[nicoleb2]

Nervous about seeing my t tomorrow. I know I should tell her how bad things have been this week, and the thoughts that I have been having, but I don't know if I can

[mommyof2girls]

Well I am actually feeling a little better....Deff not as aggitated.....But do have a lot on my mind.....

[WePow]

Well, I go see T in 2 hours. It is challenging today. I took off work.

[sittingatwatersedge]

(((((((((((((( wepow ))))))))))))) I will come sit outside the door if it helps you

[nicoleb2]

Pdocs office just called. He is out of the country till my next appointment, so his nurse wants to give me samples of viibryd till he gets back. I don't want to go through withdrawals again. I guess I will talk to t today and get her opinion. I just want to quit life

[delicatefade26]

(((nicole))) this has been a rough start to 2012 for you...hang in there!! I hope you have a session that brings something positive and possibly healing <3

[delicatefade26]

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

Did I take charge or did she put me in charge? Now I think about it I don't think this is the first time this has happened...

Ohhh I so get this...it's very interesting when you start noticing stuff like this...especially with for me at least with my mom...it's uncomfortable too because it brings up a lot of issues!!

Originally Posted by delicatefade26

Ohhh I so get this...it's very interesting when you start noticing stuff like this...especially with for me at least with my mom...it's uncomfortable too because it brings up a lot of issues!!

That's therapy for you, eh? Grr! lol! I'm noticing stuff like this more and more. I suppose it's something else to bring up... in therapy! I'm glad you related to this, delicatefade, makes me feel like less of an alien

Well, today I've mostly not been feeling anything... I think I'm kinda numbed out right now.

[kaliope]

beauflow-its ok to be honest with T. people lie on that paperwork all the time. and for the most part, i dont believe T's give it more than a passing glance to get an idea of what they are working with.

(((agma))) heres supporting another week of not SIing.

so i went out with the girls last night, hair, makeup, contacts, sheer beaded shirt, new jeans. got a nice warm feeling instead of getting hammered like i used to, only 3 drinks all night. really enjoyed the opening band who i never heard before. looked them up on the internet today and they describe themselves as gypsy pirate polka. how interesting is that?

i dont go out very much but getting mentally lost at live offbeat music shows has seemed to play a roll in my mental health since my breakdown several years ago when i found my first local band one night when i stopped by a bar for a drink when i was seriously contemplating suicide. from there i made it the couple years to find meds just living show to show. sadly that band broke up last year.

but i found it a trip last night, how this f-d up fractured mind of mine, how my amzing powers of dissociation can so enhance the musical experience. i discovered it doesnt just have to be my favorite band. just by closing my eyes, i could make the whole crowd disappear and become one with the vibration of the music. I have only done drugs enough in my life to know what they can do for you. well, with my mind, i dont need the drugs. close my eyes and tune into that music, some pretty interesting stuff starts playing out. kinda rough coming back to the crowd after been in own world for so long though. anybody else experience this?

hope everybody is doing well. hugs to all.

[beauflow]

Thanks Kaliope -- I think I will bring it up and all; I think she does notice- I remember one time i wrote Fine/Great on the scale with everything and then I cried in her office; she did not log that one down as we went back I noticed and she mentioned oh didnt we do this that week? I was like "yeah we did the paper work and saw each other" but was quiet about lying even then....

Other things--
I think the dreams I have some times has to do with this, and past things... I am not sure if my T listens to dreams-- after all they are just dreams right?
I don't think so always, I think some/a lot/ maybe all Dreams are part of something- dreams are known to help people process things- and even if that is little things or big things.... I personally see dreams as gate ways into our minds in ways- and with a person that remembers very little dreams, I do take them a bit more seriously than others (not like all are serious but I do believe they are symbolic or trying to help me in some way to deal with things).

