[nicoleb2]

Feeling like crap today physically and mentally.

I am at least being productive. A friend of mine's children are being sxually harassed on the school bus and the school isn't doing anything, so I found some info for her on district policies and reporting requirements.

I am seeing more and more that our school district doesn't care about the health and well-being of our kids

[PleaseHelp]

Had a rough night last night. Just flipped out about all sorts of things. Started with finding out the root "reason" that my SO doesn't want to get married. Which makes absolutely no sense to me. The more I tried to understand it and have him explain it to me, the more upset he got saying that there was no other way to explain it and why do I have to understand it. Because I have to understand everything for it to make sense to me. He knows this. I ended up crying and he was trying to be supportive. He started singing "This is the most emotional time of the year.." (to the tune of "this is the most wonderful time of the year") That made me giggle and its SO true.

So I was already on edge about that. Couldn't get myself to calm down. Then it felt like he was purposely pushing buttons and I completely flipped out. Wanted to throw things and break things, stomped around the house, slammed doors, yelled and screamed. When he tried to go downstairs to get away from the yelling I freaked out about being abandoned. He was like you need to take something to calm down, this is ridiculous. Yeah that went over well - not. So I said "should I just take my one prn clonopin or would you like me to take the whole bottle. If I take the whole bottle I should be nice & calm." He watched me take one and then told me to sit my *** down on the couch and not move. I did eventually calm down. But not a good night.

Woke up anxious and feeling useless.

Hugs to all.

[Nelliecat]

Originally Posted by hankster

I would SO not be okay with that! THAT would trigger my gag reflex for sure! I would go NUTS at work when I heard that clipper clicking sound! I just envisioned somebody's disgusting fingernail piecelet flying over the cubicle wall and plashing into my coffee! Yes, I am a licensed manicurist now, but TIME AND PLACE, people, TIME AND PLACE!!!

You make me laugh, that's so funny!


Had an ok day today. Although my 9 year old is not well, she has a virus and spent the afternoon in bed (absolutely unheard of), so I spent the afternoon in bed with her. My H took the other 2 kids shopping so there was some peace and quiet.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Nelliecat

You make me laugh, that's so funny!

you may think it's funny but you should be picturing a bull snorting and pawing the ground and getting ready to charge - maybe just a TINY overreaction on my part? and I wonder why I got fired? (yeah, more than once!) oh hwell! at least I can't hear y'all's nail clippers from here! I did flip out a little over that. I think one of my T's tried that on me one time. Part of it is probably CPTSD - "clipper PTSD" - my mother used to cut my toenails with clippers that were SO COLD, and I was really ticklish - that's about the only repetitive interaction I remember having with her, not pleasant! Hmm...

[beauflow]

ok---

So I just need to rant a little to get this off my chest- I have my solution but I figured I will wait till the New Year to do what I think is best

My rant is that of my brother's friends to which 2 i contacted via email-- 1 contacted back the same day with concern and let me know that she would let me know if she or her husband hears from her-- I appreciate this

The other friend-- I am just completely ignored- which enrages me and I am sorry- but it is not only rude but shows the lack of consideration and the lack of caring.

I have decided to sever ties with this B1tch. I don't like her after getting to know her in the first place-- i understand people have issues, and people work things out, but like her character I just don't like- and all I was asking for was a little direction or if she had heard from him- Needless to say this friend has already lied to me in the past.

I am about to just crack with this- It is so frustrating to me that people are this way-

Oh and you may ask how am i being ignored-- well she has been on the infamous FB and her status and links and stuff is all days after I wrote the email- and she can't write back to say diddle squat.

