[cin1]

i was lonely most of the day. H was outside drinking. I was angry about it. i am ok now, i don't think he knows how it makes me feel, i don't think he does it to hurt me.

I am home from being away for the first time in 10 years! I had so much fun. Was able to swing by the beach as an added bonus. Emailed my therapist everyday and she sent words of encouragement and praise.

I never thought I could do something like this, but I did it! I followed my therapist's advice as to how to diffuse triggers, and it worked!

[kaliope]

Congrats Squiggle!!!!! Great Job!

(((Just some girl))) Please be careful...

Originally Posted by FourRedheads

Yesterday made the decision to go on an antidepressant. Have been on them before, with good results, but was hoping this time I wouldn't need them. Feel like I have failed, somehow. Will get the prescription late next week.

FourRedheads- please dont feel you have failed. There are just some things we are not equipped to handle alone. So many of us have worked for years to manage without meds, I know I for one sure have, hated the idea of having to resort to them for fear of being weak, being a failure. But when the time came, the choice was life or death. The meds didnt solve my problem, only allowed me to think more clearly so that I could work on my issues and make sense of things. I realized the choice to take meds made me a stronger person, not weaker because I saw a problem I wasnt able to resolve and admitted I was powerless over it and finally did something about it that worked. i still dont like the idea of having to take meds, but i take meds today because i choose not to suffer. I was suffering without them. I dont want to do that anymore.

Had a nice homecooked meal tonight at my soninlaws relatives house. went to show off the baby. taught them you dont leave poopy diapers at other peoples home. you bring them home with you. trying to figure out what my role is here. how much advice to i give. i dont want to offend or overstep boundaries. figure it really isnt a vacation. i am here to help.so do dishes and laundry. clean living room. anxiety is at regular level as i dont really do anything but watch tv all day and night. supposed to go tour a ship. still waiting on call from T as to how to medicate self for trip home so i dont trip out on the plane again.

hope everybody is well.

[rainbow8]

I am still sick! I had stomach flu or a virus and couldn't eat for 2 days, and still have my cold. My H sounds like he has bronchitis. Some of the grandkids are sick too. It's not such a fun vacation being sick but it's still nice to be away and be with my family.

I haven't been able to see T in over a week becauseI can't afford the gas. I have been feeling very sui but I don't feel I can tell T because he will do as he was taught; call the police. I don't want any more drama. So there isn't much I can talk to T about anyway, so I guess it doesn't matter if I don't have gas money.

[PleaseHelp]

I've had a good day. I've been so busy doing stuff with the girls that this is the first time I've sat still all day! My anxiety did not skyrocket when I took the girls out to eat with their cousin & Aunt, & 9 people from Aunt's other side of family that I'd never met before. Plus we went to a buffet place and my SO didn't come with. Was surprised I didn't have a panic attack.

I had a really good day. Slept most of the afternoon to catch up from being away on my trip. Visited grandchildren and brought one home with me. She is a joy to have in my home. I am so happy that I feel good. I want to savor every minute of it!

[Nelliecat]

Originally Posted by FourRedheads

Yesterday made the decision to go on an antidepressant. Have been on them before, with good results, but was hoping this time I wouldn't need them. Feel like I have failed, somehow. Will get the prescription late next week.

(((FourRedheads)))

You have reached out and taken a positive step towards your wellbeing - this is not a failure. You've done really well to recognise that to help yourself you need a bit of assistance from medication. This will hopefully kick in soon and make things a bit easier for you.

I had a night away with hubbie and it was lovely. I love my kids but sometimes it's a bit claustrophic being a mum constantly. Anyway, home and refreshed a bit now. Kids out playing in fresh air and I'm knitting a snood for my 9 year old daughter.

So far today we are having a good day (we've been up for only 90 minutes, but it still counts!!)
We stayed home from church today to have a day at home alone and sleep in.
Did some Tae Bo. Going to write a letter to our gramma. Doing okay today. Needed some quiet time alone.

