[healed84]

No appointment for me this week... T is out of the office a lot this week and by the time I had my appointment on Friday he was booked up. I am feeling okay with that, but it comforting to know I can call and leave him a message if I feel I need to. Anxiety has been bad, bad, bad... Hoping I can get it under control this week.

[beauflow]

took my 7 page letter to T- and made it a page and half summery-- I will take this in for my session that will be here soon.

I don't know -- I feel there is no solution for me...... but I guess I will ride this out till expiration date with her...

I just can't be honestly open with her.... which makes therapy hard-- but I see her some times- 1 time the beginning of the month, then the end.. or bi-weekly if lucky...

Guess that is what I get for not being able to afford therapy and going to the county. Or maybe just me with not being a fully open person with people I see so few times a month.

I have been sleeping for the past 2 days. Literally, most of the day and all night! That is actually a good thing for me, since insomnia plagues me all the time. I am not sure if this sleep is because of exhaustion from being in the hospital with my spouse, or is it part of the bipolar cycle, or if I am going into a depression. Then again, does it matter? I just know that I feel better having rested so much.

[Switch]

Just checking in. I'm here, mostly healthy and alive. Watching sin city with my very sick friend. therapy went well although I kinda feel like I talked too much. We'll see about tomorrow

Cheers,
Switch

[agma]

I survived a visit from my friends over the weekend but it left me exhausted. Today was horrible. I am having bad SI and sui thoughts tonight. Doing my best not to cut. I think I am just going to go to bed. Normally I see t on Tuesday morning but this week I don't see her until Friday

[nicoleb2]

Today is... ok.

Saw my t, discussed my avoidance of emotions, again.

Physical pain is high today, and I have a migraine for the millionth time this month

I did manage to get my daughters adhd meds changed, so thats a good thing for today...

[mommyof2girls]

Today is s good day.....I actually feel really good!!!!! I do hope this feeling will last.....

Okay guys.

I'm getting discouraged. I started up the brand name Wellbutrin xl on Friday. (I had been on a generic version for about a week that seemed to not be working at all.) I expected by now it would be kicking in and my mood would be returning to normal. But it hasn't happened yet. I am depressed (about a 6 or 7 on a scale of 10). I am exhausted; I could sleep all day if that was an option. So now I wonder, was this really a function of a bad generic, or am I really falling into another episode? This is too quick. The last episode was in November. Much too fast, even for me. Discouraged, discouraged, discouraged. Ugh.

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Okay guys.

I'm getting discouraged. I started up the brand name Wellbutrin xl on Friday. (I had been on a generic version for about a week that seemed to not be working at all.) I expected by now it would be kicking in and my mood would be returning to normal. But it hasn't happened yet. I am depressed (about a 6 or 7 on a scale of 10). I am exhausted; I could sleep all day if that was an option. So now I wonder, was this really a function of a bad generic, or am I really falling into another episode? This is too quick. The last episode was in November. Much too fast, even for me. Discouraged, discouraged, discouraged. Ugh.

Hang in there. My doctors have always told me that antidepressants take a few weeks to really take effect - and that's been my experience. Hope you're feeling better within yourself soon

It's 5.30am on Tuesday morning, and I haven't slept yet. I'm already thinking about my upcoming session on Wednesday...

Am still feeling quite chipper though, what's up with THAT?!

[growlycat]

My therapist hates me

[beauflow]

Originally Posted by growlycat

My therapist hates me

Hate is a strong word growlycat-- what would make you think you Therapist hates you?

[beauflow]

So I took in my summery,... Sorry I tried to edit my thing earlier but I got told my time expired, so left this thread and went to others in the day. I slept only a little again today before work.. TOday feels better than last week Monday

So I took my summery in- Told T about the whole few 3 weeks with more of what I call "down periods of things"--- She said at some points I sounded manic... but Idk, I am confused-- manic and sui go hand and hand? like I felt overly agitated, mad, worthless, guilt, anxiety, and bad bad sui thoughts.... self esteem high and low through this time as well--feeling awesome at times, but then at the same time worthless and guilt. And then I felt chaotic and up and down all around- I thought this rapid cycling and perhaps mixed state....

