[shezbut]

I finally see my T again on Tuesday, my 2 week mark. Pretty much every day since my last visit I've been seriously struggling to find the will to continue living.

I think about ending it several times a day every day! I feel stuck. I've got appointments to find a job, but I can barely muster the energy just to get up (much less dress up, prepare, and put on a "happy face" ~ the face is really impossible for me to muster!).

It's not just the job thing. It's everything in my life. My girls, my boyfriend, my ongoing medical and psychological issues, self-alienated from my sick family, etc. I really want to end it all!

I know how selfish that sounds to most people. I'm certainly not innocent, so yeah, I guess that my selfishness does along with my wonderful personality ! I really wish that I could arrange things smoothly, to prevent trauma. I sure don't want people to hate me more than they do already! But, these emotions are freakin hell! Can't I get some kind of break already? Please??!

I don't know what to do ~ Miserable is an understatement.

Shez

[Wysteria]

[quote=shezbut;2038260]I finally see my T again on Tuesday, my 2 week mark. Pretty much every day since my last visit I've been seriously struggling to find the will to continue living.

I know how selfish that sounds to most people. I'm certainly not innocent, so yeah, I guess that my selfishness does along with my wonderful personality ! I really wish that I could arrange things smoothly, to prevent trauma. I sure don't want people to hate me more than they do already! But, these emotions are freakin hell! Can't I get some kind of break already? Please??!

Hi Shezbut,

God the pain that radiates from your message just tears at my soul. I am so sorry that you are in this place of darkness and feel so trapped and all alone. I am there with you and have lived there a long time too. It seems like it just will never end and that no one can possibly understand that your heart can hurt that badly without you just dissolving. I'm also sorry that you feel like we would judge you for experiencing this pain or doing what you can to relieve it. But it can change. And if you stop for just a moment, and think back you will see times that it has lifted or almost miraculously ebbed for a while when a few things fell into place and you gained some momentum and progress. This will happen again. For now, you need some real help. Either with some medication or a medication change to bring you up to a level of some ability to tolerate or a hospitalization to keep you safe and get everyone off of you for a short time while you get up to your knees and then your feet.

There is no real shame in either of these options. Both are much better than transferring this grief to those around you should you choose the other option. I understand the overwhelming urge to stop the pain, but I ask you to stop and try a little harder and do something totally different to break the cycle. Whatever that may be. A little imagined embarrassment is better than a long term solution to a short term, very real and extremely painful problem. Please reach out for some truly serious and professional help to get you out of the prison of pain you are in. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, no matter who they are in the end. You do matter. That is all that is important... F$ck the rest for now...and get the help you deserve and truly want.

Strong arms and angels wings to lift you up...

Wysteria Blue

[shezbut]

Thank you for your words of kindness and understanding, Wisteria Blue.

I'm very afraid that hospitalization will make my relationships and finances even more strained. I seriously feel like my only real options are either suicide or nothing.

Shez

[kaliope]

Originally Posted by shezbut

I know how selfish that sounds to most people.

Shezbut ---Take comfort in knowing that I know you are not being selfish. My depression cycles were suicidal as well. I know what it is like to be where you are now. I had three children to care for and nothing about that factored into the fact that I wanted to die more than anything. It only made me feel more unworthy of living, that i would want to take my life when i had these three beautiful children that counted on me. But i never felt selfish. Totally consumed in the welcoming thought of death. None of my T's or pdocs could figure out why i went to such a deep, dark place.

but i cant say it any better than wysteria:

Originally Posted by Wysteria

But it can change. And if you stop for just a moment, and think back you will see times that it has lifted or almost miraculously ebbed for a while when a few things fell into place and you gained some momentum and progress. This will happen again. For now, you need some real help. Either with some medication or a medication change to bring you up to a level of some ability to tolerate or a hospitalization to keep you safe and get everyone off of you for a short time while you get up to your knees and then your feet.

