[PleaseHelp]

I got a phone call last night from a friend (I haven't seen in years, but occassionally still talk to - on FB) asking if I could pick her and her kids up from the airport tomorrow (today) b/c she was leaving her abusive husband. So I said yes. Then scrambled to clean the girls and room and rest of house. Then she calls back and says that she'll be taking the train instead. Could I drive 1 1/2 hrs to pick her up from the train station. So I agree. I'm just feeling overwhelmed. She doesn't know a whole lot yet. I understand that. But at the same time, I really need to know certain things. Like is she able to get & bring the kids' car seats, does she need a playpen for the youngest to sleep in, when will someone else be picking her up from our house. And how much baby proofing do I need to do. I stressing out! Now that she's coming by train I don't get her until tomorrow night. Which is going to make for a long day. I'll be lucky to get back to our house by midnight, then get everyone settled. I don't see T this week, but I do see my pdoc tomorrow morning. Thanks for letting me vent.

I want to help her, I'm just feeling overwhelmed. Also wondering why her family isn't stepping up. Although, I already know the answer to that. I've known her and her family for over half my life. But still, if your child is in need of your help why wouldn't you help her. Just don't get it.

*update* Just got a call from my friend. She wont be coming back here (to this state). Her mom is being completely unsupportive and has turned the rest of the family against her. Her sister is willing to help out, but her sister's husband is taking their mom's side. Her mom even had the nerve to tell her that if she came back she would ruin her sister's marriage! Her dad is being as supportive as he can. She is going to stay with her "real" sister, she's adopted. Her dad said that once she gets settled to give him a call and he'll do what he can to help her. I so don't get it. I'm glad that her sister is willing to take her and the kids in and help her get back on her feet. I hope she finds the support she needs.

I still feel really bad and wish there was more I could do, but I can't. What can I do from a couple thousand miles away?

Again thanks for letting me vent. Not sure this was the right place for this.

[nicoleb2]

Yuck. Thats been my day.

One of our guinea pigs is sick. Hoping he stays ok, couldn't see the vet till tomorrow cause they the only vet around that sees guinea pigs

[Chopin99]

My OCPD is making me feel like I need to reply to this thread.

Yep...lost in rumination again...

Ran my errands, and managed to get to go riding. Woke up 9am, but went back to sleep until 1pm. Still feeling SO tired. No time for holiday cards, I'll try to do some tomorrow. Still worried about money. On the whole though, still feeling quite calm!

[beauflow]

((Everyone))

Sigh- This week i think will be ok-- I keep telling myself that... I have court on Thursday for the foggy car accident which I am so afraid that they will be charging me through the noise for the sign I plowed down, in addition I am afraid they will put the careless driving on me boo on that- I was not trying to be careless.... I was shocked when I heard the police man say careless-- he was nice but still..

The other night I had a cop follow me, like riding my tail a bit... I was like they are testing me!! I know it was just coincidental but it was hard to shake off that it was not a test... It was the same road my accident was on, and at night, and I just felt like it was a test--- I hate to feel such a way-

I keep saying it will be ok- I even have the fear they will put me in jail due to I will be like I can't pay you in full, I have to make payments, which is unreal

the plus side to this is that my boyfriend's sister says she has the copy of the insurance now, she was to fax it to my boyfriend the other day but IDK if they ever got that done- I HATE having to rely on these two to get my **** straighten out--- but I have to right now.. and unfortunately i have to rely on my boyfriend for a lot- he is the one with a car, i have not even ever owned a car-- i feel like a loser having to depend on him with some things.

This morning I went to Wal-mart (sorry I wanted to get home so I did not want to wait 2.5 hours for the dollar store) to get some bath tissue and some other supplies, I felt like falling apart there- cuz they have all these gift items out and I am like I can't afford even 15 bucks to blow...

I finished up the gifts that I have been making with old supplies that i have and in addition with some dollar store items-- I love the dollar store it is awesome.

