[skysblue]

See, last session she forgot something really really really important. When I had mentioned something that she and I had discussed a few weeks ago she didn't know what I was talking about. And although she asked, I wouldn't tell her. (yeah, yeah, yeah - power play on my part) I guess I want her to think about it and remember on her own.

So, today I suspect she will not only not remember the important 'thing', but she will also not remember that it even came up last week.

And that is a good thing. You see, I need her to screw up so that I can pull off my emotional distancing from her so that not having sessions for the month of November won't be so painful.

If, by chance and by miracle, she doesn't screw up, I'm screwed.

[Wren_]

Sky, I read your other thread ... I kind of worry about you with the emotional distancing thing; I wonder if instead of making November easier it will end up making October much harder and then November will still be difficult? What would happen if you addressed your emotions instead and got some help with both what she forgot that was important and the other things going on instead of having this time being more a psychology course tutorial?

[elliemay]

OR what if she remembers, and you have a nice connected talk about it leaving you with a wonderful session to ground yourself during her absence?

I know, I know, her being gone for the month is going to hurt, but I hope it works okay.

[eskielover]

Of course, you do know that unless they are taking notes during your session which most don't, they write everything down afterward that they feel is important to your treatment. There could be the fact that she wrote it down & just didn't review her notes before your last session OR, what you thought was important wasn't something she felt was that important to your treatment.

I'm sure that if the point was that very important it's something she will have noted about the session.

As I said in your other post.....these emotions you are messing around with are something that you really need to deal with in therapy in a MATURE way.

[madisgram]

If, by chance and by miracle, she doesn't screw up, I'm screwed.

sky, sometimes discussing something in therapy can be painful. what i've experienced is once i get thru that with my T i come out stronger on the other side. it's awfully scary sometimes tho.
my T once told me, you know, you, meaning me, direct your therapy. it's not up to me. well i almost fell out of the chair. i'd been putzing around in sessions talking anout fluff when there were important issues i needed to talk about with him. i'm glad he grounded me. i was not using my time in a constructive way.
i understand what u're saying and definitely can relate but i'm sharing my experience with you in hopes it may help. hope i'm not missing the boat altogether.

[granite1]

sky i am worried about you also.has this ever worked in the past with your T.i know the pain of not talking things out with your T and holding it in .i think that all you will accomplish is making yourself miserable this month and next because you are holding it all in this month and denying yourself and comfort and help your T may be giving you.and yes next month you will be screwed.it just doesn't work this way.i hope you decide to share how you are feeling with your T.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by eskielover

Of course, you do know that unless they are taking notes during your session which most don't, they write everything down afterward that they feel is important to your treatment. There could be the fact that she wrote it down & just didn't review her notes before your last session OR, what you thought was important wasn't something she felt was that important to your treatment.

I'm sure that if the point was that very important it's something she will have noted about the session.

As I said in your other post.....these emotions you are messing around with are something that you really need to deal with in therapy in a MATURE way.

My T takes lots of notes. And this thing in particular is a critical component to what we've been working on. AND it's been discussed more than once throughout the weeks. I was blown away that she didn't remember it. It's been what we've been striving for.

Uh oh, I've been caught. Mature? I really need to approach this maturely? That means not being hurt that she forgot something so important? hmmm, I guess I'm a long ways from being mature.

[childofyen]

Originally Posted by skysblue

Uh oh, I've been caught. Mature? I really need to approach this maturely? That means not being hurt that she forgot something so important? hmmm, I guess I'm a long ways from being mature.

Nononono... I don't think that maturity is about not being hurt. I think in this case maturity is setting aside the desire for power plays and emotional control and instead practicing honesty about your feelings. Maturity might be telling her how hurt you are about her forgetting and being open about how scared you are about her month off.

I'm worried about you too, Sky. I've seen you play out this sort of scene with your T before and it seems like every time you try to stuff your emotions you cause yourself more pain.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by childofyen

Nononono... I don't think that maturity is about not being hurt. I think in this case maturity is setting aside the desire for power plays and emotional control and instead practicing honesty about your feelings. Maturity might be telling her how hurt you are about her forgetting and being open about how scared you are about her month off.

