Went to therapy. It was everything I hate about therapy and nothing I like about therapy.

Had crappy stupid flashback moment. Unexpected, talking about something completely unrelated to the flashback, and was triggered by a word. BY A WORD. A normal, everyday word. I tried to bring myself back, it almost worked, and then it got worse. I know T talked me through it, but I felt like a big disappointment because he was so proud of me last week for finding my way out myself.

Didn't want to go there again, at ALL, so ended up talking about nothing for the rest of the $75, 90 minute session.

Talked about financial stuff. T didn't offer a solution or a reduced rate, and I didn't ask. He thought maybe I was punishing myself by giving up therapy. I thought maybe I was having this feeling like "if I give up therapy, I will be able to make the dog well"...when there really is nothing that will make him well. That was kind of it. T was like "yeah, all of this financial stuff sucks". The end. Whatever. And yes, I should have asked, but I felt like the answer would be no, so it felt pointless.

At the end of session, T sat with me. I needed reassurance and asked for it and he redirected it completely. He talked about how needing the reassurance was a sticking point (?? I can't remember the exact words). He talked about my H. I told him that if I could believe that I'm okay, that I'm loved, etc. I wouldn't BE IN THERAPY.

So. I basically pulled away. I moved away from him on the couch. I pulled out my calendar and checkbook. I wrote him his stupid giant check. We looked at the schedule for the month and the day I CAN go (Friday) is only open one week, so he has me on Thursdays, which is really difficult, and which I probably can't do every week.

So. Flashbacks, disconnection, disappointment. I left feeling too needy, and super icky.

Stupid, stupid, stupid therapy.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by treehouse

He talked about how needing the reassurance was a sticking point

You know he has your best interest in mind Tree. Maybe this ^ is worth exploring?

So you were upset with yourself because you couldn't pull yourself out of the flashback?

Do you think that he doesn't care because he didn't offer a reduced rate?

Even the sessions that are difficult are still valuable to our journey.

Painful stuff.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by treehouse

Went to therapy. It was everything I hate about therapy and nothing I like about therapy.

Had crappy stupid flashback moment. Unexpected, talking about something completely unrelated to the flashback, and was triggered by a word. BY A WORD. A normal, everyday word. I tried to bring myself back, it almost worked, and then it got worse. I know T talked me through it, but I felt like a big disappointment because he was so proud of me last week for finding my way out myself.

Didn't want to go there again, at ALL, so ended up talking about nothing for the rest of the $75, 90 minute session.

Talked about financial stuff. T didn't offer a solution or a reduced rate, and I didn't ask. He thought maybe I was punishing myself by giving up therapy. I thought maybe I was having this feeling like "if I give up therapy, I will be able to make the dog well"...when there really is nothing that will make him well. That was kind of it. T was like "yeah, all of this financial stuff sucks". The end. Whatever. And yes, I should have asked, but I felt like the answer would be no, so it felt pointless.

At the end of session, T sat with me. I needed reassurance and asked for it and he redirected it completely. He talked about how needing the reassurance was a sticking point (?? I can't remember the exact words). He talked about my H. I told him that if I could believe that I'm okay, that I'm loved, etc. I wouldn't BE IN THERAPY.

So. I basically pulled away. I moved away from him on the couch. I pulled out my calendar and checkbook. I wrote him his stupid giant check. We looked at the schedule for the month and the day I CAN go (Friday) is only open one week, so he has me on Thursdays, which is really difficult, and which I probably can't do every week.

So. Flashbacks, disconnection, disappointment. I left feeling too needy, and super icky.

Stupid, stupid, stupid therapy.

I personally really love your writing and the way you express yourself. I bet he does as well! This sounds painful but you put it in such amazing perspective. I can see you there! Too needy...I get it. I hope some of your needs are being met by being here with us. Hugs to you..I get the dog thing too as I am very connected to animals!

[Wysteria]

[quote=treehouse;2043056]Went to therapy. It was everything I hate about therapy and nothing I like about therapy.

Hi Treehouse,

I'm so sorry that you had a cruddy session with your T and for all the disconnection and icky feelings that you left with..

I couldn't help but notice though that you said that you were angry with yourself for the dissociation and for not asking directly for the lower rate and you moved away from him when he sat with you at the end of session. It seems like you really put up the walls this session between you and T. It didn't seem like he helped at all, but I wondered if there were more to it somehow...it was like you were angry with him from the beginning. I know my anger often comes from fear. Did it just tumble from the fear from the dissociation at the beginning and then go on downhill from there?

I don't mean to pick it apart or lessen the fact that it hurt a lot. I hate sessions like that. I had one myself with T on Tuesday. I wish there were a way we could hit the brakes mid session and say....'Wait. Not going right. Stop and start over cause this is about to get UGLY!!' We need a BS or Bad Session button that we can hit like a Panic button. Guess we don't get "do-overs" and that's the whole point, just like life.

But there's always next week...Maybe the stars will align, and you will hold your head at just the right angle, and T will be in a great mood, and all will be right with the world again. I really hope so.
If you need a pocket-rider next week, let me know..

Big gentle huggles!!!

Wysteria Blue

[WePow]

((((((Tree)))))))))) ugggs!!! I am so so sorry. That is so tough! Sending you so many tons of hugs!!!

[QUOTE=Wysteria;2043480]

Originally Posted by treehouse

It seems like you really put up the walls this session between you and T....it was like you were angry with him from the beginning. I know my anger often comes from fear. Did it just tumble from the fear from the dissociation at the beginning and then go on downhill from there?

