[PleaseHelp]

I was disappointed a bit by what the girls gave me. Not much thought into the gift. Which bothers me b/c SO (and I) are always telling them that its the thought and how much effort you put into a gift that makes it special. I felt bad, but I made some suggestions on how to "improve" my gift. WTH I'm basically making my own Christmas present. When I brought it up to SO again, it was the same old stuff. "they're only 10, they're just kids, its not my responsibility." UGH! Did try to make the most out of the day though. The girls LOVE their footie PJs, we can hardly get them out of them!

I'm getting really frustrated with SO and don't know how to talk to him about it any more. It's like every time we talk it ends up in a fight or me feeling worse. He has been bringing up his ex more. Like how they hardly ever fought and other stuff, which is really pissing me off. I don't know if its the black/white thinking and other borderline traits or if there is more to it. For the most part, I blame myself for most relationship issues we have. Saying oh it must be me b/c I'm perceiving this or that wrong, or my borderline traits are flaring. Or am I just making excuses for him. I just don't know. I have talked to my sister-in-law about it and she's said she doesn't know how I put up with him and his BS. I've had people ask me if I would be happier w/o him. I just don't know. I do love him, I'm just really frustrated. The whole idea of not having him & the girls in my life terrifies me. They are the reason I keep going, why I keep fighting to get better. That and they are the ONLY family I have. Maybe not the right place for all this. I do appologize.

People really don't care what they say. How can someone joke about rape, eating disorders, self harm, etc.? I'm tired of feeling triggered by these insensitive people at this school. I know that they couldn't possibly know what I've dealt with w/o telling them, but that doesn't mean these types of things should be joked about. *sigh* internally upset

Me again. Feeling the need to do something. To go somewhere. To drive, maybe. But I've nothing to do and nowhere to go. I feel gross so I don't exactly want to spend time with people - if I even had anyone to spend time with. What to do what to do. I've considered just going to McDonalds or a takeaway or something - just for something to do, somewhere to go, something tasty to eat - but it would just be temporary relief and then I'd wind up back here... and feeling even more gross and fat.

I feel like I need something to do for NYE. Because I'm going to feel like this tomorrow, only worse. Maybe if I could drive somewhere and park up to have a good view of the fireworks...? I feel the need to go somewhere I could maybe find some beauty in the loneliness, have some kind of spiritual experience...

I'm losing it, people!! I'm actually losing it.

[beauflow]

I just want to give you all hugs


And Hankster-- that is a good thing to look with in about- power of one self- good point to bring up- eek

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by beauflow

I am glad I get to just lazy around and do what I want and whatever! I want to make some jewelery ! There is a 50% sale at a local craft store on the items, I am going there later this Friday Yay!! project!! lol

erm..... need a pocket rider? I depleted the sale at my local craft store yesterday....

[nicoleb2]

i'm feeling weird today. I have energy, but really depressed, slept half the day because i just couldn't manage to function.
I si'd last night, because i deserve to feel some of the pain that i have caused my family.
I just want to disappear

[Ygrec23]

It just hit me today how much bull I've fed to T over the past year. Didn't mean to. Believed what I said. But my thinking! So screwed up and wrong! It's scary. Really scary. I mean I walk around apparently convinced of the reality of completely false things, just perfectly ready to walk into open manholes. The scary part is that conviction of TOTAL CORRECTNESS I have when I'm peddling this bull to T. I wonder if she knows. Because she does ask me, at least some of the time, whether what I'm saying is really true. And I assure her with complete, calm conviction that it's the God's honest truth. I'm not a liar, but a lot of the time I'm living in a different world. Believing it, falsely, to be the real world. So today I was really scared realizing this. I thought I was doing well with T and getting better and here I'm playing in traffic without the slightest idea where I really am. Oooh.

[kaliope]

Im alive. Still coughing like crazy. Think I have a concussion from rattling my brain so violently with each cough. After two weeks it is not getting any better, nor any worse despite all the sleep i am getting. Today I am starting another four days off.

I went and bought myself a new cell phone today and a box of See's bordeaux chocolates. Yummy. Now I am sitting here in my jammies with my computer in my lap where I will probably stay and play games on PC until I have to return to work on Tuesday. I really have no problem with my solitary life, but sometimes I look at it from an outsiders point of view and think what a sad existance it is.

I think that I might like to drive into the city tomorrow night so that I can see the fireworks for new years, but there will be thousands of people there and i really dont want to deal with the crowds and finding parking and driving around drunks so that deters me, so i will probably end up staying home. But i would love to see the fireworks.

