how long for a t to really know you?

Do you ever feel like your t totally gets you, and then says something so out in left field that you realize he doesn't? my t is good, I have even met with a few others over the last few months just to make sure I had the right T, because we have had some problems. What I discovered is, he is the best for me out of the 3 I met with. I just find that every so often he says something so not me that I feel a little hurt. I know they can't be perfect, but shouldn't a t know you/your values after seeing a client somewhat regularly for the past 7 or so months?

I actually only recently started thinking my T understood me... I seriously thought she didn't, but sometimes she says things that really does impress me.

It's a growing relationship though, so it'll be like other relationships in that it's not perfect.

No not really, we're always changing and growing, and sometimes getting it "wrong" is part of getting it "right". A lot of people in therapy are little fragile where "mistakes" on who we are or what we stand for are made, perhaps because we've had so much of it in the past so cannot tolerate anything less then "spot on"?

Heck, I've been married to my husband for nearly 25 years and he still doesn't always "know" me. In fact, my parents have been married for 59 years and I know they don't always "know" each other. People aren't always going to get things right. They'll miss the boat, and that includes our T's. When that happens, I just threaten to throw something at him, correct him, and we move on. Actually, he really appreciates it when I call him on something he is "missing" about me.

Yeah my T knows how I am and knows me. Kinda scary at times at well he knows me lol. I am have been with him for about 4 yrs so its been a heck of a ride.

It is your reaction to the bits that they get wrong that is the most important thing. I don't think that therapy is about getting a T to know you well, it is using a T to get to know yourself deeply that is important. Once you know yourself the world opens up to you...

lol I am good at the theory but not much further forward myself in achieving this - so good luck I know it is so hard and when T does get it wrong how painful that can be, but IMO stick with it if you like your T and roll with the bits that are more uncomfortable and use them to learn from. Soup

no. your therapist should have a great idea of who you are, but its not realistic for him to know you, your values, your likes, your dislikes, what you think or will think, how you feel or will feel, etc. all the time.

he's not a mind reader and you and he don't think exactly alike. so he may take what he knows of you and think, "hmmm...maybe chloe would think/feel this way." and sometimes he's going to be wrong. it doesnt mean he doesnt know you or care about you or understand you....it just means he isnt you.

Those moments are opportunities for you to share with him how you really are, so that he gets to know you even better and the relationship deepens even more.

Thanks everyone.

I should have been more specific. The specific issue that I came to my T about, he keeps taking different angles on it. I have told him bluntly where I stand with it, what my problem is, and truthfully he didn't really have to do any work to find it out. But lately he keeps talking about it as though I have never explained any of it to him! Asking questions that he already would know if he listened to me. And I have, many times explained it to him. So I feel like he should know me around this issue? Do you still disagree? I just feel that after a certain time that these sorts of things, forgetting major details, should not be happening.

It would be like going to your T for a phobia of heights and having him ask you with all seriousness, "would you ever bungy jumped?" "have you ever skydived?" or "you should go check out that, insert something height phobia related"

Hey,

I don't think there is a clear answer to your intial question because some clients come into therapy and open up straight away and tell the therapist everything about themselves, some open up a little at a time and others perhaps take one step forward and two steps back, so it can take a therapist varying times to get to 'know' clients.
They try their best to understand their clients but they are human and can make mistakes or misjudgements, just like you or I.

Often clients can struggle to even know themselves fully so its impossible to expect a therapist to know us completely.

To help your therapist and yourself you can tell them when they say something that is wrong or upsets you and in that way you help them know you better

all the best

Thanks.

Ok, just so I understand, those times when he is forgetting or not acknowledging, whatever it is he is doing when he acts like he doesn't completely understand my therapy issue, I shouldn't consider a problem? Its just so strange for me when we have those sessions when I feel like we are on the same page, and then suddenly, the next time I see him, he is talking to me like he has forgotten everything I said.

maybe it's not that he doesnt know you, but maybe he is trying to challenge your "rigidity" on that particular topic?

in that moment when you feel he's forgotten or doesnt get your stance, what do you say? i think it would be worth it to say something like, "you know we've been over this a bunch of times and i feel like i've made my stance on this pretty clear. is there a reason that you keep questioning me on this? are you trying to change my mind? have you forgotten why i feel the way i do?"

i think the only way you will understand what the deal is, is to ask.

I think you should discuss this with him very directly. It can indeed be helpful to get our opinions on this, but you will get even more useful information telling your T this straight out. Perhaps something like this: "T, we've talked about my fear of heights many times. When you suggest I go bungy jumping, it makes me feel like you were not even listening when I told you about my fear of heights. Do you remember us talking about that before? I feel hurt you don't seem to remember such an important thing..."

Then he can clarify if he has indeed forgotten or perhaps he has some other angle for seeming to have forgotten, such as wanting to introduce you to some new ideas you might not consider on your own. If it is the latter, then he could learn he needs to make those suggestions in a different way so as to acknowledge he has been listening to you all along. E.g. "I know you've told me about your fear of heights before, but would there be any way you would consider bungy jumping? I think it would be a really good experience for you because...." That seems much more validating to me.

How about considering it as an opportunity to increase both his and your understanding? Ask him, "by saying that, does that mean you've forgotten how I feel about this?" Then he has an opportunity either to clarify or say "whoops, I forgot we discussed this just last session."

I don't think you should sweep it under the rug and not comment to your T about how this makes you feel.

Hey,

I think anything the client considers an issue, is an issue that is significant because you are the most important person in the room and the fact you are feeling upset or uneasy about these things means they need to be addressed. So as others have said, have a chat with him about it

I was going thru something like this with my T. I would say, well I cleaned the kitchen this weekend. And he would answer, Doesn't that feel good? And I would practically jump out of my seat screaming, NO! it doesn't! It makes me afraid! it doesn't feel good! how many times do I have to tell you that? WELL after 4 years of that, it IS starting to feel good, but it took a long time to get here. And I think his hair turned whiter in the meantime from my yelling.

Have you talked to your T about this? Seven months is a while, but, I don't think its quite long enough to really really know you all the way. My husband and I have been married 15 years and he is STILL clueless My therapist, however... been seeing her less than 2 years and she knows me inside and out so well it is borderline FREAKISH. So I guess it just depends on the person.

I saw him yesterday and had a similar experience with "forgetting", I reminded him that I had already told him about this (I have done this in the past as well, he gets himself out of it by avoiding it). His response was, oh yes, I recall that, your confusing sometimes so I like to clarify. ummm is that what you call it? Clarifying? Should I be concerned about this? He remembers the most trivial things, but the more important things he seems to have trouble retaining. Common things for me to say in my therapy are "Im sure you won't remember this, but, or do you remember, or I already told you this but". Yet he remembers that I told him once that I loved steak and details about my brother I told him once. Go figure. I like the guy, I don't like wasting money. Am I expecting too much? Because there are those times when he is right on! Im finding it confusing.
Thanks for any advice.

wow that sounds familiar!
I have found that now and then, when begin to tell T something, and remember that I've told her before, I'll stop and say, Oh, I have already told you this - and she really does want me to tell her again. I think that the telling is not told the same, from the first time to the second, and she wants to hear the second viewpoint too.