[Transcending1]

I've been in therapy for 9 months with the same therapist. I felt some forward progress in the first 4 months, but have felt stuck since then. In fact, for the past 2 months I've felt worse than I did before starting. I've told him multiple times in the past 2 months that things aren't going well and I feel stuck. Although I've developed an alliance with him, I don't feel that he is capable of helping me. I have a major issue with his inability to hold the frame (namely, being late EVERY session). I discussed this with him months ago, but he has yet to alter his behavior. Anyways, a couple of sessions ago he was actually early and started the session by apologizing profusely, saying that he is going to be there for my needs from now on (makes me wonder who's needs he was considering before). I was dubious, but became hopeful when he was on time for the following session. At the end of that session, he announces that he is going on vacation for the next three weeks. The following session (the last before vacation) he was 15 mintues late. I now realize that there was no serious intent on his part to uphold his promise. He only made such a production in the hopes of retaining me through his absence. Sadly, I know this behavior will continue when he returns. His tardiness evokes anger and rejection in me which becomes a willful defiance to session disclosure. He doesn't feel reliable to me and I only regret that I haven't considered finding another therapist sooner. So, for the next 3 weeks I'm going shopping. Hopefully I can find a more suitable fit and if so, I'll have a departing session with my current T. I've done a lot of soul searching and have concluded that this will be a painful decision regardless of what I decide.

Trying to look at this break as a positive time to evaluate my progress (or lack thereof) and find a T that truly cares for his patients. I'm struggling with feeling like I'm betraying him and dreading the prospect of starting this whole process over again. Anyone else struggle with switching Ts and how did your T handle the departure?

[sunrise]

Did you get along well with this T besides the being late issue? Do you think you are stuck because of his behavior? (It makes you angry so you can't progress?) I think knowing the answer to these questions will help you choose someone who is a better fit next time around. If you think you are stuck mainly because of his tardiness, but otherwise, things are fine, do you think you can get past this? Or communicate more strongly to your T how important this is to you? Or are you dissatisfied with him in a number of ways?

My T almost always starts sessions late. 15 minutes late is not unusual. But he always gives me the full length of session. I am a pretty casual person so this has not bothered me. When I go see my family doctor, they are always behind schedule too. My T is fantastic and I feel very lucky to have found him. Besides being late he is pretty great in all ways. Sometimes it comes down to a balance. One can tolerate some bad if most is good or if the bad is not a trigger.

Best of luck with this situation.

[Transcending1]

Originally Posted by sunrise

Did you get along well with this T besides the being late issue? Do you think you are stuck because of his behavior? (It makes you angry so you can't progress?) I think knowing the answer to these questions will help you choose someone who is a better fit next time around. If you think you are stuck mainly because of his tardiness, but otherwise, things are fine, do you think you can get past this? Or communicate more strongly to your T how important this is to you? Or are you dissatisfied with him in a number of ways?

My T almost always starts sessions late. 15 minutes late is not unusual. But he always gives me the full length of session. I am a pretty casual person so this has not bothered me. When I go see my family doctor, they are always behind schedule too. My T is fantastic and I feel very lucky to have found him. Besides being late he is pretty great in all ways. Sometimes it comes down to a balance. One can tolerate some bad if most is good or if the bad is not a trigger.

Best of luck with this situation.

The tardiness is the most consistent issue, but there are plenty of other problems. In regards to the tardiness; I am always his 1st client of the day so there is no excuse to be late every time. Not only does he show up late, but has often further delayed sessions by going to get coffee or eating in his office (while I wait on the couch). He sometimes asks if he can text his next client during my session to notify her that he is running behind schedule. I'm certainly not going to tell him that he can't inform his next client (her time is important too). It's also highly distracting to have a client in the waiting room while I'm in session. I've been there a few times and can occassionally hear them talking. These examples constitute a total disregard for the therapeutic frame. I don't see the parallel between T's appts. and the Dr. Doctors don't have set time limits when seeing clients.

He also seems absent or distracted during sessions. He has a habit of picking his nails and teeth, which I find unappealing and distracting. I don't need perfect mirroring, but some things just aren't acceptable. We spent 3 months discussing Oedipal fixation and I made a reference to it during one session and he acted as if we had never discussed it previously. He had a very negative counter-transference reaction to erotic content, to such an extent that he discouraged further discussion of it and conveniently decided to take a "blank slate" approach shortly thereafter.

