[kaliope]

well it has been days since i have checked in to PC. I got a smartphone and have been lost in free apps and figuring out how the thing works. its a whole new world for me. but it started off badly on sunday. my daughter had given me money for christmas to buy a new phone. all i wanted was a phone with a qwerty keyboard to text with. thats all i do is text and get pics of my grandson. those were the two requirements. so i got a new phone on 12/30. It was the upgraded version a couple times over of the phone i have had for years. well it kept going out of service. phone calls would go straight to voicemail and texts wouldnt come thru. then my sons phone went down but was still under warrenty, but when they sent his new one they sent my new one by mistake. so i switched over to it. it did the same thing. so i went back to the phone store and said i wasnt happy and i wanted a different model. the guy explained it was because i had a 2G sim card in a 3G phone, swapped them out and sent me on my way. still didnt solve the problem. so i go back sunday and he makes a big deal about it being past the 14 days for exchange but overrides it. but i have no choices but the one i had or really cheap models without the keyboard and tiny screens i cant seem my grand son on. my only choice was the same model but a new phone. he explained i prob got a bad phone to begin with and the one they sent was a refurb. i dont feel good about this but i do it. i dont even leave town before the same problem occurs. so i go back and upgrade to the smartphone and internet which i have to pay more for which i dont need. this really upset me because i felt so powerless not having a choice in the matter, a phone that isnt working right or a phone that wouldnt meet my needs. so the guy is redoing the paperwork and my acct and i totally end up shutting down. i coulnt stop it. just went into a daze. had tears running down my cheeks. hes asking me questions and i can only shake my head. i had to have him repeat himself again and again. i couldnt pull myself out of it.

then monday i had to go to the dentist which totally triggers my ptsd. i have made it thru like my last six appts fine. woke up at about 730, took a clonopin. then took another on the way there about 930 cause i didnt feel ok about it. didnt make it thru. the lights started getting all weird and turning into different shapes on me. then the cleaning just got to be too much, my ears were about to explode, i felt like screaming, i had to make her stop because i couldnt breathe. took a bit to let her finish but we finally did. i cried of course. then when i went to pay and they asked how it went i cried again.

i really dont like this road i am headed down. or on. i dont know which it is. the positive thing about both experiences is tht i did not dissociate. that shows i have made progress.

hugs to all.

Oh ****.

I sent an email to my therapist earlier - about a dream I had about her and some feelings that came up because of things in session yesterday (yes, it was one of those hitting 'send' and then thinking 'oh **** oh **** oh **** emails.) She emailed me back a few hours later, and I've just spent the last 2 hours or so writing a reply to her reply.

It's all out there now. I think this is one of those pivotal therapy moments. I'm scared.

Oh ****!!

Why can I not just keep a lid on things? I swear I'm going to have a panic attack - if not now then for sure at our next session, if I can even show my face!

The phone rang awhile ago and it was T. He was returning a call from my husband (T is also my husband's T). I didn't know my husband had put in a call to T so I wasn't expecting to hear him on the other end of the line, but I'm glad he got back to my husband tonight. He's struggling. Hopefully T was able to give him something to hold onto tonight.

I drove into Dallas to pick up the med samples from my pdoc. Sure would be nice if he was more conveniently located, but that's the way it is. He happened to walk through the office area while I was standing at the window waiting for the samples. He took a minute to talk to me and go over instructions with me. That was nice of him. He really is a great pdoc.

Hopefully my mood will lift and stabilize once I have taken a few days of the trade name meds. I've been so blah and exhausted this week. You'd think generics would have to be exactly the same as the brand names, but they don't. Usually not a problem, but this time it was. Not fun.

[nicoleb2]

It's been a day... i just want to be done with everything. i'm tired of the constant fight to stay sane and stay alive

[Nightlight]

Originally Posted by nicoleb2

i'm tired of the constant fight to stay sane and stay alive

Just wanted to say me too. SO tired. It's such a battle. I'm so tired of fighting on my own. Ugh.

[growlycat]

I don't talk to my T until Mon...he might email me tomorrow. Work is stressful; how is it possible to be in so many meetings and still feel lonely? I hope it was worth moving across the country for this!