On another note that is besides this is:
I guess at work- We are having a "test" to see what we know for our jobs-- I think I will do ok; actually in reality EVERYONE should do ok- reason why is due to we have all the information around us to answer these questions- maybe one or two are problem solving which should show what is up with people-- I think this is all a bit ridiculous and as one co-worker said-- If we were in a union they could not do this.
I really don't care, I told them I would write- see the manual on all of them, (I did the manual for the desk) and then I said ok you want to be detailed, I will make you all pictures on what to do then... smart allic beauflow as usual... I keep getting told i am trouble..
I hope these test really help with what people need to know for the job and that the upper managers help out the people in need of it.

And on another note- That is totally out of here:
I really hate it when people tell me how to do stuff when they never do what I am about to do-- LIKE COOKING-- Now it is different if someone who cooks all the time is trying to give me pointers, but others that NEVER Cook telling me what to do- can stuff it--- I basically just now did that on a phone call

[nicoleb2]

Well, I saw my t today. I gave up my med stockpile, not that it matters because the ones i have would be bad in large quantities.
I was doing a tiny bit better, feeling physically awful though.
Found out tonight that I may have irreperably damaged my only real friendship.
I've already screwed up my family, and put them through way more than they should ever have to deal with.
The thought that I should go to the hospital has actually crossed my mind, not that I'll ever go again under my own power...
I don't know why I try anymore

Been to see my doctor about my blood test results. My thyroid is fine. There's nothing physically wrong with me. I'm disappointed, because it means that all of my symptoms - all of them - are caused by depression and anxiety. It IS all in my head! And that's quite a lot to wrap my head around. There's no more getting away from it, no 'maybe' or excuse that something else is going on. Adrenaline? Anxiety. Hot flashes? Anxiety. The throat thing? Anxiety. Nausea? Anxiety. Mental and physical fatigue? Depression. And so on. And I guess the weight gain is because I eat too much and barely get up out of bed anymore.

I knew mental illness was real, but on some level I guess I hadn't quite accepted it. There had to be another cause, you know? A REAL CAUSE! Because that couldn't be ALL that was wrong! I'm a smart girl, you know? I think I'd KNOW if it was all in my head! I'm not THAT messed up, surely? It just blows my mind how I can have such physical symptoms - especially during times I think I feel calm. Times I think I'm fine. Have I really become SO shut off from my emotions and feelings that my BODY has to scream at me that something is wrong? I've been back and forth on all of this so much, belief and then disbelief... But it's concrete now. I really don't understand myself like I thought I did. I don't really understand any of it.

The thyroid thing would have been an easy answer - medicate, treat, get better, feel energised, lose weight, feel good, recover. Then the blues would lift, right? Because I've already learned what I needed to from therapy, right? Sorted! That's what I was hoping for. Depression and anxiety? Like, REAL depression and anxiety?! Harder to treat. Is there even a real answer? I'm on medication already (I think I'm on my 6th antidepressant and my 2nd anxiety med), and I'm in therapy already (my 3rd therapist, overall.) This seems to be the 'right' treatment plan. And I've been trying SO HARD. What else is there? Looks like I'm going to be in therapy for a while, and it just looks like I'm really going to have to work harder, dig deeper, and find and tackle all the underlying causes for it all. I'm scared What if there is no real reason? What if I'm just messed up? Am I ever going to get better?

What stage is acceptance of my condition?

[beauflow]

Just Some Girl

What if there is no real reason? What if I'm just messed up? Am I ever going to get better?

There is a reason- YOU
What if you mess up? We all "mess up" but we all do learn even if it is just a little and grow even from mess ups-- If you realize you messed up, you realize that is not the right way (correct?) try another.

I always loved what my dad use to say- to which many of you may not want to hear right now, but it is one thing that has helped me a lot-- IF I think I will be stuck in the hole, I wont get out-- BUT if I think there is a way out of the hole, I can eventually dig myself out some time..... I guess it is a view on thinking on things; and I will admit I have trouble with it some days, but at some point that little itch in my ear hears that saying, and thinks on it.

I know a lot of Therapy says the basic things- Think postitive, which sometimes I would like hit them when they say that when I try hard but it can make things worse for me personally (*but if I find it with in me, rather than being told it to me-- i seem to find it to help)

I am sorry if that is not what you need right now- but just trying to give you something that I chew on for a bit some times

As far as things just in your head-- I have been saying that to myself since a teenager, and I get told "yes" to some of it, and "no" to others of it.... your not alone there, and I get aggravated with myself when I think this PTSD, Bipolar and what not is just all in my head- But In ways it is; and I do believe it is chemical, just not only Bipolar to be honest, but I am no doctor so -- jsut flighty thoughts from the one that rambles.

