[nicoleb2]

I am having major anxiety issues. I've never had anxiety this bad before. Occasional panic attacks, but not non-stop anxiety. I don't know how to deal with this.
Less suicidal thoughts yesterday than I have been having, so that's good. Lots of si urges still though.
Tired of the constant med changes and fighting a hopeless battle

Feeling a bit dazed, I guess. The awful mood has lifted somewhat(!) and I'm sort of left thinking 'what was that all about?' Hoping I can hold on to this current calm... or even trade up?

It seems like ages since therapy, but it was only yesterday. I'm loving that I now officially have permission to email, though - even crazy rambling emotional email! (I wasn't sure...! ) I will try not to abuse that privilege (...!) but it's nice to know. I like to be able to communicate my thoughts in a written format sometimes, some things just make more sense written down... or, IDK, I can seem a little smarter that way? Almost coherent? Sometimes!

[agma]

I was having a good week until today. Today was horrible. I missed not seeing my t this week. Next Tuesday can't come fast enough.

[SoupDragon]

Anxiety overwhelming this week - after a couple of months of no SI - it was all I had that worked to reduce the overwhelm - but then a double dose of beat blockers helped, but was also reminded of those sui thoughts - they are manageable right now, but I hate them waving at me, letting me know that they are there still. T said to contact him if I needed support or the stuff we are exploring couldn't wait until nexy session and I didn't contact him :-(

Feel such a failure - why do I have to be back here again - I am making myself write this - but in fact I just want to crawl away somewhere and not have to see anyone - I feel if my next T session goes badly, then I shall not be able to see T again. Ahhhh! I hate feeling this way.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Feel such a failure - why do I have to be back here again - I am making myself write this - but in fact I just want to crawl away somewhere and not have to see anyone

It is under the greatest adversity that there exists the greatest potential for doing good, both for oneself and others. Dalai Lama

[nicoleb2]

I'm not as actively suicidal as I have been in the last couple of weeks, but the thoughts are still there. I can't get myself to do anything. I can't get off my ***, and frankly, I don't really care. I just don't want to exist anymore. I quit

[WePow]

Well, the past two days have been very interesting for sure. I am still taking things just one NOW at a time. Some stuff happened with work and in the social setting that would have sent me into a tailspin, but I am still outside myself just watching. It is a very good thing. I am still inside feeling but it is very different now.

Last night I had a dream that my T was yelling at me about something. I turned and just walked away. I am not sure what that dream means, but it was good to be the one in charge of my emotions. Not allowing a person in authority to manipulate my sense of self worth. Ah. Think I just figured out my dream :-)

At work I just allowed things to be whatever they were. There is a solid sense of balance inspite of my feeling outside my body. There is no more sorrow about the past. And no anger either. I have even less desire of having any goals at all though. LOL. In fact, it feels like I have disconnected from all outcomes in all areas of this reality.

After being overloaded with thinking and feeling and running from everything, this feels like my soul has finally had the chance to just sit still.

My T suggested last session that I draw something daily, try and represent the way I'm feeling on paper. Kind of like an art journal I guess. I didn't want to do it, but I guess I came around to the idea. Anything artistic is kinda difficult for me at the moment because I'm struggling with what it means to me these days and I have all sorts of problems needing it to be 'perfect' and hating what I create, but I guess I have to 'work through' that, right? I started it today but I already feel like I'm doing it wrong... right now I don't even know if I feel my feelings so how do I represent them with colours and shapes? In the end I've done a sort of self portrait... I've already stuck dates to a bunch of pages so I can't rip pages out - because I totally would, and then drive myself crazy by doing some days over! I already have the urge to destory today's effort, so I think it's a good thing I 'can't'...

Why did I decide to do this?! Bl**dy T and her bl**dy ideas!

I think it will turn out to be a good thing... in the end. Maybe it will unblock my creativity? And my emotions? Shabba...

I haven't got much else done today. My benefit has been stopped for the time being, no idea if/when they'll start paying it again... so that's a worry... but I'm trying not to think about it. I hate to think it'll make me even more reliant on my reluctant parents. It just plain sucks. But, la la la la la la la not thinking about ittttttt!!!

I have the sniffles too...

