[ShaggyChic_1201]

I'm back! The program was more than I hoped it would be and I feel so much better. I may be living in a pink cloud, but I'll take it!

To all the people who offered prayers and friendship, I thank you very much. I'm going to be doing a partial hospitalization program beginning Monday, so my computer time will be limited, but I truly missed you all and this forum.

Talk to you soon!
Bubsmiley

[agma]

Had a great session yesterday! I see pdoc tomorrow. My t wants me to do an outpatient group therapy and I can't decide if I am going to do it or not because it would mean taking some time off work.

[kaliope]

Welcome back (((bubsmiley)))! Great to hear things are so well! Great job!

Just some girl...you reminded me i was going to pick myself up some chicken strips from the drive thru after class tonight..damn, i forgot...

Nelliecat...sorry you are struggling with your friend. Your post reminded me of one of the reasons I used to be so adamant about dying so many years ago. I havent thought about that for so long. It makes me recognize how far I have come that I havent thought about that for so long.

Today I feel relatively successful for the work I did. I worked most the day gathering the stats I need to provide my boss as my grant is up for renewal. They are not offering as much money this year. We come up on top every year and we never imagine not getting it, but gosh, what would happen if we didnt. i was 46 shy of meeting my numbers last year but in another category where we said i would provide services to 180, i did over 500 so hopefully that would make up for it.

Also the class i teach started tonight so i will be working late again for the next seven weeks. I had 12 people show up when its usually about 6. It went great. Next week I have another new class starting thurs night.

Feeling better today. Not so anxious. Maybe because I kept so busy.

HUgs to all.

[beauflow]

((BUBSMILEY)) Thank you for coming back and updating us with what is going on- I am glad to read you are doing better;

kaliope I am glad you are feeling better too- I know some of the last posts I read you were under the weather- Perhaps your classes will help you out with some things (i.e. a good distraction or production maybe?)

Everyone- I did read your posts but as WePow says- sometimes I just don't know what to say or the energy.

-------------------
I talked the other day with my boyfriend- personal life is getting better now- I hope this was the step that i needed to take- Sadly yes I re-posted a more detailed thing in the PTSD section-- In some ways I am glad to share that part of me with you all here on PC due to maybe someone else can read it, relate, and get what I am saying-
I was really scared of my boyfriend leaving me, or we fighting- not us talking and him saying he understands and will work on it- He has done this in the past but I felt this was such a big issue- i have a lot things on it from the past, so I was not sure if I was just being a whinny woman or was valid- My boyfriend reassures me I was valid on this. He does not understand my fear with things and thinking some times but that is ok-

As far as work- F U C K I T... I went by procedures the other day and both things my supervisor comes backs with complaints; saying I was doing things wrong, saying that I did this when clearly I DID Not and it was well explained.

Lead (boyfriend sadly and some times i think this is bad) he tried to fix this with pointing out with what the supervisor missed and highlighted areas of where i was right.

In a personal email to me- I replied back on it to everyone and was like the whole team should know this if this is a problem now that I am doing for some reason, now it is an issue.--- OK It was not ranty it was more structured and I was trying get her to be clear on what the hell she is saying.
In addition- I don't think she looked at any of the emails or even read them fully. so f u c k it- I know don't curse but that is the only way right now that i can express how i feel.

She wants us to be detailed- so as I am sure some of you can read in some posts- I can be detailed (very). It is partially in nature on me being detailed- it may have to do with PTSD as well due to I feel i have to explain myself.
Either way she says she likes that; But YET when you are detailed- SHE DOES NOT READ IT... then she gets confused, or she takes parts and leaves out the rest---
p i s s e s me off so badly. I started to cry to day.

At least I had another group member of not my team but support- say that he likes how I do my job, I am very clear, I am knowledgeable and go by the procedures and if the bosses don't like it- he is sorry but he and other see what I do... I am a little shocked by this. Some one else notices.

So for today- whatever- I am sort of done with this job- I think this year will be the year I fall in the slums of what everyone else does for i am sick of being yelled out, treated like a dumby by some, and being ignored for what I do- Like I mentioned some where else- it is like re-traumatizing me with work that is- I try my damnedest to do things right, almost try to be perfect and get yelled at- now it is not work's fault that I do this and take it seriously but when others see how I get treated and others see how it is-- then it is a problem. I am not a punching bag.
Need to go to school even if that means 2 more years at this job before graduating with what I want to go for.

