[Kiya]

Dear T - soon to be old T as we are terminating tomorrow,
How is it that you can wound me so instantly and effectively?
You essentially demand a letter from me telling you where we went wrong and where the ruptures were (since you didn't listen to me when I told you in person). Then as we are "in the closure process" (from HELL i might add), you tell me you want me to tell you all the good things I am taking away- "since you were so articulate in telling me what all I did wrong, Kiya". OUCH!!!!.
SO (bad word bad word bad word) I sent you another letter telling you what went well, what I would be taking away, how you modeled important things for me. I felt so bad about how you phrased "articulate in what I did wrong" that I felt broken hearted and put in the title "YOU ARE STILL MY PERSON" as well as in the body of the letter.
Today, you send me a reply saying thanks for that... and instead of the title being "Re: You are still my person" it said "Closure work".

She took out "you are still my person".

She took it out. She's no longer my person. just like that. a cut to the heart. Another contradiction. she says "Were in a relationship that goes on". she gave me a stupid gorilla holding a heart. she took away "you are still my person". how can she wound me so swiftly and effectively? How do i let her? WHy am i even going tomorrow. I should walk in, hand her a flower (it's her b-day), say good bye and walk out.

I cut the heart off the gorilla. I gave it to owlet for her bag of things that T has gven her. THe gorilla i threw back on the pile of stuffies. No hear. just the red patch that shows were MY heart used to be and the jagged edge that remains. I should know better by now. Therapy sucks. "trust me trust me... give me your confidence.... " WHAM. pull the rug out every other time or two... keep plying me back like a dog with a bone.... WHAM. I must be RALLY damn gullable.

[rainbow8]

kiya, I'm so sorry. I don't have any words to make it better for you but I want to tell you I care.

(((Kiya)))
I'm so sorry for the pain you feel. I wish I could make it go away.

(((((((((((((kiya))))))))))))) best we can tell you is that we completely understand. we experienced something very similar back in november as well. we rarely reply or post here but we identify very much with you.

[CantExplain]

I hate and despise closure work.

If you didn't hear me in the sessions, why should I tell you now?
And if you've already lost my trust, why should I listen now?

It might be different if we were parting because the time or money ran out.

But if it ended badly, what do we have to say to each other besides, "See you in Hell"?

I am so so so sorry.

[mcl6136]

I am sorry as well.

And honestly? Something about your post really struck home with me. It goes like this:

During my most awful moments with my T, what I noticed was that my T would reflect back to me, THE MOST NEGATIVE ASPECTS of what I said about my life. None of the growth, the triumphs, the stretching that I did, just the negative.

For example, when I said, well, my job is going really well lately, and I've raised more than 180K for my organization, and I have put new computer systems in place, but I don't know if I want to work there long term....T would say "so you're just surviving in your job."

And I would be like....WTF?

Or, I would say....I've gone out on a few dates...I felt more comfortable with the whole endeavor, though it's still a stretch....my T replied ..."So, you're not really connecting in an intimate way." Well, not yet....but could I please have another few days to work on this???? Sheesh!

And yet...and yet, when it came time for "closure" , my T said.

I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEVERAL SESSIONS IN WHICH WE TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU FOUND HELPFUL IN THIS PROCESS AND WHAT WENT WELL.

Helpful?

Really?

When it comes to evaluating YOU, I must stick to the HELPFUL, but when we talk about my life...we emphasize the brokenness, the downsides, and the negative.

At that point, it was all over but the shouting.

And yes, I did suggest that I might want to offer an evaluation that took in the fullness of my experience. It did not go over well.

CE said it best...if you didn't hear me then...why should I tell you now?

I've decided to move on. I posted about this phenomenon and frankly, felt that a few people on this forum leaped to my Ts defense and were like....gee, maybe T meant x or maybe t meant y or gee, this is all about you....(?) but after this pattern repeated itself many times, I could not help but conclude that my T reflected and validated only my weaknesses and points of pain, and heard none of what I said about my progress and my strengths, which I could only conclude...at some point, was my T's CRAP and not mine!