Hugs to all............

[beauflow]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

erm..... need a pocket rider? I depleted the sale at my local craft store yesterday....

lol which type of pocket rider

I went to the craft store- ended up spending more Time There than I wanted to cuz I got stores confused--- geez like looking around and being like where is this stuff i thought was on sale- then ended up going to another and bam there was the stuffs.

Sigh-- then I realized that I had gotten groceries earlier this week and was simi freaking about crash- i still havent checked my bank account.

and like i have stuff now to do some jewelery but my cat keeps wanting to play with stuff-- so another day i guess... and even the dog sits and is like what is this stuff... lol silly animals.

yesterday i felt awesome, today i feel drained, i don't get this. but eh whatever

So another year is almost past- think this one I can reflect on pretty good I think lol

[Unrigged64072835]

Meh.

Financial planner meeting went okay. We got some stuff done and h didn't smack the guy upside the head when he got long-winded.

H and I talked about some intense subjects this week. He's been through childhood abuse and depression as well. He told me once about the things that happened to him, but he doesn't openly dwell on it. I think he's starting to understand why I do the things I do instead of being perplexed and feeling inadequate. He emphasizes finding balance and not swinging to extremes, though, especially with interacting with our daughter. I know what he's talking about, but I haven't gotten there yet.

T was kind of painful. Dealing with things that scared me as a kid (aside from my parents and brother). Some of it sounds really silly now because they were never meant to be scary, but at the time when I saw and heard those things I couldn't even be in the same room. There were times when I would even run out of the house screaming and crying my head off. Strange.

Saw my neighbor friend and her daughter yesterday. They cracked us up. H picked up her two laptops and is trying to salvage info off of one of them before the hard drive totally tanks out. My friend is definitely not computer savvy, but h was very patient and explained things to her. I had a big ball of anxiety about contacting her, but I'm glad I bit the bullet and saw her.

Enjoying the last bit of time off before I have to go back to work next week. At least it's only four days.

[kaliope]

[quote=Fharraige;2172279]Meh.

T was kind of painful. Dealing with things that scared me as a kid (aside from my parents and brother). Some of it sounds really silly now because they were never meant to be scary, but at the time when I saw and heard those things I couldn't even be in the same room. There were times when I would even run out of the house screaming and crying my head off. Strange.
quote]

Fharraige- As adults we look at these things from adult perspective and they can look very silly, but as children, we did not have this perspective and it was very scary and very threatening because we had not the skills to protect ourselves and typically no one available to protect us. And now we want to judge ourselves for being weak instead of looking at this child thru the eyes of compassion for having no one and no where to turn for love and protection. We must love this little person for all the fear she carries.

I had a bad night last night. Up coughing all night long. When will this end? No plans for new years. Just sitting here playing games on Pc as i do everynight I guess. Maybe i will go rent some movies. I dont know. I havent showered so i dont really want to go out in public but i dont really have the energy to shower.

Hugs and Happy New Year to all!

Never liked New Year's Eve - this one is no different. Getting out of the house to run some errands & shop. Retail therapy ALWAYS works! Tomorrow is another day..... thank heavens.

[delicatefade26]

Today has been really really good...I'm thanking God for this shift in my attitude about living life! My family helped me organize my apartment today-and bought me a mircrowave! Now we are having a nice dinner and going to have fun tonight for New years!

[WePow]

I was social today. That is always a challenge. My T told me I have resources. Him saying that is running OCD circles in my brain. I woke up this AM knowing he is right and then thinking "Maybe that is why I feel so heavy all the time? I have too many resources and need to rid myself of all ties!" I think odd things like that at times anyway. So I spent a lot of time tossing out stuff and giving stuff away. I think I will continue to do that the new year. Maybe that will make me feel less heavy?

Sometimes when a person has too much of something, it acts like a millstone around them. I know I am blessed with my rescources, but I feel like such a complete fool as I don't know how to use them. The fellows at work are smart and people tell me I am smart, but I can't use my brains to study or promote my skills. I lack all desire to compete or advance. It is difficult enough to wake up each day and look around me at how blessed I am and feel so ashamed of myself for being so blessed and still hating the fact that I woke up.

Now I feel like my T is just verbalizing what I have always known about my resources but what causes me the most shame of all. What is wrong with a person who can be given the entire world and all the blessings in it but they have complete poverty of spirit?

