[delicatefade26]

Okay...so my T told me last session that we would have to look at our next session being 2 weeks out because he was going on a trip...it made me upset that he didn't tell me before hand that there would have to be a break-esp. when he knows I have severe abandonment issues...and worry all the time that he is going to leave me...I was over that for the most part-then I asked a girl that he works with where he was for the week-if he was at a conference or speaking at an event etc....but it turns out he is celebrating his anniversary-and for some reason that sparked so much anger within me-I almost emailed him to tell him that I changed my mind about wanting a session when he gets back-especially because now I know for sure that he is not going to be emailing me back...and it's about possibly talking to my doc for me about a med/dx change...I don't know what to do with this anger and being upset...I want to quit this therapy crap...it's just too much-and no one seems to understand why things like this upset me so much...maybe I dont either I don't think it's worth the trouble anymore...why can't I respond normally?!! My heart is pounding right now...and I want to just LOSE IT!!

[unaluna]

Whoa - for one thing, this girl was out of line for telling you where he was, if he didn't tell you himself, so you could deal with your transference feelings in session. You know how Rainbow8's therapist has asked her not to 'do' her therapy on here? This is why - now it's like you're doing your therapy WITH THIS GIRL, not your T. She is not equipped to deal with your inner 10-year old's anger and jealousy - your T is (maybe!). He has his reasons, you deal with it when he gets back, yes it is frustrating - but you don't let stuff distract you from getting what YOU want in life. And you do want this therapy, and you're doing a good job of it. You're leading me. I have to go get my laundry out of the dryer, but i'll be back!

Do you ever do CBT worksheets to work through your irrational thoughts? I have an app on my ipod touch: icbt (there's also icouch, etc.). I'm sure you can find some on the internet. You write down your irrational thought, the emotions associated with it, and the negative thoughts associated with it. Then you write the distortions associated with it (All/nothing thinking, overgeneralizing, etc. - there's a whole list). You then rewrite your thought noticing how you've distorted it. I'm probably butchering my explanation, but I find doing exercises like this about such irrational thought are very helpful for me until I can talk to my therapist.

Good luck!

[delicatefade26]

Thanks Hankster...to be fair to the girl she has no ethical obligation for not telling me-she is just an intern with him and I know her personally (the "perks" of living in a small town) I usually don't talk with her about T-and I had the weirdest feeling to not ask her...but did it anyways...I think I learned my lesson here...and maybe I should tell her I don't want her to tell me things she knows about T...because she has no idea that I deal with this type of jealous/anger....so now I feel in such a weird position because I will be beyond mortified to tell T that I asked her and was upset when she told me-I just don't even want to go there...
Thanks eastcoaster...I have an iphone I can check out the app

[beautiful.mess]

Well, I have no advice, but I will tell you that the same exact thing happened to me a couple of weeks ago. My T had to leave for a personal emergency and well.....long story short, he left me a voicemail that he'd be out for the entire week and he thought he told me that he wouldn't be back til the following Wed (he didn't) and I felt like he left me hanging. I didn't know why he was gone and I didn't know for how long. I didn't know squat. So when I called the office at the the end of the week to find out what in the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks was going on, the receptionist gave me the scoop. It was an innocent slip, but it made me feel AWFUL. I should have heard it from him not her. When he came back I didn't tell him about the slip or that I knew anything, mostly because I was exhausted from thinking about it and I just wasn't in the mood anymore from pure disgust. Is that the healthy thing to do, not talk to him about it? I don't know....probably not. So as I said, I have no advice, but I do know where you're coming from.

[oldkingcole]

Just don't listen to her and wait until he gets back, until then you can probably cope with your anger.

[delicatefade26]

Thanks beautiful.mess...do you think you will ever bring it up with your T? did you/do you feel like you are hiding something from T? did it get in the way of the session? (you don't have to answer these-I guess I'm just trying to picture how I will feel if I don't say anything)...and that's a great question I need to ask myself...is it the healthy thing to do? Also-and if this gets to close and you don't want to say...was your T not upfront or truthful about there being an emergency-or was the issue more that you didn't hear it from him and had to learn it from his receptionist? and thanks for I'm starting to calm down actually...