Best wishes and hugs

And hug to everyone in need of them as well.

[kaliope]

so i saw T today and i started by saying things were ok, Just ok he says and i say yes, actually i got all kinds of weird little **** going on but none of that matters i tell him but nothing seems to be a big deal to him but he takes this to be one of my meaning of life conversations. so i tell him all this stuff and one minute i am crying and the next i am fine. he does comment that he has a difficult time tracking me but tht is about it.

then we start talking about being connected in relation to my sons visit. rather he talks connected. i had talked about how i have felt disconnected recently. so we talked about being connected and what i felt i had with my son and intimacy in relationship and i talked how i dont have that or know or understand that and he asked if i would want that and it frightened me so much i said no. it was no something i felt i could handle.i told him i was too damaged. too broken. i had nothing to offer my child. and i went beyond that in my thinking. sitting there. just me in my thoughts. in nothingness. and there was a man. i was wearing a crown. i had nothing to offer him. i am not a person. there is nothing left of me. beyond the mask i present to the world, when you take that away, there is no person. i am no one. i have nothing to offer another in an intimate relationship. i am not a person. that is what became very clear today. i am not a person. there is nothing inside of me to offer another on a deep intimate level. i am an empty shell. all i could do after this hit me was stare. T is like do you want to talk about this again next session. duh!

now i am home and i just keep crying. even tho its been a couple years i feel if i had a razor i would cut.

Some things happened today that got me all upset again. It seems like I can't go for long without someone or something reminding me what a financial burden I am. What an inconvenience I am. And, it seems there is no one I can turn to to bail me out, or take care of me, or take my worries away. No one to hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright. I feel like I'm backed into a corner. I went to visit mum, but she only upset me more, and totally missed the point, as usual. I literally ran away from her tonight, because if I ran away maybe I could still pretend she would have comforted me if I'd stayed.

Therapy today. I've been awake since 4am. I want to see my therapist, and I crave her kind words and warm smile... right now that seems like a good reason not to go. It occurs to me that the most caring people in my life are my therapist and my doctor... and they're both paid professionals. I know it's a cliché but: I feel so alone and unloved.

[Nightlight]

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

Some things happened today that got me all upset again. It seems like I can't go for long without someone or something reminding me what a financial burden I am. What an inconvenience I am. And, it seems there is no one I can turn to to bail me out, or take care of me, or take my worries away. No one to hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright. I feel like I'm backed into a corner. I went to visit mum, but she only upset me more, and totally missed the point, as usual. I literally ran away from her tonight, because if I ran away maybe I could still pretend she would have comforted me if I'd stayed.

Therapy today. I've been awake since 4am. I want to see my therapist, and I crave her kind words and warm smile... right now that seems like a good reason not to go. It occurs to me that the most caring people in my life are my therapist and my doctor... and they're both paid professionals. I know it's a cliché but: I feel so alone and unloved.

Totally relate to all of that, particularly tonight. I spent the last few hours feeling awful because...I'm a financial burden I guess. I just wish I didn't have to be reminded all the time in such an unkind way when I'm doing my absolute best to improve my life, without support from anyone other than T.

Because of all of that I've been thinking about how surely T can't know what it's like for me facing losing her one day. It's like I didn't get any people, supportive parents, like most people. T's my person and my person is only there if I can afford it. Just left my job to return to study so don't know if I'll be able to afford to go every week anymore. She's away this week and it's SO hard for me having to wait that extra time without any support...50 minutes once a fortnight when life is so, so hard...ouch!

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

I want to see my therapist, and I crave her kind words and warm smile... right now that seems like a good reason not to go. It occurs to me that the most caring people in my life are my therapist and my doctor... and they're both paid professionals. I know it's a cliché but: I feel so alone and unloved.

