hi. i am not doing great today. i am not working but i feel like spending money because it's Christmas and i love to shop. for some reason, i have lost almost total confidence. i have not been sending out many resumes and i've not been getting responses. i need to do more but cannot bring myself to do it and don't know why.

i've been sufferering from complex PTSD from abuse received primarily on prior jobs. i work as hard as i can but it's never good enough. i am naturally slow and preoccupied with negative thoughts that i challenge cognitively but which exhaust me and waste my time. i cannot tell you how unhappy i am and how difficult my life is. i am dealing with anxiety, depression and fear issues constantly and am feeling overwhelmed. often, also, due to bad feet, i am usually in constant pain.

i see a T twice a week but it's not helping much. i don't know how i'm still alive but i do know that i am tired of suffering. the things in my life that i'd like to change can't be changed. i will always be gay and unattractive. i do not have a charismatic personality. further, people treat me badly. over and over again. i can't deal with it and don't know what to do. it seems like i've really given up and just keep trying half-heartedly. it seems that's the best i can muster. but, it's not good enough. what's the use?

[beauflow]

UnhappyGuy-

I am so sorry that you feel the way you do- I wish a hug could take it all away i really do. no one should be so down, depressed, in pain and so on. And alone on top of it.

Do you have family or friends to talk to?

Ya know - the good enough part- I have had issues with that from past family issues, nothing is good enough on what i do some times-- but ya know the truth in the matter of it that I try to remind my self is-- is it good enough for me? Forget the rest with it all. I try and that is some times we all can do.
Holidays are rough -- know that too well-.. this year i tried to make things, went to the dollar store and have some craft stuff left over cuz I like to do art and crafts..... It is something that is made from the heart ya know?

I hope you happier days, I hope your feet get better in some sense i know some physical pain does not go away but maybe there are remedies that can help with dulling the pain..

I am sorry people have treated you badly over and over.. I am sorry you are having so many issues with work, love and life in general

Please remember- keep trying- I know that is some times hard to accept but it is all that some can do some times.

I do wish you well

Back from my therapy session. Have been feeling almost upbeat, but in a numb kind of way... so it was strange to be in the room, in that chair, and to try connect with my feelings about things - not usually so much of a problem. My mind kept going blank. There was a lot of the time, especially at the beginning, I was just like 'uhh, yeah..' -- I hate the way I'm sometimes not being able to be eloquent and provide meaningful responses, because I think it must seem like I'm not taking things on board, or that I'm uninterested - not the case... My T seemed to leap straight into an agenda today, which was good because I didn't have a clue what I would have wanted to discuss. We mostly talked about assertiveness, and in particular the mother/daughter relationship... Hmm . EFT/tapping made its comeback, too, but I actually think I can live with it this time -- it finally dawned on me that it has to be a better coping strategy than the ones I've been using. Even if it IS weird -- and I do still maintain that it's weird. It would be easier to continue to be stubborn and resistant and refuse to do it ever again - but I say I trust my T? I trust my T. She reckons this will help? Okay then. Just because something is outside my comfort zone doesn't mean I shouldn't be open to it - I see that now. My own 'comfortable' ways of dealing with things weren't working too well... (and just how did it become comfortable to be so self destructive, anyway?)

Had a nice drive home, singing along to the radio...

And now? Books to read and things to ponder.

[kaliope]

I feel on the verge of tears, but they wont come. I am just overwhelmed. I woke up very anxious, thought to take klonopin but didnt have it with me, just to make the day easier, just to spite pdoc who didnt want to prescribe it thinking it would be overused.

Started the day handing out toys for toys for tots and when i was done with that shift i immediately had a client and then straight to the staff christmas party. We had an ornament exchange where everybody brought a giftwrapped ornament and drew a number. the first person picked an ornament and opened it. the second person got to choose, a new ornament or they could steal the first persons ornament. so it goes down the line. there were 25 of us and i was #24 so i got to choose between the wrapped ornaments left or the 23 that other people had alread opened. so i stole a glass duckie ornament because i wanted it for my daughter who collect rubber duckies. well the woman i stole it from, her husband was #25 so she told her husband to steal it back. so there are 25 people crammed in this living room and they all start chanting "steal the duck, steal the duck". It was so overwhelming i almost started to cry. i know it was all in fun, but another part of me was thinking why are my coworkers turning on me when they know how much i want the duck. i left the party as soon as the ornament exchange was done. went back to work and sorted thru 4000 pounds of food to find stuff to put in our christmas baskets. I am just physically and emotionally exhausted.

