[granite1]

so as most of you know i missed my session last Monday do to the holiday AGAIN.i really did miss her or going to therapy .i don't know which but i guess it is one in the same.anyway the point is i really missed her i swear it is because i don't feel all that connected to her when i want to.i feel i wouldn't miss her if i even felt a little bit attached or something .i would be able to know that she is there and wanting to help me.she has told me i could call her any time she is in her office etc..i did this only once and only said OK when she called me back not exactly a conversation on my part.
the only way i know of to feel this connection is to start to talk to her,if i do this i will know her better.i did this with my husband but he wasn't into wanting to know all my deep dark past secretes.she DOES.i for the most part can talk to her about small talk .like wow you got a new plant .believe me this is progress .but i still don't feel any trust or connection.i know this may sound stupid but i just have no idea how to take it to the next level..maybe it is by answering the questions she asks like i said in another post.i remember a few weeks ago she asked a apparently safe question."how did you meet your best friend?" i answered and by the time i realized it i was talking quite a bit about my trip to take care of the mother and how it was .but once i kind of realized what i was saying i quickly shut up.in fact i think i even said oh god i think it is time for me to shut up.so maybe i need to just answer any questions she may ask and relax and go with it.but what if she doesn't ask questions and what if i realize i am talking about hurtful things and want to stop how do i continue.it is so hard but i seem to want to trust her .but cant seem to take this leap of faith.i know i don't have any Monday holidays for a while now so maybe it is the time to try.I'm terrified

[rainbow_rose]

i think ur subject line is very true, granite. it truly is a leap of faith and it very ok and natural to be scared. "feel the fear & do it anyway" if we can do that, i believe it can lead to growth.

can i book an early reservation to ride in ur pocket if u need any?

[granite1]

Originally Posted by rainbow_rose

i think ur subject line is very true, granite. it truly is a leap of faith and it very ok and natural to be scared. "feel the fear & do it anyway" if we can do that, i believe it can lead to growth.

can i book an early reservation to ride in ur pocket if u need any?

for sure you can.the idea of talking to her terrifies me unbelievably so.i have been seeing her for three years now and she knows nothing about me at all except i don't talk and trust her hardly at all.i don't know if i will chicken out in the end next Monday but i doubt it.it is like i am panicked about not talking to her.at this point i don't know what is worse i think they are kind of on an even playing field.i need to do something because i can see things are going to get really bad again because of stuff at work.i am able to hold it together for now but it is like a time bomb for me and i don't want it to go off without her there to help me put things back together like last time

[Perna]

I use to picture my T sitting beside me on a bench, like a "friend" rather than across from me when I wanted to really talk to her, tell her something specific and that helped me some.

I would use the knowledge you have that you have "accidentally" talked to her, like when you went on talking about how you met your best friend too long and got into about the mother, etc.; nothing bad happened as a result so maybe nothing bad will happen if you tell her about X? Experiment, start to tell her things that are difficult but not as difficult as the other stuff? You know you can stop/clam up well if you get scared so you are protected, use your defenses in your favor, knowing they will protect you, even when you might not want them too

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by rainbow_rose

can i book an early reservation to ride in ur pocket if u need any?

me too!!

...and I will be the one whispering loudly, "PSSTTT - hey you - T - Granite wants to change to any day except Monday"

[granite1]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

me too!!

...and I will be the one whispering loudly, "PSSTTT - hey you - T - Granite wants to change to any day except Monday"

lol she only works in this office on mon,tue,and wednsday.i doubt she has any other opening.when i first met with her i asked if i could have a differnt time and she told me on the phone this was all she had.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Perna

I use to picture my T sitting beside me on a bench, like a "friend" rather than across from me when I wanted to really talk to her, tell her something specific and that helped me some.

I would use the knowledge you have that you have "accidentally" talked to her, like when you went on talking about how you met your best friend too long and got into about the mother, etc.; nothing bad happened as a result so maybe nothing bad will happen if you tell her about X? Experiment, start to tell her things that are difficult but not as difficult as the other stuff? You know you can stop/clam up well if you get scared so you are protected, use your defenses in your favor, knowing they will protect you, even when you might not want them too

i can always just stop talking believe me i know this to well the problem is i do that to much.i don't think it is helpful at all for me i have this strong feeling that something needs to happen and soon or things wont be good .i do remember nothing bad did happen but i do wonder if that is because i stopped before it did.or the horrible feeling came

[ECHOES]

It's okay to feel safe, and ready, and terrified all at the same time. The terrified may be more about the unfamiliar territory than it is about feel safe with your T.
I think you have been talking, and you have had some leaps of faith to get to where you are. I think it might be that you are more aware of your experience of taking leaps of faith and talking and those experiences are encouraging you, but another protective part of you says to be cautious.