So=They are taking me off my meds..... Don't know if I am getting a new one to try-- I told them I was not sure.. I told them I was not sure with all of this; if it was the meds or one of my low high things.

My boyfriend said he was sorry he failed me-- He had promised at the beginning of this journey that if I started to act funny he would intervene,.. He has not in the way that I was thinking- He has told me is he does not think this mood stabilizer was right, and that he thinks this therapy is not doing me any good; He has told me that I need to tell my T about some sui things but then on Sunday he said don't go to therapy if you don't want to- WE already talked about not just telling me what I want to hear which I think he continues to do........
And I know and realize with all this- IT has to be hard on him too-- I am sorry I put him through this. He did tell me he thought more extreme things where the time to call-- so I guess this is my normal moody to him, IDK- I guess me at my worse or worse is the time to call.... but thing is-- I don;t want to be at my worse... and yes this month I took some steps back which I don't feel great about.

The bad part---- Is with me, I kept saying I have been worse, and it maybe the med but probably not and it was just me-- so him telling me things, really was not helpful (get of the med, go to therapy and talk, don't go to therapy if you don't want to)... I told him to start calling if I was getting bad again today- he has the power to....

I get messed up some times, I can just get so tunnel vision and not see things.... and that is with out meds.

IDK what to do and now I am getting upset again about this all and like unsure really with everything.

I've been up all night and all day... and although I feel dog-tired I'm still not confident I'll sleep. Therapy tomorrow... Oh gosh. I can't believe I actually feel scared to go and see MY T. She's lovely. This is so irrational... but... difficult topics! I don't think I've ever felt so vulnerable. I'm sure she'll make it okay, though

I'm going to paint my nails, then figure out something to put in my art journal for the day, then try to drift off. That's the plan.

[nicoleb2]

Day started out like any other, frustrating as hell.

Then, it's getting worse. I volunteered in my sons classroom (hes in 1st grade). His teacher thinks he has inattentive adhd, or he has some kind of processing disorder. He can do work verbally, but takes FOREVER to get it on paper and when he does, his handwriting is terrible. Things are getting worse as more work is expected. He's not getting anything done on time

[healed84]

Here.. although, I have been on edge all day, no panic attacks! Thank God! T got me in for and emergency session tomorrow afternoon, hoping that helps me out.

[Switch]

Here, although I really wish I wasn't. Not sui, just wish the floor would swallow me whole.

Went to class, late because I couldn't wake up. Class was okay, though I was zonked because of meds and depression.

And I kept running into people. 2 accounts were okay, but I ran into an old group of friends and I am SO NOT WANTED ANYMORE!! It was all silent, and really awkward and they all barely said hello! I don't know what I did and I don't know how to fix it!

The only thing I can think of is that they've been listening to a friend of mine who got caught up in my "I can't talk right now" depression phases and really offended that I didn't reply to his ONE text. But I never thought my friends could be so fickle!

I'm really hurt by this, but I'm trying to concentrate on writing an essay. Ugh! I just want the floor to eat me.

[ShaggyChic_1201]

Very excited - going to see my T again after 8 weeks away.

A long day at work! 11 hour days are tough, but I sure got alot of work done. I feel okay today. I am happy about that.

[shoez]

therapy was hard...but somewhat validating..even though I feel guilty for no reason.

sigh. I cant believe Im already counting the days to next T app.

[beauflow]

He did tell me he thought more extreme things where the time to call-- so I guess this is my normal moody to him, IDK-

Correction-- I talked to him this morning- and asked.. He told me that no, these past few weeks have not been my "normal moodiness"-- this makes me feel better.

I told him what scared me about this all-- that I really did think it was just me.
He feels bad and I tell him not to-- who would know this, and ya know being this my first time going on a something to "help" my mood swings, it is something of a learning experience.

