[learning1]

My t told me a few more activities where he's accomplished things recently. Former jobs where he was successful, athletic accomplishments, etc. I feel like a jerk for thinking this, but it is making me think it's even less likely he would never be able to really see me as an equal person. Logically I know he must be able to do that with a lot of people or he wouldn't be a good t. But I don't know how. I also think it's going to be harder to feel comfortable trusting him to understand my point of view. Has anyone else had this difficulty with their t?

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by learning1

My t told me a few more activities where he's accomplished things recently. Former jobs where he was successful, athletic accomplishments, etc. I feel like a jerk for thinking this, but it is making me think it's even less likely he would never be able to really see me as an equal person. Logically I know he must be able to do that with a lot of people or he wouldn't be a good t. But I don't know how. I also think it's going to be harder to feel comfortable trusting him to understand my point of view. Has anyone else had this difficulty with their t?

LolaCabanna has been trying to tell me that knowedge about T is not always a good thing. I guess this is an example of that.

[Person66]

Yes my T who's a psychiatrist, is a very accomplished woman, who frequently tells me of her accomplishments. However she does not do this in a boastful way, rather she compares these accomplishments to goals I have, stating for example that is she could do this than so can I. For example she compares her training to run the NYC marathon, to my studying to take a certain test that's vital to my career.

[sjkero]

Originally Posted by learning1

My t told me a few more activities where he's accomplished things recently. Former jobs where he was successful, athletic accomplishments, etc. I feel like a jerk for thinking this, but it is making me think it's even less likely he would never be able to really see me as an equal person. Logically I know he must be able to do that with a lot of people or he wouldn't be a good t. But I don't know how. I also think it's going to be harder to feel comfortable trusting him to understand my point of view. Has anyone else had this difficulty with their t?

i can relate to this in a way. my t is very, very accomplished (she graduated first in her class in her doctoral program, and graduated with high honors in her graduate program and undergraduate program), and is involved in so many things at this moment in her life (private practice, teaching at a college, getting journal articles published, church commitments, raising young kids)... and she seems to be so successful and happy in all areas. it does make me wonder if she can relate to me. it also intimidates me a bit, thinking that - like you said - we're not on the same level. but, most of all, it makes me worry that she doesn't care about me as much as she claims to, because there is no way she can have a strong emotional attachment to so many areas in her life, right? i'm just a tiny, tiny part. and i also worry she'll quit her private practice and focus on everything else instead. i have weird and exhausting thought processes sometimes, not gonna lie, lol.

[unaluna]

Hmm, I have NEVER thought of any of my T's as being superior to me, or more accomplished. Who do they answer to??? Pretty much no one! As the saying goes, doctors bury their mistakes. I had to answer to a computer every day of my working life, constantly checking me, checking me, checking me. And insane bosses. T's have crazy people coming in to talk to them - it's unpleasant, but really, how hard is it??? Boy, SOMEBODY is grumpy tonite! me, me, me! So - advantage of BPD or narcissistic PD or being manic - always thinking you're better than everybody else! Well, plus, T says he works out, 2 hours, 4 times a week - so I understand he WORKS for his hard body, and I have seen him change. so... a lesson for me there. I USED to work for stuff, but my parents wouldn't let me have my results. so I gave up. i'm (re)learning what it's like to keep what you earn. is that an issue for you, do you think?

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by hankster

Hmm, I have NEVER thought of any of my T's as being superior to me, or more accomplished. Who do they answer to??? Pretty much no one

I do not think of them as superior either. And they answer to the client, whether they like it or not

[learning1]

Originally Posted by sjkero

i can relate to this in a way. my t is very, very accomplished (she graduated first in her class in her doctoral program, and graduated with high honors in her graduate program and undergraduate program), and is involved in so many things at this moment in her life (private practice, teaching at a college, getting journal articles published, church commitments, raising young kids)... and she seems to be so successful and happy in all areas. it does make me wonder if she can relate to me. it also intimidates me a bit, thinking that - like you said - we're not on the same level. but, most of all, it makes me worry that she doesn't care about me as much as she claims to, because there is no way she can have a strong emotional attachment to so many areas in her life, right? i'm just a tiny, tiny part. and i also worry she'll quit her private practice and focus on everything else instead. i have weird and exhausting thought processes sometimes, not gonna lie, lol.

sounds very similar to me. I'm trying to think that t must have problems and he just doesn't tell me about them, but he seems over the top accomplished in all kinds of ridiculous things.

