meant and he said....(you can probably predict this).... ARE YOU TESTING ME?

I about fell out, as you can imagine.

I'm also feeling that this therapy is coming to a very natural ending, due to some of these dynamics. It makes me sad because I've done a lot of positive things

Thanks for the update on how the session went. Sorry you couldn't get the words out. This is one of the most difficult things in therapy for me - I can go for weeks, months stalling on one particular thing, knowing what I want to say but not being able to bring it up. Out of desperation I've decided to try writing something down. Figuring out just what it is I want to say and getting the words down on paper. I'm feeling this is the only way I'm going to get this particular subject out. I'll try to read it, but if I can't, I'm simply going to hand him the piece of paper and let him read it. Chicken, I know, but at least it will get the subject out in the open.

I hope you can bring yourself to raise the subject with him ... somehow. Maybe standing up for yourself and saying, "I don't like to be manipulated" is something that will help your progress? I don't know - it's your decision to end therapy if you wish. But if you want to stop seeing him, then why not bring it up anyway? Does it matter what he thinks then anyway?? Just my thoughts ... I feel for you. I can see that you are beating yourself up over this.

oh yes, I am beating myself up over not being able to bring up topics that are around the relationship between me and my therapist. And knowing several people who have also worked with him and have not done so, and later left, makes this seem even more important. If I'm going to leave, then I might as well bring it up..you are so right! Then, at least there is an "upside" gain to leaving. I will have had the experience of dealing with something so uncomfortable. I find that I'm more avoidant than I had thought before I started this therapy. Also, I can tell that I'm the MOST avoidant with white men that I perceive as being in a position of power -- which this particular T uses to his advantage, in my view. All in all, lots of learning going on.

I would wait and handle each item as it comes up. You don't really have to worry about him and why/if he is doing stuff deliberately; the next time an alarm goes off, tell him you find that very distracting and would he please turn off the alarm during your sessions. That's not an unreasonable request!

I think with the sport shirt buttons, since he doesn't do it during session that he may just be a slob and sometimes not bother buttoning the shirt, there's usually only like 3-5 buttons on a sport shirt like that?

http://www.teerrifictees.com/content...rt%20Shirt.jpg

I think you said he asks about whether it's all right to make some of the phone calls? I would tell him "I would rather you did not; it breaks my concentration and makes me feel like this time I am paying for is not about me" and leave it at that?

I love the idea of dealing with these things as they arise. My problem in therapy (and life) is to let things go ...my jaw drops and then obsess about the things later. I rarely bring things up IN THE MOMENT. Part of the reason is that I'm afraid, for whatever reason, to just raise the issue with questions, which can be really constructive. I could just say, you know I've noticed that you have a lot of phone calls during session and you leap out of the chair to get them...or turn off the ringer and I'm wondering what's going on? Is there some emergency that you need to handle? I'm hoping that somehow I can broach the subject!

Oh, if he turns off the ringer; my T sometimes had to do that as she'd forget to do it before the session. If they're using the phone before our session or have partners and are on phone answering detail for lunch or something or are the only ones in the office, etc. they might have a problem once in awhile but forgetting all the time is not good.

I often dealt with things initially with sarcasm; I'd make some slightly snide comment. But my T was really on top of things most of the time; would get angry if people/other therapists were standing in the hallway outside the door of our office talking and would open the door and glare at them or ask them to move away, etc.

Oh no don't beat your self up. Look if you could get a good handle on what your T is doing and express it in a clear non emotional way to T and deal with whatever reaction he may have, then maybe you don't need to be seeing a T at all. We are enaged in this relationship with our T's precisely because we have difficulties in certain areas of our life. I think it is good to have challenges from T's, but I know if my T started playing covert games with me, I would lose trust in him and run a mile. It has to be a balance and I believe a good T shoud get this balance of challenging, but supporting absolutely right for each of their clients.

It sounds as if this experience has taught you alot about many things and that has to be a good thing. However it sounds as if unless you can raise this issue with T and come to a satisfactory outcome, then your progress with him may be impeded.

Would it help to write down the pros and cons of telling T, or pros and cons of staying with this T to help you to decide.

Good luck - let us know how it goes