You know, it did go downhill after the dissociation, actually. I went in with something to show him, and the first part of the session was fine. We started talking about my dog dying and that's when T (or maybe it was me) said something that triggered me. I think after that I was disappointed in myself for not doing a better job, and I was scared that T was disappointed in me.

And I was SO triggered and overwhelmed and it was kind of hard to come all the way back into myself and into the room, and I think I was trying to act more okay than I felt. I think that was a big part of it, looking back.

It all just sucked, now that I think about it.

T left me a message and I think he said I sounded confused and that it would make sense for me to be confused given all the stuff I had going on. In the message, he did give me the reassurance I asked for in session.

I have a history of creating ruptures when things get too scary in therapy, and I try really really hard to look out for that and to NOT do it, so I was really aware of it today. In the end, I think I was confused and disappointed after session, but not really angry. I know that T does love me and that I'm safe there and that we'll move through it.

I think I'm just stressed out.

[learning1]

Sorry Tree. It's so hard to decide what to do with pets. If it's incurable, sometimes it's better to not torture them with trips to the vet? But it's so hard to know when.

[Wysteria]

((((((Treehouse))))) So glad the T called and that it wasn't really anger...I know you will work it out...hope you can get some good sleep tonight..

Night.

WB

Tree, so glad t called with your vm. and glad that he gave you the reassurance you were looking for... that is why we go to therapy.

try to self soothe, i love it when you talk about coloring your mandalas.

sending safe hugs

[rainbow_rose]

i wish i had words, treehouse... hope these'll do...

I sent T an e-mail last night and asked for a reply, but he didn't reply. I know it's because he hasn't read it..he goes days sometimes without getting on his computer.

But I am going out of town this weekend (camping, yay ) and I really really really want him to reply before I go. So, I CALLED his voice mail last night and asked him if he would please read it.

I am SO NEEDY right now. I told him in the message I know I sound SO NEEDY, but that when my relationship with T is solid and safe, everything else is a little easier. I so so so so hope he listens to the message and reads the voice mail.

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( Tree ))))

I hope T listens to the voicemail and reads your email too. Try to be kind to yourself through this. It's ok to need T.

I also hope you enjoy your weekend camping! It will be nice for you to get away for a while and focus on enjoying life. ((( HUGS )))

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I think after that I was disappointed in myself for not doing a better job, and I was scared that T was disappointed in me.

I think I was trying to act more okay than I felt.

In the message, he did give me the reassurance I asked for in session.

So you are afraid of not being the good girl with T? And you needed his reassurance that you were still a good girl even though you couldn't perform perfectly?

Maybe this is what T is trying to change? Maybe he is seeing how you rely too much on him reassuring you that you are still a good girl and that you are loved?

If you become aware of this it can lose its power and you can validate yourself from inside of yourself instead?

[granite1]

it sounds like you had a hard session and you both were just a bit off maybe.i hope he gets back to you soon and to also have a great camping trip.i love to camp.i love the relaxing sounds of nature.

[googley]

(((((((((((Tree))))))))))))
I'm so sorry about your dog. I'm sorry your session was so hard. It really sucks to have a session where you get so disconnected.

I hope your T replies and you have a wonderful time camping this weekend. Can I come, I love camping?

[WePow]

((((((Tree))))))) You are doing great by asking for what you need. That is very important. It is hard to do that. I am glad you are able to ask for what you need.

[Wysteria]

Just think...Tree is sitting under the trees somewhere hopefully looking up at the stars...mmm

I hope she relaxes and has a great weekend.

Let us know about your trip when you get back Treehouse...
Obviously wish I were out there under the moon with some friends and a campfire too!

Huggles!!

WB

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by treehouse

At the end of session, T sat with me. I needed reassurance and asked for it and he redirected it completely. He talked about how needing the reassurance was a sticking point

That's so hard to reach out for help, ask for what we need, and then get intellectual talk about what our problem (sticking point) is. It may be true, but it's hard to hear that stuff when we are sitting there feeling so needy. I think your T could have discussed your "sticking point" with you at a time when you weren't reaching out for help. When a person is feeling like that, they are usually not receptive to intellectual banter.

Treehouse, camping trip sounds nice. I love getting outside in the Fall. I hope you had a nice snuggly sleeping bag to keep you warm in the Fall weather.

[dizgirl2011]

***huge hugs tree***

I hope you hear from your T before you go camping!

It can be so frustrating and upsetting to leave a session feeling worse than before you went in, which can happen.

I think your T does care . I'm sorry to hear you are going through so much financially. Therapy is definately a strain on money.

hope your weekend helps you feel better also
xxxxx

Hi ((((((PC Friends))))))

I'm back from my weekend of camping. Being outside is so grounding and centering for me...I like camping more than anything. So, it was good.

Before I left, T did leave me another message. He gave me everything I needed, and at the end, said that we can make space to talk about the financial stuff and that we'll work something out. It helped. He told me (a few times), "you are NOT too much" and that helped too.

My dog does have lymphoma. But he came camping and ate people food (he's never had people food but now I'm giving him whatever meat he'll eat) and stayed within 2 feet of me all weekend He got lots of love from all of my friends. He loves camping, so I'm really glad he could come on this trip with us.

Wow. Life is crazy sometimes.

[pgrundy]

Ack! It sounds very painful but your insight into your own process is amazing. It's obvious you've done a lot of work and are getting somewhere. It shows.

I've had horrible sessions where I got triggered and it was worse than root canal and it feels so naked at the end, ugh, it's an awful feeling. But I'm never as lucid as you are about what it all means and where to go from there.

Hope your next session is less painful. Yeah the money thing sucks. Like it's not already hard enough to have the problem, but I guess it is what it is. We each do what we can and it's not that easy.

Hang in there!