[OneRedRose]

ive had a mixed day, went to visit a friend in prison, got home and had a friend join for dinner, my mum screamed at me, then stormed into her room, spent the rest of the evening coming out to scream at me some more, making me make her bed, fetch her drinks and food, then told me how horrible I am to her, and how she always has to tip toe around me even now :S if thats tip toeing id hate to see how she really wants to behave!, my friend had a panic attack over it all she couldnt handle it...my dad just ignored her, the man that said he will always help me and wont let her shout at me anymore, once again broke his promise, my friend left now and my mum said she wishes she had a proper family.

I wish I wasnt in a family at all.

This all kicked off because my dad let the cat out, yet I was the one being blamed.

T hasn't reappeared to answer my e-mail/redo my phone message. I *know* that when he hears from me, he'll connect with me in some way...even if he just e-mails to say he'll leave the message tomorrow. But I feel kind of adrift. I miss him.

I was triggered while I was running today. Something popped into my head and my legs immediately felt weak, like I had to sit down. I usually count when I'm running to keep my mind from going "there" but I was just running. If I get triggered like that when I'm running, I always have to walk, because it feels like my legs can't hold me. But today I told myself "I FEEL weak, but I'm still strong" and I didn't even slow down. AND I started counting, so my brain would have to stay here with me. It doesn't sound like a big deal, but it was a big deal to me.

Did I already say that I miss T??

I feel like I need to stop everything from spinning. Like I need to step out of the world and close the doors behind me, find some peace and calm. My peace continues to be disrupted - people calling me and waking me up, arguing and dragging me in... and somebody hit me in my car today (luckily just cosmetic damage, and it's an old car so I don't want to make a big deal out of it, but it left me shaken, and my mum was furious because she just paid to get it fixed after last time.) Another thing that is troubling me is having to keep this 'secret' from certain people - having to avoid answering questions about my mental health and weekly therapist appointments makes me anxious, as by nature I'm very open and honest.

I also have to avoid questions about why I'm not working. A friend asked if I've still not found a job -she said she'd hand my CV in and put a word in for me where she works, as a position is coming up. It's retail, probably part time hours, and most likely temporary. Of course there's no guarantee I'd get the job, or even an interview - but I don't know if I should even apply. I do need to get back in the workplace, but also I don't know if I'm ready? I still don't know what I can/should/want to do career-wise, so maybe taking on another minimum-wage temp job would be a good start. I just don't know if I can put myself in that position. What if it doesn't work out? What if the anxiety attacks get to be too much again and I can't cope? Yet more people will realise what a mess I am. Another problem is that I'm pretty sure the work uniform has short sleeves - and I have SI scars all down one arm. I'd have to find some way to cover up, and either way there will be more awkward questions. Also, I know the economy is bad right now, and a job is a job, but I'm a graduate - should I really have to work another shop floor retail position? The feeling that I'm 'underachieving' brings its own anxiety to the situation, and it's not like staff typically get treated well in these types of jobs. This is a big part of the problem I had where I used to work, so do I really want that again? I couldn't DO it anymore, have I changed since then? If I could cope back then why did I have to give everything up and move home? Shouldn't I be aiming for something different? Or is it time to eat some humble pie? I don't know what to do.

Working would also cause another problem - how do I still get to keep my therapy appointments? I do not want to give therapy up, I don't want to have to explain to a new employer why I need a particular time off each week, and I don't know if my T does 'out of hours'...

But then, I do crave change. What I'm doing isn't helping me to 'recover' - life sucks. Yes, the rest away from work is good in ways, but it also means I have nothing to get up for. I sleep later and later. I feel tired all the time, and wonder if it's because I have such long periods of unsatisfying sleep, or just the depression, or if it's the meds. I think I need to review my meds because I've been checking the pulse monitor on my exercise bike as I work out, and my pulse is frequently coming up at like 59, 60. Pretty sure that's not right. My resting pulse used to be higher than that. I am on beta blockers so I guess it's to be expected... but I think that's maybe too low.

What I want isn't always the deciding factor anymore. I don't know if I can trust myself since this depression and anxiety took over.

Can't you tell I have no one really to talk to? Well, except for T, obviously. I just ramble on and on. And on.

All this, and I have technical difficulties too! I need to reinstall my printer but can't find the disk - so how do I even print my CV even if I should? AND my headphones broke last night, so I can't listen to all my meditation stuff or the comedy audiobooks I've been downloading to help me through my nights.

