[OneRedRose]

majorily messed up, cant believe this...in one appointment I destroyed everything, paranoia at full blast, depression at full, feels like walls are enclosing fast :'( I want to rant, but I cant, I cant say it all, I have to remain silent, silent like I always have....

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time... sending safe hugs

perhaps things are not as bad as you think.... it may have been a big mistake but it may not have ruined things forever... we will be here for you if you want to post more later...

[granite1]

sending hugs we are here if you want to post more and even if you dont

[kaliope]

oneredrose

as you say, your paranoia is full steam ahead so maybe it is not as bad as you think. funny how our minds work to make things the worst they possibly can be. but i am right there with you. i believe i have f'd things up so bad with T that he is never going to see me again and every day i just imagine the pic getting worse and worse.

hang in there and hopefully things will not play out as bad as you think they will.

[OneRedRose]

I promised myself that I will always stay guarded in sessions, never reveal too much, today I went back on my word, today I opened up, and today I regretted it, im embarressed, wont be doing that again, and i even told her about this website, so now im defiantly gonna be 100% paranoid that shes reading my posts I cant open up on here now, not properly, its not fair this is my space!, where I feel safe, now I cant feel safe, I have no where to feel safe :'(

OneRedRose, please have confidence and trust in yourself and your therapist. I thought I did the same thing last night w/ mine (even wrote at one point I wanted to end my life because she couldn't call me back), but after some email/text exchanges last night and talking first thing this morning, all is back to normal. Please, please, please trust that all will be OK. If someone had told this to me last night, I probably wouldn't have believed it, but it really was OK this morning. Take extra good care of yourself today and it's not a problem at all if you want to stay silent, please don't criticize yourself for that. Know that you are supported and understood by many people.

[granite1]

i can so understant that yuck feeling after you realize you have said more than you intended.but i am told this is how you heal so i have to try and trust it.is far as telling your T about this site do you think you can talk with her a but further and tell her that you feel this is your space and ask if she could respect your privacy.this would require an amount of trust that she would.

[OneRedRose]

cant I just tell her it was all a big joke or something? I want this to go away, I want to take it all back, she started talking about talking to the doctors and to her collegues on the best course of action, I am panicked, I dont want this, I shouldnt have opened up, she admitted she was just being nosey when she asked what website I was talking about, so hopefully she 1) dont know about this site already and 2) wont look, but im so damn paranoid, ima have to call her tomorrow, see if she adds anymore to our convo

Originally Posted by OneRedRose

cant I just tell her it was all a big joke or something? I want this to go away, I want to take it all back, she started talking about talking to the doctors and to her collegues on the best course of action, I am panicked, I dont want this, I shouldnt have opened up, she admitted she was just being nosey when she asked what website I was talking about, so hopefully she 1) dont know about this site already and 2) wont look, but im so damn paranoid, ima have to call her tomorrow, see if she adds anymore to our convo

OneRedRose

I understand your anxiety and panic. It's scary when we make ourselves vulnerable to T and the session doesn't really go as we planned. But, I wonder if your T really wants to consult with other Doctors and possibly, colleagues to find out how she can be most helpful for you while continuing to provide a safe place for you?

Maybe it's not as bad as you think, these things often aren't. I'm sure your T has your best interests at heart.

I understand what you mean about telling T about this forum, sometimes it occurs to me that my T might see what I write - but then, when I think about it, I'd probably tell her whatever I write on here anyway, I don't think I really have any 'secrets' anymore. That said, Ts are probably too busy to play detective, find us online, and obsessively read all our posts, so I wouldn't worry too much.

Hope you do continue to post, and that everything works out for you

[laceylu]

Originally Posted by OneRedRose

I promised myself that I will always stay guarded in sessions, never reveal too much, today I went back on my word, today I opened up, and today I regretted it, im embarressed, wont be doing that again, and i even told her about this website, so now im defiantly gonna be 100% paranoid that shes reading my posts I cant open up on here now, not properly, its not fair this is my space!, where I feel safe, now I cant feel safe, I have no where to feel safe :'(

Are you a book reader? If so please start reading about therapy. I feel that way after every session and so do many other people. My mantra hiding hurts and sharing helps. My T confronted me about something several months ago and PC was there to see me through. The book In Session by D. Lott was therapy transforming and also the book Other Women. These books are validating about the therapy experience and keeps a client from thinking she is the only one that feels a certain way.The approximate relationship is very intimate and powerful and can seem magical. One reader said you go to session and have to hurry off with your clothes, share and then leave. And someone else is always waiting to do the same thing. The only way a T can help is if you tell them what is going on in your head. Otherwise you spend time on things that are superficial. Did you give her your name on PC? Did you give her permission to read your stuff? If not she is not allowed to snoop. I have PTSD and I have to share the good, bad and very ugly. I share the very ugly about every third session because it makes me have a flashback. Then we have to stop and she helps me get present. Sharing scares the hell out of me but it is really helping. I thought she would send me away if she knew my bad stuff and she did not. I bet your T knows how hard it is for you. T and the therapy room are your safe place. T's try to create a safe place so you can share. call her. ask her for reassurance. PEACE

[laceylu]

Originally Posted by laceylu

Are you a book reader? If so please start reading about therapy. I feel that way after every session and so do many other people. My mantra hiding hurts and sharing helps. My T confronted me about something several months ago and PC was there to see me through. The book In Session by D. Lott was therapy transforming and also the book Other Women. These books are validating about the therapy experience and keeps a client from thinking she is the only one that feels a certain way.The approximate relationship is very intimate and powerful and can seem magical. One reader said you go to session and have to hurry off with your clothes, share and then leave. And someone else is always waiting to do the same thing. The only way a T can help is if you tell them what is going on in your head. Otherwise you spend time on things that are superficial. Did you give her your name on PC? Did you give her permission to read your stuff? If not she is not allowed to snoop. I have PTSD and I have to share the good, bad and very ugly. I share the very ugly about every third session because it makes me have a flashback. Then we have to stop and she helps me get present. Sharing scares the hell out of me but it is really helping. I thought she would send me away if she knew my bad stuff and she did not. I bet your T knows how hard it is for you. T and the therapy room are your safe place. T's try to create a safe place so you can share. call her. ask her for reassurance. PEACE

P.S. My T and my pdoc know about this forum. I told them and they did not seem to be interested. T said ok and pdoc said watch out. I told them that they are not available to help me except once a week for 45 minutes. pdoc even less that that. My emotions do not shut off just because I leave the office.

[OneRedRose]

thanks everyone , I spoke to T today, told her that I want to reverse yesterday, take it all back, she said she was planning on speaking to her supervisor and the doctors prior to the appointment and all I have done is given them a better picture on how to best treat me, shes also made an appointment for me to see doctor on friday and she said she will come for first half of appointment, she also mentioned this site again and got the name wrong, (i foolishly corrected her! DAMN MY HONESTY!) but the fact she got the name wrong says 1) she is not aware of this site, 2) she has not written it down or anything like that, and was indeed just being nosey like she had stated.

I'm really glad to hear this! Whew!!! And it's so, so kind of her to go w/ you on Friday to your appt!
I told my therapist yesterday for the first time about this site - but I didn't say the name, just explained how it worked, etc. She, too, had no idea of existence and didn't ask me the name (about which I was glad bc I think of it as my "consultation" space).

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by laceylu

I told them that they are not available to help me except once a week for 45 minutes. pdoc even less that that. My emotions do not shut off just because I leave the office.

Amen to that.