Any who-- I probably have wrote enough. oh wait one more thing

But it snowed here in Co, the temps are dropping, and it will be icy this coming morning--- And another shocker-- I DROVE TO WORK TODAY....
My Boyfriend told me it would be ok- to do it--- I was a little short with him before i left for I was afraid to drive and was having anxiety so I got snappy; it was nerve racking driving- it was scary for me and i went slow-On top of it Fog came about- but I made it. called him when I got in and told him that it is ok that he said to drive-- for it is a fear of mine when it snows and the fog and ice and all (i have a lot of hang ups on it), and I need to do some good with facing this fear and even if I just drive some days in the snow it is better than letting that fear totally beat me up and consume me. Right?

[Nightlight]

The past 3 years I've seen T weekly. I've also seen a second T once every two to three weeks. I'm pretty sure that next week will be my final appointment with T2. I can't even think about it without crying. Nobody sees me cry, I'm not okay with that...I just can't. How do I get through my appointment with T2 next week...How is it possible when the very thought breaks me into a million tiny pieces. How is this okay?

[Nelliecat]

Yeah, well, this is it really.

[mommyof2girls]

********UGH*********

[nicoleb2]

I am wanting so badly to call my t again. To tell her that I didn't SI yesterday, but instead I took a pain med, not for pain, but to add to the effects of my sleep meds. I needed so bad to escape, and I still do.
I am afraid that if I call t, she's going to want me to go to the hospital, and I can't. I cannot go there again.

It's not been a good day. I've been trying to hold on to the good mood I was having, but I have all this confusion going on. I feel like I can't think clearly. I've felt quite numb today, really. Then I got a letter saying I'm not entitled to benefits - because apparently depression and anxiety aren't debilitating enough, or something. I can TOTALLY go and get a job, clearly... Am not looking forward to having to sort all that out. I'm sure it'll involve complicated paperwork and phonecalls and I don't know what I'm doing, I just want it all to go away, I don't want to deal with it. I just want to stay in bed.

I feel so worthless. Hopeless. Nothing ever gets any better, not really. I've just been kidding myself.

And to make it worse I don't think I can reach out again, not now. I don't know what I'd even say. I don't know what to do, I don't know what will help, I don't know I don't know I don't know...

Yeah. I think my good mood has gone.

What now?

[crazycanbegood]

I really want a firearm license so I can protect myself. I hope my 72 hour hold from 12 years ago does not block me. :/

[Unrigged64072835]

Hi--not saying much lately. Just trying to prepare myself to talking to T tomorrow about bad things I had done in the past. Kinda did a dry run with h--he did similar things as a kid so he gets it. Don't know if T will, but I hope he does. I've been sort of one-sided with describing my childhood, and I feel I should balance it out.

Other than that it has been a very boring week. Not a lot at work and I've been picking my daughter up from school early because she's doing midterm exams this week. Snow and ice tomorrow so hope the kids and parents will be safe on the roads.

Other than that--blah, just blah. Want to hibernate until spring!

[kaliope]

Crazycanbegood--I dont know if its a state to state thing....but i was wondering the same thing....i was wanting a gun when i was feeling suicidal several months ago......and was wondering if my legal 2000 from four years ago was gonna show up on the background check and i was told it wouldnt.

spent my day doing stats for my grant again. working with a couple challenging clients. i am surprising myslef on just how "impressive" i am doing with my clients this past week to the point that I am thinking that maybe things arent quite right. i mean, i wanna say i kicked a s s spelling out class last night, things have never gone down that smoothly in the 10 years i have been teaching this class. I always forget to introduce something, i always have to backtrack, stumble here or there, but its like everything lately seems to be falling into place too perfect. could I be experiencing the grandiosity of mania? today i just started feeling like everything is just going too good and someone is going to come in and knock me down a peg. tell me i have no business doing what i am doing.

looking forward to going out sunday night with the girls. going to see a band, get wasted. havent been out partying or out in general since the beginning of July. my coworker tells me tonight, because she loves me and wants me to be prepared, that since i have lost so much weight, that i need to be prepared to have guys hitting on me. i never know what to make of this. i always receive this silent message that i wasnt worthy to have guys hitting on me before which is what i believed anyway, but somehow it is different having it affirmed. and i dont know how i feel about the idea of being hit on either. am i prepared for it? i guess i will find out. but it did work me up enough to decide to go buy some new clothes, but the store hardly had anything at all. i did get a new pair of jeans, one size smaller and work pants and a new top. ive decided to go shpping on saturday.

my pdoc office called to reschedule my appt. it was supposed to be wed with a new pdoc. apparently they havent hired one yet. now my appt is feb 13. i get so anxious over all the new docs. i dont even know how many i have had now, but this was the first time i was prepared for a new one and then they go do this. all that frustration came back and nearly made me cry again.

well, to everybody struggling. big hugs...

