My family is very close to another family. We all grew up together. My mother was the church organist and their mother was the church choir director. One of their daughters has two adult children and they have been going through some real, frightening challenges lately.

About 10 weeks ago, their son was helping his girlfriend who had run out of gas on a highway. He was filling up her gas tank when a car hit him, amputating his right leg and severely damaging the left. He has been through several surgeries and has battled life-threatening infections.

Today I found out that their daughter is also in the hospital. She is 19 weeks pregnant with twins. One of the amniotic sacs has ruptured. Both twins are still alive and the hope is to get her to 24 weeks, but that will depend on them being able to keep her infection free. They have been told that if she gets an infection, she will most likely lose both babies.

This family is going through so much, but their faith is strong; they have a huge group of friends and family praying for them. I am sitting here at my desk trying not to cry as I have a classroom full of 17-year-olds with me. These are very special people and I am overwrought right now. I guess it is the whole hospital, crisis after crisis thing that is triggering thoughts of my sister.

Their courage and strength through these trials certainly puts life into perspective. This will pass, for me, but they have so much stress and helplessness to deal with right now. I understand that far too well.

I see my T at 5:00 today. I wasn't sure what I needed to talk about, but I do now. I suspect I'm going to owe him another box of Kleenex.

[Unrigged64072835]

First day of work this year. OMG I WAS SO BORED. I finished my email backlog in ten minutes! I know business will pick up soon (I hope), but still...husband and I were IMing each other with links to humorous stories all day to keep us awake.

Need to see the sleep doc tomorrow. I don't want to do it and he doesn't want to do it, but the insurance company makes him do it, so we're doing it. Half-hour drive both ways in freeway traffic--gotta love it. :roll eyes: And I'll probably get dinged about my weight again--sleep doc believes if I lose some weight my sleep apnea will go away. However, I didn't pack this on overnight and it's not coming off overnight either. Depends on how much motivation I have to go through the freezing cold to the Y and then wait around for one of the ellipticals.

Oh, and since it's the new year, that means I need another cholesterol check. Maybe my regular doc will forget and I can save myself another lecture.

And cat, I love you dearly but why must you park yourself right in front of my keyboard? I could pet you or work my arms around you but either way you get miffed and bite me.

[pianolady]

I think i might have to ring my t again. I am feeling depressed and stressed. and twiggered by many emotions that I need to release somehow. I feel unsafe in my head. I want to be alone.

[beauflow]

Hugs to everyone that needs them and to those that can keep them for a day ya do

Well, today has not been too bad- I woke up earlier than I should had, I have work tonight- eek I will probably be board off my butt but it will be ok, I will plan to take something to do

Last night well earlier this morning, my brother texted me with how his gf is not what he thought and they were fighting- I am utterly confused on this, and do not want to get involved. I guess he needs a place to stay- My Boyfriend says No way, and that he is sorry for No Way but No way-- I agree No way- And I am sorry but My brother and I have tried living together and I don't see how it will be good even if short term; And it is not like he would be on the streets- I know that our old friend of ours that is a good influence would take him in for sure -- this old friend helped my brother with getting cars when needed-- he is everyone's uncle but no one's uncle -- I don't get my brother, I love him-- but one of my goals that I hope to strengthen my self on is boundaries with some- and my brother is one of them-- It is the same story-- "Pick Me Up Sis, I have been broken again".... I can't do it- And When Ever I did get involved it just causes me hurt and he gets mad at me usually so Not Worth it. I am not a punching bag!!! and it is about time he learn he needs to rely on himself some times--- I am sorry if that sound harsh but he is quiet a few years older than I, and I myself have had to go through this-- not to say Not with help from others but; the main thing is myself has to do things at times by myself.. And I keep telling him, asking him, please get help for yourself.

Any ways- In other News in the Beauflow world; The Wife of my Boyfriend's brother befriended me again then promptly they asked us to watch their dog... -- It is nice though, Maybe She will write as she has been doing the last few days-- As I said in a previous post- i would want to get to know her a little bit more, her back ground, and such-- She has issues and I hoping that she is one that tries to work on them.... everyone has bumps right? My boyfriend was like-- you befriended her again, just for her to de-friend you again.. maybe but if it will be it will be-- I just want to keep peace and hey, I am sucker for more than 1 chance obviously.

