I went back to therapy last night even though I had been hurt by therapist last session. We had a good talk and I came to realize that everytime we start to get on a subject that seems "too much" I will find anything else to talk about...my marriage, even trying desperately to convince myself I hate my T. and I want to quit...

I have some serious trust issues and its so difficult to talk about my "family of origin,," I told T. maybe I will never be able to talk about it and how I have so few memories before age 11 that I don't know what there is to tell him of course what I do remember is bad enough. So I have two homework assignments...1. Journal about how it would feel or be if I never deal with this.. 2. List the biggest "boogey man" or skeleton that I could find in all of this mess....

I know each person is different....but what worked for you to get to a level of comfort and trust that you could talk about trauma issues with your T.?

[sittingatwatersedge]

T asked me to write a time line of my life.
started with large milestones (moon walk, graduation dates, stuff like that) and thought about where we lived
then I filled in the years we lived here & there
and birth /death dates in the family
it came together after a while
then I put in my own events - marks up for good things, marks down for bad things.
It was hugely illuminating.

Best of luck to you... you didn't ask for opinions but looking for yr biggest boogeyman first sounds very scary to me. personally I would have to start at the other end. take care

Thanks SWE... I did something similar to see if it would nudge any new memories...it helped pin point where everyone was when I first could remember ...like which siblings where in the house, which were in college, which had moved out, etc...not too many "new" memories.

T. said that he hoped if I could list "theoretically" about would be the worst things I could possibly remember or talk about then it would reduce my anxiety about talking about any of it... but talking about things in a theoreticaly fact way is easy... talking about my feelings about any of it is scary...

Just don't know how to be able to get to the place where I can talk about it...

[sittingatwatersedge]

RTS, it takes time, and if you rush it you will hurt yourself (speaking as someone who tried to do that, and learned the hard way).

Walking through that time line was useful for me because it spun out the movie reel of my life in a linear fashion - it showed me the accretion of pain and experiences that had brought me to where I was when I started therapy - amazing once it was all put together -

and because of the time line I remembered a hugely traumatic event that had been completely repressed. I was SO. SHOCKED. that it could have disappeared from my memory so completely. I assure you, just one day before I remembered it, if you had asked me whether such a thing had ever happened to me, I would have very confidently said no.
and then... wham.

it helped me; others have things to tell about which helped them. You & yr T will find your own way. Just go gently

Thanks SWE for sharing and caring... I have already been at this for eight months but it seems most of that has been spent building trust between me and T. ... Its difficult to move onto the hard stuff...

I had no idea when I started down this road that it would tak so long....But I understand you can't rush it...

It will be good to hear what worked for other people to be get to the place where they could talk about their traumas..

Originally Posted by Readytostop

T
It will be good to hear what worked for other people to be get to the place where they could talk about their traumas..

((((((((Readytostop)))))))

It took me a long time to really be able to trust my T. I've been with him for 4 years, and I would say I am finally in the place where I really, DEEPLY trust him.

For me, it was a gradual process. It was terrifying for me to open my mouth and talk about anything, really, for a long time. A few months into therapy I told him about a "small trauma" and he was so compassionate and nonjudgmental and helpful and it was a big first step into exploring what it might be like to talk about the big things.

We have had to work through stuff SLOWLY, and it took us until the past 4 or 5 months to finally get to the hardest stuff. I know it sounds like forever, but it had to be how it was. I needed to learn a lot of coping skills, I needed to really trust T and believe in him and in myself, I needed to tell the stories in little bits and pieces with a lot of breaks. We've had a lot of ruptures along the way, which were awful at the time, but which always, ALWAYS ended in more intimacy and trust. For me, it took a lot of small steps to get to the point I'm at now.

I have pretty huge trust issues, so I am positive another person could certainly work through all of this in less time than I have, but I have 3 children and it was just super important that I do it in a way that I could handle it. T has been really good at helping me pace myself, and I think that has been part of learning to trust him too.

I wish it was easy, but it's just NOT. What I hang onto is the fact that the hardest stuff is always, always the stuff that pushes me the most toward healing. And THAT is what I want from this journey, so I have to believe it's worth it in the end.