Not the best day, but I went out of my way to achieve something tonight. When better than new year's eve, when the roads are deserted, to drive on the motorway for the first time on my own?! I've always been scared to since passing my test over a year ago, but tonight I decided to 'feel the fear and do it anyway!' I didn't go far, just a couple of junctions in each direction (before and after midnight) and some general driving in between, but I'm really proud of myself! I'm glad I did this, that I managed to do something tonight that meant something to me. It was great to see all the fireworks going off all around at midnight, and the sky was full of chinese lanterns when I got back into town.

Starting 2012 as I mean to go on. As someone recently put it, I'm 'claiming my power!'

Hope this year brings positive change for us all xxx

Today was a beautiful day! The sun was out and it motivated me to get some cleaning done. I feel pretty rested and ready to go back to work this week. I may change my mind the first day the kids are back when I have 26 students to care for!

[nicoleb2]

I want to go to bed, and stay there forever. I'm just tired of dealing with anything and everything

It has been a wonderful evening. My husband and I went out to eat and then to see Les Miserables downtown. It was amazing and moving and a really fine production. The opera house is quite a facility; we've never been there before (it's relatively new). Now I'm just trying to wind down so I can sleep; it may take awhile.

The only problem the last few days is that the constant nausea has set it again. I'm thinking it is a side effect issue again which is really disappointing and frustrating. I'll go without that particular med tomorrow and see how my stomach responds. It will be a little trial and error for a few days while I get this figured out.

Happy New Year's to everyone.

[nicoleb2]

I have my t appointment on Tuesday. I am not looking forward to it.
I have to admit to her that I am a failure. I have SI'd twice in the two weeks since I have seen her.
I have wanted to SI even more.
I don't know how to tell her the things I need to tell her. I've told very few people about one specific thing, and I don't know if I can get myself to tell her.
I know that t's are not supposed to be judgemental, but this is such a divisive issue, that I am scared to tell her what I did. I don't want her to judge me the way some people do.

[kaliope]

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY

My bipolar friend who used to talk me into going to Denny's at 1am for hash browns and eggs called tonight to chat and by 10 had convinced me to drive to reno to see the fireworks at midnight. so i threw on my pants and a hoodie over my jammie top, and i was on the highway within ten minutes. The road construction in reno scared the crap out of me, anxiety horrible, these tiny little lanes with those concrete barriers so close on one side and cars right on top of me on the other made me wish i had taken a klonopin. we were lucky enough to find parking close (a reserved spot in a medical plaza no one else was brave enough to take, but seriously its saturday, the business is closed) and we were downtown in the middle of the street by 1145. The fireworks were frickin AWESOME! I just love fireworks and these were like the best I have ever seen. And I am like standing there thinking how miserable my life has been and how this very moment, standing there in the middle of the street with thousands of people, but feeling as if it is just me, with all those beautiful lights, how the awesomeness of this moment makes up for everything. I guess that is the closest to mindfulness that i am ever going to get.

Have a great first day of 2012 everybody.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by WePow

The fellows at work are smart and people tell me I am smart, but I can't use my brains to study or promote my skills.

Anxiety will do that to you.

Two more days until I see my T. I can go without talking to him that long. He's on a plane today, so no calling him today. He'll be in sessions all day tomorrow, so no calling him tomorrow. Then I see him the next morning. I can do this. I have friends. I have a real life. I can get a grip. I can. I can.

Got to sleep around 5am, reluctantly got up at 10. The tiredness seemed to exacerbate my anxiety, and I found it difficult to get myself out of a bad mood when things did not go to plan this morning. Just about managed to refrain from having a temper tantrum, and am finally back home - fed and watered (as are my equines for the day) and ready for an early night tonight! Chilling now

[Nelliecat]

After a very late night last night, kids too, didn't feel up to an awful lot today but had my father and stepmother coming for lunch. Did an easy stew and apple crumble and it was actually a really lovely day. My stepmother revealed some stuff about herself and a depressive episode and sui thoughts that I had no clue about. I never would have guessed but then a lot of people were shocked to know I've been depressed on and off for years. She wanted me to know that she completely understands what I've been going through. Neither of my parents get it so she's left me with a bit of a glow in my heart. I know I can talk with her 'properly' now.

[delicatefade26]

Well...nothing lasts forever right...I feel horrible today...and i don't think I'm going to get to see T tomorrow-I haven't heard from him..maybe I should just give up on all this