Take that love and caring where you can get it! It's OK.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by kaliope

then we start talking about being connected in relation to my sons visit. rather he talks connected. i had talked about how i have felt disconnected recently. so we talked about being connected and what i felt i had with my son and intimacy in relationship and i talked how i dont have that or know or understand that and he asked if i would want that and it frightened me so much i said no... i am not a person. there is nothing left of me. beyond the mask i present to the world, when you take that away, there is no person. i am no one.

You contradict yourself. You are a person. A real person. A person who has feelings. Pain and fear are parts of being a person. Respect those parts. They do not have to be the only feelings, but certainly they say you are a person.

I went to therapy. She's great, really she is. She had me fill out a quick multiple choice questionairre to judge where my mood was at, so that made talking about it all so much easier. It was quite a sombre session compared to some recent weeks, and it was disappointing for me to have to go there with such a level of gloom... but we had a good talk, and I felt understood. It's kind of funny, sometimes you think talking just won't help anymore, but I guess sometimes it depends who you're talking to!

I had a good cry when I got home, and managed to talk to dad about some stuff. Not sure anything will change, but getting it 'out there' is a start. And I do feel a lot better now for that.

I have been such a drama queen this week. Hoping I can tone it down now...

Last Friday I wasn't feeling well. I could just feel a cold coming on (two of my sons have already had this cold). I picked up some drugs and started taking them, and miraculously after a couple of days, I felt fine again. I felt like I had dodged that bullet.

Well, today I'm feeling cruddy again. As the day has gone on I've just felt like death warmed over. Seems to be starting in my chest. Crap.

So I feel really yuck and it's only Wednesday. I'll start up the drugs again and see if I can scare off this cold one more time, but I'm not terribly hopeful about it.

Okay. Enough whining.

I see my pdoc tomorrow. I suspect it will be a quick appointment since nothing earth-shattering is going on at the moment. Too bad I have to drive all the way into Dallas to see him. Rush hour traffic is not my favorite. But he's worth it. At least I only see him every month or so.

[Unrigged64072835]

Saw pdoc today. Got a sleeping aid added to my med cocktail. Hope it works because this waking up at midnight to toss and turn is for the birds.

Other than a disturbing email from my and my husband's friend (which I won't repeat here--I wrote about it in the Relationships and Communication section), it's been a decent day. This is good, because I have T tomorrow and it may be a rocky ride.

[Nightlight]

I'm tired of the feeling of hanging on, of waiting. I don't know what I can do to make things better now, without having to wait for another week to talk to T.

[kaliope]

so i have thought quite a bit about my appt with T. I have read so many posts on PC of people struggling with their past in therapy session after session and questioned why this is. After my life exploded, T took me from this tramatized mess, fresh from being hospitalized to stabilizing me and making me functional enough to work and survive and not be a PTSD mess any more. And so I often wondered, whats with all this stuff of creeeping around in the past and struggling with all that mess? And now I think is it just that i wasnt able deal with the past yet and only now is stuff coming up that i am willing to look at after two years of therapy.

Have now had 2 nights in a row of poor sleep. Had lots of PTSD thoughts that kept me awake. Wish they would go away. I really need a good nights sleep to function well emotionally the next day. I am going to try to be productive and get something done today. I really hate not having a job. I really want to get well but the anxiety, social phobia and complex PTSD persist. Seeing the T tomorrow. I am not feeling good about myself today. Ugh.

[beauflow]

so-- if anyone caught the one- was doing bad, i had it deleted-- it was rather negative then, pop i got up did some stuff and talked about some really bothersome things with my boyfriend again.. I stood up at work- they all know now I am not happy at all but it is ok- I continue on my job.

As far as the person at work that is regular, has been there for over a year, and knows little of his job and does little-- well the gift of knowing upper upper management right? Well he says "we may have to do furloughs again"

I told him whatever, they took away our bonus pay this year, they do furloughs again it really does not matter-- and all will work out- does not matter if I am here or not-- I hint towards the bad yesterday- but it is ok.

whatever

all be well


went fom happy to down, idk. i dont get this worrin about tomuch now