I hope everybody is well. Hugs to all.

[PleaseHelp]

Having kind of a low day. I didn't want to be at work, I didn't want to be at home. I wanted to spend some time with my SO b/c he wasn't studying. We didn't really do much and then he went back to studying. I'm feeling abandoned, which is weird b/c he's home. Missing the girls.

Should be happy that my brother in law and fiance have announced to everyone that they're expecting in July. I've known for sometime that they were expecting. They were trying to keep it quiet b/c another brother is getting married in January and they didn't want to take away from their wedding. I have all these feelings and I don't know how to explain them or express them. I feel like crying and yelling all at the same time. Why can't I just be happy for them? All of them. Why can't I be happy that 2 of my SO's brothers are getting married this year and that the one is expecting a baby? Then I start thinking "We'll now be the only ones in his family not married. Is there something so wrong with me that he doesn't want to marry me?" I know his reasoning and he has been more open to the idea lately, but still struggling with all this. I also know it was my choice to not have my own kids, but still hurts finding out that those close to us are having a baby. I'm going to quit rambling now.

((((Everyone))))

[nicoleb2]

Today is a mixed kind of day. I am VERY relieved that the cub scout Christmas party I was leading is done.
Emotionally though, I don't know how to put into words how I am feeling right now

[beauflow]

((Everyone))

Today was odd- I went to court for my ticket-- Surprising that went well as everyone said-- I started to grind my teeth though as I was waiting due to anxiety though- I need to get a hold of some of this. The Road sign is TBA right now-- and I was told IF i get a bill-- meaning the guy I was talking to said- you'd be surprised how many times they just don't charge for -- yeah cuz the tax payers already paid for it and them some I am sure-- But I am still expecting a bill to be honest with you all- It is just how I am. I expected to be poked with a fork with stuff and royally usually. Not that i don't believe I don't anything, I do sort of want to pay for the sign though I can't afford it but as my Boyfriend said-- You and I and all the tax payers have already paid for a sign for each of us already.

I got rather depressed earlier today after court though-- I am so mad at people at work lately- I was told I had to take down my snowflakes-- It is not business appropriate- then I get told that at work, some of the employees, at work during work- are doing a flash mob basically the day after I had to take down my snow flakes--- I did tell the co-worker telling me this- you all wonder why I take things personally, it is because it makes no sense- a flash mob at work, while you are working is OK but my snowflakes are not... whatever.

Not only that but they had their pot luck which no one told me about- Usually every year they at least invite me but this year they did not even do that-

I feel triggered by these people- they make me feel alone. I cried, felt numb then went to slumber-- so slumber so that I was late for work and had trouble getting up.

Sigh-- I see a Pdoc in about 6 hours, IDK what to tell her and I just don't know.

Sadly I asked my boyfriend the other day-- do you see patterns in me-- he paused and said, not really- you are always emotional... I think that rules out Bipolar does it not? IDK whatever- I am just so tired of this- And I have not really been uplifted today

I did do a nice thing- I took those snowflakes that I was told were not ok for work, and I put them on my raindeer candy canes and I gave 3 of them out to coworkers to which I get along with (well 2 coworkers, 1 to my supervisor cuz we may *****@eachother but ya know we have understanding plus her dog is sick- i feel bad for her, she only has her dogs).

Any ways--- it is a quiet night- I may not have a pot luck to fill up my whole day with attending part to a flash mob but I do find work to do that relates to the business.. I am not liked here i think- I am getting to the point again of I DO NOT CARE- they will get my ****youattitude soon enough like they usually do around christmas cuz they pull this stuff with singling me out- I don't see how taking down my snowflakes and saying some bs and then having a flash mob AT work- is not singling me out in some way- please do explain if I am missing something....

Oh And I wrote something in coping in emotions that I guess should had fit more here or some where else....