Originally Posted by hankster

Hmm, I have NEVER thought of any of my T's as being superior to me, or more accomplished. Who do they answer to??? Pretty much no one! As the saying goes, doctors bury their mistakes. I had to answer to a computer every day of my working life, constantly checking me, checking me, checking me. And insane bosses. T's have crazy people coming in to talk to them - it's unpleasant, but really, how hard is it??? Boy, SOMEBODY is grumpy tonite! me, me, me! So - advantage of BPD or narcissistic PD or being manic - always thinking you're better than everybody else! Well, plus, T says he works out, 2 hours, 4 times a week - so I understand he WORKS for his hard body, and I have seen him change. so... a lesson for me there. I USED to work for stuff, but my parents wouldn't let me have my results. so I gave up. i'm (re)learning what it's like to keep what you earn. is that an issue for you, do you think?

I can't quite follow your question, as usual, but I like what you said about t's not having bosses and how hard can it be? I think it's pretty amazing beyond belief to be able to do therapy, really, but it's true they don't have some of the pressures most working people handle. They have to run their own business though. I always thought that would be a horrible, overwhelming burden to have to do that.

[athena2011]

Originally Posted by learning1

My t told me a few more activities where he's accomplished things recently. Former jobs where he was successful, athletic accomplishments, etc. I feel like a jerk for thinking this, but it is making me think it's even less likely he would never be able to really see me as an equal person. Logically I know he must be able to do that with a lot of people or he wouldn't be a good t. But I don't know how. I also think it's going to be harder to feel comfortable trusting him to understand my point of view. Has anyone else had this difficulty with their t?

Yes, a definite problem for me. I need him to be on equal footing. Below - no good, above - no good. When I feel he's below me, i give him a chance to show what he's accomplished. When I feel he's above, I try to get him to tell me things he feels disappointed in, failures. Yikes the first time i tried this - he said "not being able to find a way to work together in an alliance with you". NOT quite what i was working for, but at least it showed he was concerned and working on making it happen. Sometimes when he's way above in a perfect way, and seems to accept me up there too, then we really click.

[learning1]

Originally Posted by athena2011

Yes, a definite problem for me. I need him to be on equal footing. Below - no good, above - no good. When I feel he's below me, i give him a chance to show what he's accomplished. When I feel he's above, I try to get him to tell me things he feels disappointed in, failures. Yikes the first time i tried this - he said "not being able to find a way to work together in an alliance with you". NOT quite what i was working for, but at least it showed he was concerned and working on making it happen. Sometimes when he's way above in a perfect way, and seems to accept me up there too, then we really click.

So how do you get him to tell you things he's disappointed in? It seems like it would be mean and/or the response would be fake if I tell him (or anyone) I feel inadequate compared to them and could they please tell me why they're not so great. Maybe you have some good way of putting it?

[athena2011]

Originally Posted by learning1

So how do you get him to tell you things he's disappointed in? It seems like it would be mean and/or the response would be fake if I tell him (or anyone) I feel inadequate compared to them and could they please tell me why they're not so great. Maybe you have some good way of putting it?

I say "I need to feel you are human, have vulnerablities, just like I do. Then it won't feel so cold and clinical to me in here." Then "Would you care to enlighten me?" If there good, they'll find relevant ones that fit the bill without being fake.

[learning1]

Originally Posted by athena2011

I say "I need to feel you are human, have vulnerablities, just like I do. Then it won't feel so cold and clinical to me in here." Then "Would you care to enlighten me?" If there good, they'll find relevant ones that fit the bill without being fake.

I totally can't imagine saying that, but nice to know someone says it.

[CantExplain]

I couldn't do T's job, but she couldn't do mine.

Anyway, I have a powerful and persistent feeling of entitlement and superiority. T is no more than I deserve.

[bluemountains]

My t shares accomplishments and she also share obstacles she faced or faces. I think it is to allow me to see her as human.
Bluemountains

[anilam]

Originally Posted by athena2011

...failures. Yikes the first time i tried this - he said "not being able to find a way to work together in an alliance with you". NOT quite what i was working for, but at least it showed he was concerned and working on making it happen...

Gotta love how Ts can make everything about us. Thats how Ive learned not to ask my T what are you thinking about.

[anilam]

My T never shares his accomplishments. I have to ask him what he is doing. But still he presents it as a normal thing- like breathing. Says that nothing in this world can make you feel accomplished if you are not happy with who you are. (works the other way round too:-)
BTW I wouldn't go to a T who feels he didn't accomplished enough, cause I think that being satisfied with yourself is what I lack and can learn from my T.

[anilam]

Originally Posted by hankster

Hmm, I have NEVER thought of any of my T's as being superior to me, or more accomplished. Who do they answer to??? Pretty much no one! As the saying goes, doctors bury their mistakes. I had to answer to a computer every day of my working life, constantly checking me, checking me, checking me. And insane bosses. T's have crazy people coming in to talk to them - it's unpleasant, but really, how hard is it??? Boy, SOMEBODY is grumpy tonite! me, me, me! So - advantage of BPD or narcissistic PD or being manic - always thinking you're better than everybody else! Well, plus, T says he works out, 2 hours, 4 times a week - so I understand he WORKS for his hard body, and I have seen him change. so... a lesson for me there. I USED to work for stuff, but my parents wouldn't let me have my results. so I gave up. i'm (re)learning what it's like to keep what you earn. is that an issue for you, do you think?