[beauflow]

Alright-
Anxiety was high at the beginning of my day but now I am fine I think.
These past days have been a lot better than the last 2 weeks and Monday was.
I have been tying to remember to not take some things so seriously, so much on them, and think everyone hates me--- and that I am not such a horrible burden on everyone.
I have been trying to remember to take a little time out of the day just for me- I am trying to do this in the morning as best as I can if I have the energy and feel like it.
But this coming morning, is going to be really busy, I will have an hour to myself though, so it will be ok
I can't believe some times, (other times I can); but that I was so low (depressed) just about a week a go.... I some times forget till I read some thing or just pops up again.
Got to finish my "letter to T" which I will be taking to her on Monday when I see her.
Oh geez.. Hope i have the courage to do so.

Be well all and hugs to all

Okay wow. Looks like my next session will be, erm, interesting. Lots of things to discuss in the aftermath of those emails ... I think it will turn out to be a good thing. I've always thought I've been honest in therapy but I realised I've been holding back. So... to new levels of trust and openness...! Hoo boy...


More good news: I thought I'd lost a little weight, but thought maybe I was imagining it -- but, I can about squeeze back into my fat fat jeans That's a start! They were inches off closing the last time I tried. Next, the fat jeans. THEN, the regular jeans. THEN, maybe all those pairs that almost fit when I was almost fit!? Right? :eyeroll: I'm just glad I can finally see some results from eating more healthily, that's good motivation not to shovel in all kinds of rubbish

In other news, it's my birthday tomorrow so that has me a bit like this on the inside: I hate birthdays and getting older, still not having really achieved anything with my life, etc... I just want this one to go by without incident! (So yes, if I could avoid getting triggered and sending more embarrassing emails to T that would be good!!)

Originally Posted by nicoleb2

It's been a day... i just want to be done with everything. i'm tired of the constant fight to stay sane and stay alive

Oh yes...I hear you. I'm sovery tired of waking up to the same feelings. Every day is a fight to survive and I am so tired.

I started up the trade name wellbutrin this morning, so I'm hoping in a day or so I'll start feeling semi-human again. What an odd experience!

Because of the problem with the generic, I've been completely exhausted. When I saw T yesterday he could tell immediately that something wasn't right; he could just see the exhaustion in my body. So glad the week is over. It has been a struggle to get through work each day. Teenagers require A LOT of energy, and mustering that energy was really, really a challenge.

My husband and I went out without the kids tonight and had some fantastic barbeque and good conversation. We needed that.

[nicoleb2]

Struggling again. I slept for a good portion of the day again today, i could not motivate myself for anything. I am ready to give up

[healed84]

Yesterday was my appointment with T.. It was a great appointment. I felt a ton better after leaving. However, my anxiety got back to me last night and I spent most of the night awake. When I finally fell asleep I had a horrible dream and when I woke up I was filled with anxiety again. Its not good.. just when I think that maybe I can handle all of this stuff I am faced with the fact that anxiety is in my life and I may not be able to control it by myself.

Yesterday we talked about me taking meds.. I was on the fence about it then, but told T that I would go to the Dr. he is going to refer me to. However, I think now I realize that right now in my life I NEED those meds.. and that is okay. The only sucky part is I don't have another appointment for 11 days! And.. T said he would refer me, but it doesn't mean the Dr is taking new patients.. AND it will take weeks for the meds to start working. So, I am still feeling like there is a long road ahead and that is feeling really daunting right now. I say it ALLLL the time, but I am so sick of the ups and downs.

[Nelliecat]

I haven't been here for a while. I've had a tough few days and have also developed a cold, my second one since christmas - and I very rarely get ill. My H said this morning that he doesn't like me when I'm ill. He says I'm feeble. He doesn't handle ill people well. He wasn't allowed to be ill as a child and was given no sympathy. Ill people irritate him. I asked him whether he thinks I'm feeble because of having depression too. He says my depression is a burden. It takes over all of our lives. He doesn't know what he will come home to and sometimes he's irritated by it when he's busy and I'm not coping and he has to do more at home. So I feel like I am a burden, not just my depression. He told me the other day I was doing too much and was run down. I can't get it right, can I? I don't how long we can carry on like this. He should have married someone else.

[nicoleb2]

I am back and forth between numb and I just don't want to be anymore. I hate this. Makes me want to SI really badly.

[kaliope]

So I have had some severe anxiety this week, but I have also received some very positive feedback on the outcome of my work with a couple families this week as well. So like I super suck on one side and doing super great on another. I just cant reconcile the two.

Ive decided to become a CASA volunteer. Something to do with my extra time. Will this cause me extra stress? I hope not. The application triggered me. It asked if you had experienced childhood abuse, domestic violence, had disability/medical issues. And i am thinking, what the **** is this their business? And i realize that working with abused children they need to know/warn us about being triggered ourselves but while i answered yes, i decided i was not going to explain anything, that they had no business knowing my business and that i would simply explain i understood the risks of being triggered and know how to handle myself.