[Kiya]

Thank you all.
Yes, that was how it was for me also:
"During my most awful moments with my T, what I noticed was that my T would reflect back to me, THE MOST NEGATIVE ASPECTS of what I said about my life. None of the growth, the triumphs, the stretching that I did, just the negative. "

She told me (like ever other or 3rd session) that I was "still living a marginalized life" and how that was problematic and not where she wanted me to be. Yet I just GOT to this point! I've only been away from my abuser 2 years, even if I am still living in state housing. I was with my abuser for 10 years. This is still a milestone for me! No, it's not perfect, no I don't want to be here forever, but still let's look at my accomplishments! Nope; just "you're not progressing, you're still in state housing, you're still mentally ill (a phrase I've never heard her say except to me (she speaks a lot and always uses "mental health"). No one believed me when I told them that - the staff have never heard her say that either. She's said it three times to me. "NO no," they say, "You must have mis-heard her."

Anywho - I ended up going to the ER yesterday instead of my apnt because I was a wreck and in crisis. So, now, I am in partial hospitalization for at least 10-12 days. Thanks T. Glad I could count on session being helpful.
Glad that is over.
Glad I am getting treatment daily, 6 days a week.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Oh my gosh Kiya.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( kiya ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I have a virtual KITA for yr T. First to assign you, then to cut you for doing what she asked; then to assign you to take it back, essentially. Grrrrr...

I am so sorry for your hurt. This whole story kills me. but I can't help feeling that this is not the T for you. (((((((((( kiya ))))))))))

[Kiya]

Nope. You're right. And I'm not meeting again with her, we terminated. Saw her tonight at an event and she pounded my shoulder, saying "Good to see you here, Kiya" and that was it. I felt like I'd never been in relation with her at all. And that was ok. We chatted a bit more on her way out and she said she was glad I am in the partial hosp program. I agreed and said I feel well cared for (talk about un-meant hidden meanings - that could have been translated as "unlike YOU, T who DIDN'T care for me well enough".) Later I couldn't decide if I should have said that or not - but it is true. So, oh well. What she reads into it is her own deal. I don't have to worry about it any more. I feel better today knowing that I feel SAFE because I am going back to the program tomorrow, and the next day and next....

[growlycat]

I sounds a little like she is emphasizing the negative because you did--BUT she is the Therapist and should not lash out at you with barbs like that. Sounds like she is being petty --I hate to say you will be better with a new T.

No T should minimize your accomplishments! No one can take that away from you!

[Kiya]

Thanks GrowlyCat - I think you're right too. In fact this was one case where literally every time I spoke up to people about what my sessions were like, people here in PC and in my life said that, for the past year! Little slow to acknowledge it I guess.

LOL there is a group therapist in this program who reminds me of t in that every time someone says something about their life, she redirects it to herself; "back in my 20's when I had depression...." the first time was ok, it was her relating to us... but EVERY TIME? really? LOL. Someone brought it up to their therapist, I'm glad and hope it will help for next group.

[dinosaurs]

stay safe sweet kiya. im really glad youve found some help during this time. i think it was an amazingly courageous step when you moved out of home away from damaging family and continue to manage your life in your new place. you could always have a think about ways you grew during your time with t. not to please any agenda she may have had, but to show self that your work is paying off. take gentle care of you during this period kiya.

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by mcl6136

I am sorry as well.

I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEVERAL SESSIONS IN WHICH WE TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU FOUND HELPFUL IN THIS PROCESS AND WHAT WENT WELL.

If T wants ego strokes, be sure it is on HER dime! Is she paying you for this career feedback?

agreed...sounds awful. Hope you find a better situation.

[Kiya]

Partial hosp is interesting... some triggers and one I needed to remove myself from - but then my therapist found me (was coming to get me anyway) and so that helped. Today wasn't o bad - but slightly boring Then we did some art. I like art. Yet that particular group therapist reminds me a LOT of my old T. *sigh* Ah well, they can't all be perfect

[ECHOES]

((( kiya ))) sending lots of hugs!

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by Kiya

Then as we are "in the closure process" (from HELL i might add), you tell me you want me to tell you all the good things I am taking away- "since you were so articulate in telling me what all I did wrong, Kiya".

Kiya...WTF? OMG! Holy freakin' *****. Sounds like your T is asking for an ego boost. This is nuts.

Originally Posted by Kiya

Today, you send me a reply saying thanks for that... and instead of the title being "Re: You are still my person" it said "Closure work".

She took out "you are still my person".

She took it out. She's no longer my person. just like that. a cut to the heart. Another contradiction. she says "Were in a relationship that goes on". she gave me a stupid gorilla holding a heart.

Okay. That is just cruel.