Today--been cleaning today- I know I am odd, I had 4 days off and my last day before having to go to work I am cleaning the home... I usually do this on Mondays to a point, maybe not as far as deep cleaning but still.. I just some times go at it more when my boyfriend is not around-- why you may ask- I have a little crazy high expectations when cleaning--- to which i understand he is not with that releam as I am... not many are... but i do expect some help with pick up this week as after it is cleaned up Not a trap just a request

I have notice my hands are shaking a but more than usual today, I am not writing well-(like my penmanship)-- are these tremors? The med box said to call if i had tremors... It is Lamitcal that i started, I think right now I will just take a little rest on cleaning (on PC right) and see if they continue or get worse--

It is hard to say what is tremors for me-- before meds just naturally i shook a little from time to time, just like muscle twitches, and sigh-- head aches.. any ways- will see.... it is on my 2nd week on this stuff so still a trial as of now. If it does get worse I will be calling.

I see t next week, not sure what to talk about...

I talked to my boyfriend about my "feeling of meant to be alone" I put it in another thread-- my boyfriend and I talked more on it the other day-- about the settling- he said if he settled then I settled too, we settled to be happy and not alone any more :-) <3 he is lovely and has the right way to put things many days... I really think this is a deep seeded issue, as well as some thing of me not deserving happiness and stuff like that-- but I guess I could bring that up to T.

Oh I forgot to write down some sui thoughts i had-- i had a pretty deceiving one the other night- i.e. just get these meds and stock up on them and then take them all at once--- sigh guess I should bring that up- but then I don't want to-- due to this was a flight sui thought- it was not a planned out one, I am not sure if that makes sense to any one. and I don't want them to be like- she is not right for this try on meds, especially after it took me sooo long to accept this sort of help.

Any who--- I finished my bear thing the other day-- I will post it here for you all to see what I do some times.. It makes me giggle and I hope it makes someone else giggle.

I think i will give this to my oldest sister, she needs a smile some days and this little guy makes me smile.

Nothing important happened today. Blah. Tired and blah and sleep and blah.

Therapy tomorrow, though! Will get me out of the house, lol Nah, am looking forward to starting up again for the new year. Figure some stuff out and that...

[kaliope]

beauflow.....if that wasnt a serious suicidal thought about stockpiling and taking all your meds at once, i would be careful about sharing it. i had a pdoc i trusted who convinced me to bring in all my stockpiled meds and i jokingly said "darn, youre taking away my backup plan" and because of that comment he would only prescribe my meds to me for two weeks at a time so i didnt have enough to kill myself with.

had a yukky appt with T today. we discussed how i feel like i have been feeling in distress lately, seeming to have perceptual distortions and such and he says that this is a pattern with me when i have extended periods of time off of work. He says that I need structure in my life for me to keep it together and these two long weekend have thrown me into another crisis of meaning. then we discussed the psychotic episodes that i had a couple weeks ago where it seemed that the voices had come back. He started to ask me about the voices and something weird started happening in my head. it hurt so bad. it felt like my brain was expanding and was going to explode. he asked me what was going on and i tried to explain it to him but i could only sit there and shake and cry and play with my bracelets while i tried to breathe so i didnt have a panic attack. when i was finally almost all the way calm i heard in my head "you must protect me" but i for some reason could not tell this to T. instead i said to T, ok so what did you ask me? and he says"im not going there again". and then started asking me mundane questions like did i hear the bird whistling outside and other things to distract me because it was almost time to go.

i think T needs to go there again. how can he not?

hugs to all.

[beauflow]

Thanks Kaliope for that- I don't think I will tell them for that is what I fear that they will think-- and yeah it was just one of those passing thoughts that popped up, no real plan with it-- guess a flighty thought. get them from time to time; I can be walking down a hallway feeling peachy for the most part, or dull if that is the case, but have a thought/plan pop in my head-- Don't know about it some times with me- think it is something that my brain just has been doing for so long; and I do find it simi-normal.