It sounds like your liking therapy is helping you to want to be there even more.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

It's okay to feel safe, and ready, and terrified all at the same time. The terrified may be more about the unfamiliar territory than it is about feel safe with your T.
I think you have been talking, and you have had some leaps of faith to get to where you are. I think it might be that you are more aware of your experience of taking leaps of faith and talking and those experiences are encouraging you, but another protective part of you says to be cautious.

It sounds like your liking therapy is helping you to want to be there even more.

it does seem like i want to be thare more but i dont really know if this is a good thing.i am so confused with all of how i feel.this therapy is like none i have ever had.it is differnt and i have no idea about it.i feel so strange about it.the T i had in the past was so differnt i never talked i was violent i didnt have a choice but to go if i talked or not.i would always have someone holding me down if i was upset so i didnt hurt anyone or me .all this is so differnt than that.

[unaluna]

You even sound different today, l0nger sentences & stuff. you sound more regular conversational like. well I guess partly because you're not reporting what happened, but still, you just SOUND friendlier, even just about talking about your T. I don't know if that's important or significant or if i'm even noticing right! but it just sounds like it to me. you sound good!

[lastyearisblank]

Hi granite! I am a socially anxious person so I have a lot of trouble coming up with things to say sometimes. "That's a nice plant" sounds pretty good actually, when you're panicked you're panicked, any conversation topic is pretty hard at that point. It is really good that you can take it at your pace w/ no pressure. I hope you can talk to her about the work stuff that is coming up.

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by granite1

it does seem like i want to be thare more but i dont really know if this is a good thing.i am so confused with all of how i feel.this therapy is like none i have ever had.it is differnt and i have no idea about it.i feel so strange about it.the T i had in the past was so differnt i never talked i was violent i didnt have a choice but to go if i talked or not.i would always have someone holding me down if i was upset so i didnt hurt anyone or me .all this is so differnt than that.

So maybe it is these memories that scare you so much, as if this therapy could turn in to that therapy, even though you know it isn't the same.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

So maybe it is these memories that scare you so much, as if this therapy could turn in to that therapy, even though you know it isn't the same.

i am so scared to death of getting that out of controle again.i know that i do decide not to act this way any more but i get scare of what i would do if truely confronted with all thwe memories of my past.my T said she knows it wouldnt be good for me to be bombarded with all these things and memories and that we can go slow and all.i love that she has rarely pushed me to talk at all.only when she felt it would be bad for me not to talk or her knowing what is going on.maybe it will be ok

[granite1]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

Hi granite! I am a socially anxious person so I have a lot of trouble coming up with things to say sometimes. "That's a nice plant" sounds pretty good actually, when you're panicked you're panicked, any conversation topic is pretty hard at that point. It is really good that you can take it at your pace w/ no pressure. I hope you can talk to her about the work stuff that is coming up.

i have a good T she is so patient with me and all.at least this is how i feel this week .who knows next week i will be scared she hates me and is angry and frustrated etc...i swear some times she has to be a saint

[learning1]

good for you Granite. I'm happy to read you're able to talk to her more and your therapy is working. (I'll try to do the same too)

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by granite1

i am so scared to death of getting that out of controle again.i know that i do decide not to act this way any more but i get scare of what i would do if truely confronted with all thwe memories of my past.my T said she knows it wouldnt be good for me to be bombarded with all these things and memories and that we can go slow and all.i love that she has rarely pushed me to talk at all.only when she felt it would be bad for me not to talk or her knowing what is going on.maybe it will be ok

If you and T haven't talked about this recently, it could be a good time.

[JustWannaDisappear]

Small chit chat helps me talk in therapy. My first therapist I ever had, I was 18. We would sit and stare at each other and she would always say "what do you want to talk about today?" I didn't know. I felt like I had nothing. I was there for something specific PTSD related and I felt like she would only check in on it and never pushed it. Therefore, I didn't make progress.

Fast forward 10yrs later and this T senses my anxiety and understands that some sessions I just need small talk. Nothing specific, doesn't need to go anywhere, except that it usually helps her connect the dots to previous sessions. It helps my anxiety tremendously and each time I gain more trust in her and feel more connected.

You're making great progress. Even if you think it's nothing or you're talking too much. I try to read all your posts and can see the progress you're making. I'm proud of you.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by granite1

lol she only works in this office on mon,tue,and wednsday.i doubt she has any other opening.when i first met with her i asked if i could have a differnt time and she told me on the phone this was all she had.

OK, but that was then... she might have something different available now.
Or you could ask her to let you know when something different does come open.

[ECHOES]

^^

When I want to change my weekly appointment, I let my T know and when she can make it happen, she lets me know. Since some folks only go for a short while, or have a desire to change their appointment time too, things can happen. But only if we let them know what we want.