I thinking for my brother that I know is depressed a little, i will finish up a bear I was planning on selling and give it to him-- I wanted to get him something but I just cant, and he said one day he would like a bear-- He will like this bear it is his favorite color .. I wish i could give him more- -he has not been returning my texts-- I feel a bit better today, I may call him to see how he is doing cuz i worry about him

any ways-- I need to nap today too- i only got 4 hours of restless sleep when I got home-- I kept having bad dreams about my mom..... i did not like them and they were twisted odd in ways...

eh.... at least work has been going ok--- geez I am self distructive thought-- We are not allowed to put up decorations-- I brought in snowflakes last night and put them up- i also brought in a light bulb even though I was told not to- we are being furloughed, basically dont help the corp- BUT Make sure this area is looking it's best-- such a contridiction and I am tired of it-- I am getting to that point of my wave with work- with I DONT CARE- and do what I want as long as I do my job..

Snowflakes-- geez I get so upset cuz the other side with the managers have a christmas tree and menorah but we are not allowed to have any thing-- we may offend some one--

How are snowmen and snowflakes, and garland and penguins offending-- I swear- this place has told my that a smile poem could be taken offensive-- I am like wow-- a smile is offensive, is thank you offensive?? I feel this place is back wards- I know in my heart I do not belong in this simi-corp world- I am not like these people... smiles are not offensive unless they are the creepy smiles of "hey baby!"

I dont get a lot but whatever..

[cin1]

i'm tired. i'm frustrated.... i have to go out side some just to get away from being inside. a md. lowered my lithium and even though i am back on what i was to begin with, i am having difficulties. i need to have a blood draw and let my psych. dr. see about my lithium level. my stomach is in knots, i want to shake something or someone.

[kaliope]

Please Help

You did help. You were there for your friend when no one else was. You made yourself and your home available to her in spite of the destress it caused to your own mental health.

Just because she made other plans does not dismiss the fact that you were there for her and did everything you could.

[eclogite]

Originally Posted by PleaseHelp

I got a phone call last night from a friend (I haven't seen in years, but occassionally still talk to - on FB) asking if I could pick her and her kids up from the airport tomorrow (today) b/c she was leaving her abusive husband. So I said yes. Then scrambled to clean the girls and room and rest of house. Then she calls back and says that she'll be taking the train instead. Could I drive 1 1/2 hrs to pick her up from the train station. So I agree. I'm just feeling overwhelmed. She doesn't know a whole lot yet. I understand that. But at the same time, I really need to know certain things. Like is she able to get & bring the kids' car seats, does she need a playpen for the youngest to sleep in, when will someone else be picking her up from our house. And how much baby proofing do I need to do. I stressing out! Now that she's coming by train I don't get her until tomorrow night. Which is going to make for a long day. I'll be lucky to get back to our house by midnight, then get everyone settled. I don't see T this week, but I do see my pdoc tomorrow morning. Thanks for letting me vent.

I want to help her, I'm just feeling overwhelmed. Also wondering why her family isn't stepping up. Although, I already know the answer to that. I've known her and her family for over half my life. But still, if your child is in need of your help why wouldn't you help her. Just don't get it.

*update* Just got a call from my friend. She wont be coming back here (to this state). Her mom is being completely unsupportive and has turned the rest of the family against her. Her sister is willing to help out, but her sister's husband is taking their mom's side. Her mom even had the nerve to tell her that if she came back she would ruin her sister's marriage! Her dad is being as supportive as he can. She is going to stay with her "real" sister, she's adopted. Her dad said that once she gets settled to give him a call and he'll do what he can to help her. I so don't get it. I'm glad that her sister is willing to take her and the kids in and help her get back on her feet. I hope she finds the support she needs.

I still feel really bad and wish there was more I could do, but I can't. What can I do from a couple thousand miles away?

Again thanks for letting me vent. Not sure this was the right place for this.