-- sigh, I know I already wrote for "today" in my world even though it is the next day technically at where i am, but I just been trying to do work as usual. Not much to do.

I feel sad, mainly due to today was the first day that in a week or two that I really did not get to see my boyfriend that much (like usual with work days) and it just has made me sad, and then as I am- why be sad when you can be paranoid with what he is up to and doing or what not- create bad things to hurt me in my head.

And No that is not a reflection on him- It is my own "wrong wiring" with my past and things that I have experienced and the fear of being abandoned by him in a cruel way.

I texted him with a silly text and he call and we talked for a bit, he promises he will get up early so we can hang out before he has to go to work- he asked to please not be sad and do something fun today since I am done with what needed to be done at work. I told him I will try--

Blah! I don't like this feeling and it is the initial thought, then the after thought on why and then that I can't seem to stop this; Always thought by the 3rd year into our relationship or at least SOME TIME With in it; I would be able to trust more and not think this way.

My T and I already talked on this or brushed on it- She I think, was surprised in ways that 1) I just brought it up one day before we ended session; she had not initiated a why I think this way like by asking as she does with some things; and 2) that I acknowledge where these feelings, partially come from and am to able to see sort of why, and what happened on how it reflects/my reactions on now days with things.

Yep, yep...... i wish I could just erase the past of my child hood some days... i wish I could just either "forget" or just not think on it as I do some times.... And not dewelling right now (i try not do that) but like-- The reason being of my reaction with this and/or feeling is due to this happened-- it is nothing of not being validated by my boyfriend or him actually cheating on me or not caring about me....

BUT THEN I don't wish that at the same time- due to -- that is me... My past is what has helped to make me who I am today, and in ways a stronger being for how I am.. That sounds completely WRONG in some sense I know; it is hard to explain fully for me... I guess it comes down to that I CAN'T so DEAL with it.

[mommyof2girls]

Just sitting here at work.....Again listening to the same people complain and whine about every little thing.....It really gets annoying......I wish they would either quit or just shut up !!!!!!!

Ugh. I've had about two hours sleep. T better not do hypnosis with me today, I'd probably get too relaxed and start snoring... I really wanted to feel better rested for our session today I have enough trouble forming coherant thoughts!

[SoupDragon]

I have something that is really troubling me right now - I shared a little of it with my T last night and I wish I hadn't. I know I will now have to share this with the police otherwise I feel my T will not work with me anymore. It is just so hard as I am not even sure whether the information I have amounts to a crime (it does not involve me and the person who it at the center of this was under 18 when the events occured) - I was not even a direct witness but I only have hearsay information. However the information I have does concern me and I have real problem sleeping for it has taken over my mind. I feel like I am going to explode I feel so tense. I don't want to go about making false accusations about someone that may affect the rest of their life and without direct evidence myself how do I really know these things happened?

Right now I wish I could be someone else.

[Nelliecat]

Oh man, so much tidying and housework to do I don't know where to start. How does it get this bad soooooo quickly. There must be naughty fairies come in overnight and trash the place (or maybe it's the kids).

Anyway, watching Homes Under the Hammer instead

T tomorrow and I'm kind of thinking it's just easier not to go and rake everything up again.

It was nice to see my T again. What a long two weeks that seemed, but we're all caught up now, after I had her read my journal entries (7 full A4 pages! Lol) and we had a good talk. I finally realised some things and she realises I realised those things she wanted me to realise... and now to take action on those things...! Or something! I've been so reluctant (resistant?) to be open to these ideas before. I've been slow to catch on. I think this year is off to a good start, though, therapy-wise

[Nelliecat]

I've been watching One Born Every Minute and have got myself all upset. It's too long a story and too much to just put out there but now I'm eating rubbish to stuff down the feelings, never a good thing

I'm going to bed now. I need a bit of a cry and bed is my safe place.

