[PTSDlovemycats]

How does one become less dependent on someone? ie. T.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Has anyone here overcome this at all?

[kaliope]

you can start by recognizing the things that you are able to do on your own, look at your strenghts, see where you are independent. praise yourself for those things. then begin to make small decisions on your own. if you think of something that you want to email, call T about, say to yourself, "wait a minute, can I make this decision on my own?" and if it is something simple, make a decision and enjoy the positive outcome knowing you did that all on your own. the more positive outcomes the bigger decisions you will be able to make on your own. soon you will be much more independent.

[Omers]

That is a hard one. I have worked with two T's that I got very dependent on and it never changed for the duration of our work together. Leaving each of them caused significant pain... sending me to another T to get over the previous T. I have also worked with two T's where because of their style dependency never developed. Current T is one where the dependent stuff isn't happening. This has been a huge relief because with both the T's I was dependent on I left feeling like it was my fault and I had done something wrong.
Personally I work better with T's that do not encourage/allow dependency. The grief is just too hard on me otherwise.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Originally Posted by Omers

Personally I work better with T's that do not encourage/allow dependency. The grief is just too hard on me otherwise.

How do some T's encourage/allow dependency? What does that look like?

[dizgirl2011]

I can very much relate to what Omers has said.

I have tried very hard to not become dependant on my current T and whilst I am not as needy as I used to be, the thought of loosing her is terrifying as I have been through it before and I know it causes me extreme pain and I pretty much live for my sessions.

It is very hard to lessen dependancy, I had to do it after being hurt by a relationship with a support worker who was removed without warning because I was seen as too dependant. The pain of that made me realise that I couldn't rely on others to help me as much.

It has been a massive battle at times of pain to not pick up the phone or to try and make contact between sessions to whoever is supporting me professionally at the time. I am much better at it now, even though it is still very hard and something I struggle with still. I think it can mean sitting with a lot of painful feelings on your own or maybe with family/friends if you can. I often find that it helps me to realise that i'll probably not feel the same way by the next day and give myself permission to make contact if I still feel the need to. Usually by then I feel I can cope and I keep going.

Appart from that I am not sure how to lessen the general feeling of dependancy though, I wish I did.

[rainbow8]

Many of the behaviors of your T as posted by you previously are the kinds of things that foster dependency. If your T let you take care of her pets, that's crossing boundaries and would cause you to become more dependent on her. So would going places together outside of therapy. So would all of the texts you exchange with her. If your T did those things then she wasn't helping you to become independent. Her boundaries were/are too loose.

It doesn't always work the other way, though. My former T was very strict and didn't hug me or touch me, and our sessions never, ever went over except maybe by 1 minute a few times. I became very dependent on her anyway.

Cutting down on contact between sessions would be a way to lessen dependency, I suppose. It doesn't work for me, though. I don't know. Sometimes nothing works but time, or quitting therapy, and that doessn't always work. Being busy in RL helps a lot. I know it's a pessimistic view, but I think if dependency happens, it's hard to break away from it. But you can do it with persistence and determination, as others will tell you.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Thanks Diz and Rain, I'm just not sure what exactly it is that I can do to become less dependent. Whose fault is it? Is it mine for becoming too dependent? Or is it her fault for doing things like Rainbow mentioned that would foster dependency? I just feel really lost right now and out of sorts.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by PTSDlovemycats

How do some T's encourage/allow dependency? What does that look like?

My one t (the one I saw for a year recently) would do email where I would write if I needed to just get something away from me (usually extreme frustration or anger at therapy) and sometimes she would write back or sometimes I would tell her not to. The purpose for me was to get it away from me, not so much to get a response from her. A couple of times I asked for specific reassurance that therapy was proceeding as it should and she did usually manage to do that okay. She also said I could ask for extra appointments if I wanted. I did that once when I was in an extremely agitated state and needed to be much less so for a specific purpose later that day. That was the one time I remember I left feeling actually better than when I went in.
The second one (for nine months recently) gave out her telephone number and said to call if I had a certain couple of things occur. I tried it twice. I never felt like it was all that useful because by then the situation was over and I had moved on and it felt silly to talk about it like a crisis.