I don't know- suicidal client compared to an insane boss? Would pick the boss every time...

My T is very accomplished but she is so darned humble that youd never know it.

[mixedup_emotions]

My T is very accomplished.....opened his own wellness center at a young age, has a doctorate, has several published books, has a beautiful wife and beautiful children - and a beautiful, expensive home.

So, when I'm down and out, I do sometimes feel embarrassed to even talk to T, because of how insignificant I feel compared to him.

Yet, he tells me how high he holds me in regard, how much he admires and respects that I've survived and prevailed through such difficult life experiences. I try to trust and lean on that at times....

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by learning1

I totally can't imagine saying that, but nice to know someone says it.

No offense to Athena, but... REALLY? All of a sudden I'm glad I spent my work life surrounded by illiterate computer programmers! I mighta gotten violent with anyone talking to me like that on a regular basis. Oh dear, I never realized I was such a thug at heart! Anyway, my T told me ages ago he isn't "handy", like to put bookshelves together, which I am a whiz at. "Is there anything you're NOT good at, Superman?" I think puts the point across - in thug-talk! It's these old TV shows! Revelation!

Originally Posted by hankster

No offense to Athena, but... REALLY? All of a sudden I'm glad I spent my work life surrounded by illiterate computer programmers! I mighta gotten violent with anyone talking to me like that on a regular basis. Oh dear, I never realized I was such a thug at heart! Anyway, my T told me ages ago he isn't "handy", like to put bookshelves together, which I am a whiz at. "Is there anything you're NOT good at, Superman?" I think puts the point across - in thug-talk! It's these old TV shows! Revelation!

Dang it, hankster, the more you post, the more I think we have the same T! laughing - not seriously. I'm sure my T is hotter than yours. My T says the same thing about not being handy - says it's a running joke in his family about how many things he doesn't know how to do.

[elliemay]

My therapist comes from a legacy of MDs of some stature in their fields. One of them has a building name after them at a university. Yeah, so, well. His background is soooooo different than mine. Although now, education wise, we are pretty much on equal footing.

It matters, but not that much in reality I think. What I think means the most is how they are in that room with you. Are they condescending to you? Do they tell you these things in order to inspire you or build themselves up?

OR are they kind and attentive and smart? Do they use that success to help you?

I hold my therapist in pretty high regard because of his obvious training, experience, and yes, even his background prepared him to be one of the best in his fields as well.

I mean, would you really want your therapist to be a loser/slacker with no interest in his/her profession at all? Not me.

My T is very accomplished and fulfilled, many hobbies and he's one who sets a goal and then goes out and does it. However, I guess I know him enough on the personal side that I know where he has struggled and dealt with many issues. So, I'm not intimidated by his accomplishments. I just tell myself he would drive me completely crazy if I was married to him (might be why he's divorced). And I remind myself that he's had his own struggles in life so on some level he "gets" struggle.

Yes, I am feeling like this about my T at the moment. Making comparisons about how she excels in her work and how hard she works and how much she achieves. I don't come out well in this comparison! It's got to the point where I am actively avoiding hearing about her work, whereas there are times when I'm quite interested and it's quite helpful.

T says the comparisons aren't helpful because we're at different stages in our careers, but that doesn't help me because I play the 'when T was my age...' game. I come out even worse from that

I have also felt overwhelmingly resentful of 'T's perfect life' (rather than 'perfect T') at other times. I asked her to please tell me one thing that was wrong with her life. I said it had to be a BIG thing! She said she wished she hadn't bought this particular house as it caused nothing but problems. (My reaction was to think 'at least you could bloody buy a house! And in such a sought-after area!'. But I kept quiet, because it seemed a bit self-defeating to ask T to tell me one of her problems and then tell her that wasn't even a real problem).

[athena2011]

Originally Posted by hankster

No offense to Athena, but... REALLY? All of a sudden I'm glad I spent my work life surrounded by illiterate computer programmers! I mighta gotten violent with anyone talking to me like that on a regular basis. Oh dear, I never realized I was such a thug at heart! Anyway, my T told me ages ago he isn't "handy", like to put bookshelves together, which I am a whiz at. "Is there anything you're NOT good at, Superman?" I think puts the point across - in thug-talk! It's these old TV shows! Revelation!

Talking like what Hankster? The way I talk to my T? Why? - just curious.

[Unrigged64072835]

My T hasn't told me about himself, but I read his university bio online. He's done some pretty nifty stuff during his long-established career. It's strangely comforting because he's heard worse things from other people than what I'm talking about in T.