[2or3things]

I think it’s fundamentally unfair and crappy and not OK that, in order to have the "privilege" of slogging through the miserable heartbreak of accepting that my Mom wasn’t much of a mom, I have to have my heart broken via an unrequited mom crush on my T. It really, really sucks.

That's all. I just wanted to say it. Although, feel free to discuss if you like...especially if you see some way of working through the mom stuff w/out feeling the T feelings.

[SoupDragon]

I know .

Are you able to talk to your T about this?

[mcl6136]

You call that a rant?

Honestly, the fact that you can actually write about your unrequited mom crush to me, evokes someone who is far ahead of the game!

I had a crush like this in my 20s with a female T that really rocked my world. I thought I was psychotic ( I may have been), then thought I was gay (I wasn't, though I am probably bi). I held off from stalking her because I'm basically really a private person myself but I turned every conversation into an excuse to discuss my therapist...I'm sure it annoyed the hell out of everyone. But that was a positive transference, and it was a walk in the park compared to the negative one that I have ranted about in this forum for the last several months. Now those were rants. Can anyone serve up something with a little more....well, juice here or will my tepid response have to do? Because my recent transference has faded, leaving me to have to work on myself. Talk about a drag!

[sorrel]

Absolutely I hear you, 2or3.
I can offer empathy, at least.
I think the thing is to feel the grief and loss for what we never had, but in a safe environment now.
But yeah, it sucks.

I've been thinking the same thing myself recently, though you say it so much more coherently than the way these thoughts have been circling around in my head. My therapist and I have been connecting so deeply recently--the week before last we exchanged "I love yous" aloud for the first time. I had a bad experience with my last therapist, so it makes this connection all the sweeter. I just can't/don't want to imagine my life without her (another mother abandonment of sorts). The unrequited part is hurtful enough, but my problem is that in the back of my mind I'm already thinking about having to end with her at the end of next summer because I will be moving. I'm trying to think about the present and enjoy our time together, but I can't help thinking about the excruciating pain of losing her in 10 months. Reading on PC about people who have been seeing their therapists for 20 years, I'm so envious and wish, wish, wish my living situation were more stable and my therapist could actively be in my life for the next 20 years. I know this topic will come up as the time nears, but I also don't want to bring it up too soon bc I don't want her to distance herself to protect me.

Originally Posted by 2or3things

I think it’s fundamentally unfair and crappy and not OK that, in order to have the "privilege" of slogging through the miserable heartbreak of accepting that my Mom wasn’t much of a mom, I have to have my heart broken via an unrequited mom crush on my T. It really, really sucks.

That's all. I just wanted to say it. Although, feel free to discuss if you like...especially if you see some way of working through the mom stuff w/out feeling the T feelings.

((((((((((2or3things)))))))))))

Yes, it does seem fundamentally unfair. I'm sorry.

Unfortunately, I know ALOT about transference. Much more than I ever cared to know.

I wish I could provide some insight which would help you work through the Mom stuff without feeling the T feelings, but honestly, I believe it is in this space where the potential for healing begins.

[Perna]

I hear you. It got much better for me as I learned to like and appreciate myself better/not need a mom and to view my T as a good/beloved mentor rather than a mom.

[dismissed feelings]

I always feel like I have to second guess whether T is trying to "provoke" me into transference or if he is just annoying to me sometimes. IOW, I sometimes wonder if he is being sincere or tempting my reactions and therefore I usually assume he is sincere and play along. Not sure whether that is a good approach for me to take but I do not want to accuse T of trying to "provoke" me if he isn't. Sometimes the smile on his face pixxes me off, though. It's so creepy thinking I am supposed to guess when T is serious. I am constantly trying to read Ts mind and therefore I bet I miss a lot of things or say the wrong things.

I went though a phase in therapy where this was SO. RIDICULOUSLY. PAINFUL. I actually read an old post of mine yesterday recapping a session with T where I told him that it felt SO UNFAIR...that I wasn't loved as a child, and now here I was in another situation where I wouldn't be loved, at least not in that adoring, all-encompassing, parent-child way. And that it just sucked that I was sitting there hurting in that way all over again. T was like "it DOES suck"...because it DOES.

It flares up from time to time, but way less often than it used to. Completely one of the mysteries of therapy for me...where did it GO? I do love T, but not in that LONGING kind of way that I used to. I wish I knew why or how it changed, so I could tell you and give you some hope.

It really stinks that in some twisted way, pain and healing so often go hand in hand.

[cmac13]

Yeah I am one of those people who have had the same therapist for 20 years. it scares me to think about her retiring, she is 67. We have discussed this a bit, and she says she is happy to still be working. She told me that because of the length of time we have had together in this relationship that she is open to me staying in contact with her after she eventually retires. She said she will never just "kick me to the curb" and wipe her hands clean of me. And yes she is a "mom" figure to me.

For me those painful "mum" feelings were coming out in my everyday live. Hooking onto other women hoping to be rescued etc, oh god it hurt bad. At least in therapy we both aware of them and T can me find my resolution. Its working I don't have those painful feelings in my everyday live now and the relationsgip with T is now understandable and manaable to me.