OK ok maybe I am over reacting with this- but this coupled with 2009 into 2010 from her, and finding out things after words in 2011--- i am just done

what a waste of human flesh- I am sorry- i know that is not kind but really, I understand if they don't want to "deal" with me- but they never had to "deal" with me-- ya know I even one time contacted one of his buds that I did have an issue with (all me on that i realized later but still there was an issue just i liked him and felt rejected so I was a little ***** to him which I apologized for and did not expect us to be friends any more) but this other bud was nice and did respond and let me know that he would let me know if anything and he even met me in court to support my brother and stuff---Common ground is that we care for my brother so let our **** with one another set aside- and we did have an issue. this one chick and her husband have never encountered an "issue" with me-- the only thing that comes to mind is what my brother told them when I left after all his **** with me

I get so mad at this due to I am SPLIT with it-- I love my brother, But Yet there is anger there as well and hurt with the verbal abuse and put downs and making me feel like **** and putting me through hell for a bit before i left.

I love him due to i understand the reasons why he is the way he is and I see the fantastic sides of him as well and that he could be so much better.

Sigh-- SOrry

Other than that I have been grumpy with my boyfriend-- he was to be around when i took this med tonight== he says he still will be just plans are not panning out (work and stuff) which I understand but i still misdirect my anger to him and think he is blaming me for things when he is not. and I am sorry

Deep breaths and trying to just be ok- let these feelings pass, but it is hard when they come back up again.. IDK how to do this and IDK if T can help me with getting this through my thick skull of letting things pass and not arising again.

good lord.

Besides that been just lazy--- I have been working my butt off at work, so I think it is ok to be lazy at *home* here lately

I think I may try to wrap what few gifts there are to wrap now-- that should occupy me till my boyfriend arrives home

Oh and it is snowing--- boo on the snow--- and I don't like it and I am cold and have a head ache-- but yet I am ok--- lol i chuckle at me.

[kaliope]

So I guess I finally broke today. It was sad and scary and I was all alone and I just sat there in my bed and cried because after phoning T to tell him what was happening I had no one.

I called in sick today because I didnt feel right. Ive had this cold I have been fighting but more felt wrong. As I lay in bed and tried to rest, each time I closed my eyes I would get caught up in a "trip" almost as if i were on drugs. there was motion, color. i would be swept away and taken through a story by a narrator. weaving my way thru great architectural buildings. if i opened my eyes the trip would stop. each time i closed them a new trip would begin. i would get lost in these worlds and any thoughts i had became incorporated into them. the people in them where explaining things that needed to be done and why they were doing what they were doing but i dont remember any of this now. i just remember it not being right and how i should call my T. they encouraged me to call T. When I was lost in another world I said that it was almost as if the voices had come back (I use to hear voices) and suddenly a line of cancan girls comes flying out signing 'yes, were back, yes were back. you tried to get rid of us, but were back" Later in the day I sat in my living room asking myself what is wrong with me and it was like my mind just exploded in voices talking over eachother.

T did call me back. he said it sounded like i have a carnival going on in my head. That made me feel good. He told me I should take some prn haldol. the med my pdoc took me off of which made the voices go away these last two years. asked me to continue to check in with him.

this makes me very sad. makes me feel very small and helpless. i dont want voices in my head again. they torment me. they tell me to hurt me. that i dont deserve to live. they chant die b1tch die. they set me up to be hurt. they take pleasure in it. i dont like them at all. i was so glad they were gone.

well, i hope everybody is doing as well as they can be. big hugs.

[nicoleb2]

I'm sick, I'm freaking out because starting next month, health insurance is going to be insanely expensive for me and my family. I have to pay the premiums by the end of the month, but I have no spare money because my car had to go be repaired.
I want to SI, so much right now. Why do I even try getting ahead anymore. I'm just going to stay in bed and hide from now on

[crazycanbegood]

i cant believe im spending Xmas alone AND without any gifts

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by crazycanbegood

i cant believe im spending Xmas alone AND without any gifts

No you're spending it with me i'm your xmas present!

[crazycanbegood]

Originally Posted by hankster

No you're spending it with me i'm your xmas present!

haha well thanks for celebrating with me!