On the bright side I think I maybe lost at least a couple of all the extra lbs I put on?! Booyah.

I am so tired. We only had 4 days of school this week, but it felt like 7. Why is it that short weeks always feel so long?

We had a call this afternoon from my middle son's best friend. He doesn't live in our town anymore, but he has kept up with my son via the phone. His mother had a heart attack yesterday and another one today. He needed a place to crash for the weekend since it is only him and his mom at home. His Godmother spoke to me to get directions to our house. I don't know why they didn't take him in, but I'm not all that surprised. I don't think his life is very secure and stable. I think his mom does the best she can, but she is disabled and they move around a lot.

So, we have an additional son this weekend. In fact, right now the number of boys in our house has doubled to 6 as my oldest has his two best friends over tonight also. Good thing I love teenagers! (I need to go to the grocery store, quick!)

I feel really bad for this young man. His dad died a few years ago. I'm sure he's really scared. Maybe we can give him a bit of security for a day or so.

[ShaggyChic_1201]

Doing a partial hospitalization program for my eating disorder and depression at a state hospital. I've been in denial about how bad things were for so long that this is a huge shock for me. I keep thinking "I should be over this by now...it happened a long time ago...I should know how to eat normally by now" and a million other shoulds. Instead, I am distressed by how full I still feel 4 hours after my meal and want to purge in the worst way (but won't), so I don't get fat.

[kaliope]

permission to whine....i dont want to be crazy...i dont want to take meds

stop the music, i want off the merry go round

[notz]

permission granted.

[beauflow]

Originally Posted by kaliope

permission to whine....i dont want to be crazy...i dont want to take meds

stop the music, i want off the merry go round

I feel the same way.

I am so tired of me and everything around me- I am the causer of my stress by how I think and how i act and NO ONE UNDERSTANDS Me that is around me in Real Life-- It is enough to be fed up and give up.

But sadly we gotta to keep trying- but that is not so sad right-- there is some good that comes out of keep trying---

[Unrigged64072835]

Arrgh...

Still feel rather unstable from T Thursday, so I took Friday off to calm down. Finally calmed down from our friend's email when my teenage daughter's new friend's mom called. Apparently my daughter and her friend were joking around and said some things that were rather crude, then her mom picks up her cell phone and reads it. D'oh!! So her mom is freaking out, the girls are freaking out, my husband freaked out last night, and I'm trying really hard not to freak out too. Why is it the "crazy" one is the one who tries the hardest to say sane?? Meanwhile I'm stuck at home until this girl's mom calls and I've got things to do before the weather really craps out.

An alternative universe sounds really good right about now...

[notz]

Stuck in resentment

I called my HMO today but they are closed. I am having an emergency and they are closed. I cannot speak with someone until Monday.

My employer changed HMOs effective Jan. 1. My T is not a participant in this plan but I have been able to continue seeing him through a transitional provision. Best T I've ever had. He properly recognized my issues and the nature of treatment required. Now, T advised yesterday that the HMO will not cover visits to him because he does not meet their qualification requirements. He will continue seeing me through the end of the month but after that I will have to pay on my own. I am in very bad emotional shape and even hospitalized myself a few months ago. I am also not working and am trying to recover from months of harrassment at work. When I tried to stand up for myself, I was fired. And, they are giving me bad references so that no one will hire me when my work was very good - there was just too much of it. I am suffering from PTSD, anxiety and depression. My life is a disaster. And, soon I will not have a T.

[nicoleb2]

My kids are driving me crazy!!!! I hate trying to get my kids to do homework!

[kaliope]

Originally Posted by beauflow

I feel the same way.

I am so tired of me and everything around me- I am the causer of my stress by how I think and how i act and NO ONE UNDERSTANDS Me that is around me in Real Life-- It is enough to be fed up and give up.

But sadly we gotta to keep trying- but that is not so sad right-- there is some good that comes out of keep trying---

I had written that i wanted to whine, tht i was tired of meds, that i didnt want to be crazy any more. And youre right beauflow, I am the causer of my stress on this. I have been going for quite some time not stressing on this, peacefully taking my meds, plodding along in my silent little life. And I have been so stable for so long it seems. taking my meds because of the fear of what was, not wanting to go back to that mess, that disaster, that hospital. and the meds worked and i didnt have a care in the world and i took my pills, went to work, came home to my isolation, took my pills went to bed and repeated the next day. but then the new pdoc didnt like that pill and he convinced me to get off it. and since then life has been more like i have been in like a giant life raft at sea. its big and its solid so i still feel safe but im also feeling somewhat jostled around. little waves here and there, not feeling like having a solid surface to stand on. on haldol, things didnt really matter. now, things take hold and bother me. like being crazy.

