[Unrigged64072835]

Haven't been on here in a while, but it's been a rough time with our daughter. We had a big blowout on Sunday--we took away all her privileges, told her why in no uncertain terms, and she had a total meltdown. I think she finally realized that she needed a T because her friends can't fix her issues and neither can we. She started to backtrack on Monday but we held firm. She saw her T yesterday and it appears they like each other, so maybe something good will come out of it. We just hope she isn't trying to "play" everybody just so she can get her privileges back--she's already made a comment about "doing the good girl bit." She also wants to see her best friend that is halfway across the country this summer. We told her the plane ticket costs last night. Not sure if this will happen, since her best friend's mother does not like her at all and has been known to change her mind at the last minute. Do NOT want to be stranded a long way from home for a week with a highly upset teenager.

H and I are drained. We've both been sick for a while due to all the stress. Just hope I'll feel good enough to see my T on Friday. I really want to get back to working on me, since the last two sessions were about handling my daughter.

Today was just mortifying. Could barely look T in the eye or speak. Therapy just got really, really hard for me

[Towanda]

Just found this thread today so posting for the first time. Having a tough time in therapy. T couldn't be nicer or more caring (T is a he). Had some miscommunication issues which he addressed last week and our relationship couldn't be better. So why am I all of a sudden so angry and in a rage at him, in addition to mixing him up in my head with my father? I've been in therapy with this T for six years and thought all the issues with my dad had been addressed, healed and forgiven. I can't figure out what's going on but I feel like I'm regressing and I don't like it.
I have just moved into a time of total honesty and full disclosure with this T so maybe this is what is triggering me? Any input would be appreciated - thanks!

[WePow]

a bit of stress at work today. team again left me to man the phones while they all talk in another room. whatever. Still not dissociated at all. miss my alters. miss the escape. would write T but dont feel connected with him either. just idk.

[healed84]

Much better today... which scares me to say, b/c I know with panic attacks I can be fine one mintue and not be the next. Had an appointment with T.. it was good, very reassuring. We discussed my plan for gettinga new doctor, so I can start meds. I am soooo nervous about the meds, but I know it is going to be the best for me. Praying that the daily panic attacks stop soon!!

Really tough session today dealing with how being wrongly accused has always been a huge trigger for me. Spent a great deal of the session dealing with racing thoughts and images. T wants me to call my pdoc tomorrow to let him know how things seem to be deteriorating.

Then I came home and walked into my nightmare. My husband, who has BPD, was on a roll, saying accusatory things and generally just hitting every trigger I had been fighting through during my session with T. I just wanted to walk back out the door. But of course, I didn't. Husband eventually came around and apologized for his behavior, but I get so tired of feeling like his figurative punching bag and then him apologizing for hurting me after the fact. At times it feels so abusive. I feel badly that his mind just goes haywire like that, but I hate being on the receiving end.

I discovered that my 1st T from back in college has retired. I hadn't contacted him in a long while -- I think since before my sister died last March. I don't have a current email for him, but I'm fairly certain I have his home phone number. I'll have to give him a call sometime. Not now. I'm not in shape to call now, but down the road I will.

[Switch]

First -Towanda.
You're probably right in your thinking that it's because you've started to open up so much. From personal experience with my new and current T, whenever I open up to him and he sees even just a little bit thorough my walls I suddenly get very upset and enraged at him.

My day has been okay I guess. Mostly talking with my parents about meds, Class which is fun, but right now reminding me so much of the essay and exam i have no time for, and smoking too much. I don't usually smoke, but I went through half a pack.

I met a woman while walking down the street today. I'm pretty sure she's a JW, but I invited her over anyway. She didn't end up showing up though, which sucked. I hope she doesn't come over because my sister (by choice, not birth) grew up in a JW family and was mistreated... this could end badly.

And I'm at my lovers house tonight. sucks on one side because they've asked me not to pursue one of their friends, who I'm kinda into, but I love them very much and don't want to make them uncomfortable/lose them. And on the good side they gave me dinner, wine, and access to a working power cord for my laptop!

All in all not a too bad day. Bed now thought... I'm getting up in 7 hours and my body has been requiring 13. Fun.

I just got off the phone with my pdoc. I called this morning and left a message for him to call me, and when I hadn't heard from him by about 6:30 this evening, I knew someone had dropped the ball and he didn't get my message. He always calls back, usually by around 6:30PM after he has finished with his patients in the office. So, I called his answering service. I HATE talking to the answering service. I know it's their job to screen calls and only put through the calls that are emergencies, but it pisses me off when they keep trying to get more specific information out of me. I'm stubborn though and stand my ground. I assure them I am not calling because of something trivial like a med refill.

Sure enough, literally less than a minute after I hung up with the answering service, my pdoc called. He talked to me for quite awhile and is calling in a new med to see if we can kick out this depression before it gets any worse. He told me to call at any time if I need him. He's a great pdoc.

I really am feeling more depressed by the hour it seems. I am terribly frustrated that once again I am having to deal with this. I'm so tired.

Really glad my T is letting me reach out via email, because last session was so hard and I felt like I couldn't connect. But we're still good! She's walking beside me on my journey I'm so happy not to be alone with all this anymore.

I feel more energized and hopeful than I have in a long time.

[nicoleb2]

Getting kind of numbish, but kind of not at the same time. Not really sure how to describe it. I want all of the pissy *** people in my life to leave me alone. I want to crawl in a hole and disappear forever.