Originally Posted by mcl6136

During my most awful moments with my T, what I noticed was that my T would reflect back to me, THE MOST NEGATIVE ASPECTS of what I said about my life. None of the growth, the triumphs, the stretching that I did, just the negative.

For example, when I said, well, my job is going really well lately, and I've raised more than 180K for my organization, and I have put new computer systems in place, but I don't know if I want to work there long term....T would say "so you're just surviving in your job."

And I would be like....WTF?

Or, I would say....I've gone out on a few dates...I felt more comfortable with the whole endeavor, though it's still a stretch....my T replied ..."So, you're not really connecting in an intimate way." Well, not yet....but could I please have another few days to work on this???? Sheesh!

Oh.My.God...your T's behavior is completely unacceptable, MCL. You were making progress and your T squashed it. Completely minimized and trivialized it. Now I get what your other post was about. This is awful. I'm so sorry this happened to you!

Originally Posted by Kiya

Anywho - I ended up going to the ER yesterday instead of my apnt because I was a wreck and in crisis. So, now, I am in partial hospitalization for at least 10-12 days. Thanks T. Glad I could count on session being helpful.
Glad that is over.
Glad I am getting treatment daily, 6 days a week.

I'm also glad you are getting help. I want to kick your T's @ss.

Originally Posted by Kiya

Partial hosp is interesting... some triggers and one I needed to remove myself from - but then my therapist found me (was coming to get me anyway) and so that helped. Today wasn't o bad - but slightly boring Then we did some art. I like art. Yet that particular group therapist reminds me a LOT of my old T. *sigh* Ah well, they can't all be perfect

I really am glad you are getting some help, but unfortunately, no they can't all be perfect. Good luck to you!

[nannypat]

my old T told me on more than 1 occasion that I was not good for his " ego"
I am sorry you are feeling so badly. T's can really do a number on us. I hope you can find a more helpful T soon.

[nicoleflynn]

Originally Posted by mcl6136

I am sorry as well.

And honestly? Something about your post really struck home with me. It goes like this:

During my most awful moments with my T, what I noticed was that my T would reflect back to me, THE MOST NEGATIVE ASPECTS of what I said about my life. None of the growth, the triumphs, the stretching that I did, just the negative.

Obviously, she is NOT a good t. They are supposed to lift you up and point out the strides/growth you have made!

For example, when I said, well, my job is going really well lately, and I've raised more than 180K for my organization, and I have put new computer systems in place, but I don't know if I want to work there long term....T would say "so you're just surviving in your job."

And I would be like....WTF?

WTF! Maybe she is jealous. She took a positive and made it a negative. That certainly wasn't "just surviving" That was taking ACTION and doing something amazing. Jealous

Or, I would say....I've gone out on a few dates...I felt more comfortable with the whole endeavor, though it's still a stretch....my T replied ..."So, you're not really connecting in an intimate way." Well, not yet....but could I please have another few days to work on this???? Sheesh!

And yet...and yet, when it came time for "closure" , my T said.

I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEVERAL SESSIONS IN WHICH WE TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU FOUND HELPFUL IN THIS PROCESS AND WHAT WENT WELL.

I don't know why, but it sounds to me as if she wants this to be about HER and what SHE has done right.

Helpful?

Really?

When it comes to evaluating YOU, I must stick to the HELPFUL, but when we talk about my life...we emphasize the brokenness, the downsides, and the negative.

At that point, it was all over but the shouting.

And yes, I did suggest that I might want to offer an evaluation that took in the fullness of my experience. It did not go over well.

CE said it best...if you didn't hear me then...why should I tell you now?

I've decided to move on. I posted about this phenomenon and frankly, felt that a few people on this forum leaped to my Ts defense and were like....gee, maybe T meant x or maybe t meant y or gee, this is all about you....(?) but after this pattern repeated itself many times, I could not help but conclude that my T reflected and validated only my weaknesses and points of pain, and heard none of what I said about my progress and my strengths, which I could only conclude...at some point, was my T's CRAP and not mine!

Your conclusion was CORRECT.

Hugs, Nicole (undergraduate in social work/counseling) and..Ph.D in..common sense

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

Your conclusion was CORRECT.

Hugs, Nicole (undergraduate in social work/counseling) and..Ph.D in..common sense

hahahah. *grin*. yes that has been the conclusion hands down by every- single- person I have spoken with, including one dr and one therapist.