I wish hugs could take away all the pain-- I get so tired of the pain coming back of things that were of past and that I feel are back again in some form.... I wish hugs could,I wish crying would help like it does other people, instead of me feeling numb and not here and not giving a damn really.... I am just so tired of this all-- I am tired of people at work, I am tired of the holidays, and I am just tired of putting on a fake mask to please everyone. I am tired of distrusting, I am tired for being me and taking what people do as signs as their character .. I am just so tired.

I wish it was spring here.. at least the snow would be minimal and we could see some green grass. And it would not be so cold- I hate winter some times- the cold goes right through me- it is like when I am down, even me physically partially shuts down, i feel it. I get so cold.

But I will try as always to find smiles.

My boyfriend started cleaning up the house when he got home last night-- I do appreciate that he does what he can, I as I mentioned one time, it baby steps.

He is supportive, he was not mad about my email with all the things i was upset with the other night- and I wrote another email to set the plan on what we are doing to my supervisor since she was out today and just keeping her in the loop.

BE well All--- All things shall pass as will sadness right?

[mommyof2girls]

I had a very good day!!!! I acomplished all that I had to do, and had a GREAT therapy session as well.... I really think that I am going to like this new therapist!!!!!

[Nelliecat]

Not too bad at all. Had a lovely relaxing candlelit bath last night, was in bed and asleep by 8pm, slept right through to 7am this morning. I must have needed it. I've had enough energy to do a couple of hours cleaning this morning. The house really needed it!! Kids break up from school today so I'm sure it won't last! Anyway, onto the bathroom and ironing next. Will need another early night tonight at this rate!

[delicatefade26]

My body is rebelling against the exhaustion...I just don't feel so great..I called off work which I hate doing but I need this so much right now just to stay home! I'm going to write in my journal like T asked so I'm looking forward to really getting into that today...I see T Monday so I just have to hold out the weekend

[skysblue]

Today, December 16 is the one year anniversary of my beginning therapy. It is an auspicious day for me. It was that Thursday last year that was the first step in my long journey towards self healing. Thank you, T.

[roadtrip]

Was suppose to see T twice this week but my body laughed at me. A chronic health issue prevented that from happening. Taking med now and I feel a lot better! Anyway health issues are no joke! I don't like it when my body doesn't function like I want it too. I am very thankful I am on the mend and it is not a worse condition then it is.

Thinking about the end of the year type things today, like what I did last year with T and what I want to accomplish this next year. He told me about his summer vacation a few months ago so I'll probably be around for a while.

Maybe I'll start to celebrate the holidays as it does not feel like them. So much stress but now thankfully I can exhale some.

[beauflow]

Well went to the Pdoc- i felt really out of it before the appt. but I managed to talk to her... I brought up what the "big issue was" with the other pdoc-- lol this pdoc had forgotten all about it- and she said she remembered after I brought it up and she thought I was not going to see her---

We were both confused a little on this appt- she said she felt it was too short and should not have been a "follow up" appt- but we talked- I am sorry we went over time again- i seem to have a nack with doing that.

She suggested Lamicatal in low dosages at first-- I explained to her partially well the feeling I have with meds- (did not mention the failure part; but that I do not wnat to be blank and not to get worse)- so this was nice to here; I want to be better but I don't want lithuim.. and she is respecting that right now. SHe even said she wants me to take this weekend and think and look it up.

Sigh--- I am glad I see T before this pdoc and mine talk on Tuesday-- I am glad she is open and respects my caution with medication...

I am sorry to the previous pdoc-- i think due to him being male, and things just with me I may have been a little harsh and I am sorry.. It is not that i do not like guys- I love my boyfriend, but-- then again i have known my boyfriend well be going on our ffth year soon.

I am glad it is friday- one more work night which I get to leave early to make up a meeting i had to go to in November. I am glad this week is almost over for me.

Hugs to all and be well

[kaliope]

I am getting sick from all the stress I am putting myself under working so much. I woke up with a headache and a sore throat this morning. Started the day with Toys for Tots. While I was helping one gentleman there was a crash and cry from the lobby. A person was in the midst of a full blown seizure so I had the fire dept and paramedics come. Then I had to keep serving the other families as if this whole situation was going on. Then back to the office to do my timecard and turns out I worked 11 more hours than I can claim. (I can bank them and flex them out later, so I will eventually be paid for them)

I am just so exhausted....so glad it is friday.

