[sunrise]

I am coming up on my 5 yr anniversary with T. Hard to believe. At our last session we did some really important and deep work. Core stuff. How can new and important things still be coming up after 5 whole years? After the session I felt so strongly about the value of long term therapy. I would never ever have gotten to this really important stuff if I had been limited to 10-20 sessions.

A couple of months ago, right before some stressful and sad events in my life, I had made a breakthrough in therapy, and finally revealed something super important that I had been struggling to tell T for a few years. After that, therapy went in another direction—stress, grief, loss, death, etc. This week at last we got back to the earlier track. It involved events from when I was a teen/young adult. We worked with that younger self. She was forced into some big decisions and actions at an early age. I wish someone so young hadn’t had to be in such situations. It hurt to recall this. T wanted me to comfort this younger self—say something to her, give her a hug. He suggested this several times but I wouldn’t. I was reluctant. We’ve done this kind of work before—having my adult self give comfort and reassurance to a younger ego state—but I would not do it this time. It wasn’t that I didn’t know how, but that something held me back. I didn’t want to reach out to this younger self, to comfort her, clasp her to my being. I finally reported to T that I am not doing it, I am resisting what you are asking me to do. It was a strange feeling. T said let’s explore that--why couldn’t I comfort her? It was hard to realize, but I finally told him that it was because she didn’t deserve it. That was an eye opener for me. (And pay dirt for T.) In that moment, I discovered an unknown big rift between me and a younger self, something I’d been maintaining for decades. An estrangement. And she, poor thing, was judged and rejected by me for things she did when she was so very young. I have not treated her well at all. I was able to recognize the magnitude of some of her decisions and stand a little in awe of what someone so young had encountered and passed through. T said it sounded like I wanted to give her some credit, and I agreed, yes. So together, we gave her some credit. I could do that, even though I couldn’t reach out and pull her to me. I guess that means I don’t think she is all bad, which helps me feel better about being so judgmental about her. That’s something to build on. We have a lot more work to do here. My T is a family systems therapist, so this is right up his alley (he can work with a person’s inner family too).

[geez]

((((Sunrise)))) That is so great you found this part of yourself and have come to an understanding. I too felt this way about my 'inner child' and I think your T is pretty awesome for helping you figure that out. I have learned to embrace my 'inner child' and love her. Because of that I am moving forward as a 'new complete person'. I'm not leaving her behind but giving her a chance to live like she was meant to. I wish you all the best and much happiness in your discovery and journey. It's so nice to hear that I'm not the only one who has faced this type of feeling.

Originally Posted by sunrise

T wanted me to comfort this younger self—say something to her, give her a hug. He suggested this several times but I wouldn’t. I was reluctant. We’ve done this kind of work before—having my adult self give comfort and reassurance to a younger ego state—but I would not do it this time. It wasn’t that I didn’t know how, but that something held me back.

I'm so glad you are still making new discoveries...It's nice to hear about people who are further along in therapy. My T. suggested that I will need to provide "Little me" with some of the emotional support she didn't receive. I didn't understand what he meant but we moved on to something else. How do you comfort your younger self? Or give her a hub? I have to admit is sounds a little strange to me? Not that you would need to ...but how you do that?

[BonnieJean]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

How do you comfort your younger self? Or give her a hug? ...but how you do that?

I want to know that too.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by geez

It's so nice to hear that I'm not the only one who has faced this type of feeling.

Thank you for understanding, geez. It is a very powerful type of therapy, and I'm glad you have experienced so much healing from it. I think my T is pretty awesome too.

Originally Posted by geez

I have learned to embrace my 'inner child' and love her.

I hope to move toward that with this young adult me. I think we made a good start. She's not a child but still needs my love and acceptance. I have done ego state therapy with some child-aged selves a few years ago and was able to embrace and rescue them. There was no "block" to my doing so like there seems to be with this older ego state. This young adult self seems, in some ways, like the "last frontier" in therapy to me. I feel strongly now that I want to work with her. For the last few years, I think I have been avoiding this as too painful. But I am here now, we are working on it, and it is going OK!

[sunrise]

I'll try to answer your question, ReadytoStop and BonnieJean.

Originally Posted by ReadytoStop

How do you comfort your younger self? Or give her a hub? I have to admit is sounds a little strange to me? Not that you would need to ...but how you do that?

I agree, it is strange. But can be very powerful.

Here is how it worked in one instance for me a few years ago. T said to picture the ego state we were going to work with (a younger version of me, about 5 yrs old) and I did. He then asked questions about what was going on. Where is she? She is lying in bed. What is she doing? She is crying. Why is she crying? Etc. Then he asked me to draw a circle around her and the bed. So me, the adult self, came into the picture and drew the circle on the ground. I used chalk. Then T asked me to step into the circle with the girl. Then he said to pick her up and I did. She clung to me so tightly--whoosh! T said to take her outside of the circle, but I had already done that. What's happening, what's happening? he asked. (Sometimes the T can get kind of left out because he can't see or hear what's happening. You have to report back to him.) He asked is she saying anything. I reported that when I first picked her up, she said to me, "where have you been?" If you are wondering about the circle, T said it was to contain the bad stuff. When I picked her up I took her outside of the circle, and the bad stuff remained trapped behind. We didn't use a circle every time, but did in that situation.