Sounds to me like a lot of people she'd normally depend on are unavailable for her. I think it could mean the world to her if you can just be available to support her and allow her to vent. You can be there with her on the phone or in writing when you're miles away. I hope things get sorted out well for her.

[crazycanbegood]

Ate well but feeling very sad, hopeless, and lonely.

[beauflow]

I must suck as a human I must really do----

I try to be supportive but It seems as if I am not- so it is like whatever-
I try to be ok and joke around with people and I get ignored.
I seem to be like, an ora of -- well she is the last one to pick so I guess her.

I feel really down right now, I want to leave work and not go home but I just want to be any where but beside myself.

I feel let down, I feel failed, and I feel lied to right now on top of it too besides being ignored and being unsupportive and not being supported with something I struggle with that i hold dear to me some days.

I just feel really crappy- I try to explain how I feel in words but even above does not explain how I feel all over.

I have a lot of anger that I am trying to "simmer down" with which I have to a point, I am not mad at my boyfriend any more- he has been trying and is just sadly a middle man. but I am still so angry with it all-

I hate that I get to thinking on really bad thoughts of me not being on this earth- the worse are the whole bad thoughts coupled with no one would care i just need to get the job done---

Ya know the sad part a co-worker was telling me the other night, basically some thing that a person could od on that I did not know you could do.. Told him thanks for the tip! I really did but in a joking manner.

Seems like signs in some form to me.

I feel all over the place- I feel unwanted again. I feel like the last resort for some, and I feel like I am not really worth anything

I of course will finish my day out here at work- I just want to go to bed-- I basically have done my bear minimal here and that is it for today. Sorry.

[mommyof2girls]

When will this work day end!!!!!

(((((((beauflow)))))))))

Hang in there...it won't feel this bad forever. Whenever I feel that bad, I try to remember that feelings always change, even if I don't do *anything*.

Hugs to you!

[sittingatwatersedge]

(((((((((((((((((( beauflow )))))))))))))))))) so much sadness. I'm so sorry.
Can you get a change of scenery for a few days? Take some vacation and go away? is there a trusted friend you can travel with, or at least talk to and let some of this out? If not, we are here 24/7. Please don't do anything rash.

[beauflow]

Thanks Treehouse and Sittingwatersedge-

Vacation-- Yeah I get furlough days off-- (loL) I try to see those as a blessing in ways- I do, even though it adds to my stress with strapping me with money- at least I will be away from here

I actually talked to my boyfriend- he was still up, he came to my work and we talked. I know -- it is a No, no at work, to leave but I was feeling down and the customers know I am here and have my number for things, and I checked on them when I got back. I was not missed.

My boyfriend and I talked, I told him all that I was upset about, and thoughts- He, I think some times either does not see or I am just good at hiding all my emotions with things. He said he will talk to his sister about the one thing that is really eating at me right now-, and that I also should not feel so down about certain things. He tried to do what you guys do- give me some sort of pick me up. do appreciate it.

I know these emotions change, It is just hard some times when they are here.. I am getting tired of it- I am tired of crashing down all of a sudden-- I guess that is some hope as my T said-- with meds the possibility with them is that the lows will not be so low of a dip......

I only have a few hours left at work- and i ended up doing more even though I said i was going to just do my bear minimal...

I guess that felt better to do since I was occupied with doing something- but at the same time- it is like blah why even try here any more..

Thank you all--- I know not to anything harsh-- some thing always pops up to remind me of it is not answer, and some people do care. (Or I atleast hope that those things keep popping up- and they did tonight with my boyfriend coming and seeing me).

Hugs to all and thank you

Verrry tired today. Again. Made myself get up to go out and ride, only to find my mare is lame again, so I'm a little worried about the cause, why the problem has resurfaced... my poor baby!

