[skysblue]

extremely happy that I have 2 sessions this week

[nicoleb2]

Having a rough day, really wish that I could talk to my t right now. I am on the verge of a panic attack and I don't know why

I've been asleep all day. Pretty much none stop. I woke briefly but felt so groggy I couldn't get up, then fell asleep for many more hours. Amongst other things, I know I dreamt I was vomiting...

Only had a therapy session yesterday but feel like I desperately need to talk to her, I have so much going on in my head at the moment, I'm so confused about life, I feel so desperate somehow, impatient to feel better, to do something. I feel like I need her to give me a goal, something to work on.. I don't know.. I feel like I'm losing my mind right now. I just need to make sense of something. Anything.

I would seriously ask her for another session right now - something I've never done - but I can't afford it. TOTALLY can't afford it.

I feel like such a crybaby - because nothing has happened, nothing is different, nothing has changed, I'm not 'in crisis' by any standard. And I know, I KNOW that some of you guys here are having a much worse time than me right now. I just feel lost, that's all. (Well, aside from being exhausted - and I still don't have an answer for that.) I need to suck it up though.

Mum's car broke down so I have to go and meet the farrier at the farm in the morning - I don't even know how I'm going to be able to drag myself out of bed and drive. Hoping I'll feel better :/

(((((hugs to all)))))

Edit: I emailed asking for another appointment. I think I need one. Fingers crossed, eh? I feel like such a douche for even asking.

[Evis]

Saw my T today. I see him twice a week. Today he told me that next week he won't be available on the day we usually have the second appointment for the week. Usually he offers an alternative day so we can maintain the 2 x weekly schedule but this time he didn't so I'll only be seeing him once next week. Now I'm convinced he's getting sick of being my only source of 'support' and he's just plain sick of having to see me.

[kaliope]

Welcome to Roll Call Kansas!

I am so tired. It is not like me to be tired, but it seems i am tired, exhausted tired all the time lately. All i did was sleep my four days off for new years and i get nearly 10 hours sleep a night, work for six hours and come home exhausted. I still have this cough but signs are there of it getting better. I got to wear jeans to work all last month so when i put dress pants on i noticed they were saggy, i weighed myself and i have lost 7 pounds, which is great because im fat, but why did i lose so much weight all of a sudden. is this all still getting over the stress of december?

so I had something comical happen. i got the best news of my life yesterday. i got to work and my boss catches up with me and is excited to tell me "guess whose playing at the lake?" well immediately my mind goes to my favorite band that broke up so i edit the rest of what i hear which includes march and the 15th. so i think my favorite band is playing march 15th at the lake. but then my boss is telling me the show is on jan 15, not march and im trying to figure out where i got march from. anyway, im estatic talking about renting a room and all the people were going to round up to go and how come she didnt call me in the middle of the night when she found out they were playing. i mean, i am so psyched. this band literally kept me alive while trying to find the right meds.."two more weeks and you get to see your band"...so i am skipping around for about an hour on cloud nine and i go share with another coworker that the band is playing a show and she asked me if i verified it and i told her no. so she brings up the venue on the internet and it turns out my band is not playing, its the March 4th marching band playing, so now i knew where i got march from. OMg, i was laughing so much at how much i edited what my boss said because i wanted to see my band so bad. i am just glad i wasnt crused discovering it wasnt them. I feel silly enough for getting so excited now over the wrong band, but it is a good thing that the March 4 Marching Band does put on a good show. Would I go see them under any other circumstance? probably not, but having committed to it unknowingly and looking forward to a night out and i know it will be fun. Besides, I havent been drunk since July, actually the last time I saw the band at a music festival. I probably havent had fun since then either. so i am looking forward to it. still i really wish my band would get back together. they were good for my sanity.

Hugs to everybody.

[mommyof2girls]

I am a mess.....all I can say.......

[beauflow]

Hugs to everyone first before I start

***********************************************'
I am sorry I will edit this;

I am upset that I am all over the place still with emotions, I am upset that the nurse has yet to call to ask how I am doing with the lamictal and I am to up it on my next dose.. I am upset that I feel so much anger, aggravation, agitation and just over all hostile feelings.

I keep saying that I am ok. and that it is ok. and that I am alright and the issues are all minute and that to say whatever and not to "blow them up".. it has been hard

I am upset that this whole thing with dx's I want to know more for the sake of understanding- People keep telling me to not care about it for it does not really matter- I understand that the true mattering is that oneself gets better-- but the thing is - I am a complex human- Some thing drives to me find out answers and to understand more- thus I have issues with letting this go even though everyone (fellow friends on PC, My Boyfriend, My therapist and Pdocs and so on)... Just don't care what the dx is, just get better with this treament plan.....

It comes down to 2 things mainly for me-- Are we sure of what you dx me with is me and the next is I just need to know for myself
The thing that really gets to me is that --- It is seemling over and over found that contridictions are made, and that really there is no real answer... which I can accept that but at the same time I can not accept that these people feed some bs and really don't know--- why can't people be honest with "we really don't know but these are theories and what we do know little on"... I can accept that-- I know not all can and that is sad part- if the majority of the people can't is the reason why they do this- I think that is sad if that is the reason.