Couldn't be bothered getting out of bed until late this afternoon. Couldn't even be bothered reading, listening to music, or watching TV. I accessed PC via the wifi on my iPod for a little while but then I just rolled over and went right back to sleep.

I thought I might have heard off my mum, I usually go to her house for tea on a Saturday, but I didn't - so I didn't. I guess we're still not speaking after I ran away crying on Tuesday. Oh well. I shouldn't have expected to hear from her. But, I'm not going to be the one crawling back when she's the one who was insensitive and upset me. If she can't understand why she upset me then... well. Why should I even try anymore? I can't hold up our relationship on my own. Not going to force myself on her any longer.

I feel so apathetic and empty today. That might be why I caved in tonight and had a takeout and chocolate. Spent some time with dad downstairs, and we tried to make conversation. But, I'm not good company right now.

*shrug*

[beauflow]

Originally Posted by kaliope

I had written that i wanted to whine, tht i was tired of meds, that i didnt want to be crazy any more. And youre right beauflow, I am the causer of my stress on this. I have been going for quite some time not stressing on this, peacefully taking my meds, plodding along in my silent little life. And I have been so stable for so long it seems. taking my meds because of the fear of what was, not wanting to go back to that mess, that disaster, that hospital. and the meds worked and i didnt have a care in the world and i took my pills, went to work, came home to my isolation, took my pills went to bed and repeated the next day. but then the new pdoc didnt like that pill and he convinced me to get off it. and since then life has been more like i have been in like a giant life raft at sea. its big and its solid so i still feel safe but im also feeling somewhat jostled around. little waves here and there, not feeling like having a solid surface to stand on. on haldol, things didnt really matter. now, things take hold and bother me. like being crazy.

Kaliope- HUGS-- I don't think one is cause for ALL their stress .. but then again idk-- i controdict myself too often... i can tell others to keep trying but yet I, myself am so fed up and keep telling myself- why keep doing this- I am not trying to say not to try,

but i get at points where why.... I can remember some times of "feeling" safe, ok-- but it always passes and at times, so quickly....then I am all over in my head... and worse yet- after 3 years, I am seeing the toll it is putting on my boyfriend... he says I don't even need to say the plot in my head, I don't need to tell him that I am feeling suicidal -- he sees it in my eyes and my face, and sadly he thinks this is his fault.

I of course with how I was raised, with my mother, can twist this to - he is just worried on how this would look on him, for that is how she was-- she would not kick me out or get me help-- but keep it all hush on my "bad" things for that reflected on her-- I did get enough time last night to get my head out of my *** with that, and told him this: "I think even by myself I would get this way. And if with some else I think it would be worse, cause you (boyfriend) actually talk to me some times, and that can help a whole lot"..
I feel awful with all this-- last week was rather difficult- and I have told him partially of it all that I could remember at that time, things that i am realizing and just so fed up with myself and the pain I put others through....

I have kept trying, trying to be better than past, trying to be better than others in my family with the same dx's as I.. but i seem to keep failing; which I am getting the idea of my one brother-- Failure is not an option with this.... I don't want to be that person that makes everyone worry, feel like crap, feel like they are at fault, feel like they have to walk on egg shells, feel like they have to please me, feel like they have to protect me with every little thing, word, action-- and yet they try and I still go off in the deep end.... I don't want to be that person, but I am realizing with looking at the whole picture I am

I keep getting told not to be so Hard on my self-- what if it is just be honest and truthful with what I see what is going on... what if it is just the blunt truth.. and everyone around is like in this cloud of '' No it is not that bad" for they want it Not to be as it is....