I'm worried about you too, Sky. I've seen you play out this sort of scene with your T before and it seems like every time you try to stuff your emotions you cause yourself more pain.

I just don't think I can take one more "I'm sorry. I'm human." from her. I want to give her time to remember. I want to see her make the effort. And if/when she remember, THEN I'll tell her how shocked I was that she had forgotten.

Today's session might be very interesting. Now that she believes I have nothing to bring to session and she said she was being finally "allowed" to take the lead, today will show what that looks like. I'm eager to find out what she comes up with.

Thanks for caring, COY. That means a lot to me. And all of you who are putting my feet to the fire. Yeah, courage is not my strong suit.

You see, I need her to screw up so that I can pull off my emotional distancing from her so that not having sessions for the month of November won't be so painful.

If, by chance and by miracle, she doesn't screw up, I'm screwed.

You have some good insight into yourself. You know what you're doing. That's a huge accomplishment right there - you're not fooling yourself. Now the trick is to stop doing it. Keep thinking about it, processing it ... you'll get there - you're halfway there already.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by TheBunnyWithin

You have some good insight into yourself. You know what you're doing. That's a huge accomplishment right there - you're not fooling yourself. Now the trick is to stop doing it. Keep thinking about it, processing it ... you'll get there - you're halfway there already.

What I'm doing is avoiding pain. Why would I want to stop doing that?

[ChristineEsq]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

Sky, I read your other thread ... I kind of worry about you with the emotional distancing thing; I wonder if instead of making November easier it will end up making October much harder and then November will still be difficult? What would happen if you addressed your emotions instead and got some help with both what she forgot that was important and the other things going on instead of having this time being more a psychology course tutorial?

Damn, tigergirl, where were you when I was in therapy? I really could've used that kind of perspective.

I totally respect your candor and self-awareness though, skysblue. It takes a good deal of maturity to even recognize that in yourself.

[unaluna]

What are you, an armadillo? Or that other thing with the spikes? Who do they mate with? Is that how you want to be treated? The old do unto others. Oh yeah, I forgot, you're perfect, you wouldn't forget like she forgot? (I know I wouldn't forget, I'm like you in that, sky) This manipulation is unattractive, that's why you don't want to do it. Plain and simple. My T would say you sound like your mother. I HATE when he does that (which he does WAY too often).

Originally Posted by skysblue

What I'm doing is avoiding pain. Why would I want to stop doing that?

Doesn't avoidance come with its own significant cost?

At least it does for me. To constantly defend myself is exhausting. And the real kick in the pants for me is that avoidance makes me loose time and connection-- not in the DID sense, but in the way that makes it super hard to be mindful in my daily life. And when I can't be mindful, I can't really connect in a meaningful way to other people.

Anne

You are being pretty manipulative about this. You really need to just be honest with her, remind her of whatever it is that she is apparently not remembering and MOVE FORWARD with the real work of therapy. This is just spinning your wheels and getting you nowhere.

As far as the emotional distancing goes, it is bound for failure. We deal with our emotions by being honest about them and using good coping skills when we need to. Avoidance will get you nowhere.

Hmm. "Getting you nowhere" seems to be a theme that perhaps you need to consider. Is that really what you want? To stagnate in your progress? Doesn't sound like a good plan.

[skysblue]

Okay - so you all agree that I'm avoiding. I agree also. Does avoidance come with a cost? Sure - you aren't authentic and real and have to keep defenses up to keep the pain at bay.

The alternative, I guess, is to just throw myself into the pain and buck up.

Oh, hankster - sure I forget stuff. But,man, this was super important and to have it forgotten is like the worst abandonment. What am I supposed to do - just think, 'oh, well, abandoned again. So what? same-old; same-old, just get used to it. It's the norm for your life. Accept it. What else can you expect? No one ever cares anyway." Or dive into the self pity party and cry my eyes out? Or maybe, the armadillo way is best. Be tough, be strong, don't let your guard down or f**k it, you're gonna get slammed big time.