Both of mine were always fairly encouraging to me - I think mostly because they thought I need to depend on others rather than I am too dependent. Always withdrawing rather than going towards them.

I think to become less dependent you could try to distract yourself with activities with friends or sports or something like that to get you out of house and out doing something where contacting the t would not be as easy. I think they sort of expect dependency from clients. May I ask why you want less dependency at this point? Has t said something or are you feeling odd about it?

[PTSDlovemycats]

It's based on my T telling me a few times recently that I am too dependent on her and that I need to feel safe and secure on my own...

[Omers]

Have to think about the specifics nd get back to you on that one... brain fried!

[PTSDlovemycats]

Thanks Omers.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by PTSDlovemycats

It's based on my T telling me a few times recently that I am too dependent on her and that I need to feel safe and secure on my own...

That sounds hard. Does writing stuff down work for you at all? Or could you start getting some of the safe and secure feeling from posting on here with what you would like from t or the general gist of what you would want to be telling her and instead of t - getting encouragement on how well you were doing from the people on here?
Just some things I thought - they may be not what you need.

[PTSDlovemycats]

That's not a bad idea, but I don't know if PC could handle that much of me!

[PTSDlovemycats]

I wish that my T had told me or given me examples of how I am too dependent on her...

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by PTSDlovemycats

I wish that my T had told me or given me examples of how I am too dependent on her...

That seems like a perfectly reasonable thing to ask her for? Can you?

[PTSDlovemycats]

Ugh..I don't know. I think I am too embarassed to ask her...

Seeing "needing" someone for support as dependency is more about early childhood feelings. Perhaps were made to feel that needing your needs met wasnt ok, so you felt awful for "needing". I'd continue to talk about how you see it as dependency.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Omers

Personally I work better with T's that do not encourage/allow dependency. The grief is just too hard on me otherwise.

For me, I know the grief would be huge if I left my T. I am very close to my T with a super strong bond and connection, but I am not dependent on him. So for better or worse, I'm gonna be tremendously sad when the day comes. PTSDcats, perhaps you can indentify the dependent behaviors and work to overcome those. I liked kaliope's suggestions, such as not contacting T between sessions for help with small decisions, etc.

[Sannah]

How about telling your T that you want to work on becoming less dependent on her?

[PTSDlovemycats]

Originally Posted by Sannah

How about telling your T that you want to work on becoming less dependent on her?

She's already told me that I need to work on becoming less dependent on her...

[PTSDlovemycats]

So before whenever she was on holidays she would call me or text me. We did that for many years. She sent me a text last night saying that she would not be calling or texting me while she is on holidays now. She didn't even go anywhere so it's not like she'd be paying long distance. It kind of pisses me off because she never told me this before her holidays started. It just seems to random...-sigh-

[PTSDlovemycats]

Is it ok to be upset by this? Or am I overreacting??

[stopdog]

I think it is natural to be upset when they unilaterally change the rules.

[cmac13]

Originally Posted by PTSDlovemycats

So before whenever she was on holidays she would call me or text me. We did that for many years. She sent me a text last night saying that she would not be calling or texting me while she is on holidays now. She didn't even go anywhere so it's not like she'd be paying long distance. It kind of pisses me off because she never told me this before her holidays started. It just seems to random...-sigh-

To change the rules through a text message seems unprofessional and frankly quite unkind, uncaring for your feelings. I don't know how I would react but I think it would hurt my feelings a great deal...The issues of dependency have always been difficult for me. I spent the majority of my life being independent not relying on anyone but myself for getting my needs met until I met my therapist. It has been pointed out by my therapist that being dependent on others is part of human nature and it's OK to need other people get our needs met. For me it has taken me a long time to trust her but I trust her now and I feel cared for by her. She is very nurturing and sometimes I cannot get enough of her. She is the kind of therapist who goes the "extra mile" for clients. It is not unusual for me to talk with her on her day off if I am struggling. I feel guilty "bothering" her but she always assures me I am not ever bothering her. She has been a therapist for 46 years and she has been mine for 20 years. So yeah maybe I am dependent but the relationship with her has made my life so much better in so many ways and it has had a positive effect on my relationship with my husband and sons.