[nicoleb2]

Feeling really cruddy right now. Called my pdoc today to find out if I should continue my new med since I am having tachycardia, but nobody called back.
My hands and feet are so cold, they hurt.
I don't know if I should keep taking my new med, or what the hell i should do

Er, well. What a mess. I was a whiny self-pitying passive-aggressive ***** and emailed my T again - then she phoned me back - which scared the crap out of me because I've never spoke to her on the phone, but it was okay. She just tried to give me some constructive advice as to how to deal with the benefits thing, ie: appeal. I'm glad she called, and she said I could call her back if I needed to talk, but I feel like enough of a nuisance already so I probably won't. I say that now...

After a couple hours uncontrollable sobbing and screaming and writhing around in some kind of emotional pain, I went to the Citizens Advice Bureau and they filled in the relevant forms for me, and will back me if this thing goes to a tribunal. This is all so scary. I had a bit of a strop because I felt like the woman was patronising me, and then I ended up blubbing and snotty and half my makeup coming off. Attractive.

I'm trying not to act impulsively, because I'm having some pretty dark thoughts. Staying away from sharp objects. I don't really trust myself at the moment. Things feel very bleak, and I feel so powerless, so vulnerable, so out of place in this world. This too shall pass, though, right? I have a feeling these next few days are going to be tough.

[Unrigged64072835]

Happy Friday the 13th....pffft.

Neighbor friend posted on FB that she was going overseas for a certain length of time. Just freaked out because she promised to start taking my daughter to school next week. Stayed in a low-level panic all day until tonight when daughter said it was another one of those breast cancer awareness things...and no, I did not get the letter stating what the current "game" was. Felt like an absolute heel.

Enroute to pick up daughter from school and my low tire pressure light comes on. I'm hoping that I don't have a flat tire while I'm waiting in line. Finally got home to find my tires are all 10 pounds low. Pulled out my little compressor and it didn't work, then called h to come home so I can use his. Took me over 1/2 hour to properly inflate all the tires. By then it made no sense to go back to work and vulture for a parking spot when I was going to turn around and leave to go to T.

I probably could've used all of T to vent my frustrations, but instead I pressed forward about the memories that I've been dreading to tell all week. Once again I didn't cry but I sighed more than usual. T validated me and explained how it all fit into the cycle of abuse that occurred. He also said to have some mercy on myself. Okay...maybe...got home and talked to h about it and he started to cry. Now why can't I do that? I'm really wondering if it's the meds.

After dinner daughter mentioned that another girl at her old school was pregnant. Last year one of her classmates was pregnant as well. H was very quiet. After daughter had left he told me about a girl he dated in high school who ended up getting involved in drugs and got pregnant. Turned out she, her kid and her boyfriend were sitting in a parked car on the train tracks and got hit by a train, killing all three of them.

So now I'm going to shut up and go to bed before anything else happens.

[kaliope]

today was a difficult day between clients and having to get my grant done. then in the middle of it all i get paged to hear that my son is in the lobby, but the secretary is kinda being questioning because she didnt realize i had another son and she didnt know this one. I havent seen him in over a year, he is in the navy and next week will be leaving for japan. so this was a pleasant surprise in the middle of a very busy day. he had his wife with him. we went to dinner tonight. he is in one of his rare goofy moods that i like to see. he is normally so serious. i worry how much i have screwed him up and made him so serious and responsible and excelling in everything he does. but they are very happy together and doing well in life and make good choices so hopefully there is no long term damage. very happy to be expecting a baby. so a good end to a hectic day.

hugs to all.............

It has been a mixed bag today. I had to work in the morning just to get grades submitted but had the rest of the day off. I'm starting to feel a bit under the weather which is a drag. I had being sick. I've started on some meds to try to nip it in the bud before it takes hold.

Last night my husband and I and the boys all went to see War Horse. It is beautifully filmed. The story is lovely. I cried multiple times (you get very involved in these horses). Interesting WWI history.

Tonight my husband and I went to see The Iron Lady about Margaret Thatcher. Meryl Streep is a remarkable actress. She was Prime Minister when I was fairly young still, so the history was interesting since I wasn't terribly tuned into it when it was actually happening.

I saw T yesterday. We are butting heads a bit because he is trying to teach me about something that would probably be very helpful if I would be a lot less stubborn and resistant. Topic to be continued (unfortunately).