Apart from that things aren't so bad I suppose. Going to have a nice soak in the bath and pamper myself a bit, just try and have a pleasant evening and not let myself get too down - I want to hold on to the relaxation and peace I've had this week! I feel it's so fragile I can almost feel it start slipping away when something goes wrong... so I'm kinda like 'lalalalalalala I'm not listening, brain! I'm okay, I'm okay! It's still good, it's still good! Lalalalalalala!'

Therapy tomorrow

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

Verrry tired today. Again. Made myself get up to go out and ride, only to find my mare is lame again, so I'm a little worried about the cause, why the problem has resurfaced... my poor baby!

Apart from that things aren't so bad I suppose. Going to have a nice soak in the bath and pamper myself a bit, just try and have a pleasant evening and not let myself get too down - I want to hold on to the relaxation and peace I've had this week! I feel it's so fragile I can almost feel it start slipping away when something goes wrong... so I'm kinda like 'lalalalalalala I'm not listening, brain! I'm okay, I'm okay! It's still good, it's still good! Lalalalalalala!'

Therapy tomorrow

I totally want to talk about your horse, girl! What breed? What kind of riding do you do? What kind of lameness? Abscess maybe? We get a lot of those this time of year because of how wet it is, and then ground freezes and hoof bruises and abscesses. Not completely therapy related, I guess. LOL! Horses are therapy, right?

[Chopin99]

Feeling pretty good today. I am good at my job and I am at work doing it. Plus it takes the mind off the ruminations (tho I did have to check in here at lunchtime)!

[FourRedheads]

T tomorrow...T tomorrow! This is going through my head. Over and over and over.

My ex gave me a disturbing note yesterday--he makes some very strong accusations about one of my daughters and my son. Did what I needed to this morning--notified the people who need to know. So hard to do anything--just frozen (in fear?) I don't know. Haven't heard back yet. Waiting to hear.

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

I totally want to talk about your horse, girl! What breed? What kind of riding do you do? What kind of lameness? Abscess maybe? We get a lot of those this time of year because of how wet it is, and then ground freezes and hoof bruises and abscesses. Not completely therapy related, I guess. LOL! Horses are therapy, right?

Yeah, my horse is my other - unofficial - therapist! She listens almost as well, but she doesn't give very good feedback or in-depth insight...

You have horses? My mare is appaloosa cross anglo arab, and she's such a doll. I mostly just hack and ride out, she's only 6 and I haven't done a lot of schooling with her yet. I'd quite like to get into doing some dressage at some point, but I'm not really all that competitive, I just like to have fun with her. Not sure what's causing the lameness - I brought her in out of the field a few weeks ago and went on a hack, she started out fine and then she went progressively lame whilst we were out so I dismounted and walked her back. When I felt down the inside of the cannon/splint bone (hind off side leg) I found she had a kind of bony lump - so I figured she may have thrown a splint. I got some opinions, and someone with a lot of experience said she reckoned she'd had a kick, and maybe she'd bruised the bone. I gave her a couple weeks box rest, then started turning her out again. She was doing fine in the field, so I rode her out last week and she was totally sound. 'Sorted', I thought! Rode out on her again last night and again she was totally fine - but we were out with a horse that walks out a lot faster and I did keep having to trot to catch up (this other horse was 'on one' so the other rider couldn't exactly wait around for me!)... maybe it was just too much intense roadwork and it aggravated whatever it is because today she started resting it up again, and showed stiffness when I led her out. So.. more boxrest I guess I feel so guilty about it, because I feel like I must have pushed her too hard... I would never do that intentionally. So yeah, I'm on a bit of a downer about it...!

My T apparently used to ride horses, so she kind of appreciates that I have this bond with my mare, that I can feel free on horseback - but last week she said something along the lines of "it's all very well having this connection to your horse, and it's great that you have that, but it's not the whole answer - you need to make some more friends, your horse isn't going to live forever..." Umm, wow, thanks T... lol... I know she's right and all, but ****!

[PleaseHelp]

My day has been OK. Wasn't really impressed with my Pdoc this morning, but that isn't unusual. I did get her to increase my lamictal. Hoping that will help level out my moods. I know meds aren't everything, but the lamictal does really help keep my moods stabilized.