[jazzy123456]

I am waiting to see if I have enough money for a 90 minute session, instead of a 50 minute one. The holiday breaks can be so fun and stressful at the same time. My appointment would be this Friday and I'm nervous because I emailed my T twice over the break. I've also never had a 90 min. appt. with her and we don't ever plan what we will talk about so I am afraid it will become super awkward after a while. I feel panicky. panic attack feelings but, I think its over LIFE in itself, and therapy just happens to be a part of a number of things that is making me queasy. I'm a college student... money never comes easy... but, I figured a new semester of school was starting and I might as well ask for a longer session now, so I can start off 2012 and a new semester, letting everything off my chest that could get in the way of my success. so yeah. I hate asking for what I need. I rather be self-reliant, self-resilient but, all that bull crap is making me nauseous lol haha. I NEED help...from somebody...idc... thats just the way it'll have to be.

[Evis]

Therapy session tomorrow. Off to see my perfect therapist with his perfect life with his perfect everything. pfft

[nicoleb2]

I told my husband about my si'ing because my t insisted. Now he's watching my every move and looking at me like I'm nuts. I want to run, to hide, to never be found again. I'm so, so tired of this life and being treated like I am 2.

[delicatefade26]

Nicole was your H not aware before this about the si? Or about it currently?

[Unrigged64072835]

Started this morning with a nightmare about my brother. That weirded me out so much I couldn't even stand h touching me. And the weirdness lasted until after my sleep doc appt. I'm not sure if I want to continue T because I'm afraid I'll really meltdown, and I don't have the time or money for another 2 week hospital stay. I don't see T until Friday afternoon so if I can get the BBs from bouncing around in my head I should be okay.

Sleep doc appt went okay, even though I had to try hard to focus on the appt. The CPAP machine is doing its job and I'm sleeping better. That makes the insurance company happy and I don't have to see him until next year. Woot!

H and daughter had a snit over dinner. Daughter's birthday is next month and she wants to invite all her friends (that we don't know) for a party at our house. H is adamant about home security and wants to greatly restrict where they can be. They worked something out but neither was happy. This was a bad day for h at work and he's beat.

I'm so stressed out that I want sleep...and vodka...but I can't have vodka so it'll be just sleep.

[nicoleb2]

Originally Posted by delicatefade26

Nicole was your H not aware before this about the si? Or about it currently?

He knew I had done it in the past, and he saw the current cuts, but didn't want to say anything about it.
I don't understand why me admitting it to him means I should be treated like I'm 2

[crazycanbegood]

i just feel so low and i dont know why. there is usually something that precipitates the sadness. maybe it's because i am on a low carb diet. maybe it's because my life blows. pdoc increased my dosage today. i told her that i don't expect not to be depressed, just be less depressed. i wanted to lower her expectations as she is a new pdoc. she wrote in my chart that i had some "residual dysphoria." i smirked at that. i wanted to clarify that my dysphoria is ever present. what's residual is the hope I once had as a teen.

[mommyof2girls]

Today has not beed a very good day for me.... A lot of thinking about my ex t ...... I am so mad at myself..... I have been doing so well in therapy about this issue and now again obsessing over him again.... UGH!!!! God does this get any better???

[mommyof2girls]

UGH!!! I can't wait to see my t on Jan 11 .....It seems so far away..... I really need her right now, ( I hate that feeling that I NEED someone), but I really do need her...I need her comforting words.....I am a mess....

[beauflow]

i am getting utterly tired of this s h i t of when I don't think something is going right- IE a rule of something- and I stand up for it-- to be constantly told- DONT Take it soo personal.. (this due to I do get agitated and aggravated due to it is not right)

Ya know it is not me taking it so personal; it is the fact that you are allowing a tyrant to over throw the pieces of paper that were signed a while back and now she is making up her own rules.

utterly tired of it- and about to pop the next time i get told that

[Nelliecat]

Cr*p, cr*p, cr*p.

Failed at T today. Didn't say what I really wanted to say. Wasted my session. Didn't even want to go out, this windy weather makes me feel really unsettled and unsafe.

[kansas]

Just sad today.