[nicoleb2]

Frustrated today. I finally got a call back from pdoc's office. At first, they were telling me to just keep taking my latest med, I was just having side effects that would take another week and then start tapering off.
I asked at what point I should become concerned about the tachycardia, or should I just not care. All of a sudden, I was told to stop taking the med and talk to pdoc at my Feb 23rd appt. I told them that wouldn't work, that's too long to wait... so we'll see what happens now.
Aside from the med problems, not a lot going on for me. A lot of anxiety because of the tachycardia

[beauflow]

((HUGS all))

SO-- Same old thing, different day with work:
I feel emotionally drained here- I get so worked up for people not reading and telling me I am wrong when I do right- Just to turn around a few days later to say - I did that correct

Whatever- I am trying to be that floating leaf ya know-- That floating leaf that says whatever, just take care of yourself- forget the rest... do what i need to do for me... It is very hard with my job for some reason- I have been trying very hard with that, it is a working progress.

As far as home life and me--
I have been like sleeping 2 to 3 hours and then getting up with energy and doing stuff, racing thoughts, and so on-- The last 2 or 3 days I have been doing this-- and get aggravated with things as I do... but as I said I am trying best to let go of things-- it is so hard though at times-- and I don';t what to do about the sleep and waking up- it is just how I am some times.

This weekend should be good, Friday afternoon/evening before work while up buzing around, I cleaned up the house, did laundry-- I like this- This gives me the weekend with out worrying to do it Monday. (I tend to obsess over it when not doing it over the weekend in my mind--- so this weekend I wont )

And Saturday evening going to have dinner with the boyfriend's parents- His mom had texted me last week if we wanted to come over that weekend, but my boyfriend had made some plans for ourselves that i asked for a rain check ..... I am glad and a little surprised she texted me to ask-- Good sign right?

As far as therapy thinking: I keep wondering if I should bring up to T about my Tuesday talk with my boyfriend and in regards to what it was-- It was one of the reasons (of many) that I started therapy- and the last depression that lasted for 2 months for me was stemmed from this- but I talked/wrote actually but communicated fully of my emotions and got it out, and feel so much better now- and working on the problem with my boyfriend.

My issue with bringing this up to T- is I will have to Tell T that I LIED on her sheet that she has me fill out at the beginning of session ( I must admit I do this a lot with out meaning to really but some times in the back of my head i think I just lied on that sheet- which helps neither me nor her)

I think T could tell I was not a 99% on being well for myself last Monday-I also think T could tell that what we were talking about (work) was not my issue as well....-

But I think I might- even though it will be me admitting I lied to her and on her sheet; but I did not want to talk about it all- for it is so hard to talk about- I will write it out, T some times takes my notes that I write for session when I have trouble talking out loud about stuff- which is nice.

I do have some time to think about this-- T needs to reschedule appt due to she forgot she had a meeting when she scheduled me-- IDK why I did not take the day after, but instead took the following week after... I think it is due to our last session was what I call "One of those sessions of WTH do I go to therapy?"..and .the closes would be a Tuesday and I have been doing Mondays (sort of like throwing a wrench into my routine; which some times upsets me).

but whatever-- I think I will- I think I will write it out today, so I don't change my mind latter and don't do it then think I should had after words

Be well all and all hugs!

[WePow]

Things have been very strange inside me since the new year. I have done some heavy EMDR work, one piece around one of the more painful experiences involving socialization issues. I am very glad to have processed through that big block of stuff, but I know there are deeper roots to my social issues.

I am going to a work function next week where I will be social again with people. I did one in December, but Lord only knows what was in my head when I tod my boss I would like to try to go to more of them! But I am feeling myself internally really resisting these changes. That is one of the reasons why I have not been on PC much. I feel myself pushing away again from co-workers; There is one man at work who has been like a big brother to me through the worst parts of my breakdown, but for the past two weeks I am INTENTIONALLY avoiding him. If I go out and see him on the roof, instead of rushing over to hug him the way I have always done, I turn around and go back into the door hoping he didn't even see me.

Even my very best friend in the world (one of my few friends) sent me an email yesterday flat out tellling me that I have been changing the subject the past few weeks when she asks me how I am doing. I know I am doing it too! I wrote her back and just stated flately that I didn't want to talk about it. My tone was almost mean even though that was not my conscious attempt.

Even with my brothers, they have happened to be over at my folks house a few times when I called the past few weeks and I never talk with them much as it is, but when they got on the phone, I found a way to very quickly get off the phone. I know they must have picked up on that!