Hugs to everybody

[nicoleb2]

Anxiety filled day Texted my t a couple of times. I can't handle feeling like i have an elephant on my chest and have to try to breathe. Freaks me out big time.

stressing out over some major changes in insurance and costs and trying to figure out how we are going to make it

[bennetta]

Hope to have a good day tomorrow.

My husband has broken his left ankle, again. He has reflex sympathetic dystrophy and the severe osteoporosis results in broken bones from time to time. His leg is so swollen that his skin is actually splitting. He started bleeding profusely twice today -- like severe arterial spurting -- blood everywhere. It's scary, but it has happened several times before, so we no longer call paramedics; we have learned to deal with it ourselves. I was actually able to get all the blood out of his clothes; that in itself was amazing. His pain level is really severe right now and I know he is feeling quite hopeless and desperate. RSD is an awful disease.

I'm doing okay. Not superb, but not bad either. More or less stable.

[kaliope]

Wow farmer girl, make sure to take care of yourself while you are taking care of him.

Well its official. I am sick. I even went to bed way early last night. It seems I woke up every hour. Now I can only hope that it doesnt move into bronchitis. All night it was weird dreams of people meeting me to pick up things, massively chaotic. Definately too much toys for tots. My boss asked if i wanted to do collections this weekend and it was like she already had two to three people at each post, so it was like Hell no. im not gonna freeze my butt off just to stand there as decoration. Plus she said that she canceled all pickups for monday, and i didnt sign up tuesday cause i have T, nor wed cause i have an early client. So i dont have to do it again till next thrusday. it will be a nice break. i do however have to still organize and pass out the chrismas baskets on mon and tues so the stress will still be there. but the end of the week, it is done.

i went to mail my daughters and grandsons gifts yesterday. it was two of those big giftbags. i got her a fondue pot and the baby like five outfits. so i put it in a large box that just fit the two gift bags to mail. because of the size they wanted 56 dollars to mail the package. i almost fainted. the pot was only 26 dollars. so i had to mail it parcel post for 17. They say it wont make it before christmas. seriously, its going to take more than 9 days to send a package. why is that? so frustrating.

hope everybody is doing well. hugs to all

[crazycanbegood]

today was better. yesterday i was so upset after a therapy session i was ready to end it all. now i am calmer and back to my status quo depression/anxiety

I couldn't get to sleep last night because I was stressing about going to a friend's house party tonight - a group of people entirely made up of my old colleagues, who haven't seen me in a year - since I quit when I finally fell apart because of the depression/anxiety that I'd tried so hard to hide. I'm not the same person I was when they worked with me. I don't fit in with them anymore, I'm no longer part of the group. It was SO difficult to be there tonight. I tried to act happy and join in, but it was exhausting and I didn't really manage to pull it off. It would have been better if I'd not gone - but my friend had said she wanted me there and I'd not wanted to let her down, but I really don't know what it achieved, my being there - apart from making me feel like crap.

I've felt nauseous all day. On the drive home, bearing in mind that it's so cold I'd had to de-ice my car - for the second time tonight - I felt so hot and sickly that I had to wind the window down. Hot flashes like I'm menopausal, just another way the anxiety manifests. Feeling on the brink of a full blown panic attack.

I got home and checked facebook and found that the ONLY group photo that included me - of all the photos that were taken tonight of everyone else having a good time - made me look so fat and ugly. Well no, not made me look that way, just PROVED I actually look that way. I am mortified. I had foolishly thought I looked quite nice tonight, with my outfit and my makeup... even thought maybe I'd started to lose a bit of weight, and had even thought to myself just a few short hours ago 'hmm, maybe I don't look so bad after all!' But,the camera doesnt lie. I've gained about 2 stone since I left work last December, as well as turning into a nervous wreck. I can just imagine that these people, who had probably already been saying stuff about me behind my back anyway because they know why I had to leave work, must now be conferring about what a state I've become -- mentally AND physically.

Literally, after seeing that photo, I feel like that's it. I don't ever want to eat again. Or leave the house again. I can't stand for people to SEE me like this. What have I DONE to myself?!

