Today was so busy. Took the kids on a field trip. That is always a big ordeal!! I didn't think I was that stressed until I totally lost it this afternoon. As usual the kids were fighting over who would stand where in line. The constant, "He broke in line!" is ever present every single day!

As we were lining up to go home, this happened again. Pushing, shoving, etc.........I turned to boy who was determined to push the other child out of line, and said, 'WHY DON'T YOU KILL HIM!!!"

OMG!! I can't believe I said that! I hope no one reports that. I may be in some trouble with my principal! Maybe he will forget, and so will all the other kids that heard it. I think I scared the crap out of them!!

Yes, I think I need some serious therapy right now. What is wrong with me that I would lose control of my words like that?

[nicoleb2]

I called my T today and left a message because I am really not doing well. I missed her call back

I ended up going out for dinner with my family and a freind's family, and then to a restorative yoga thing that my friend was teaching.

It at least kept my mind occupied for a while, till I almost had a panic attack at yoga.

I wish I could call my T now, but it's too late. I don't have another appointment with her until monday. I really need to talk to her before then

In about an hour, I will be leaving for my trip out of town. This is the first time I have done something like this in 10 years! I am not used to leaving my husband's care to someone else. My daughter has graciously stepped up to say that she will take care of him. She is only 18 and still in high school. Yes, she pretty much knows the routine, but its a lot to put on her.

I will be traveling with 3 other ladies. Its a 6 hour trip, but more than likely will be 10 hours with all the stops they are planning. One of them is to go to a huge mall and shop. Talk about a major trigger! Crowds and Squiggle do not mix well together.

This is a huge step for me. A giant leap of faith and courage. I will miss chatting with all of you, but I will be back to give a full report on Saturday.

(((((((amaj910)))))) <- here's a hug

I have e-mailed my T quite a few times in the past few days. What struck me last night is how safe I feel knowing he's "out there". I know where his house is, and when I e-mail, I can kind of picture a thread connecting my house to his. I've e-mailed a bit about what's going on with triggers, etc...but also just "I'm here, I'm going to try to sleep" too.

Last night I was thinking "this makes me feel safer" and all of a sudden I had this picture in my head of T opening an e-mail from me, rolling his eyes, and sighing. That used to be a big fear of mine...that T was somewhere rolling his eyes about me...and I asked about it a lot. I was able to push the fear away and just let myself feel safe.

Today and tomorrow I am going non-stop from morning until bedtime, literally. And then Friday morning at 8:30 I see T. Of course, by then, I'll probably have all of this triggery stuff pushed way far away from me. Therapy! Sheesh.

[Nelliecat]

T tomorrow for second time this week. Am not feeling so good today. Very tired from lack of sleep for months and just feeling bit tearful and useless.

We had a student commit suicide last night. Many skaken teachers and students around here today. I'm one of them. I'll probably call my T later to touch base. I need him to be my rock today.

Pdoc added a new med yesterday. Not thrilled to add a med, but it's needed at this point.

[OneRedRose]

woke up this morning, so empty, I called T when 9am came and she called back, we spoke for abit, she then called again later to see if I was feeling better, shes made appointment for me to see doctor on friday, shes gonna be their too.

[PleaseHelp]

(((Farmergirl))) that is awful.

Trying to decide if I should call my T and talk to her about my doc appointment for my knee that I had. I don't have to have surgery, but they said there is nothing they can do and it'll keep dislocating. Really bummed out about it.

Ha, well, T forgot me! My poor fragile ego... Anyway, it was okay, because she came back from wherever she was and we had our session. She helped me with some paperwork I wasn't sure how to fill out/was putting off, and we had a good chat. I think I was more 'myself' today than in a long time. My cynical self, it's true, but she was bound to meet me one day. I'm guessing we won't be doing any more 'Emotional Freedom Technique' after what I said today...

We didn't really address the homework I did, so I don't know what she'd intended with that, but I think I got something out of the exercise in any case.

She wanted to know if I'm getting anything out of therapy, and I told her of course I do... but does it hold all of the answers for me? I don't know. I hope she still believes she can help me. I don't know what her usual clients are like - what their problems are. I wonder if I'm unusual to her. I guess a lot about today set me thinking, it wasn't like our usual dynamic at all. Maybe in a good way? I don't know.