About the only person I am not pushing away is my T. And that is not because I don't want to do so. I see him Monday but it was very hard for me to keep from emailing and saying I wanted to skip next week. The only reason I didn't do that was because I know all of what I am feeling and doing just doesn't feel right for me. I don't feel like I am in danger in a crisis way. This just feels like it is more permanent of a cutting off from society.

Maybe a part of it is because I keep wishing 2012 will be the last year ever! Not that I want it to be the last year for everyone, just my last year. I emotionally feel like I am so exhausted with my life that I just can't do this one more year. That is another reason I wanted to just stop therapy. My T says he won't give up on me, but what if I have already given up on myself? I am just waisting his time and energy if that is the case. He can use my time to help people who have a future instead of someone with one foot in the grave.

IDK. This state is just very strange place for me. My T has been working on having me stay present in my emotions rather than dissociating. Maybe these strange feelings that I can't even name are what I was avoiding as a child? I can't even think of a word to match what I feel at the bottom. Lonely would be close, but this is not a desire to connect. It is not fear of being hurt, but it is a sense of needing to avoid others. It is flight at a primative level. Uggg. I really should EMDR this but he will ask for an image to use and I can't even put one into words.

THIS emotion and all that ties with it feels like it is from being a newborn.
It is a very odd skin pain type of avoidance and a need to just be left the heck alone! The need to go back into a cave (the womb?) .... to avoid the "stuff" that is now invading my fricking space!!!

Ugg. That is it. I feel it all over my whole body. Thanks guys. I knew it would help if I came here and just started to share. Thank you so much!

I think I'm actually okay. I have this strange sense of calm since I woke today... Maybe I am getting better? After all? That these awful moods can't seem to consume me for very long has to be a good sign, right? Makes me feel a little silly though, and totally embarrassed over things I said and did during my latest little freak-out. I'm sure I used to keep a lid on it better... but then, I used to use ways of coping that I'm trying not to use anymore.

Anyway, I am off to the cinema this evening with mum - who has agreed to come and see The Iron Lady with me. A pretty big deal, because usually we don't do what I want, we do what she wants. She wanted to watch War Horse, but I had a feeling it would get me all emotional, and, as I said to her, "I'm spending good money trying not to feel sad..." I just don't think I could cope watching a tearjerker right now, especially if there are horses involved. I'm only assuming the Maggie Thatcher movie isn't a tearjerker... I was very young when she was in power, so to echo what farmergirl said, it'll be interesting for me to see this. Plus, Meryl! You can't go wrong with a Meryl Streep movie. (Yes, I liked Mamma Mia )

[nicoleb2]

I feel... off today. My pulse is still not going down, even though I took my last dose of imipramine yesterday. I am hoping that in the next few days, my pulse will go back to normal. If it doesn't, I'm going to have to look at the other meds I am on, though I have been on all of them for over a month.
If it's not meds causing it, I don't even want to think about what else it could be
I see my T on monday, which is probably a good thing given what my mood has been this week.

Last night turned out to be nice. It was a good movie, more moving and emotional than I anticipated... Mum really enjoyed it too, and for once we had something to talk about besides horses! It was my idea to see this movie, and mum asked if we were going in my car - so I drove us, and then she handed me the money at the box office for me to get the tickets, almost like 'this is your area, I'm not sure what I'm doing.' So I guess that was a little weird. Okay so I go to the cinema a lot and she doesn't, but she has been before. It just seemed like a bit of a role reversal. I was the organiser, the leader, the confident one? Did I take charge or did she put me in charge? Now I think about it I don't think this is the first time this has happened...

I've had a pretty lazy day today. Seen a fair amount of Topgear repeats... Pretty numbed out I guess. Lately I'm never sure what kind of mood I'll wake up in! (And then odds are it'll have changed by the end of the day...) Not sure if this is a good thing, ie: not being consistently miserable - or whether it means I'm becoming unstable!

Driving myself a bit mad with my own laziness. Or is it procrastination. I do get things done, I just feel miserable about them for ages and then there's no time to do anything nice.

Going to find it hard to juggle ordinary life demands with work stuff with therapy stuff in the next few days. There are some weeks when therapy is all I can think about, and I wish I was busier. And then others when I really want to keep therapy in the forefront of my mind, and be prepared for the session, but I get taken over by everyday life.

[agma]

Work is going to be very busy this week. I am nervous because I don't get to see my t this week due to scheduling conflict. Hopefully my mood continues to stay up since it is much easier to tolerate all the crap at work. I am going to try for another SI free work week.