Sorry--more of the same

I like what Tree said ..... that it's okay. period

it isn't stupid, or childish, it just is what it is

thanks, rainbow_rose, tree, and tigergirl.

My T does not want me to judge my feelings, just to accept them. But, tree, like you said before, these are BIG feelings. I am playing around with them, trying them out. I've told my T in different ways how I feel about her, but it's always been kind of veiled, and hesitant. I'm not a very assertive person.

But this child part has been VERY assertive in therapy, especially when she decided how much she liked to hold T's hand. Then she started tentatively talking about love. Actually, the first time, a year ago when we did EMDR, I came up with "I want Mommy!" I even told T back then that I wanted to be a kangeroo in her "pouch".

Now it's not veiled though. I wrote her that I want, or rather, that child, wants her to be Mommy. How could I write that I want to lie next to her and play with her hair and look into her eyes? Maybe that's better than thinking it's sexual, isn't it? It's a child who wants that.

I'll try to tell myself it's okay. I remember when I saw my former T stroke her grandson's hair. I froze up and couldn't function for the rest of the day. I wanted her to do that to ME! For someone with loving parents, I sure crave love a lot! I feel guilty to want my T to be my Mommy. But then you're both right. It is what it is. But how to you get through life wanting this so badly? I can't let those feelings take over. I feel like saying "I want.... I want...." over and over. Then I should add: "And it's okay". Right?

I'm obsessing too. I need to go or bed or read a book or something else but it's like my hands are stuck to the keyboard!!! Like in therapy when I can't leave!! It's SO hard for me to break a connection with people, even with people I can't see. I know you're out there!

Yeah, i've been wondering about you saying, these are the child's feelings. Not ringing true to me for some reason? Do you have a daughter, sisters, close female friends - what is that situation? SIL, MIL? Or do you think maybe you need to grieve your mom some more? Why now? What advice would your mother give you about something going on in your life right now, or that you are seeing T for, or about your r/s with your husband? Just flying blind here.

((((((((Rainbow)))))))))

I wish I knew the answer to those questions also

Rainbow, this feeling won't last forever. It sounds like you have had it for a long time and you are just now letting it surface. This is good. Letting this feeling out is the only way to allow it to pass. I don't think that it really matters where it came from or why you have it at this time, it just is and now you have to deal with it by letting it be.

Sannah: Yes, I always want more love. I want to bottle it up and savor it. I've told my Ts that in bits and pieces but never as emphatically as NOW with this T. I need to keep telling her, and having her accept my feelings.

I myself have to accept my feelings, and that I'm not BAD for having them. I feel like I'm bad to love her and to be in love with her. It doesn't feel good. We started discussing how I feel bad at times when you'd think I'd feel good. I don't where the "badness" comes from. I don't think I'm allowed to love her but she told me I am. But feeling "in love" I'm not sure about.

I wish it were Tuesday already so I could talk to my T about it. Maybe the EMDR stirred up these feelings. The way she looked triggered me too. Her going away also did. I have to go distract myself for awhile now.

Good luck with this Rainbow! Do you think that it came from being shamed with your other therapists about this issue?