So, comforting and rescuing a younger self is basically a visualization that takes place in your mind--at least this is how my T and I have done it. Your ego states (e.g. perhaps an inner child) are free to act and say what they want. I have heard that some people like the T to be fairly directive and set the scene more and tell what is happening (like guided imagery), but I prefer fewer details from the T. I just like to let the scene play out and tell him what is happening. He may provide some guidance if I don't know what to do or if it is not going well. Or we may drop it if I can't proceed, as happened last session when I found I could not hug my young adult self. So we backed out and did more talk therapy to get at why and to let me feel some of the painful feelings. Sometimes when we have done this kind of therapy, my T has asked me to withhold my commentary, as he wants to speak more or less directly with the ego state, and I am just the go-between (but we didn't do it that way the first few times).

[rainbow8]

sunrise, I think it's wonderful that you and your T are working on important things after 5 years. I'm glad that you are able to do that. You know that I understand about the parts since my T does Internal Family Systems therapy. I like the way your T did it with the circle.

I think work with our younger selves is fascinating and powerful. It's amazing how we can actually "see" the part. ReadytoStop and BonnieJean, I didn't think it was possible before I started doing IFS with my current T. She asks questions similar to sunrise's T. In addition, she asks me if that part knows I'm there. She asks how old she is, and what does she need from me. I've not always been able to comfort that part but I can usually visualize her. It does seem weird, but it works! Since I always want my T to be there too, she has me visualize herself AND me comforting the child part.

sunrise, I hope that you can work up to being able to hug your young adult self. I've read about the T talking directly to the part but my T hasn't done that. I think it would be productive. My T tells me to ask the part what she wants to know, but the part doesn't always have an answer.

I'm glad you're doing this work in your T. With your capable T, I'm sure it will be very helpful for you.

[beautiful.mess]

Wow, that's awesome. I went into therapy a few months ago thinking I'd have it all figured out after oh, I don't know....maybe 6 months?

LOLOLOLOLOLOL.

Well, in 3 months it will BE 6 months and I'm NOWHERE near ready to being close to the vicinity of "done". Not by a long shot. Man, I'm really dumb. LOL. I am seeing now that it takes a LONG time sometimes to really get to a point to where you can open up completely and fully in order to heal. I really hope I can, one day, get to a place like where you're at, even if it takes several years.

[geez]

Sunrise this is a great thread! My journey began just by acknowledging that part of me. The part I hated to even look at. I made a painting of what that part of me looked like and how it fit with the rest of me.

I was angry at that part of me and after I worked through the anger I got to a level of acceptance and love for that part of me. Know when I think of her I am hugging her instead of locking her away in a dark closet. I now take her with me to be a part of my whole self and give her the life and love she deserves when she didn't get that in real time growing up.

There are days when I feel insecure or needy and want someone else to take care of her/me as that part can sometimes take over but for the most part I feel in charge and happy. It took me a while to get to that point in therapy but it was so worth the wait!

Note: My emotions are still a work in process :-)

So happy for you Sunrise!

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I think work with our younger selves is fascinating and powerful. It's amazing how we can actually "see" the part.

It is amazing. Just coincidentally, I was reading a book (author=E-A Vanek) last night for a completely different reason (school-related,) and I read something that reminded me of ego state therapy:"Jungian analysts regard the active imagination as the most powerful tool for exploring the unconscious. Robert Johnson (in Inner Work) describes the power that is released when we consciously take part in the drama of our imaginations: 'the ego actually goes into the inner world, walks, talks, confronts and argues, makes friends and fights with the persons it finds there.... Although it is a symbolic experience, it is still a real experience involving real feelings.'" That reminded me so much of therapy with ego states or parts!

Originally Posted by rainbow8

In addition, she asks me if that part knows I'm there.

For me, I am an active participant, so they know I am there. I'm not behind a curtain or anything--I'm not in an omniscient observer role. Do you find your parts often don't know you are there?

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Since I always want my T to be there too, she has me visualize herself AND me comforting the child part.

At my session, T told me what he would have said to this ego state if he had been with her way back when, and I scarcely listened to him! Yada yada. I didn't want to know what he would have said. It didn't seem relevant. What was important was how I felt and how I dealt with those feelings and with my relationship with her. I wasn't interested in the "what if" my T was telling about what he would have said. It was curious.

One thing my T asked me was how I would react to my daughters if they were in a situation similar to what I was in as a young adult. Would I react the same way toward them? "Of course not!" I answered immediately. So I'm being a lot harder on my younger self than I ever would be to my daughters. This may be an angle that will help me with this. I have a lot of experience being a mother to them.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

sunrise, I hope that you can work up to being able to hug your young adult self.