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Sure enough, literally less than a minute after I hung up with the answering service, my pdoc called. He talked to me for quite awhile and is calling in a new med to see if we can kick out this depression before it gets any worse. He told me to call at any time if I need him. He's a great pdoc.

I really am feeling more depressed by the hour it seems. I am terribly frustrated that once again I am having to deal with this. I'm so tired.

The saga continues. I went to the pharmacy to pick up this new med. The insurance company has a hold on it until my pdoc writes a letter of medical necessity. Hmm. My medical doctor prescribed a medication for my illness; doesn't that imply that he finds it to be a medical necessity? Grr. I know. I know. This has absolutely nothing to do with medical necessity. The fact is, this is a new medication and probably very expensive, and the insurance company doesn't want to pay for it so they are making us jump through the hoops.

So, my pdoc doesn't go into the office on Friday; he only does hospital rounds. He won't get into the office until Monday afternoon. That means, assuming everything goes off without a hitch (fat chance), the earliest I will be able to start the medication is next Tuesday.

I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I'm concerned that this delay is going to have serious consequences for me. I'm just so tired of this.

[Nightlight]

I said goodbye to T2 today, I can't afford to see her any longer. I've never really had people, I've never had anyone, so I've never had to say goodbye to someone before either. I almost couldn't say anything the entire session. It was so hard. I wasn't ready to lose her. Now she's not out there anywhere, for me. I'm not someone she'll help or support any longer. If I run out of money the people who have seen more of me than anyone else, the only people who have supported me and helped me to move forwards, vanish from my life. Today was hard.

[notz]

((((((((nightlight))))))))

[growlycat]

Keep coming back here until the hellos start again...hang in there.

[ECHOES]

Missing my T a bit. She's on a jazz cruise and I hope she's having the most wonderful time! She was excited about it and shared about it at the end of the last session. I hesitated about asking where she was going this week after she told me she would be away. It was fun to see and hear her excitement

[SoupDragon]

I had been bobbing about peacefully in my boat, but today I am becoming more and more aware of the danger that lurks beneath - I really don't want it to return.

[growlycat]

Wondering why T is not contacting me--even an email--- when this week has been awful.

My "new" job of 2 months is giving me 2nd 3rd and fourth thoughts....Oh god, I hope taking this position was not a mistake. No one has any idea how long stuff takes to do considering the crazy way THEY do it. When I suggest other ways I am tuned out. Their lips say "yes I understand" but what they are really saying is "just get it done"...which I could do faster if they did not do XYZ...This should be a dream job but it has been so impersonal. The people I have interacted with, I just don't trust. No one gives a crap about me. I know we are there for a job not to make friends, but any camaraderie would be a welcome change. This should be a dream job, why am I demoralized and lonely?

[Switch]

Here... I walked through the old building I use to do most of my classes in, and I ended up passing a lot of people from my old program... and they were all laughing and having fun and didn't even notice me while I walked by. I know if I was still in that program I would have, but now I just feel so excluded and alone. It's really sad, but I feel like my only friends are the internet and my family.

[Nelliecat]

Know what? If you don't care you can't get hurt can you?

[healed84]

Today, I am not in a good place. I have been able to keep away panic attacks, still really anxious, but thank goodness no attacks. However, I am just feeling really down today.. Feeling like there is no point for me in this world, no connection, that I am way different than everyone around me. It is a sucky feeling to have. I am trying not to disconnect myself from family and friends, I know that is going to help, but at the sametime.. I just want to go run and hide, under blankets with head under a pillow. I can't believe I have gotten to this place in my life.

[Switch]

yeah, but I do care... I miss them. More, I miss 'it', or the sense of having friends.

I'm trying not to let it get to me, and trying to remind myself that theatre people are often fickle.

[nicoleb2]

Today started out crappy and just keeps getting crappier. I feel so angry and depressed and just don't want to be anymore. I give up

T called me and we talked yesterday evening. He is very concerned about how quickly I am decompensating, and with the medication snaffu, he's afraid that by the time that gets straightened out it could get pretty ugly. He had me call my pdoc again to let him know about the problem getting the medication, but pdoc is not on call this weekend so nothing can be done about it. A different pdoc in the practice called me instead (I hate that). I told her she couldn't help me, then she pressed me to explain what is going on. Then she told me nothing could be done until next week. Didn't I just tell her that? Grr.

T called me later again to find out what I learned from my pdoc (nothing). T thinks I should just take myself on into the hospital. Then they would be forced to call my pdoc, and he would be able to get me started on the medication circumventing the whole insurance company interference crap. I just can't do that. I just don't see it as an option.

I went to bed at like 7:30 last night; of course, I got up at 4AM. Maybe I'll just go back to bed and hide.

[karebear1]

Hang in there farmergirl.

Heh. You know therapy is probably on your mind too much when it starts to snow and your FIRST thought is whether you can get to your session - which is another 3 days away I may hit up google maps for an alternative route, just in cases...

Anyway, things are okay I think! At least in theory, from here, hiding behind my keyboard. Not sure how I'm going to be when I have to talk about things face to face with my T, and not because of what she'll say - rationally, I know she's not judgmental or scary - but just because I suspect anxiety could take over and I'll shut down again. I just so want to be in control and calm and able to talk and express myself clearly, and not turn into this:

But if anyone DOES have a nice big paper bag I could borrow for Tuesday...?!

Anyway, trying to put it out of my mind for now. My mood is still actually quite good for the moment - and it's just such a relief not to be in that dark place. I'm not sure what's changed, but I do feel something has.