Lots of ((((((((hugs)))))))) to you as you do this hard work

Tonight's session was confusing. T. asked me to list the "boogey man" in the "big pile of mess'...I have limited memories prior to age 11 and I have some anxiety about doing trauma work on the stuff I remember after age 11...so I'm assuming that he meant what is the worst case scenario...So I tell him that the worst case scenario would be if I was SA by someone in my family but that for me the "boogey man" is the fear of as another PC poster put it being Humpty Dumpty that I will fall apart and not be able to put myself together... So we talked about coping skills, etc. But then he went on this big lecture that I shouldn't assume just because I don't remember childhood to not assume I was SA and that if that is what I fear than that is what I will find... or not find... He just kept going on and on...I wanted to scream SHUT UP so badly...but I didn't.

I wanted to say...yes its unlikely I was SA...I think statistics show that most people SA victims remember the abuse happened...no other siblings (there were six of us kids) remember anything... I wanted to say...why did you ask me for the worst case scenario and then yell at me when I say it....

I even said that I know it doesn't have to be a "horrible objectionable act" in order for it to be too "stressful" for a child causing them to dissociate....what can be handled as an adult is very different for a 5 year old... but he just kept going on and on...

I wanted to say I think watching my mom beat my sister and begging her to stop was the true problem but he never shut up....I don't know how i will lose the anxiety of talking about all this stuff if I'm going to get lectured at...what if he doesn't like something else I say.

I never said I thought I was SA I just said that would be the worst case scenario... Any insight? Was I interpretting wrong?

Sounds from what you wrote that sort of therapy you are in isn't really theraputic. It works best when the therapist remains quite and allows the client to go at their own pace. Forcing someone to talk about the "boogey man" only means they "pleasing" the therapist at that time and not reaching the unconsious material that takes a lot of time and patience and trust. Therapy begins by uncovering the less repressed material and sometimes many yrs later the deeper repressed stuff becomes consious.

Memories do not work by command.

[Sannah]

Can you tell the therapist how you felt about this session? I wish that you would have told him to stop in that session.

[ladyjrnlist]

For me, it just takes time. You just can't rush therapy. And feel free to tell him to stop talking. It's your dime. Sometimes they get longwinded when they sense your discomfort. They get uncomfortable too, I think, and start babbling.

I emailed the T. with how I felt about this past session. I told him that I felt like he was lecturing and that half the session could have happened without me even being there. He responded within a few minutes which was very helpful. The tone of the email was very formal but I know he doesn't like to discuss therapy in emails so I should have expected that. He said all the right things like happy I felt safe enough to say these things...that he wants me to direct the sessions... that I could have said these things in session... that hopefully we can work together to make me comfortable in session..

I feel anxious and naseaus. I'm still worried that I somehow ruined things between us. I know the next session will be so weird

But I can also see that this has more to do with my inability to confront people, say things I don't think they will be happy with , etc. than it has to do with T. I should have been able to say ...Hey wait a minute, I don't think you heard what I was saying... Or I agree with you on that but I wanted to talk about this today... I think I fear abandonment too much to do that or its an issue with authority.

How did you all survive week like this? Does it always get resolved when we confront T.?

[WePow]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

I know each person is different....but what worked for you to get to a level of comfort and trust that you could talk about trauma issues with your T.?

Trauma work ... stinks. It is unfair. It is wrong that someone harmed another life to the point where they need trauma healing. And it is very difficult to open up and trust others. Even my T has to work with his own trust issues. It is a part of being a survivor.

For me, the biggest thing has been my T has always been consistent.
He is not always right - lol. But he is always true to me. He always tries his best. And he apologizes if he makes a mistake.

In turn, I keep being honest with him about everything. Because he is a trauma expert, I know he knows what to do with me when things get whacky like they have been since my parents had their wreck. He knows what to say, and when to say it. He knows when to give me the space I need so I can heal and figure things out for myself. And he knows when I need him to be right next to my side (like yesterday).
Trust is the most difficult part of healing. IMO, honesty is the biggest part of the equation.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

He said all the right things like happy I felt safe enough to say these things...that he wants me to direct the sessions... that I could have said these things in session... that hopefully we can work together to make me comfortable in session..

I feel anxious and naseaus. I'm still worried that I somehow ruined things between us. I know the next session will be so weird

But I can also see that this has more to do with my inability to confront people, say things I don't think they will be happy with , etc. than it has to do with T. I should have been able to say ...Hey wait a minute, I don't think you heard what I was saying... Or I agree with you on that but I wanted to talk about this today... I think I fear abandonment too much to do that or its an issue with authority.

How did you all survive week like this? Does it always get resolved when we confront T.?

Very good! You can resolve this! Your insight into it is very good. Face your fears and talk about this with your T and you will move forward in a big way on this issue.