BUT any who; I just feel so agitated.

It does not help that I forgot my cigs I need one right now rather badly.

sorry tried to be more structured.

Thanks Just Some Girl- your hug showed before i edited this

I have an extra appointment with my therapist later. First time I ever did that. I don't even know what I'm going to say. Freaking out a little bit. I just want her to make me feel better somehow. I didn't know what else to do or who else to reach out to. The way I'm feeling worries me. I need to feel better than this. Soon.

My T was so nice to me, and she did hypnosis with me like I hoped. It seemed to take me ages to 'go under' - I was just so agitated, twitchy and tense - but by the end I was practically asleep. So much calmer, so much more relaxed now. She talked to me for a while as well. She spent an hour and a half with me (til 7 on a Friday night) and then would only take half her hourly fee... I cried half the way home, not really sadness - I think it was relief from all the anxiety, and because I was so touched by her kindness, and just so thankful that I actually had someone to reach out to for help when I needed it and I actually got that help - in spades. I really didn't know if it would be okay, but she made it okay.

I'm feeling much more positive and able to deal with the coming days now. Hopefully I don't have to slip into that deep deep despair like I feel like I was. Maybe I can even sleep tonight?

[beauflow]

So---

I almost had a break down at work by the end of my day of the last shift-- I tried to remember what T told me on containment and safe place and all-- Containment is my issue and is what set me off into pacing around is cirlces out side and having issues breathing.. My head felt so funny and I just did not feel like myself and I was weeping here and there as I went to the bath room- My problem with containment meaning when am I allowed to unlock/release it. Ee don't do it very well in session- i feel like this is a crash course some days for therapy; and I am trying to take all that I can with it to learn from it. I ended up in the bath room basically the last 15 minutes of my shift to be able to talk to my relief for just a few minutes before skiddaling.. Ended up crying about 2 miles away from home in the car, i kept saying- Keep it in'; Keep in it...It is ok- you are driving right now-- I drove fine, and I did "keep it in" for the most part; then got home and felt blank/empty/numb/dead/exhausted/so on-- I wrote 12 pages of things that are bothering me and some on solutions perhaps- 12 pages of things that I feel as if just were brushing on top of issues.

So I will need to ask T my big question

How is containment not stuffing? Due to I contain and contain and yet I am not allowed to release it any where for it is "not appropriate" or I am unable to do due to it "upsets people"....which then gets me to feel numb, dead, and so on. And not only that-- It again just builds and builds and builds and builds till I am about to POP and that is no good for that is the stuffing it in a bottle as I do and several times been told (even as a child) that is not good to do. I am not understanding this containment as different from stuffing- and that is a major problem.

I am able to say for the most part- It is ok and it is ok and get through these moments and it is ok-- I think that can be good for the time as safe place, right?

And ya know - I sort of thought on that on my own- I guess writing is part of the releasing part for me (It Made me feel 50% better, though that does not fully satisfy me) and talking with my boyfriend really is a part of releasing when I am calm and we are talking and getting things sifted out (did that as well the other day too that made me feel soo much better)-- but what about the other parts of my life?????

I can not get validation with work issues-- and I am unable to do what the others do with brushing it off as they do.. Let it go- i get told always which in some cases are impossible for me.
Find a new job? What if that is not answer and I am the problem?

that is another issue- some things pop back up- I believe this is due to the first incidents were never resolved for me... what to do?

Any who-- yeah.. I had a lot written and deleted to this shorter version of this.

be well all and sorry.

hug to all that need them and for those that don't keep them in your pocket for the day you do

[Unrigged64072835]

Woke up early with a headache. Again. My sinuses are driving me nuts.

T was rough yesterday. We discussed work a little bit (I actually was productive that day), then delved into the nightmare about my brother. T came up with the same interpretation that h did, which made h happy when I told him afterwards. We also went through some memories about school and Christmas and running away from home. At one point T said he felt sorry for me during that time, and I almost cried. However, when I was sitting at home a couple of memories popped up of bad things that I did during that same time period. I need to tell T those things too, but I'm cringing. Will he think less of me? He's probably heard worse things, but not from me. I'm afraid he'll be critical of me like most of the men in my life were. That's the fear I have to face.

[geez]

I am going back to therapy it's just a matter of when. It may not be until sometime in March :-( Trying to get new insurance so I can have mental health coverage. I will probably have two T's for a little while.. my old T for talk therapy and a new T just for EFT. Have transference left over from old T I need to work through and some trauma stuff. Starting school this month and I'm nervous about dealing with all of this at the same time.

This is going to hurt like hell.

Feeling very peaceful and rested today. I've been listening to music for hours and hours, just feeling relaxed.

[SoupDragon]

Actually I think I am OK today and have come to the conclusion that my life needs stirring up a bit with some change - first I am going to sell my house

I fail at therapy just like I fail at every other single thing I have ever done.