Thank you, rainbow. When T asked me to hug her, and I experienced "not wanting to", I actually thought of you, rainbow, right there in my session! I thought of how your T helps you hold your infant and how you have said you don't always want to do that, or don't want (or feel able to) do it on your own so your T comes with you. I know my situation is different, but for a moment, I felt, hmmm I am feeling like I don't want to hug my younger self, maybe this is a little like what rainbow feels.

Originally Posted by sunrise

One thing my T asked me was how I would react to my daughters if they were in a situation similar to what I was in as a young adult. Would I react the same way toward them? "Of course not!" I answered immediately. So I'm being a lot harder on my younger self than I ever would be to my daughters. This may be an angle that will help me with this. I have a lot of experience being a mother to them.

Once, when T and I were working on processing some things that happened to my youngest part, I had a dream about one of my sons. In the dream, he was telling me something someone had done to him, and he was using the same words that my 3/4/5 year old self used in her mind at the time it was happening. Not the "correct" terms, but words she made up.

When I woke up, I suddenly saw that little self in the exact same way that I would have seen my sons. I knew that she didn't understand what was happening, didn't know how to make it stop, didn't have the words to use to tell anyone. Suddenly, instead of feeling angry at her and disgusted by her and embarrassed by her, I felt empathy for her, and caring. Those new feelings towards that part haven't changed...I DO still feel the warm and understanding feelings towards her.

I think that it can be very powerful to imagine our children in the same situations we were in, and to imagine our reaction, to imagine if we would "blame" them or find something wrong with them...and then to apply the way we would feel towards our children to our younger selves. Because, truly, we deserve the same love and concern that we would give to them.

I'm glad you brought this up, Sunny. I am having a VERY hard time with my 7/8/9 year old self right now. I can't accept her, love her, even LIKE her. You reminded me of what happened with my littlest self, and that gives me a little bit of direction.

Thank you for sharing about your therapy

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by beautiful.mess

I went into therapy a few months ago thinking I'd have it all figured out after oh, I don't know....maybe 6 months?

LOLOLOLOLOLOL.

Well, in 3 months it will BE 6 months and I'm NOWHERE near ready to being close to the vicinity of "done". Not by a long shot. Man, I'm really dumb. LOL. I am seeing now that it takes a LONG time sometimes to really get to a point to where you can open up completely and fully in order to heal. I really hope I can, one day, get to a place like where you're at, even if it takes several years.

I hope you can too, beautiful.mess. I still don't open up all the time, but I'm very comfortable with my therapist, and that helps a lot. Heck, it took me 5 years to get to this point, so I am pretty slow. I think therapists have to be really patient to do their job. They have to just be willing to learn a little at a time, in snippets, over many months or years. The person who likes to skip to the end of the book they're reading to see how it all turns out would not make a good T.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by geez

My journey began just by acknowledging that part of me. The part I hated to even look at. I made a painting of what that part of me looked like and how it fit with the rest of me.

I was angry at that part of me and after I worked through the anger I got to a level of acceptance and love for that part of me. Know when I think of her I am hugging her instead of locking her away in a dark closet. I now take her with me to be a part of my whole self and give her the life and love she deserves when she didn't get that in real time growing up.

Thanks for sharing about your journey. I like what you said about painting that self. For me, I feel some sympathy for this part of me. I did want to give her credit, and T and I did. I see her from afar and in some sense, am proud of her. But yet I didn't feel she deserved my hug. So there is a lot going on. I think when one feels ambivalent, one is near movement. When it is all black and white, it is harder to get out of that. I feel ambivalence.... It has promise.

Originally Posted by geez

Note: My emotions are still a work in process :-)

Can definitely relate to that!

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I think that it can be very powerful to imagine our children in the same situations we were in, and to imagine our reaction, to imagine if we would "blame" them or find something wrong with them...and then to apply the way we would feel towards our children to our younger selves. Because, truly, we deserve the same love and concern that we would give to them.

I'm glad you brought this up, Sunny. I am having a VERY hard time with my 7/8/9 year old self right now. I can't accept her, love her, even LIKE her. You reminded me of what happened with my littlest self, and that gives me a little bit of direction.

Treehouse, I'm glad you are finding some direction with that little girl. Thanks for responding to this part of what I wrote, as yes, I think it is a powerful approach! Maybe it is one I can lean on if I find myself faltering. It can take a little of this and a little of that to help us move forward, or at least move. Kind of like making a soup from scratch. What will help today, what won't help, what can we try? I think I am finding some empathy for that younger self of mine but there are still other feelings too that aren't quite so forgiving.

I am coming up for another T appt next week, and I am eager to work on this more. Hopefully, I will be able to. I can often get sidetracked, even when it is work I want to do. I think I don't like T to see that I am eager to work on something. I don't know why.