I had my last depression several years ago. it was where you are at now. i knew i was going to take my life if i didnt take some action to address it. all the coping skills i had werent working. so i finally got on medication. and just as wysteria said, it was almost miraculous, it lifted, or so it seems now, so far away from it. but i am better now. i never dreamed back then that i could crawl out of that darkness. never thought i would see the light of day again. never thought it was possible. but here i am. havent been on antidepressants for a year. havent been depressed for a couple years. its amazing after being suicidal for so long, for wanting to die for most of my life.

i agree with wysteria. things are really serious for you right now. im concerned. counseling every two weeks isnt going to cut it right now. you need a safety plan if inpatient isnt an option. can your T see you more frequently? are you on an antidepressant and can it be increased? can you cut back on the responsibilities at home right now and just rest? give yourself a break.

hang in there. my prayers are with you.

[dizgirl2011]

Hey ,

It's very difficult to be in the position were you feel suicide is the only way out. Please know that this is definately not the truth but your depression is blocking the ability to see the other options and have any energy to try them. I have been suicidal so I know how bleek it feels.

You are not selfish to express your feelings of deep sadness and desperation. No one wants to feel this way.

I am glad you see your T on Tuesday. Please let them know exactly how bad things are for you right now and the struggle the past 2 weeks have been. It may help to write down a list of the things that you feel are making life so difficult and take that with you also?

I hope you can keep yourself safe until you see your T on tuesday and are able to talk with them

***massive hugs****

[Omers]

Hi,
Sometimes nothing is a good choice. I am around if you want to talk. I understand not being able to go to the hospital, if I ever go back I lose custody of my son forever.

Some times giving into the depression and just hiding in bed is the best we have available.

I care as do others. please know that others would be hurt by your loss. My mother attempted sui. I will NEVER forget. I can't forget the scars, I can't forget the terror, the sadness, the anger, the betrayal, the cruelty of the other kids and even my teachers. I am lucky though, I still have her. I am NOT saying you are being selfish... just sharing my experiences on both sides.

No one lives in a vacuum.

[Omers]

Shezbut... you may want to join the social group someone to walk next to you or reach out to someone in the group. Just a suggestion.

[Kacey2]

Shezbut,
Oh you are in a painful spot. I understand that depression where you feel you are walking through sludge with every move. I often think of the old cymbalta commercial with the dog that asks who does depression hurt? everyone........what does depression hurt...........everything. It makes all your days so hard.

Make sure you give yourself one treat of self comfort for the day, whether it be a cold popsicle, a blanket right out of the dryer, a hot bubble bath. I hope you have a safe spot to land at your next t appointment and get some much needed TLC. Keep being mindful, one day at a time. (sometimes one hour or one minute at a time) And remember you won't feel like this always you are feeling this for now and it sucks but feelings change. Take care.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Hi Sweetie, I am sorry that you are suffering so much right now. Please do everything that you can to keep yourself safe ok?? Stay in contact with friends, family, and feel free to post as often and as much as you want. We are here listening to you and we care about you, You WILL make it through this struggle, I know you will.

[quote=shezbut;2038260]I finally see my T again on Tuesday, my 2 week mark. Pretty much every day since my last visit I've been seriously struggling to find the will to continue living.

I think about ending it several times a day every day! I feel stuck. I've got appointments to find a job, but I can barely muster the energy just to get up (much less dress up, prepare, and put on a "happy face" ~ the face is really impossible for me to muster!).

It's not just the job thing. It's everything in my life. My girls, my boyfriend, my ongoing medical and psychological issues, self-alienated from my sick family, etc. I really want to end it all!

I know how selfish that sounds to most people. I'm certainly not innocent, so yeah, I guess that my selfishness does along with my wonderful personality ! I really wish that I could arrange things smoothly, to prevent trauma. I sure don't want people to hate me more than they do already! But, these emotions are freakin hell! Can't I get some kind of break already? Please??!



I don't know what to do ~ Miserable is an understatement.

(((Shez))) I don't see selfishness at all. Those are facts and they hurt. I understand what you're feeling, but as you told me once, "You don't get to do "that" if I don't". I'm sorry you feel miserable or worse. We're here if you need us.

[shezbut]

Calista+12 said, "I understand what you're feeling, but as you told me once, "You don't get to do "that" if I don't". "

Yeah, I do remember saying that to you, now that you mention it. Just a couple of weeks ago at that! I do see the T tomarrow. I guess that we'll see what happens.

Shez

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by shezbut

I do see the T tomarrow. I guess that we'll see what happens.

