Trying to get perspective on my ex-T

Maybe y'all can help me here. I am trying to get some perspective on my old therapist. I'll call her RachelAnn.
I used to just adore her. Thought she could do no wrong. I saw her for several years. I think she did DBT, although she never called it as such.
Just for the record, I have DID (mult.personalities) and at the time also had severe anorexia. After several years of working together and I thought it was going well, she dumped me out of nowhere (no warning) one night-which caused a lot of further trauma.

Anyway-- I used to think she hung the moon (my 1st mistake)

But are these things she should have done? Or could have done differently? Was I wrong for continuing to think so highly of her when she was acting like this?

--she always let me/us call her once or twice a week if needed. Then one night we called and she decided we weren't allowed to anymore. This came out of nowhere. It was fairly traumatic to have that thrown at us over the phone like that, especially when we were calling in a crisis as it is

--one night having a flashback (of SA) in a session, she decided to ignore it and went over to her desk to do work on her computer. One of the little ones was crying "Help me!! Help me!!" and she said "I'm not talking to you until you calm down."

-- one night one teenage alter was suicidal. T called my husband. They both talked and it was agreed they better keep an eye on me/us. T knew that husband was going to be gone a few days. Being suicidal, we were then left alone for a 3 day weekend. T never called to check on us. Husband was out of town. Didn't see or talked to T until a session 7 days later. Logical to leave a suicial person alone and not check on them?

--Was losing weight one fall because of a VERY intense, VERY stressful teaching job. Was eating well and not purging. She INSISTED I was lying and MUST be starving/throwing up because of the weight loss, and refused to believe the truth, that the weight loss was just because of stress

--was always threatening me with, "If you don't ______ (name anything she wanted me to do--attend a meeting, do some weird homework, eat more, etc) "I won't see you anymore." Since she knew the relationship meant a lot to me, she knew it was an easy way to get me to do anything she wanted me to do.

And yet I still have a hard time thinking she ever did anything wrong. I dont know. My new T (who is wonderful) says that my old T was unethical in a lot of ways and ought to be reported, at the very least for the way she ended treatment with me (no warning,and how it caused further traumatization). I still have a hard time thinking anything negative about her.

Am I just still deluded because I miss her?

I agree with you current T. From my perspective it looks like she did do some things that were unethicsl. I am glad that you have a new T.

Hi SarahMichelle,

I'm so very sorry that someone violated the trust and respect that you put with them in such ways. I'm so very glad that you are with some ethical and caring and feels protective of you now.

I don't think I would say that you were "deluded because you miss her", my gut is that you we all hate to think that someone we trust, admire and respect, that also is a professional and someone with authority...would be that cruel and untrustworthy and irresponsible. It's disheartning and the ramifications of that broken trust could grow if it weren't for the fact that you now have a trustworthy and wonderful T to restore your faith in T's and the process.

I hope you are cherishing all within your system that have been affected by this very untrustworthy T. I hope you'll leave your journal open for them to get their own feelings of abandonment and abuse of their trust out as well.

I'm so very sorry that you were hurt by her...you certainly did nothing to deserve it, and so glad you have found a true healer now...

Safe huggles to each and all..

Wysteria Blue

Have you ever asked RachelAnn why she did those things, and talked about feeling hurt by them? I don't know if you have any way to communicate with her now, or if it would be a good idea to make contact since you have a new T, but those are things worth addressing when they happen. If your new T ever does something that you feel hurt by, you should talk to her about it and not hold it in. The best person to consult to get perspective on that person is usually that person. She might have felt it was the best thing for you at the time, given circumstances that we aren't aware of.