I miss my T so much and I feel so little and scared

Having an anxiety attack because I had to get up early and drive to the doctors. He said I seemed brighter, though - even though I could barely look him in the eye today. He gave me a repeat script, a pep talk (), and then decided he would have to WEIGH me (!! I told him not to tell me what I weigh) and send me for more blood tests to get my thyroid profile checked again - as I have no energy and I've already said I've been gaining weight. (I've been trying to tell them all this from the beginning, AArgh! All this time they've been trying to convince me all my problems are all 'in my head', and I was just about getting used to that idea, and now people are saying things like 'M.E' and 'thyroid' to me!) This doctor is actually good though, very thorough, and I'll be sticking with him now if I can help it - I actually have confidence in him, which is more than I can say for any other doctor I've seen these last couple years.

But yeah, still shaking, and having a hot sweat...

I've actually got in for blood tests tomorrow, but now I'm worried and hope they'll be able to get all the samples from my right arm... because... yeah.

[mommyof2girls]

UUUGGGHHH!!!!! I am just so frustrated at work..... and with my co workers !!!!!!!!!

[geez]

I'm thought I was done and I'm really just starting up where I left off. I feel like a failure.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

I've actually got in for blood tests tomorrow, but now I'm worried and hope they'll be able to get all the samples from my right arm...

I always have them take blood from the top of my right hand - they can never find anything in my chubby little elbows, either one! A nurse with a Eastern European at a little medicaid med center suggested it to me and i've been having it done ever since. A nurse at a big midwestern US teaching uni hosp never heard of it, but she tried it and liked it.

[pbutton]

I have a screaming urge to quit therapy and never ever ever talk to T again. I'd prefer never to even THINK about T again.

I think it's going to be a rough day. blah.

Update: now absolutely worn out and weary, after a friend convinced me to ride her horse - who needed teaching some manners after throwing someone off yesterday. The beta blockers meant I was feeling brave, and mentally I felt fine, but when I'd done I was shaking like a leaf and feeling rather faint! Was already experiencing particularly high anxiety today. Early to bed for me I think, I need to recover -- before I ride the bl**** thing again tomorrow! haha! What am I doing?!

Originally Posted by crazycanbegood

i cant believe im spending Xmas alone AND without any gifts

I would do double hugs on that silly button if I could. I'm sorry. Thinking of you and sending much [safe, completely non-threatening] love.

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

Update: now absolutely worn out and weary, after a friend convinced me to ride her horse - who needed teaching some manners after throwing someone off yesterday. The beta blockers meant I was feeling brave, and mentally I felt fine, but when I'd done I was shaking like a leaf and feeling rather faint! Was already experiencing particularly high anxiety today. Early to bed for me I think, I need to recover -- before I ride the bl**** thing again tomorrow! haha! What am I doing?!

hahaha, just_some_girl! That made me laugh! I did the same for a friend after her horse had a bucking fit and put in the hospital for weeks. I rode him for a while to be sure he wasn't going to do it again and to build her confidence in him. My husband was angry because the horse really did almost kill my friend and there I am, riding him.

[Unrigged64072835]

One more day of hell to go before break, yay!

Pdoc appt didn't go well. She was very apologetic, but said the lip twitching may be from a med I just came off of and I'll have to wait another month to be sure. Then she said she would up my anti-anxiety med, but only gave me the perscription for what I was on already. And now I have to go see my regular doc--again--for the RLS. Ugh!!!

Have T tomorrow. I think we'll finish up my autobiography and break for the holidays. That would be a good finish for the year.

And everybody in my house is asking the same thing: "Is it Christmas yet???"

