[BlessedRhiannon]

For the first time ever, I really, really don't want to go to my T session today. There have been times where going produced extreme anxiety, but I've never simply not wanted to go. I'll still go...it's way too late to cancel...but I just don't wanna. I suppose I'll have to talk to my T about this, since I have no idea why I feel this way.

It's weird. I like my T, I think she's absolutely amazing. I trust her, nothing has happened between us...I just dread going today. I think maybe it's because I have a specific thing I want to talk about that I'm really afraid to talk about and it's making me just not want to go. That's all I can come up with right now, anyway!

[pbutton]

Having a scary topic in mind usually makes me not want to go. Yet I'm always glad that I did. Good luck!

[Perna]

That little insight could be it! Way to go realizing it. I was thinking maybe, if nothing much has been going on, the strong feeling of not wanting to go is a little more "exciting" than "nothing"? It gives the sense of something to explore where if you haven't had much recently and sessions have seemed tame, maybe it is just to spice things up a bit, the resistance feeling good like some stretching exercises can?

[BlessedRhiannon]

I was thinking maybe, if nothing much has been going on, the strong feeling of not wanting to go is a little more "exciting" than "nothing"? It gives the sense of something to explore where if you haven't had much recently and sessions have seemed tame, maybe it is just to spice things up a bit

I really wish that were it, but I know it's not. Sessions lately have been a little intense as we're getting in to some very difficult things for me.

I also realized, I sent my T a couple emails this week that revealed more about me than I'm comfortable with. So that's probably some of the resistance too.

And, now I'm totally procrastinating by typing replies instead of getting out the door! I need to leave right now and just don't want to.

I think maybe it's because I have a specific thing I want to talk about that I'm really afraid to talk about and it's making me just not want to go. That's all I can come up with right now, anyway!

I think that's your answer right there, and you figured it out! It certainly makes sense. If you're afraid to talk about it, why on earth would you be looking forward to the session?? Good luck - hopefully it will turn out to be a really productive session.

[sunrise]

Hope your session goes well, BlessedRhiannon. I sometimes don't want to go to therapy but I go and end up being glad I did. Like earlier this week I did not want to go, I just felt too lazy and apathetic so we looked into that in our session.

[mcl6136]

Boy can I relate....sometimes what arises surprises! Good luck to you....I've mised your departure but likely the session is already going well!

[BlessedRhiannon]

I went (of course) and it was a good session, I guess. Unfortunately, when I got there, a bunch of little things suddenly felt urgent and I didn't really get to talk about the big thing I wanted to talk about. I also chickened out on telling my T that I didn't want to come...I know I should have, and we should have talked about it, but I just couldn't.

We had a good discussion about the things I did bring up, but I left feeling unsettled and tense because we didn't really get to the things I wanted to. It was my own fault...my T is not a mind reader, so if I don't bring up a topic, she has no way of knowing I want to talk about it.

I decided that the only way I'm going to actually be able to talk about the things I want to talk about is if I email my T and ask her for help in not avoiding the topics. So, I just composed an email to her explaining that I need her help in this, and listing the topics (there are 3) that I keep letting myself avoid. I'll send it to her in a bit...it just needs to sit in my drafts folder until I get enough courage to hit send.

[pbutton]

I had to have a couple really crappy sessions where I left feeling frustrated because I didn't say what I had wanted to say. It certainly taught me to approach the situation differently. Not a fun lesson.

I think sending that email to your T sounds like a great idea. Sending brave vibes your way so that you can hit send.