If she was doing actual DBT, then part of that is being available for phone consultation, but phone sessions in between regular sessions are supposed to be very brief and to the point, not warm and friendly. DBT therapists need to have a consultation team to work with, because it is a very demanding type of therapy. The DBT philosophy emphasizes the client being responsible for herself, asking for help when needed, using resources that are available, etc. and not reinforcing harmful or destructive or less competent behavior - so, regarding the time she didn't check on you when you were suicidal, the fact that you did get through it without being checked on supports that she did the right thing that time - you were responsible for yourself. Good for you, btw. The same might apply to having a flashback in the office. If you weren't responding to cues to use your coping skills, T has no other option than to stop reinforcing the behavior. It might be that she was following protocol on some of those things - and, yes, it can feel very painful. I don't know the circumstances of her terminating with you. It is not ethical to abandon a client, but you did find another T and are still getting treatment, so you had the resources available to keep getting help, right?

As I said, I don't know all of the circumstances, but wanted to provide another perspective. Most therapists do their best to do what is ethical and in the client's best interest. That isn't always what the client wants them to do. I can't say if she did anything wrong, or not, and I'm also not judging how you feel about her or what she did. How you feel is how you feel, and for good reasons. Since it is all in the past now (unless the therapist is unethical and likely to be harming other patients), the best that you can do now is to accept how you feel and decide what is most effective for you now. Will you feel better if you find out that T wronged you? How does that help you? (This is a legitimate question - perhaps understanding why you felt hurt can help you not to be hurt in the same way again, for instance). How do you want to remember her? What do you need to do for yourself now so that you can move on with your life and keep getting better?

Hard to believe yourself instead of believing the one who is supposed to be professional?

Thanks for your responses.
I dont know if she was actually doing DBT...she was just sort of doing a mix of all sorts of things.... i guess it was whatever she thought would work from week to week... it was hard to trust her (I never really DID trust her, actually, because of all the threats, because she was always changing things, changing policies, changing what she said, and then the threats of "If you dont _____ then I won't see you anymore-- it felt very manipulative.

And I was a good client. I did everything she said to. I tried so hard.
Anyway.....
after she dumped me, i floundered for 2 years. I relapsed badly and nearly died, ended up in the hospital, etc. Had no resources to help myself for a long while. It was tough for a long long time until I finally found the right T for me. long story.

i just... i am NOT going to file a complaint about her... i am not sure how i feel about all of it anymore. i guess i just need to take her off her pedestal that I still have her a little bit on.
My new T is SOOOO much better-- she is trustworthy and kind, and compassionate. I am not afraid to go to therapy anymore, afraid of if she will be in a bad mood or be holding something against me like old T. And I have made more progress in 1.5 years with this new T than I did in 7 years with old T.

oh and, after she ended with me, she refused to acknowledge me anymore-- never responded to emails or anything. so i still have no closure, and zillions of unanswered questions. i still dont know what in the world happened (one week everything was fine, the next she dumped me-- i am still so clueless).. so she won't answer any of my questions.

about a year afterwards, i did write her a letter-- just saying, i wonder what happened, please forgive me for whatever i did that messed everything up, etc-- i dont know if she read it or not. the whole thing was incredibly hurtful. but on the good side, it led me to my new T who is wonderful so nowadays i can see how God worked it all out for good, but at the time it was just devastating.

I'm sorry that you had to go through all that, and glad you have found someone better, who is helping you. I relate to your story a lot. I also was seeing a therapist for about 7 years who was a lot like you describe. I was really hurt a lot of the time, and kept going back in hopes of getting it right and finally getting some approval, but she kept me off balance and it never did really get better. That ended when I got divorced and lost insurance. She did answer emails a couple of times, but wasn't very nice when she did.

I have a new T also, who is nice to me, and I wonder if that's going to do any good. My new T was my supervisor a few years ago, and told me that the idea was for clients to feel a little bit better, and more hopeful, after a therapy session. I wondered why I never felt better, only worse. I always figure that if anything isn't going right, it must be my fault. I'm not sure that I feel better after sessions with her, but at least she doesn't make me feel worse. I just don't know if I'll ever get better. But she is consistent, and I like that.

As a therapist myself, I try to be more like her - more accepting and more consistent. I am nice to my clients - and I wonder if that's effective for them, but it balances out since the team I'm working with includes therapists who are more aggressive too, so maybe we balance each other out. I couldn't be like them. But at least they seem to be consistent.