My T wants me to read back over the Emotional Regulation module of DBT and do some of the worksheets. Not exactly sure what she wants me to do. And I've been putting it off. That module was hard for me. I still don't quite get it. But suppose I should read up on it and see if it makes more sense now.

Finally got fairly caught up at work and am now back to my regular work schedule. SO has last final on Fri morning. Hoping my stress level will drop with these changes.

[beauflow]

((Everyone))
hugs even if you don't necessarily need them- keep it in your pocket for a day that you do lol?

Anyways-- today has been well, I got home I tried to sleep but had issues, a lot of not getting to sleep then waking up after a few winks, I am going to try to take a nap

I feel like crap- Reason being is cuz I was getting so mad with my boyfriend's sister- she called be earlier to say- today she will be sending it via fax just she needs to get some where to do it and that she tried to call my boyfriend but his phone was off (he was going to work and I let her know that- we talked briefly on how she and the kids were; little one was crying cuz she is teething)...

I feel like crap due to I had all these things in my head, good and bad mind you- I did try to weight out things- then i ended up with turning the anger inwards and I think that is just continuing with how things are going--

I told my boyfriend sorry due to I had let him know my thoughts-- I feel so bad now. at least this time around he knows why I am saying sorry rather than out of the blue sorry for my thoughts but he never knew about them...

I feel like a failure in ways-- it is like I know not to play things out in my head- I try to weigh things out- but still emotions come and I can't stop them. My boyfriend says stop going down the road of really bad thoughts with sui ones... I can't help them some times and I wish he understood- I wish he understood that at least I caught them this time and tried best to again weigh out things...... I know he just does not like that side of me cuz he loves me.

Any ways-- I took a shower plus today and brushed my teeth-- I am a gross human at times-

I look around the house and again the kitchen is a mess- I am just coming to the conclusion that maybe just through the week i am not good and i should not get so mad when i see it at times like i did last week.

I keep telling myself maybe make a plan, to like do some of it when i come home from work-- but geez some days where is the energy or wanting to..... plus i get mad when i do that cuz i feel like i am getting no help.. and yes this is an on going conversation with me.

I feel like my mother at times with it which I could crawl out of skin if I could when i do.

Trying to take breathes in and say it will be ok.. court will be ok tomorrow morning..

If i get that little piece of paper work i will feel better, they will drop that charge/fine, and just deal with explaining it was foggy out.. Those things will be ok- then comes the sign-- I wonder how much a road sign costs?? I will be finding out that soon

It upsets me that my boyfriend was telling me to go talk to the DA early and I told him no since if we don't have paper work- and he agreed....

I hope this is done with, I hope I have learned my lessen with this- but see I am still not sure what that is

I know depending on others is hard- it is one thing i do try not to do- I know my boyfriend i depend a lot on as far as car and emotional support.... but he is the only I accept that with and I try best never to take it for granted. with others not so much, avoid it like the plague
And i know at times, depending on another is "ok" but I have only found it ok with my boyfriend.

And I know a bit is that i judged on the time frames and what his sister bouncing around with i will get it, no i wont, yeah i will... but i think that is valid to be honest. Some one that does that does show character i think- you either are going to do something or not and when it comes to others you best be keeping what you said or explaining if your not going to-- In the end she is keeping her original word but still- it is hard.

this is all hard for me-- i see my flaws.

Be well all- I am going to try to take a nap...

Oh and my dog made me laugh a bit a go, he was all sprawled out on the bed-- little light in me still. my brain has not completely shut off as it has in the past.

[nicoleb2]

Having an ok day. Getting more stressed as the day/night go on.

Had to take our new guinea pigs to the vet, one had ear mites, but they both had to be treated since they are caged together. We just got them 3 weeks ago, but at least now I know that they are healthy.
I'm getting more and more stressed about running the cub scout Christmas party tomorrow. Planning it was one thing, but I don't want to actually run it. I HATE being in charge. I suck at it.