I also worked with my exboss on a custody evaluation yesterday and in the course of our time together it came out that i had no plans of getting my graduate degree. she called me later in the evening expressing that she had no idea this was my intent and she did not plan on letting me NOT continue my education. she said i was too good not to go further. i agreed to consider and we would pick up the conversation at a later date. now i am actually considering it. i was rejected from the masters program due to my mental health several years ago.

well i wish everybody well. hugs to all.

[Nelliecat]

So now I just feel nothingy, numb. I know I've shut everything away again. I'm not thinking about anything much, just the normal routine.

It will take ages to get anywhere again with T now.

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by nicoleb2

I am back and forth between numb and I just don't want to be anymore. I hate this. Makes me want to SI really badly.

Hang in there- SI is an awful place to be in and I know how oppressive it feels. If it is late at night and I feel like that, writing to your T or someone else you care about helps me. Sometimes it is so hard to grasp the next day exactly what was going on w/me, so others have a hard time understanding why i'm so sad. You don't have to show your T the letter, but it gives you something to refer to when you try to communicate the level of pain you are going through.

keep posting.

[SoupDragon]

I'm feeling a bit down as the pain in my back has got worse and it is very inconvenient as I have things that I need to do - plus I have just been doing some tidying and came across my wedding photos (1999) - I look so different in those pictures, not just younger and thinner, but relaxed and happy - it has made me sad thinking about those times and how unhappy and tense I am all the time now - how did I get from there to here?

Although I want to switch off, I am also saying to myself it is OK to feel sad about those things and the fact I am missing my children (they have gone with my ex to their Grandmothers for a few days) - sadness in life is normal isn't it and not something that we have to try and immediately escape from. Life is about our experience and that will never be a life full of joy and happiness.....well my head knows that stuff just waiting for the rest of me to catch up :-)

[mommyof2girls]

Feeling much better ....hopefully this will be a better week for me....

Well, I am feeling... okay, I think! Not really noticed having any anxiety or symptoms of anxiety recently (despite cutting my use of beta blockers), and no urges to self harm for a week or two now. I'm not feeling as depressed, either. Still pretty tired, but no so hopeless and despairing... just a bit blah I suppose. I know I must be feeling better and more balanced than I was though because I don't seem to be 'eating my feelings' anymore. I've really managed to cut down my junk/carb/sugar intake. Maybe the hypnosis has helped with that... or the meditation? Or just generally thinking more positively more of the time? I feel like I am changing... Therapy might be a total mind**** but it does seem to be working!

[WePow]

Had a very nice time at a social event last night. It was a small party for a new friend. That was my first non-work /non-family social event for me in almost 15 years. My T wrote back that he was proud of me. I could not have done this without all the support from PC and help from my T. I am exhausted and will just rest today, but I am happy.

[beauflow]

i just really dont want to go tomorrow... i dont want to give the letter aka list of things that have went wrong and need to talk about and work on. i dont want to g to therapy. i am thinking what good will this do. i saw her almost ago... ive been down, planning, and will she relly havesolution beside find a new safe place??? dont think its a safe place these few weeks.

be well all

[Switch]

Thought I'd join in to this.

Have therapy tomorrow and I think I'm nervous because we're likely going to be talking about me not having emotions, lol. I'm so scared to open up and feel again (I think... god it's so hard to explain!) but I'm going to try my best.

My grandparents were over and we had a ridiculously expensive dinner that was equivalent to my rent. O.O I'm still recovering from seeing the check! I don't know how they have so much money when I'm struggling to pay for T.

Over all I've had a pretty good day! Little bit of mad at myself, little bit of nerves, and a lot of spoiling myself.

[nicoleb2]

Ups and downs today. My son won first place in the tigers group for cub scouts pinewood derby, and 6th overall for our pack. Huge grins from my son!

Now, feeling really down. Tired of the fight to live, the constant medication issues for me and my daughter. I just want to give up. I want to be done with this life

[Nelliecat]

Just wanted to say thank you to my lovely friends on here for your support recently and also thank you for my lovely hugs following my recent posts. You don't know how much they meant

I am feeling better mentally - I think, but physically still feeling rough with this cold. The house is a tip so I'm trying to make a bit of headway with that - where to start.......... It's cold here and a bit snowy so the kids are super excited. Mmm, not sure about it myself, I want some sunshine.

Love to you all