Okay, I'm done. Thanks for listening..
Makes me feel like I'm not so totally alone, you know? Even if no one really reads this, at least it's 'out there'...

[Ygrec23]

Not bad today. Back to journalling, which I didn't do yesterday. See T tomorrow at 11. We'll talk about sleep fantasies which we started on day before yesterday. The bank's still harassing me about the mortgage. Won't name them, they're national and really, really awful. I applied for a mortgage modification and they came back, 18 months later, and offered me a modification increasing the monthly payment by $200.00! If you knew what my income was you'd understand why I think they're psychotic. Take care.

[kaliope]

I have been doing pretty good anxiety wise, but i guess thats to be expected when I leave my whole world behind me. Its a shame I have bills to pay or i could see leaving everything behind to stay here with my sweet little grandson.

just some girl- you can usually find your printer online and download the driver for it. i can never find my disks and have always found the drivers online. as for the job issue, if the job is part time, then there will still be time for therapy. i work part time because i dont think i could handle full time work yet, so i go in at 11 each day so i schedule my T and pdoc appts for early in the morn so they dont interfere with my work schedule. i too have scars on one of my arms and it is just something i have had to learn not to be self-conscious about over the years. mine are all on the inside of my forearm. nobody except a medical assistant has been brave enough to ask me about them all these years. you cant let them hold you back.

hugs to all.

[Lauru]

Today - Hmmmm spent day with my nephews who are in foster care because their mother, my sister is an active alcoholic and is verbally abusive to her eldest. I love those boys. I took them to their scheduled visit with my sister. I spent time with them, gave them my unconditional love and hugged them both twice. I miss them. I really miss them. And I am angry at my sister for not being a good mom when she used to be a wonderful mom. I am worried, sad, and empty right now. I wish those boys were my boys so I could not only love them forever, but take care of them forever.

[nicoleb2]

Anxious about seeing t tomorrow. Last week, she wanted mt to get into a car and drive. I haven't done it. I am afraid to. I can't risk hurting someone, so t is going to be frustrated...

Thanks kaliope, I'll look for the printer driver online

My friend wanted my CV today, and I only had an old read-only version that was out of date, so I've had to create a new one super-quick and email it to her. To apply for a job I don't even know if I want. I just had to act, there was no time to think. Part of me will be relieved not to get the job, but part of me will be mortified that I can't even get a retail job I don't care about and I'm way over qualified for, because competition for jobs is so high these days. Writing about my old job today, and having to be positive about it and 'sell' my experience, I almost sold it back to myself. But it's too late.

I feel so sick to my stomach. I had a job, I had SOMETHING. I had my own place. I gave it all up for WHAT? To apply for even lesser positions after WASTING a year of my life SLEEPING?! Well done. No, really. Geez. Even if it wasn't ideal - it wasn't - why couldn't I have kept it as a stopgap that bit longer, until I did find something better? Oh right, yeah, that nervous breakdown that got inflicted on me by the part of my brain that seems to have gone rogue. It makes me so mad to think about it. Which is probably why I've spent so long sleeping and trying not to think about it.

Besides that, I actually had quite a good day. At least I got my CV done and up to date, even if I don't really know what for. So I feel like i've accomplished something, at least. I also went out with friends tonight, which was nice. I ran some errands and did a little driving, too -- and I made myself drive on a dual carriageway I'd been avoiding since my first crash. Made myself go that bit faster. After my second bump yesterday, I felt I needed to push myself a bit before I find myself too scared to.

I only have to get tomorrow out of the way. Wednesday means T. T means a calm mind for a bit! (Bliss!) Lots to discuss this week.

I've been reading a lot of posts on the forum here, and while I don't manage to reply to every one, or know what to write, I just want to say I think and care about you all and identify with so many of you (((((everybody)))))

I didn't have a T appointment today but I got to baby sit my grandson. When he smiles, the world lights up.

[nicoleb2]

Saw my T today. Got a new to me (aka used) vehicle. Now I am going to have to drive. I am really scared. I don't know if I am ready. I freak out when I am riding with anyone and we get anywhere close to another vehicle. I cover my eyes and squish down in my seat. I can't freak out while I'm driving. It wouldn't work.