[FourRedheads]

((Farmergirl)) I am sorry.

Just heard from child protective services, which always sends me into a tailspin. The childrens' dad (my ex-husband) is getting scary(er). This happens every year as winter approaches. I don't know if it's wise to say more on a public forum but I am afraid. I'm doing everything I can to keep my children safe. This feels like it's all my fault. I know it can't be all my fault but the emotional side of me screams blame and guilt. I miss T. I want a hug. I want someone to tell me that it's all going to be okay.

[PleaseHelp]

I'm proud of myself. The little things started to add up last night. I started to get pissy/angry and it started to really build. I could feel myself starting to lose grip of keeping it under control. (in the past when I get angry and lose my grip, I do some pretty stupid stuff that I later regret) This time I went downstairs and asked my SO to come talk to me (his bro was here, which made it even harder for me to reach out to my SO). We did talk and I think I did a good job of not screaming and being irate. SO tried to calm me down, then said something and that just pissed me off more and I stormed off back upstairs (didn't slam the basement door. Would've in past). Again, I tried to calm myself down. When that didn't work and I was shaking, feeling like I wanted to break things, and knowing that I was about to lose control. I asked my SO to come upstairs. He came up and worked on reassuring me that it would be OK, my emotions would pass. When I told him just out of control I was feeling, he told me it was time to take a Klonopin (I don't like taking them. I do have one as a PRN. Honestly, I sometimes forget I have them as a back up). Any way, I took it and was able to calm down, after his bro left he sat with me until I was ready for bed (even though he had a ton of homework to do). I probably could've handled it better, but I handled it a lot better than I have in the past. OK I'm rambling.

[beauflow]

A new one started i earlier tried to post on the older one on phone got told closed i'm glad i found this one thou.
Trying hard to keep it together- last week was chaotic in my head & starting issues at work & really upset i got kitten alone. This week i tried to do better but last night @ work didn't get **** again & went off with notes. I was able to delete some that i calmed down about but i heard rumor of furlo again- actually called my supervisor & That's true but they're trying to work it out. I'm trying to keep it together. I feel like drinking i really do but been spendin time with my pets i felt like smashing windows at work when hearing 4 weeks off but That's not the case atleast right now. Will try to find seasonal job i will try. And just try what i can.

[OneRedRose]

skipped college again, couldnt be dealing with triple maths, been thinking about a previous T, the one I chucked at table at, my current T asked me about that in our first session, I explained and I think she agreed while my actions were not appropriate, my anger over the situation was completely understandable, but I have been thinking about it, I wonder what that T had wrote?? my T knew about it so it was in the file so she wrote something, I wonder if she admitted what she had done to me? or did she lie? cover her tracks, I know she said that I never returned, because T also said that, told her my friends chased after me and tried to convince me to return but I wasnt having it.

I wonder if T will let me read that entry?? am I allowed?

was funny though, all my friends came to my session, we completely filled the waiting room, the receptionist looked VERY uncomfortable.

[roadtrip]

Can't reach the part of myself that should be here and that I need to do my tasks this week. I remember me/her but can't access me/her. Sounds dumb. I'm tired and it's like the parts of me I need are over there somewhere. Tired of bothering T but can't snap out of it.

[kaliope]

PleaseHelp...sounds like you really worked hard to positively manage your emotions. good job!

(((fourredheads)))

T still hasnt called me back since our bad connection but i feel better that he did call even though we didnt get to talk. he started off by saying "this is your anxiety call" so this tells me he hasnt abandoned me when it comes to dealing with my anxiety which my irrational mind was telling me he had did.

grandbaby's bilirubin count is still rising, but slower. took him in today and have to bring him in again tomorrow but as long as it is still this slow they will let him stay at home. he is putting on weight really good and eating well. he is so cute. decided to stay another week. will go home next friday.

hope everybody is doing well. hugs to all.

Time seems to be going really slowly. I feel like 'It's only Thursday?' But I don't know why it even matters, I have no life, nothing to look forward to anyway. I guess only Wednesdays feel important, because I'm going to T to try and work on my problems. All the days in between are slow and uneventful. Paradoxically I actually feel like this year has gone really fast, that I've wasted it being this way. I'm impatient to DO something, for things to change... but my mind and body isn't ready, locked in this depression, so I just want this time to be over, to sleep it all away until one day I can wake up and say 'hey! I feel great! Let's do this thing called life, figure something out!' I just feel so powerless right now.

