[pachyderm]

(((((karebear1)))))

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by karebear1

I am totally wired today. I haven't slept in almost 48 hours! I think maybe I took too much of one medication. That's a first.... and I'm not enjoying it much.

My sister passed away at the end of August and I keep seeing her laying there in that casket. It just keeps going around and around in my head.

No more of that new medication for me.

so so so so sorry

[kaliope]

beauflow- enjoyed your link. thanks for posting it. i think i will print it at work to hand out to people. it felt good because i found i was doing a lot of the things on the list already as i have simplified my life as much as i possibly could to relieve myself of anxiety and it really works.

so i saw T today and left feeling disappointed. i was so scared going in because i was revealing to him my secret imaginary world that held so much shame for me. i had typed it up because i felt i could not talk about it. and it was really hard to give it to him. i disconnected because i was so embarrassed so i dont remember much of what he had to say but we only spent about 20 minutes talking about it. but he kept asking me what I thought it meant. thats why i brought it to him! i wanted to know what it meant! so here i had the biggest secret of my life, i am finally trusting him enough after two and a half years to reveal and i feel totally dismissed. He said he looks for themes in stuff like that. Well I wrote it up in themes. I spelt that out for him. Uuuggghhh!

Otherwise, things are going well. Only one more day of work and then four days off. Volunteered to man the Toys 4 Tots collection table at WalMart Saturday and Sunday so I didnt spend the whole holiday weekend isolated in my apartment.

If you need a hug, take one. there are plenty to go around.

[eclogite]

Originally Posted by SarahMichelle

i cant handle anymore. past my breaking point. i need my T to come home

I hope she gets home soon.

[PleaseHelp]

I was disappointed with my T appointment today. My T was late b/c of a meeting that ran over and then said she needed to cut my appointment short b/c of parent-teacher conferences. I really needed to talk to her about whats going on. I'm trying to hold it together but feel like I'm going to lose it. She did say she would be able to work me into next week. I felt so rushed to talked to her about everything and then she was basically shoving me out the door so she could get to parent teacher conferences. I understand about being there. But I had called her yesterday telling her what was going on and I really needed this session. It felt like she blew me off when I told her about my dissociation episodes. I don't even know what to say. I'm upset and frustrated.

I'm going to stop now.

[beauflow]

I am so sick of being treated like a door mat at work-

I am so frustrated and I want to ****ing tare out something.

See there is going to be a person in over the weekend, but yet they can't do the job even though they have been doing this job for more years than I, and they can't help out... Why the F are they in then?? IDK just really annoying, and I get told- Beauflow you do this, you do this, and this cuz I know you will...

had a ****** meeting that was told "If you do more and prove you deserve a raise you will get one" Then Not 5 minutes after "Beauflow you have done so much over the years"
B*1*t*c*h- I am sorry but you know all the crap I have done over the years, you have fed me this line of if you work hard it will pay off- F*u*c*k No it wont due to this is a CORPORATION and WE ARE CONTRACTORS--- don't feed me bs any more, it pisses me off- you see it in my eyes, my way of my facial reactions and by me shaking-_ I dont know if I can get over this especially with you having me doing the janitor work when I come back from break- Which yes we will be tlaking about due to it is not my job- it does not get me a riase and you are just using me!

[Nelliecat]

Just been to doctor's, have been feeling rough in addition to usual stuff and have an infection so onto antibiotics for me. Could sleep and sleep and ZZzzzzzzzz...................

[kaliope]

Made a coworkers night after work today. She came into my office at five and we were just BSing. She got a phone call and walked out and was wandering the hall and then I realized that I had forgotten to tell her that I had cancelled class tonight. She is responsible for staying late with me when I teach. She was thrilled. I was happy I could make her so happy.

Came home, cut up the ingredients for a salad I will take to a friends for turkey day tomorrow and now I am settled for the night. Looking forward to four days off. My schedule is getting very busy at work with some complicated cases and I am feeling a bit overwhelmed when I look at it. Im used to lots of breaks in my day and its just back to back appointments.

To everybody in the US, Happy Turkey day tomorrow. Everybody else, just have a great day.

[OneRedRose]

I dont like new T, old T has broken my trust, who can I tell that im losing my grip?? im slipping...no one cares, stuff it back down, where it belongs, bye bye pain.... I miss my old T before she broke my trust.

[kaliope]

so i have received two texts so far today from brothers wishing me happy thanksgiving . this contact from family of origin, even though i dont mind my brothers so much, have made me very anxious.

i am going to a friends house for thanksgiving with her family. it is over an hours drive and she is a fairly intense person. i dont like the fact i am already anxious. i guess i will treat myself to a klonopin. i shouldnt be on gaurd for the holidays.

Have been dealing with some anxiety today. Feeling nauseous and drained. Got contacted today about going for a medical assessment, so I'm a bit worried about that. Just feeling quite blue in general. Ah well, T tomorrow, and I've sorted out my playlist for the drive

Hope those in America are having a good Thanksgiving, and everyone else a happy Thursday!

[beauflow]

My head hurts. I tried my best to keep my chaotic thoughts to myself at the boyfriend's parents, tried best to have fun thou that was hard. The car ride home wasn't too bad but i tried my best. Any ways i'm thankful that i went i tried to be happy even thou i'm always awkward and feel funny. The kids are nice to see in doses for me. My head feels off still and get spouts of light headnes. it'll be ok. I'm sorry that i've been agitated a lot today thus being quiet :-| don't think anyone gets it but it's ok.