I feel that he minimizes the impact of my childhood developmental disruptions, saying that they were not anything to be too concerned about. He also kept encouraging me to express positive feelings in regards to my mother and that I might try to reconcile with her. I don't think that his function is to decide what is best for me in that regard. My mother is a narcissistic/histrionic and has caused me a great deal of mental distress. The last thing I need is to subject myself to more degradation.

He also minimized my concerns regarding my need for emotional integration and seems to be colluding with my defensive measures (intellectualization and isolation of affect). I have tried numerous times to establish a better connection to him, but he is uncomfortable with that. I moved from the couch to the chair (a few feet closer) and he expressed his preference for clients to remain on the couch. Makes me wonder why he has a chair there is he doesn't want anyone sitting in it. He claimed it was too distracting for him to have clients in the chair. You see the problem I'm having. I think success in therapy is somewhat dependent on the client being able to develope an idealizing transference, but the guy seems to be more neurotic than I am!

[Flooded]

Originally Posted by Transcending1

Trying to look at this break as a positive time to evaluate my progress (or lack thereof) and find a T that truly cares for his patients. I'm struggling with feeling like I'm betraying him and dreading the prospect of starting this whole process over again. Anyone else struggle with switching Ts and how did your T handle the departure?

It really doesn't matter how your t handles your departure after all, it isn't about him

What matters is if you feel safe, cared about and YOUR needs are being met. From your post, clearly they are not.

[sunrise]

From the sounds of it, it seems amazing you stayed with him for so long.

Originally Posted by Transcending1

I'm struggling with feeling like I'm betraying him and dreading the prospect of starting this whole process over again. Anyone else struggle with switching Ts and how did your T handle the departure?

I am on my second T. Leaving the first one was not a struggle. I didn't really intend to quit seeing her but I had to cancel our appointment for some reason and on the voicemail I left her, I told her I would call to reschedule, and I never did. She called me back once, I called her again. Phone tag. Just didn't pursue it. We had reached the end of our useful time together and I had come to realize we could go no further with her skill set. I am sure she handled it fine. In retrospect, I wish I had gone for a last session to say good-bye, etc., but I just kind of quit by accident so that didn't happen. Ts are supposed to be professionals and take this stuff in stride. Your T is probably as aware as you are that your therapy hasn't gone well and will not be surprised you are leaving. As Flooded wrote, you don't need to be concerned with how your T will handle this.

As for starting the whole process again, you may not need to. You don't need to go over things with your new T that you've already dealt with in therapy with the T you are leaving. Just go to the new T with where you are and don't repeat material that doesn't need to be. The work I did with my second therapist was completely different from the work with my first.

Good luck.

[SoupDragon]

I have in the past considered changing and actually contacted other therapists - both said to talk to my T about it.

I think that the reason I wanted to swap is because I felt stuck, but on reflection I think I had exhausted all the escape channels and all that was left to talk about was the hard stuff - thus changing T's and starting again would buy me more avoidance time.

Saying that, my T is never late and I always feel he is with me during the sessions - I think the obstacles are me and not him.

However I do find the T relationship very confusing, I so feel the push / pull of wanting to be with T and I can understand how hard it must be to actually leave and the feelings of betrayal. But 1 think I have learned from T is to always be interested in my thoughts / feelings without judging them to be good or bad - wonder what your feelings of betrayal are saying to you?

Good luck with finding a new T - sounds like you are coming from a place where you will know what qualities are important in a T.

[ECHOES]

Happy shopping! I would be doing the same thing. His behavior is not helpful and I would not be able to tolerate it - I'd be out shopping too.

Good luck and keep us posted. I hope you find someone who is better able to commit to their patient/client, to you.

[WePow]

If he is not helping you heal, it is time to move on. He will not change his pattern of behaviors. You deserve to have the mental healthcare that will allow you to heal.

[Transcending1]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

I have in the past considered changing and actually contacted other therapists - both said to talk to my T about it.

I think that the reason I wanted to swap is because I felt stuck, but on reflection I think I had exhausted all the escape channels and all that was left to talk about was the hard stuff - thus changing T's and starting again would buy me more avoidance time.

I have considered if this is an avoidant maneouver on my part or if I'm feeling abandoned/rejected due to T going on vacation. These issues may exist to a degree, but I broached some "hard stuff" earlier and he wasn't encouraging, but seemed rather uncomfortable. The longer this goes on, the more frustrated I get with the process. I do have confidence in his knowledge of theory and I have no doubt that he benefits some of his other clients, but he seems to be at a loss with me.