Aside from driving, I am feeling low tonight and I don't know why. I had girl scouts with my daughter tonight (I co-lead a troop). It was fun I guess. I am still in a lot of pain from the car accident though

[PleaseHelp]

Today has been a roller coaster ride from hell. My emotions are all over the place. I'm thinking in major extremes (tend to go to the way negative (black) side). My perception is all out of whack. I don't even want to be around me or deal with me. UGH. Well tomorrow is a new day. At least I get to see T this week.

[nicoleb2]

I should have talked more to my therapist today. I was really just trying to avoid everything, apparently quite successfully.
I really am scared about driving. I'm scared I'll pass out again.
I can't talk to my family about it. They don't get it.
I was doing ok today, the closer I get to having to drive, the more worried I am.
Then, I got a letter that my disability is being reviewed (as far as I know, it's a routine review) and it scares the hell out of me. If for some reason they were to stop my disability, I wouldn't be able to continue going to therapy.
I just want to run away and hide. I don't even want to get into anything important at therapy because I don't want to start dealing with something and then not be able to go.

[kaliope]

Got call from T today. Thought it was my callback from the other day when my phone disconnected us when trying to talk about how to handle my flight home after having a bit of psychosis on the plane ride here because of anxiety i would guess, but he was calling to change my appt for after I get back. When I asked about what to do about the trip back, he would only say, "you know best". His demeanor was very cold and now it will be three more weeks before i see him to find out whether hes going to see me regularly again or not. maybe its just time to quit therapy.

hugs to all

Today has been wild. Manic time. I stayed at work for 12 hours today. Cleaned and organized my classroom. Came home and talked to my husband for 2 hours straight! Had to quit when he fell asleep. Now I am up working on school stuff.

I think I am cycling!

[scorpiosis37]

I had a sesison today, and T and I are back in sync She could tell right away that something was wrong, so she asked me about it, and I told her everything. She listened, she was empathetic, and she told me cared about me and was genuinely concerned about my health. I'm only in my 20s, but I've been having serious medical problems for several months now, my bloodwork just came back and it was totally abnormal, and the doctors still don't know why. Because of the way the system works with my insurance, I don't feel I'm getting all of the necessary care. I'm just being passed around from doctor to doctor who has no idea-- and I'm waiting weeks or even months between appointments. I also can't take the time I need to rest and take care of myself because I'm in grad school & I teach at the University, so I'm incredibly busy and can't take any time off. So, given what I'm going through right now, I just needed T to be there to support me, and she was. I really like it when I can read her emotions on her face. It lets me know that she's human, she cares about me, and she's feeling things with me. I just really needed that quiet, sweet, maternal, listening. It meant a lot to me.

Despite the serious nature of our discussion today, we also found time to laugh! I was telling her about my relationship (which, as I've mentioned on the board, is coming to an end) and how I now feel good about this outcome. I told her that, despite my girlfriend's many positive qualities, there are also several things I am not getting from her and from our relationship. I started listing things (not willing to talk about emotions, not willing to be affectionate in public, not able to see beyond her own needs, doesn't really "build me up") and then I said, "Ya know, I just realized I've gotten more compliments from you than from my own girlfriend! My girlfriend never says things like 'oh, you look nice today' or 'gee, that's a pretty outfit.' Even you say that stuff to me!" T laughed and said: "I even hold back!" It was really funny; it made my day. And, in all seriousness, it made me realize that I deserve a girlfriend who gives me more compliments than my therapist!

Anyway, I'm in a much better mood than I was last week! So, for those of you who read and commented on my post about my last session, thanks! And I'm doing much better now! Guess Ts just have off days. But today, it was like that other session never happened and we were back to our usual selves. She even gave me a tighter hug than she usually does, which was much appreciated.

[delicatefade26]

Omg I've been up since 2:30 puking my brains out : ( I feel horrible....I'm not sure I'd it's from starting birth control or stomach bug...but it sucks!!! Thankfully I can stay in bed all day...I just want to stop getting sick long enough to sleep!