Not doing well t has been gone four months now. Havent heard from her in a week. Keep hoping she will come home but its been forever. Ive been breaking down often. Cutting, starving, purging etc. Feels so hopeless and lonely. I need her back so bad. Stuffing everything down inside for four months is too hard

[nicoleb2]

Really tough day. Wanted to hide from everyone and everything, but I managed not to. Had major SI urges, still do, but have managed not to do that either.

I just want it all to go away

[mommyof2girls]

It is 5:19 a.m. and I am still at work.....wishing I was home in bed..... guess I shouldn't complain, at least I have a job....right???? **sigh**

[nicoleb2]

The adrenaline of doing everything I could to stay safe yesterday is wearing off and my desire to SI is not.
Now I have to keep myself going, again

[Elli-Beth]

It doesn't matter. It never changes. T agrees with them anyway.

[delicatefade26]

Worked black Friday....I'm exhausted!!! Feeling pretty good though...although I have been thinking a lot about T this weekend...kinda annoying lol!

A strange day, really. Lots of things whirling around my foggy mind. Saw my T, and that was okay, I was just kinda downbeat. At the end of session she wondered if I was okay to drive, which was cute. I must have been acting spacy... As it turned out, I wasn't just 'okay' to drive, I had my drivers head firmly screwed on! (Who knew I had one?!) The road I needed to take was going to be closed for emergency repairs for a couple of hours just when I needed to journey home (I only found this out on the way there, when luckily it was still open - it would have made me late at best, I might have even had to cancel) - so, my initial plan was that I would stop off in the local town or at a pub to kill some time, because it's the only route I know and I didn't know what else I could do. Somehow, when I set off, I managed to get some moxy from somewhere, and decided to try and find another route home. I have NEVER driven somewhere unfamiliar, on my own, with no directions, help, co-passenger, or without a dummy run first! Imagine how surprised and accomplished I felt when I managed to stay calm and anxiety free, and enjoyed driving an alternate and untravelled route home without even so much as taking a wrong turn! Actually proud of myself for doing that. It's funny, T said something only today about there being 'other paths'... and there are!

So, yeah. A strange day. But, quite positive really.

Today is a good day. Getting Christmas deocrations out and ready to put up. My granddaughter is here to help (?). Last year I told her that she could only put up the ornaments that were not breakable. She proceeded to take one out. Banged it on the hardwood floor and said, "This one is not breakable." Then she put in on the tree without even realizing what she had just done!

[beauflow]

So last night was interesting.. I got rather upset.

More than upset I was planning. long short shot, my boyfriend and I talk- he of course discredited all the bad I said about myself.

He did not know I was planning, he tells me that is "a little extreme thinking".. it just proves my points on some things.

This is the other side of me on planning, usually I hurt so bad, but I don't want to hurt others... this planning is the exact obsite- I am hurting everyone with me staying her, I need to be sure on how to get the "job done"...... Can't fail on this, have to do it right....

My boyfriend does not understand but it is ok- we talked... he tells me I am not a burden....... I find it hard to believe.

I'll try to do better.. I will

I am starting to see why his brother's wife, has issues with his mom and sister- I don't yet but I can see why- his mom does not want you to pitch in anything of yours (as in food and stuff) for her holiday which I do also find a bit offending if you offer.. then his sister is ok don't get me wrong but she goes back on her stuff she says she will do- which over time, that is annoying... I will try to let these little things pass as I do.

[kaliope]

Justsomegirl- Excellent job! Im so proud of you! I am an anxious driver as well, so I know what courage that took.

(((beauflow))) I know it just comes across as words, hard to internalize, but over these many years of not trusting, I have discovered that when somebody close to me says they care, they really do.

Im vegging today. I feel like I should be doing something, but there really isnt anything to do. The last thing I want to do is go shopping on black friday.

Hugs to everybody struggling and even those who arent.

[eskielover]

Thanksgiving dinners are the hardest thing in the world for me. Thanksgiving dinner was the last dinner we all had together with my mother before she died (even though she didn't die until after January). Sitting at the dinner table & seeing & realizing how sick she really was really stuck in my mind. She couldn't eat her food & said she really wasn't hungry, but the truth was, she couldn't cut up her food to eat it which I did when I realized what was going on with her.

It's amazing how those pictures stick in your mind because several years later after I moved far away from where we lived & left my husband, I went to Thanksgiving dinner with a friend. It was a quiet, family dinner & there popped up the picture of my mother sitting across the table from me. .

Several years later, a friend was having her family get together for Thanksgiving & invited me to their family dinner. Hesitant as I was, I accepted. What a wonderful experience. The family was lively, there were kids all around & it was a very cheerful wonderful experience.....& best of all none of those visions from the past even haunted me at all. I know as time passes, visions decrease.....but there was so much PTSD involved with my mother's situation & the Thanksgiving was the start of that.....that I just have to be very careful.....but I have chosen not to let the fear of needing to be careful keep me away from doing anything at all........& wonderful, thankful, fun times exist.

[Kacey2]

I hate holidays with my family. I always realize that we are so f-ed up.

Trigger.......................................
Some of you remember Christmas of last year my brother mutilated my SIL's face. (breaking her eye sockets). It was so hard to look at her. And my family just ignored it. This year at Thanksgiving I found out that my beloved little cousin tried to commit su by injecting himself with a lethal dose of heroin. The drug dealer came back for some unknown reason and found him in complete cardiac arrest. He's alive for now but not sure for how long. Holidays suck!

SO want to connect with T. I sent him an e-mail just asking for a quick connection.

I need to be in the world, but I need to know that the safety of T is still out there for me somewhere.