Ramble ramble ramble...

[cin1]

So are we allowed to express how we are each day?

[nicoleb2]

I wanted to call my T today. To tell her how awful I am feeling, but I didn't. I wish I had though

[roadtrip]

Finally snapped out of it. Woke up this morning feeling a lot better. Felt like the part of me that is familiar and I like is FINALLY back. For the past few weeks I've been kind of out of it, gone but thank goodness this morning I seemed to wake up. I really needed me this week and finally I feel back, if that makes any sense. Want to and need to hold onto this so will try not to read PC for the next few days and detach from all this T stuff. What a pleasure it is to be back. Sound wierd writing and reading but thats how it feels like a part of me went on vacation for a few weeks and is awake now. dumb I know

[OneRedRose]

so had my appointment with T and doc today, I couldnt talk, doc asked me what I wanted to talk about and I kinda zoned out, and looked to T to help me, luckily she read the look I gave her and started talking for me, was given some new meds, im pretty sure they are trying to say that im suffering from some form of schizophrenia but they havent said it out loud, just the way they talk about what ive said, but doc was friendly, shook hands as I entered room and shook hands as I left, T was odd, very quiet, told her im sorry if shes bored and she said she wasnt she just likes to listen, I had abit of a moment during the session and had to ask the doctor to basically repeat everything he said. said to T near the end "thank you for coming along" and she just went "Its ok I do it for everyone" or something along those lines....but it felt kinda snappy?? I dunno if I done something wrong?

anyways, I started walking to college, decided I really should go in, and I had to do a maths test anyways so just made sense to go in for last lesson, but I called my friend to keep me company, told her I was put on antipyschotics, expecting her to agree that im not ill and they are being silly, and she done the complete opposite, she was very happy! :S I was so confused...I didnt understand why she was so happy that "you're finally getting the help you need" was her exact words, I then sat and listened to her accounts of my behaviour...I dont remember any of it....it sounded weird...I mean i remember the situation just not the freezing, panics, and flip outs she was going on about...said that my presence always made her and her mum very anxious...I felt so bad... I didnt realise...I didnt know...

[beauflow]

I'm trying to keep it together. I feel like doing bad things to myself. No one ****ing cares. I feel lied to and just something that sticks around and takes **** from others. I'm so sick of me and everything right now. And it really ****ing sucks that the person i list as my crises person to talk to is part of the reason why i feel so bad. I'll be ok- usually am but can't stop crying. Think i'll just go continue to rock myself on the floor

[kaliope]

Doing ok. going to spend another week at my daughter's. Booked the ticket home last night. Pricewise it was either leave on tuesday or friday and she chose friday. But there isnt much to do here. I just keep cleaning up the living room and kitchen. They go to bed at eight so I am pretty much on my own. The baby is so cute, but I have so much fear of him stopping breathing. I keep checking to make sure he is still alive. It is freaking me out. He is so tiny and fragile. Otherwise I just worry that T is still going to see me when I get back. So does this really count as a vacation? Weeks of worry more like it.

I wish everybody well. Peace to all who are struggling.

[FourRedheads]

Yesterday made the decision to go on an antidepressant. Have been on them before, with good results, but was hoping this time I wouldn't need them. Feel like I have failed, somehow. Will get the prescription late next week.

[SoupDragon]

I had been feeling so much better the last week, really energised, focused at work, able to engage with T better at my session. Today the anxiety had returned, I am feeling tired and everything is an effort again. I get encouraged by the clearing of the fog and then so so disappointed when it returns again, like I lose hope that I will ever be free of it

*** possible trigger***

Feeling pretty blue. I feel like I'm struggling against spiralling down. I'm trying to do the things I'm supposed to -- taking my meds, exercising, making effort to get out of the house if only to go to the shop, trying to be around people and not isolate myself so much, listening to the audio tracks my therapist gave me... but none of it seems to be enough. So, I've started resorting to my old coping mechanisms: self injury and food. I'm cutting again, and I just ate then purged a whole packet of cookies. Way to go, D, way to go.