Shez I will be keeping close to you today. Hope it goes well

[googley]

((((((((((((Shezbut))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you are feeling so depressed.

[beautiful.mess]

I'm sorry you're in a bad way Shez. I have no advice or words of wisdom, but please believe me when I say that I know exactly how you feel.

[Wysteria]

Hey Shezbut...

Thinking of you today...wondering how your T session is going...please let us know. Just worried and care very much about you and want you to feel a little relief from the hurt.

Oogley Boogley Huggles to you...lol

Wysteria Blue

[shezbut]

Ty for the hugs ~ I am in a hospital today.
On the way to hopefully making myself feel better.

Shez

(((Shezbut))) Take good care and don't forget how much you matter to us.

[Wysteria]

Originally Posted by shezbut

Ty for the hugs ~ I am in a hospital today.
On the way to hopefully making myself feel better.

Shez

Hey Shez!
Good for you! Way to do what you needed to do make yourself safe and take care of yourself! Very brave! I hope that they can help you feel a little better very soon and that you will be coming back to us stronger than ever!

Strength and loving huggles!!
WB

[BrokenNBeautiful]

you are not selfish! (responding to your original message)

Depression is like that. It is.

I know you don't mean to feel this way or to not be there for your family!

I am glad you checked in and got some help.

Are you okay?

Getting help and talking to us and venting and processing like you are doing is very responsible and UNSELFISH.

Billi

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by billi_leli

you are not selfish! (responding to your original message)

Depression is like that. It is.

I know you don't mean to feel this way or to not be there for your family!

I am glad you checked in and got some help.

Are you okay?

Getting help and talking to us and venting and processing like you are doing is very responsible and UNSELFISH.

Billi

Billi

Thank you. I appreciate your supportive response. It is kind.

Unfortunately, my mindset isn't any better now than it was before entering the ER. I still wish that I could escape the misery that has followed me throughout life. Not real positive.

The group of professionals on "my case" are now recommending that I go into a halfway house, for longer term care of mental illness. They forsee my placement to be for 30-90 days. Very scary for me! I really don't want to go, but I don't feel that i have much choice in the decision.

Mayo Clinic doesn't have a wing, or whatever, for longer-term care of serious mental disorders. The place does have 6 bedrooms ~ 4 are single bedrooms. So, not a lot of people to deal with. Maybe that will make it easier. I always have a hard time when I'm in the hospital, and see people coming in and going home a few days later! In the meantime, my perspective hasn't changed.

Thanks for reading the novel....
Shez

[Wysteria]

Mayo Clinic doesn't have a wing, or whatever, for longer-term care of serious mental disorders. The place does have 6 bedrooms ~ 4 are single bedrooms. So, not a lot of people to deal with. Maybe that will make it easier.

hey Shezbut,

Boy, I'm so very proud of you for seeking the care that you so badly need and having the courage to go through with it. I know if feels a little forced or whatever, but you are still the one doing it and doing the work and I'm so incredibly proud of you. You are going to one of the top places in the country, and I just know they will be able to help you. You are in my heart and mind, and I hope you will be able to continue to send us some kind of updates from there to let us know how you are doing. I know we will all keep you close while you are going through your struggles. So many people have been worried and caring about you lately. Please take very good care of you and use this time of healing to your very best advantage...

Warm snuggles and hopes for peace on your journey...

Wysteria Blue

Shez, continue to post if you can. i hate depression, it takes on a life of its own and knows no boundaries.
the big black hole sucks.
i have been there, in the hospital, and it helps soooo much. time to not worry about things or have to think for awhile.

do what "you" need to do to get better. im on your side and besides that, I love your avatar!

[likewater]

You did something very brave going to er. I trust you to make the right decision even if it' s scary. I need to go back to work tomorrow and im scared. If you can do what you' re doing, i can do what i have to. Thank you for sharing your story. I' m in your corner. We are all behind you, cheering for you. Hugs. Lots of hugs from me. My dog sends you kisses too.

[JustWannaDisappear]

I'm pretty late on this, but reading your post put tears in my eyes. I am dealing with the same feelings right now as well.

Also, wanted to say Hi to a fellow Minnesotan