[beauflow]

Hugs to everyone

So--- IDK -- Today I am like all over the place in my head- Think I am trying to forget about that it is soon to be the biggest holiday of the year! --- I just want this year to be over to be honest- I am sorry.... But then at the same time I don't want it to be for January was always a rough month as a child and teen with my mom--

I am just trying to remember- We don't have to have our cycles as our parents, and that ya know it will all be ok

I have been trying to do good things- I gave out my little reindeer to other coworkers- and even yes the one that annoys me but yet we find common things to talk about
TO day his back was out-- i felt for him, and told him basically take an easy today
See we do admin duties but when it is so slow, we are to clean up stuff--- I like this but then I get mad
I like it due to it keeps me occupied- Which can be good, not only that but I always for some reason see symbolism in the way things get so clean--- like something can be so dirty and you clean it- and wow

That just popped a memory of a year before I cleaned up a while ago-- There was this filthy soap holder in my brothers bathroom, and I just sat there and cleaned it for a while... After I was done it was soo clean, white and looked awesome--- I am odd- that memory sticks with me so dearly and I am not sure why exactly-- I remember some thought of along the lines of "No matter how dirty you may get, how filthy you may be-- you can always get clean".. guess it was self reflection with myself at the time but I still find that symbolism these days even after being cleaned up from drugs-- perhaps i see it as more life for me .. sigh

SO work- I already expressed my anger with that- whatever-- the thing is I know that 3 or more people agree with me and think it is BS about the whole thing-- I like that the manager of our place is a kind hearted person but at the same time-- I am annoyed rather greatly that he has no consideration for his own workers. But whatever-- not only that but the guests from this other dept. were just rude-- they were complaining about the area, that we did not have "what they wanted" and that we were not getting them breakfast-- i was like really -- do you think this is a freakin hotel- you are staying as a favor from one manager to another-- not to be accommodated like a king (it was a dude that really got me).... Not only that but I had to basically do all -- no I had to do all of the prepping of this stuff--- and they kept calling asking for access and I was blunt-- I will call you when it is done

Whatever-- I feel like I was a little b1tch but ya know what-- maybe that is me being assertive and I am just confused with it all...

As far as my brother i am saying whatever right now- I was talking to a coworker that used to work with my brother and he said bluntly-- You don't have to put up with your brothers s h i t... This coworker is older and more stable but yet with problems but yet stable-- He was telling me of when he was in his 20's and by his 30's he had finally settled down.... In ways he was similar to my brother when he was younger- but he told me don't put up with it any more--- I have been trying best to set boundaries it is hard for me. I think it is hard of my own boundaries and not getting engolfed in emotions of it all with my brother- and on top of it the splitting thoughts with him- due to i have seen both sides very well from him towards me.

I will keep his gifts until we yet meet again i suppose-- It hurts and brings up stuff with me

A good thing is -- My boyfriend's sister read a post that i posted before I deleted on FB and she replied on it, then she sent me a text message with her kitty and I jsut feel she has been a bit supportive right now with just noting things from me on little things- I do appreciate it-- I am sorry that i complained about her earlier-- it is just we are different with getting work done- which I do have an issue with other people in general with that--- I find it shows character in ways but in the end it is one part of their character and not all of it

I have also been realizing that I am losing my memory more here lately--- I am having trouble with remember things that are not tramatically bad that of my child hood and my teen years and my younger adult years--- I am scared of this- it scars the poo out of me really does.... I feel as if part of me is missing when I can not recall memories.. I have been having head aches lately which I did not know that those two factors could mean something- Pdoc wants me to go to the general doc to get my head physically checked out----- cant right now but will look into it

any ways I am tearing up here- I think I shall try to find something to do may cook some noodles or waffles lol

I have not been sleeping long these last few days-- my boyfriend noted that and made a note to make sure to tell me-- he said i can't keep going off of 3-5 hours a day.. I will crash sooner or later-- it is ok.

Oh and medicine- i still have yet to take any of it- I got rather upset last night with my boyfriend on the subject- we did talk- due to i was letting my anger stew-- and now I am ok-- I just get confused with him i do
He says don't take it now- last night I was rather agrrivated and felt like just going off-- which continued into the morning but-- also he was not around, and all-- I don't want to take it this weekend and i told him -- keep pushing back "when to take it" i may not take any of it-- and explained this has taken a lot for me to just OK To-- and that it is not easy for me to accept this factor with therapy...
He made his valid points to which made sense and said he loves me and just wanted to be around as he mentioned.