Today, I have been alright, I went to bed late morning and got up early evening, I think enough sleep..
The only thing I have noted when waking up is that I am sick- my chest is so bad, and I knew earlier that it was getting bad but today I am like, omg I need to get in and see the general doctor to get them to listen to my lungs. I think it is just bronchitis which I get often enough during cold seasons, thankfully this year I do have my inhaler and have been using it. Push water and herbal teas I suppose- that is what I usually do. In reality I have had a chest cold sense Sept. but with all the stuff that has been going on- I just have been able to afford my depo shot and not a real doctor appt... I should be getting my taxes back here soon so I should be able to go in- no excuses.. I wanted blood work done too to see how my thyroid is.

sigh..... I need to call back the nurse, she called-- I am confused, like last night besides getting upset while at work about confusion with self, boyfriend, meds.... I was able to contain..
BUT later at work- i was like egotistic a little at some points but not so over the top over my head--- And see I get confused with what is the normal amount of feeling good of one self at times-- at least last night it was not as bad as some times when iget to the point of I am a genius and work with morons.... which is not very nice i don't think; see last night I felt good cuz i fixed something; i get upset with others for they don't try, i get agitated with others for many reason, i tried to remind myself to not worry- and just be like- I accomplished something----then get aggravated with myself that I am still working at this place!

I need a change i think--- but today has been good-- I made myself a logo..
I talked about how to better my side project business that i have been putting time in, but trying not to put too much money in....
I need to find motivation to make the bears!! Right now just jewelry which is so easy for me, like it takes time, but for some reason right now that is my obsession.... I get that way with things-- obsessed with things, then drop them for another, and pick them back up (most of the projects for i do find some enjoyment in them)....
This type of obsession I do not think is bad, but when i start to obsess over things as my dx's, others not doing things, or what they did, the future, bills, worries-- that is a problem... Trying best to not stew over things, trying best not to over react and all..
the project obsession i call it obsession for I get at times as if I HAVE to finish it.... -- have to. I can't just set it down and not leave it unfishished.. I get this way at work with things too... so i guess mild obsessions... I know I wont die or stuff... but just have to get it done, some sort of drive... I think it stems from either 1) dont want to get yelled at with some things. 2) I fear I will forget or not finish it,

Hopefully today will be a good day for me-- so far at home good
I am hoping I feel better soon over all and that the rapid cycling is over for this round.....

Ugh. I still feel badly. It's not looking like the wellbutrin is the issue. I have no idea what is though.

To add to it, my husband was diagnosed with a bone infection. He's a bit freaked out about it right now, rightfully so. This would explain the ulcers, the extremely brittle bones (he breaks bones all the time), and to some extent the level of pain he is having that isn't relieved by the morphine pump. We sat down and did some research tonight which seemed to calm him down a bit. He'll see his pain specialist next week and get more information about this then. (This all happened over the phone today.)

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by beauflow

Hate is a strong word growlycat-- what would make you think you Therapist hates you?

I am probably, likely off the mark. I've been seeing him for so long I think he forgets that I still need him. In the first stages of therapy he has very attentive to every meltdown. He's being more than a little unresponsive these days. Just because we talked about my past once doesn't mean it doesn't still haunt me.

"What do you mean you need support?"--he actually asked this. So frustrating, it seems like he is trying to hurt me. I should know by now he isn't. Maybe just pushing my buttons!

[kaliope]

Had appt with T today and told him how I just dont feel as stable since pdoc took me off Haldol in Nov and that my two incidents last week i would not had if i were on it. So he talked about how i needed skills to deal with what the meds took care of and Im thinking WOW-just what i wanted to hear. And he talked about seeing me doing the same things in therapy that I talked about happening. So I just loved the way session went but then instead of talking about what I can do to address the issues he gives me homework. Tells me he wants me to come up with two lists. One of things that arent working- the things that push me to the point of dissociation, the things I cant cope with and a second list of ways i think I can address these issues, things that will work. Well Jeez...if i flippling knew that, what the hell would I be going to therapy for????????

Hugs to everybody

[beauflow]

earlier I was thinking and I just got to say since I have been complaining or writing a lot on this

It could be that my boyfriend is afraid (but in the caring way) of my reaction if he was like, "we are calling your therapist and pdoc- you are getting worse"... the stars up above know I can be a very difficult person, I don't like being told what to do (especially in the right mood) and can be hostile if I feel attacked in certain moods... And in some ways if in the state of mind this could push me the wrong way...

ugh. people close to others, it is hard to say things that your not sure of their reactions.... I have to remember that.