I wish that I could just stay in bed tomorrow. I didn't get out of bed until almost noon today...I just couldn't face the day

[kaliope]

Im feeling frustrated and helpless.

My boss is counting on me to pitch in, or maybe I am just really wanting to come through for her so I am working extra hours to take the Toys for Tots shifts every morning. This is allowing the workers who deal directly with the public to stay in the office and work. I schedule appts with the people I deal with so if I am not there, it has little impact on how the office runs. But working Toys for Tots is getting to me because so many people need help. Our donations are so low. And people come to pick up their toys and they have like a family of four kids and I hand them a bag its barely half full and I think what kind of christmas is that going to be? And then I have people who just flat out lie to me about stupid s h i t. They dont know their family number, so I ask what time they were supposed to be there so I can search for them and they say, "I wasnt given a time"....everybody is given a time...(this particular woman later ends up reading me all the information off her piece of paper including the time of her appt.) Its just so frustrating..............

Then I am also in charge of putting together the christmas food baskets. I ordered 400 hams, rolls and pies, but the rest we decided we would put together from our holiday food drive. We collected 6000 pounds of food. Sounds like a lot but I went to look at it today. It really isnt. So again I am feeling like I cant do enough. I am sorting through all this food for canned fruit and veggies and mashed potatoes/rice/pasta to fill out the rest of the basket. We also have some fresh potatoes or sweet potatoes we can give. My boss says people are going to be grateful for what they get, I just cant help but feel they will be dissappointed.

Adding to my sense of powerlessness and frustration is the fact that besides all the halfdays for Toys for Tots, tomorrow we close the place down in the afternoon for our staff christmas party, next week I lose an afternoon to hand out the food baskets, and this ones really weird to complain about, but we are getting two paid days off for christmas along with the day off after christmas. what i am feeling powerless about is that we have to take them during the holidays. so with my schedule, i have to take mine on the 27 and 30 making me available to my clients only two days that week. so basically, from now to the new year, i havent got space to schedule people because of all this holiday crap going on and people are counting on me to be there for them. Grrrr......

Thanks for letting me vent.............

Hugs to all

[mommyof2girls]

I am feeling very anxious....

[beauflow]

So I have already cried at work- I have already hit the door here at my desk and slammed it...

Some days I really hate the fact I work with my S/O--- He is the lead this last July it was announced and I feel some days he needs to start pulling his weight- I am sorry- I love him but I should not be the one to go pick up this, and do this and that and he initially says he will be doing it--- This is work not home- he needs to get that straight .

Sadly due to this is work and not home- I am matter a fact with him and very straight forward on what I was told my duties were and if they were to change than I need to be notified

I know this puts some stress on us- but I am getting tired of getting these unofficial notes from our supervision (meaning she hand writes them, does not sign them, and leaves them at the desk) and i FIND Them-- them saying basically I am not doing my job..... due to he is not doing something he said he would be taking over since I do so much at work- that in ways yeah I should be lead. But due to my unsuitability with emotions I am not

**OH, I just wanted to clarify that the whole lead crap- Is not blowing sun shine up my butt, almost all here at work and even my boyfriend has said I should had been the lead-- the thing is - my supervisor and I had talked a few times on the lead in general subject- and I must stay I know myself well enough that right now in my life, with how I am- i would not be able to handle it--- And please do not take that as I am gelous of my boyfriend being the lead- I am happy that he is- he has been here for 10 years and this is his first promotion ever at the desk- so I am glad he got it, I am glad he got it over someone that knows nothing about the desk too.

Set that straight.

On top of it-- why is it that on night shift I have all these crazy problems, like people's accesss being denied , the Monitor not working and so forth... really upsetting when the first 15 minutes in to work is just pure chaos..

I am behind on my time now--- I just needed to note some where what i feel- t

thank you all!!

HUGS!