[beautiful.mess]

Originally Posted by delicatefade26

Thanks beautiful.mess...do you think you will ever bring it up with your T? did you/do you feel like you are hiding something from T? did it get in the way of the session? (you don't have to answer these-I guess I'm just trying to picture how I will feel if I don't say anything)...and that's a great question I need to ask myself...is it the healthy thing to do? Also-and if this gets to close and you don't want to say...was your T not upfront or truthful about there being an emergency-or was the issue more that you didn't hear it from him and had to learn it from his receptionist? and thanks for I'm starting to calm down actually...

Well, I simmered for DAYS after I "found out".....listen to me, I sound like someone who just found out her boyfriend was cheating LMAO....ugh. I do feel OK about it now. I don't feel the need to talk to him about it; at least not now I don't.

Initially, he called me to tell me directly over the phone. But I was in the bathroom getting ready to leave for my session and didn't hear the phone ring. He didn't state the reason in the voicemail for the emergency, just that he had an emergency and had to cancel last minute, he apologized and said he'd be in touch. And that was it. A week went by and I got frantic by that point. So, when I called, the receptionist said the reason he was gone and told me the day of the week he'd be back. I was like, .

I learned that I need to just trust him a little bit and not jump the gun next time an emergency comes up. I will probably need to remind myself that he has a very good reason for having to take off last minute, that it's not personally about me, and that it's not always feasible or even necessary for me to know the details. I will need to trust him that he won't forget about me and will call me back as soon as he can.

I did tell him (jokingly) when I saw him at that next session that since he forgot to say in the message when he'd be back that I was confused as the week went on and that I thought it was his off the wall, out of the box method for terminating me....ha ha, hehe, or that maybe he forgot about me....and when I said that he looked at me like I was wearing a toilet seat on my head; like it was THE MOST ridiculous thing in the world that it could even be possible for him to forget about his clients. But I never told him I called, or what the receptionist said. As I said though, I'm OK about it now (really and truly).

Therapy sure is an eye opening experience, that's for sure.

[delicatefade26]

You are right about that...therapy is the most eye opening experience ever!!!
I guess I will just see how this all plays out this week (if he emails) and the next session...as I write this though I feel really down, frustrated with me and him...I think I need a good cry I don't want to SI over this but I feel it burning within me...I don't want to email him and bug him on his anniversary celebration (I don't even know what I would say)...this day needs to be over for me really soon...maybe it will be better in the morn

[beautiful.mess]

Originally Posted by delicatefade26

You are right about that...therapy is the most eye opening experience ever!!!
I guess I will just see how this all plays out this week (if he emails) and the next session...as I write this though I feel really down, frustrated with me and him...I think I need a good cry I don't want to SI over this but I feel it burning within me...I don't want to email him and bug him on his anniversary celebration (I don't even know what I would say)...this day needs to be over for me really soon...maybe it will be better in the morn

Well yanno, if it feels OK then accept it being OK; likewise, if you're still having a hard time with it all, then try not to deny the fact that it hurts and maybe think about bringing it up with him at your next session. Either way, it's NOT irrational anger - it just is what it is. You feel that way for a reason. I personally, was able to process through it by myself (which is odd because that normally doesn't happen....usually I push the feeling away and deny myself feeling anything to avoid everything, kwim?).

Lots of hugs for you right now; I know it's not easy.

[mixedup_emotions]

As mortifying as it feels, it would be worthwhile for you to bring these feelings into therapy, as it will help lead you to some deeper things. I recently told my T how upset I was about sharing him with other clients and how I feel so insignificant....and then never want to come back.

T told me not to be too critical of myself for those feelings because they are a gateway into something deeper.

We are still working towards figuring all of that out. I still feel totally mortified about sharing those feelings with T...but I know that they are not rational feelings. I get envious of other clients or of his family, etc. at times....and then I realize how much I don't know T...or the things I do know about him that are SO not inviting, LOL...and I realize that my feelings are about something deeper and not necessarily about him, per se.