I have another commitment to go to tomorrow. A meal (which will be difficult anyway just because it seems I can't eat proper meals anymore without having a panic attack) With more 'friends'... because it's Christmas: ARGH!! I really just want to get out of it. I do NOT want to go, I do NOT want to have to pretend I'm having a good time, I do NOT want to pretend I'm enjoying food that makes me feel like I want to throw up or faint, and I do NOT want to spend time with any of these people. I'm ashamed to be out in public. I need to hide away until I can fix myself up. Physically and mentally.

I've come crashing back down. Reality has hit me again. It's easier to be in denial about how bad things have got when you're shut up in your room on your own. Being out there in the world just shows me how much I've changed for the worse - physically and mentally and in every way possible.

[nicoleb2]

I took my 6 year old to a cub scout event. He had a great time, learned a lot, and his favorite was volleyball (which is tough for a 6 year old with low muscle tone and only weighs 40 pounds). Thankfully they had a beach ball he could use. I am SO proud of him!

Now I am back to reality, and I am super stressed again. Money issues abound, and now I think I might have a uti, but i don't have time to go to the doctor and find out.

Can I crawl in a hole and hide?

[Unrigged64072835]

My h and I survived my friend's holiday party. We actually had a lot of fun but it was kind of weird to see her get trashed. It was like the more she drank the younger she acted. I thought she and one of her friends were going to brawl over a wrinkle remover! It was also uncomfortable to be around parents whose kids are in sports, cheer leading and dance...and my daughter wears a dog collar, draws web comics and wants to be in a gay pride parade. Thankfully she has her own group of friends at school and we're supporting her as best as we can. Still there were some somewhat awkward conversations...

One more week of hell at work. Pdoc on Wed--she's a psych resident so it will be interesting to talk to her about current side effects and see what she comes up with next. T on Friday--finish up the autobiography and hopefully nothing left hanging over the holidays.

Back to laundry and house stuff. Blah.

[kaliope]

Fharraige -I am glad to see you are supporting your daughter as she expresses herself in her own way. Yeah for good parenting.

I have been sick and it is getting worse. Fear it will go into bronchitis. Slept like crap night before last waking like every hour so last night I took a klonopin and a couple generic sleeping pills and slept straight thru from 1030 to 4am. That was nice, but I am still not better.

I am supposed to go out to lunch with a friend today but I do not know if I am up to it. Mainly I dont have the energy to get dressed and do my hair. I have been cleaning some this morning because my apt is such an unorganized mess I just cant stand looking at it anymore, when really I just want to cuddle up on the couch and watch TV. But I just cant relax with the mess.

Hope everybody is doing well. Hugs to all.

[WePow]

made mistake last wed after session of being too joyful of the connection with my T and telling him so in email then asking for a short reply. there was none. but he wrote friday night to set up an apt for two weeks but we already have one for next week.

decided it was better to not do that again. deleted every email ever from and to him. and tried to do self hypnosis that i dont care anyway about him. lol at self.

last session when i told him emotions hurt too much, he didnt understand. i think i sometimes feel things far too deaply. he spoke of emotional regulation. so i know how to turn them off...

Feeling somewhat better tonight -- after being in a foul mood all day and dreading going out for the Christmas meal this evening, it actually wasnt as bad as I thought. It was actually okay. Good, even. I participated in conversations, I ate my food (which was actually really nice) without having a panic attack or feeling sick, and I was part of the group and didn't feel like an imposter or outsider for once. I can barely believe it...!

Maybe I just need to accept that people I was once closer to and now feel disconnected from are not destined to be in my life the same way anymore, but that maybe I can forge new connections with others over time.

Things are fluid, always changing - and I can't go back to who I was before, I need to realise that, but that doesn't mean I have to stay the way I am now. Our experiences shape us, and maybe I need to go through all this so I can come out the other side stronger, more enlightened, maybe a better and more understanding person than I would have otherwise have been? Maybe this will set me up for a more positive direction in life. Or something. Maybe it's like that film 'Sliding Doors', where you think 'if only [this] or [that]...' but a seemingly inconsequential event can completely change your story. Maybe my story is meant to be this way. Maybe I was meant to miss that metaphorical train, as 'twere. Who knows, right?

(Yeah, thoughts can run pretty deep and surreal at 3am. )