Originally Posted by hankster

What are you, an armadillo? Or that other thing with the spikes? Who do they mate with?

Porcupine? Stegosaurus? Echidna? Hedgehog? Moloch Horridus? Okay, I had to look that last one up: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thorny_Devil

They mate with the opposite sex of their own kind, dude. Or were you possibly making a point by metaphor, about how the defensive spikes we all put out, to greater or lesser degree, keep us away from other people?

Anne

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

You are being pretty manipulative about this. You really need to just be honest with her, remind her of whatever it is that she is apparently not remembering and MOVE FORWARD with the real work of therapy. This is just spinning your wheels and getting you nowhere.

As far as the emotional distancing goes, it is bound for failure. We deal with our emotions by being honest about them and using good coping skills when we need to. Avoidance will get you nowhere.

Hmm. "Getting you nowhere" seems to be a theme that perhaps you need to consider. Is that really what you want? To stagnate in your progress? Doesn't sound like a good plan.

Manipulative? Yeah, I guess you're right. I want to manipulate so that it doesn't hurt. Is that so bad?

And the avoidance is only until December. Then I'll get down and dirty.

[unaluna]

And if you had just given her a clue, she would have remembered, and THEN what? You would have to let go of the dark side and cross into the light. Rupture, repair - that is the new way, not just staying forever in the hurt. You're not ENJOYING your T enough. And there is no December. There is only now.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by ChristineEsq

Damn, tigergirl, where were you when I was in therapy? I really could've used that kind of perspective.

.

Tigergirl is good, isn't she? She's had my back more than once.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by hankster

And if you had just given her a clue, she would have remembered, and THEN what? You would have to let go of the dark side and cross into the light. Rupture, repair - that is the new way, not just staying forever in the hurt. You're not ENJOYING your T enough. And there is no December. There is only now.

Man, what are you? Zen or something?

If she had remembered, there would be no rupture right now.

We've had our ruptures in the past but repair hasn't really happened yet. T hasn't followed up on those old ruptures and I can't bear to bring them up again. And to have another one brought out into the open just be be shuffled off to the side again? Nah.

I enjoy my T a lot - as long as we don't examine her relationship with me and mine with hers. She's great with helping resolve RL stuff.

[DelusionsDaily]

Skysblue, It's really tough to face our emotions and vulerabilities especially when we have been hurt in whatever way in the past. The problem with avoiding/pushing away/denying our emotions and vulnerabilities is it comes back to bite us down the road and most of the time I have to believe the bite after avoiding/pushing away/denying is worse than if we had just stepped up to the plate owned how we felt and our vulerabilities. Its not easy or comfortable but I am learning that theres alot of growth in acknowledging, accepting and processing our emotions and vulnerabilities. Just my 2 cents take it or leave it...

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by MELISSSAD81

Skysblue, It's really tough to face our emotions and vulerabilities especially when we have been hurt in whatever way in the past. The problem with avoiding/pushing away/denying our emotions and vulnerabilities is it comes back to bite us down the road and most of the time I have to believe the bite after avoiding/pushing away/denying is worse than if we had just stepped up to the plate owned how we felt and our vulerabilities. Its not easy or comfortable but I am learning that theres alot of growth in acknowledging, accepting and processing our emotions and vulnerabilities. Just my 2 cents take it or leave it...

Melissa - I can accept that intellectually. I would even advise it when asked. He*l, I could give lectures on it and be totally convincing. But, how to walk into the fire is something I may not have the courage to do myself. idk

Thanks for your 2 cents. I very much appreciate it.

[childofyen]

Originally Posted by skysblue

Tigergirl is good, isn't she? She's had my back more than once.

Tigergirl IS good!

So Sky, when is your appointment? I wanna ride in your pocket.

[DelusionsDaily]

I understand...you will get there in your time. You will learn lessons whatever you choose to do...if we choose we always learn from what we have done and we can choose to do it differently or the same the next time. Best of luck at your session today.