I am sorry this is soo long---

BE WELL All I think I will go find something to do maybe

[PleaseHelp]

Woke up feeling all woozie and stuff. My SO told me to cal in sick to work, he never tells me that. I went any way, stuff needed to be done. Wasn't looking forward to my T appointment but went. I totally flipped out and I mean totally. I honestly don't remember what we were talking about, but what I heard were really negative things. I know my T and know she wouldn't say those things. But I just flipped. Started saying "STOP just stop, we're done now. I need to be done." She tried to ask what was wrong, I just began yelling, shaking, crying, and scared to death. She told me she wasn't going to let me ruin our relationship and asked questions. I just started crying. She scooted up to me and asked if she could rub my back, I was crouched over in a ball (OK as much of a ball you can get into in a chair). I started to apologize, she said I didn't need to. Asked me what was going on. I told her I didn't know, in fact I couldn't remember what had just happened. Had no clue what was going on. I said something about dissociating. She sat there & then said yeah I think you did, in fact I think I know when you started to dissociate. She said now that she's actually seen me dissociate, she can help me work through it. She told me it was OK that I didn't know what was going on or couldn't remember. She sat with me until I calmed down. I know I went over my time. She told me I still would like to give you a hug, I said I'd like that. She hugged me long and hard and told me she'd always be there for me and even though I felt like a mess right now that I'm doing so much better than when she first met me. She had a good laugh when I told her about my SO singing "This is the most emotional time of the year." She reassured me I'd get through the holidays and will see me right after the 1st of the year. It was so nice to get a hug from her. she's never done that before. My mind is still going. Sorry if my thoughts aren't very coherent.

Hugs to all..

Just been for my blood test. She couldn't get a draw from my right arm even though she tried for ages, as it turns out the vein has a bend that makes it too difficult - of course. She had to use the OTHER arm... She was nice about it: "everyone has their own reasons, I don't judge..." but still... humiliating.

[delicatefade26]

Going to work today...my body hurts : /. So I'm hoping I can make it through the day! I can't believe tomorrow is Christmas eve! My bro is coming in tonight...hope everyone is I'm good moods

[beauflow]

I am nearing the end of my shift--- I have tried to keep busy with little tasks even though there is nothing to do today since I went full force on getting things done the other days I was here- and the reason I did that was to have a day where I could knit at work- but would you not know- i only brought my jacket to work today-- sigh... I did mess around here like everyone does but I just felt the need to keep doing work when everyone else has not for the day--

I always take this as me being odd-- I keep getting told it is a good quality- It is like i missed something-- these are older people and my generation is WORSE at messing around.. It makes sad that I can't be like them- I know don't say can't but truely I can only mess around so much before feeling guilty then I go on over drive at doing all this crazy stuff at work -- To which some like-- Hey we got an idiot here- she will work so hard and yet she gets paid so lowly-- sigh

But oh well-- It comes down to this-- Work there are "tasks" even with NOT being "told" to do them- I know what they are and I figure why not--- with my own time I "need" *in away* to be told "what to do"...... I feel like a damn child some days!

But it is ok- I just wish I could put this energy to some thing useful that is what really gets at me with it-- I work at a dead end job, with little notice (or not the right people noticing); and I am getting literally no where- So I see it as a waste in the end, it is not self gratifing either- it jsut makes me feel worse in ways

The GOOD thing is-- My supervisor did send me a note -- She said thank you for all your hard work that you do through the year.

That is always nice- still it does not get me any where but it is better than not being noticed at all---

I know I can't really afford it but I want to go get pancakes at my fav breakfast place- my bf said we could either today or this weekend- I was hoping for a coupon (sign up for them via email) but they are not dishing them out- where is the holiday spirit there right

Trying it be as happy as possible- I hope I do not waste my furlough days-- I hope to clean up again the house, and may be organize some things and perhaps look more into school


Hugs to everyone-- I surely will be back here before and after the holidays lol