I honestly didn't shop around when I started attending therapy (found him in the yellow pages). I'm thinking now that it was careless of me to not have been more thourough in my search for a T.

[Transcending1]

@soupdragon

The feelings of betrayal no doubt stem from having abusive parents who demanded automatic compliance to their own needs. Family systems that operate in that manner do so with secrecy, keeping the family "secrets." To sever my attachment relationship with T and cultivate a new one is symbolic of violating the family maxim to remain loyal to the attachment figure regardless of personal costs. So, on some level, I'm more concerned with T's needs than my own. Maybe it IS time for a change *sigh*

[skysblue]

Transcending - please make a change. Your T sounds horrible. Make the break. I've had a couple small ruptures with my T but all in all I think she's great. She has never done anything like what your T has done. My goodness. Stop second guessing yourself. Get out of there.

[Transcending1]

Thanks to everyone for the input. I have an appointment today with a psychologist.

Skysblue-I know you're right, it's time for me to go, but I'm damn conflicted. I feel like I gave up on him and myself, but I did try hard to make this work. In spite of all the mis-attunements, I am attached to him and find the prospect of not seeing him again to be devastating. I don't want to mourn any more object loss right now and the whole experience feels like it damaged me in some way

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by Transcending1

@soupdragon

The feelings of betrayal no doubt stem from having abusive parents who demanded automatic compliance to their own needs. Family systems that operate in that manner do so with secrecy, keeping the family "secrets." To sever my attachment relationship with T and cultivate a new one is symbolic of violating the family maxim to remain loyal to the attachment figure regardless of personal costs. So, on some level, I'm more concerned with T's needs than my own. Maybe it IS time for a change *sigh*

Oh yes I get the family secret thing and being loyal regardless - sounds like this could be a really interesting point of time in your journey?

[ECHOES]

If it helps any, my story about changing therapists:
I was seeing a psychologist once and my appointment day was Friday. She cancelled a few times, always at the last minute. I would reschedule.
I was already not happy about the frequent cancellations (and another issue) when she cancelled 4 consecutive Fridays. I stopped rescheduling. When the 4th cancelled Friday came along, the receptionist called that morning to cheerfully cancel again. Then later she called back because the psychologist was 'alarmed' that I didn't have any more appointments scheduled.
I said, "Yes, that's right."

I now see a therapist who is not a psychologist and I am so over the idea that a good therapist has to be a psychologist.

[mcl6136]

sounds like you're transcending, actually. I'm older than a lot of the people on this forum and I must say, with all due respect, when I look back on my choices, I'm struck by how often I actually "trade up." In other words, each car I get is better than the last, each job, each situation and many of my friends are getting wiser too. So, think of it this way...your new T will likely be better than the one you're leaving. Upwards...ever upwards. I applaud you for realizing the need for a change and going for it!

[Transcending1]

I did meet with the psychologist and was pleasantly suprised by his demeanor and relational style. I have to admit that I had reservations about meeting with him due to his age (70) and having no idea what he looked like. I know that sounds awful and shallow, but certain physical traits are very distracting to me. He actually resembles Robert Redford a bit.

It was quite a change from my previous therapist's office. I never had to encounter his other clients since there was a separate exit. I was sitting in the waiting room fretting about the fact that I was going to have to encounter a patient on my fisrt visit. I was somewhat taken aback when his client came out and began singing his praises to me and apologizing profusely for the session running over (she was late). I had another odd encounter upon leaving. The next client (a middle-aged man) wanted to chat with me as well. This was quite a novel experience, but something that I welcomed since it should help with any future issues over possessiveness.

The psychologist was attentive and insightful. I discussed my issues regarding my previous T and I realized that a lot of my issues with him are negative transference due to associating his behavior with my mother's. It's no suprise that my relating in sessions has become increasingly hostile. Frankly, I don't think that I can get past that issue with him since it has made disclosure and trust near impossible. I guess that would explain my intense erotic tranference to T within a few weeks of analysis. All those deprivations and unmet infantile needs surfaced with a vengeance. Of course, T discouraged processing the erotic so I never had any clarity on it until now.

I am going to have one (possibly 2) sessions with my previous T for the purpose of closure. In spite of all the misattunements, I have an attachment to him and need the closure to grieve the loss (not like I haven't been crying and fretting over this for days). Just trying to have faith that this is the right decision and that I'll eventually be at peace with it.