I know things could be worse, I could lose my temper more and be more mean with out holding my tounge-- BUT the thing is , I realize the mean things that go through my head, get at the turning point of not being so mean or aggravated, irratable, so on; and then realize that I just pulled my dr. jeckle and mr. hyde trick (even if no one knew- I know) and I feel horrible, tearing apart, and it gets worse when i twist and through the dahs of "that I lie to myself or this is all illusions"..

I have told myself-- today is a new day, I get fed up with telling my self that soo much- but if that is what keeps me going, I suppose.

To be honest, i think it depends on Therapists and Doctors.. Right now even though I seclude myself to just home, go to work and seclude myself, pet my animals, try to do projects that I like (arts and crafts basically).. this is ok for the county people -= even though therapist knows I am not happy, I wish to do more and am overly agitated with myself (I think she knows at least- i thought i mentioned this)...... But if i went to someone else, they would wonder why I am not doing school, why don't I get me out there, why don't I see friends, why don't i spread the goodness of my mind and heart as I wish...... unless my therapist is with holding some of her thoughts from me; i don't get that much from her.... I wish i had some help with doing this--- and I know a lot of it is ON ME to do; but some times a friendly hand to help get started is all I need to start doing it on my own..

But then I am complex, I say a friendly helping had to help me get started though I can remember countless times where people have tried to do that (friends, co-workers, etc) on other topics, and I feel like they are saying I am "special" and that I need their help, which then i reject- and am like, Iwill do it on my own, you will see...

I am fed up with me... but I am going to try to work again on self acceptance i suppose, try again to change the things i don't like about me.. It is hard when you realize, work on them, come to some part of success then fail again... the falling down, getting back up and falling down, is rather difficult... but I am only 25, I need to remind myself that, even if years go by and I turn out of my worse thoughts, i still need to try,. 25 is too young to give up right?? 95 is to young to give up right?

Kaliope and everyone else, that may or may not understand what I mean or just sees this as a rambling person... i know it is hard, i have doubts with what i try to offer to others--- but i just try to help out.. the keep trying is what my dad always told me, i suppose he is right; at times I will swear he was right... but I don't think it always a waste..

Be well all.. i am sorry for rambling and i did not even talk about what happened last night

I don't know how to ask either--- when do people know they need to go to the hospital... like I have pretty bad thoughts, i even start tapping my vein to bring it up; But i don't feel this is time to go until i actually start cutting and even then I am not the one calling for it... i have been wondering about in patient as well these few days with how I have been feeling, going off the handle and all... but i feel so awesome at times which then pushes all that bad away then I down fall comes which is probably one of the worse but not my worse as in the past.. I suppose this is rapid cycling I get told... but the falls this week have been rather bad, actual planning- NOT safe place area as I am with rage with the thoughts if that makes sense....
I probably will be told- use your crises plan from my therapist-- which is bullsht to me right now.. crises plan, i told her one day- "what if i cant call the people that I listed when in need" she said to call the crises hot line, bs- some stranger tell me don't-- anyone here the ICP song suicide hotline.. I know not to make fun, but some times that is how i feel in parts of that song-- You don't understand, so don't say you do-swear i'll put a mother ****ing slug in you... I think a hot line would make me worse, IF I can't talk to my boyfriend with releaf with things, how is a stranger going to help me out if I wont listen to the one person who gets me a lot?
be well all...

Barely got out of bed today. Went and spent some time with my horse, and then with my ponies. I wish I had more energy for them. Pandora was especially cute and loving today, which isn't particularly like the little firecracker! I almost cried.

I don't know how I can face the future. How I can afford to face the future. Things feel so bleak.

I can't believe it's only Sunday night. Time seems to have slowed down.

[WePow]

I am staying sane. Not dissociated at all this weekend. Did act out but it was different. T says it is not addiction so to heck with trying to not act out. Maybe that is the wrong attitude but IDK. It doesn't matter about that now anyway.
So now I am going to play my game and maybe drink an adult hot coco. LOL. Whatever. There is no more need for me to fight any of it in any way. I have surrendered to life and will let it happen to me however it happens. No more anger. No more battle. Just the Let Go.

Unhappyguy:

I'm so sorry.

[nicoleb2]

I survived a 9 hour girl scout overnight event! Totally did not want to be there, but I survived. Aside from that, I just am...

[crazycanbegood]

ugh, why the freak did I ask for a break from therapy??