[nicoleb2]

I am feeling awful. Switching anti-depressants from viibryd to imipramine. I'm pretty sure I am going through viibryd withdrawals

[delicatefade26]

I have been all over the place emotionally today...and its not even past supper...maybe that means its time for a nap : /

[kaliope]

so i am really thinking something is wrong with me. one thing i am staying away from PC and i love PC. I am still tired all the time and sleeping a lot. As i said in my last post, i had weighed myself on tues and saw that i lost 7 pounds. i weighed myself today and i have lost another 3 since then. i have been having problems eating. i have always been a bad eater, like it is 830 and i have yet to eat anything today. i have been forcing myself to eat something every night because i know i should eat but i cant even finish eating what i make. last night i had chicken salad on a slice of bread that i could not finish. i invite my son out to dinner so that i can get a good meal but i can only manage to take a couple bites of veggies and potatoes, but i did eat the whole slice of prime rib. but it was really hard to finish it. nothing sounds/looks appetizing and the process of chewing and swallowing seems like such a chore. on top of that, smoking has lost its appeal as well. i have been forcing myself to smoke out of habit, which is stupid i should just go with this one and not smoke, but i am wondering WTF is going on. but still, i have only smoked three times this weekend instead of a whole pack.

well i hope everybody is well. hugs to all.

[nicoleb2]

So i switched from viibryd to imipramine. Don't know if that what is causing it, or something else. I have hit the I dont give a fck I want to quit attitude...

[Nelliecat]

Well I think my energy from yesterday is slowly deserting me. But that's ok, there's not much I HAVE to do today. Got a man coming round (oo-er) later to fix the fence that blew down in the wind, got to go and pick up more AD's from the chemist. I think a whirlwind happened in the night, the house definately needs attention of some sort!

[WePow]

Spent a lot of time this weekend cleaning out stuff from my atic.
It is difficult because my nature is to keep everything.
So that was challenging, but I did it. I am exhausted from doing it, but it feels good.
My T is supporting me through this process. But it makes me withdraw a bit from society.

[beauflow]

so--

Therapy I don't know-- today was ok, i just felt like I was babbling- one of those sessions with me like wtf am i here?

I am sorry I get that way- I have issues and I want to work on them but some times I feel either 1) Just deal with this stuff (which yes some things is yes with that other things are to work on) 2) I found my solutions in ways before coming to therapy (always get told- it is really good that I am self aware and that I talk to my boyfriend on my stuff-- virtually it is most of it- if not all of it eventually). 3) I just feel so damn blank and down today.

T said she would like me to do something-- 3 labels i put on me that are negative and try to change them to 3 labels that are positive or that I want to be.
will try

we did talk about containment and stuffing-- I don't feel that I got a resolved thing to this- Yes we talked about how they differ-
Containment is just pushing it aside for the moment to deal with it later
Stuffing/bottling it up- is not having the intentions to come back and deal with it

I told her I did both and it also come down to -- When and Where is it OK to come back.. I only get this some times with my boyfriend in the end.

We talked about my job- and then about finding a new one due to one major thing is that no one cares there, everyone does their bare minimal this even upper management- it is more about image of what you put off than the work that you do, and that they allow jokers to lead the jokers that lead the rest-- meaning some of these people are utterly chaotic with how they "manage" things

We did talk on what i had skimmed on one day- and came to conclusion with: about neglected or abused children and always striving to get that validation/love/acknowledgement from their parents, and they try and try and do what they can get nothing back-- I do believe this is part of me with my work in jobs.... and it just simi re-traumatizes me more due to I either get yelled at for doing my job, or going above and beyond; and no recognition with it from others-- the most i get is an email at the *end of the year*--- is thank you for what you do-- bs email of that, what is that i exactly do that you are thanking me for?
T did not really deny or try to stop this way of thinking- i think I may have something there right? T did suggest about finding a better fit of a job for me- I told her I like my job it is the people...

LOL.. i make myself laugh- i laugh because it is bs for me-- unless I am like fortunate with another field with the people-- i think i will have similar problems, may be worse, may be better.

sigh-- it will be all good

Well hugs to everyone- really-

Oh and I can relate to WePow- it sucks to get rid of stuff- even if logically i can say it is trash- I can't throw it out- it is very hard to-- i have to keep it, it is important... pack rat Beauflow is...
But go you for doing what you need to do-- it all comes down to us some times to do what we need to even if it is hard.

I've had another pretty lazy day, lots of sleep... I don't think my T would approve of that, lol. I did go riding though, so that's a plus at least! Since the hypnosis session I still have a feeling of peace and calm, like I'm smiling inside. It's nice, but it's strange - I'm not used to feeling good

I lied to T about not being able to make it to either appointment this week. I really will be out of town on one but the other, I just dont want to go. I need a break...so I am taking this week off and maybe next ... I know me, if I make it past this week I may never go back to T. I was fine before T and Ill be fine after.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by beauflow

Containment is just pushing it aside for the moment to deal with it later...

I can imagine containment being just watching, not making any decisions immediately -- watching and thinking about what is going on...