I am so there with the BS of transference. I don't see the "help" factor either. My T doesn't touch or hug either and that makes it suck 10 times more. If you get an answer l'd likke to hear it. I feel for you sister!

[Nelliecat]

Yes it's completely rubbish and like earthmamma I would latch onto older colleagues, friends and so on in a desire for maternal feelings to come my way, but I suppose I'm now in the right place to explore that. Still rubbish though.

[MysteryGurl]

Its really is horrible i went through unrequited transference today, I told my T how i feel about her, she said i was just a client Those were her words. My heart is broken. I am not going back to a person who thinks I am JUST A CLIENT. I am a person with feelings.

[Nelliecat]

MysteryGurl

I would be absolutely heartbroken if my T said that to me. Really feeling for you. Don't they realise that we just can't take that kind of bluntness.

Nelliecat

[MysteryGurl]

Yes it took so much guts to tell her and I really put my heart out there and she just stomped on it. She really put me back in my place. I booked no more appointments with her. I just walked out. Not going back to therapy. Therapy hurts too much

[2or3things]

Can I just say that I love you guys? I love you all (in the way that we can "love" strangers who feel close, anway) for your willingness to share yourselves / your struggles / your experiences to help someone else out. I really, really appreciate each and every one of you.

I'll say more individually as time allows. But for now, thank you all SO much!

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by 2or3things

Can I just say that I love you guys?

I know, right?! I feel the same way! And we can't even see each other! (but maybe that's why? j/k!) So what is this 'just a client' stuff? My T says "schools of thought are changing" on whether to be warm or cold (my words, not his). I think I mentioned before, one t I had one session with, whose office was decorated completely in wooden sticks - like a boat theme or something - and after I left, I thought, including the stick up his patootie. There ARE humans out there, you just have to look for them. My previous short term female T was also amazing.

[Nelliecat]

Originally Posted by 2or3things

Can I just say that I love you guys? I love you all (in the way that we can "love" strangers who feel close, anway) for your willingness to share yourselves / your struggles / your experiences to help someone else out. I really, really appreciate each and every one of you.

I'm feeling the love and I'm still a new girl - thanks everyone!

[granite1]

god if i ever saw my T as any kind of mother figure i think i would have to inflict bodily harm to her or i would at least stick my toung out at her

[ladyjrnlist]

Originally Posted by 2or3things

I think it’s fundamentally unfair and crappy and not OK that, in order to have the "privilege" of slogging through the miserable heartbreak of accepting that my Mom wasn’t much of a mom, I have to have my heart broken via an unrequited mom crush on my T. It really, really sucks.

That's all. I just wanted to say it. Although, feel free to discuss if you like...especially if you see some way of working through the mom stuff w/out feeling the T feelings.

I had the same thing only with my father/T. Still getting over it. It SUCKS. But it's worse if the T doesn't handle it appropriately. You may think you want the hugs and loves from your T, but you don't, trust me. It just makes things worse.

[Nelliecat]

Originally Posted by ladyjrnlist

I had the same thing only with my father/T. Still getting over it. It SUCKS. But it's worse if the T doesn't handle it appropriately. You may think you want the hugs and loves from your T, but you don't, trust me. It just makes things worse.

Hi Ladyjrnlist
That's interesting because I do get lovely maternal (in my mind) hugs from my T and she knows I see her in that way. Can you share a bit about what would make things worse? Do you think with the love/hugs we get too close/dependent on T? It's all confusing me!

Nelliecat

[Ygrec23]

I've read through your very nice thread here for information that would help me on my quest, but you all seem to be ahead of me. Which makes this thread a great place to ask questions. The vast majority of you seem (I think) to have had sub-par Moms in one way or another, and (Big "AND") seem to be seeking out mother substitutes or at least people with maternal behavior. This is strange to me.

I feel none of that. When faced with mother substitutes or maternal behavior I head for the hills. The idea of T being a mother to me is pure HORRIBLE.

So why this difference? Why do some people with low-grade Moms keep looking for a good one and others run away? Does it have anything to do with what appears to be a very slight male participation in the thread?

Take care!

I have a male T. I'm not looking for a mom substitute (like you, ygrec, I would head for the hills. just the THOUGHT of seeing a female T completely freaks me out). I think I'm just looking for someone safe, who sees me.

But at the same time, there is what feels like parental transference. Not "mom" transference or "dad" transference. Just this big longing that someone will cherish me in a safe way.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Ygrec23

Does it have anything to do with what appears to be a very slight male participation in the thread?

That is an excellent question, and I think the answer may be gender RELATED, but not DIRECTLY? I am with granite (and others) in this, I cringe when anyone here says they want their mommy (sorry, that's the least offensive I can be about it!). HATE IT!!!

I wonder if it can be broken down by types of attachment: the securely and insecurely attached do want their mom, but the others of us - the dismissives - say no whey, Hose A? And then what characteristics did those babies have in common? I was big - too heavy to be cuddled much? There really is a huge difference in a 5lb & a 9 lb infant. Does a big girl seem less endearing, less feminine from the beginning? Just thinking of my baby pictures compared to my tiny favored younger cousins (M & F).