[SoupDragon]

So had my session with T yesterday - there was a marked difference in me, I had been very disconnected and overwhelmed last week and had sent T a very open detailed e-mail.

However I am feeling much more powerful this week, can take on the world (almost ...) - I think T grabbed the opportunity for me to explore more helpful ways of dealing with the bad times (you know not the maladaptive ways).

So that is my task for the week to think about what the vulnerable bit of me needs.

I look at my kids and know exactly what to do, what their needs are if they are sad:- hugs, holding hands, listening, soothing words.

But I know if anyone offered me any of that when I was feeling sad, I would run a mile.

I do feel stupid, I know all this stuff in my head, I know the theory, I know what to do for other people, but I just can't do it for myself.

Can I really go back next week and say I don't know what it is I need - I just can't work it out. Arrh! It is so frustrating.

Yes are allowed to go back next week and say "I don't know what I need" because these things operate at different levels, therapy isn't a linear thing, it spirals. Different parts of yourself are at the forefront at different times. Yes intellectually we know what we are supposed to say we need, but these are at times very young needs and they appear confusing to our adult mind. Just go with it.

Hello, SoupDragon. My suggestion is for you to go back through as many of your posts as you can access to see what you talk about and if there are any patterns that are discernible. Next, think about what others do that bother you. Are there boundary issues you need to deal with? Then listen to your negative self-talk. What are you saying to yourself (besides you are stupid) that you might debunk and reformulate as a positive?

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

Hello, SoupDragon. My suggestion is for you to go back through as many of your posts as you can access to see what you talk about and if there are any patterns that are discernible. Next, think about what others do that bother you. Are there boundary issues you need to deal with? Then listen to your negative self-talk. What are you saying to yourself (besides you are stupid) that you might debunk and reformulate as a positive?

Thankyou TheByzantine - yes maybe it would be very beneficial for me to do this - my head does seem to journey all over the place with me following behind - maybe there are patterns that I am missing, that may well be triggered by my interactions with others - would you believe that I totally overlooked that one "I feel stupid" as negative self talk - it felt like fact. Thanks again - Soup

[Nelliecat]

Hello Soup, I can completely identify with you so I probably won't be much help. I am exactly the same and in tune with my kids. I know what they need, don't need etc and am also the same with friends but when it comes to me there seems to be a barrier and I don't seem to have a clue. All I can say is when it comes to me I try and remove 'me' and make believe I'm talking to a friend. Weird, but it seems to work a bit.
Nellie

[Sannah]

Your exploration of the inner child this week would be a good route for this I think.

Hi Soupdragon

When I came to therapy, I didn't know that I HAD needs. Like, for real. I bet a lot of us were/are like that.

I couldn't have gone directly from "no needs" to "I know what my needs are and how they could be met". T used to ask me "what do you need?" and I just felt like "what are you talking about?!".

One thing I've seen T do over the course of my therapy is make me ask to have my needs met and then meeting them. Not just emotional and earth-shattering things...things like "could you turn off the fan?". I've probably asked T for more things than everyone in my adult life combined, seriously. Identifying those kinds of needs - it's too cold in the room, or the blinds are triggering me and we need to close the curtains, or whatever - have really helped me recognize that hey, I DO need things. And the more T helps me meet those kinds of needs, the safer I feel identifying deeper needs and asking for help with those.

I wonder if you can think of little things you need? Maybe they are things you are already getting, even. Like "I need a place to come once a week to be able to talk about things and feel safe".

You're not stupid, at ALL. This stuff is really, really hard.

Be gentle with you

[SoupDragon]

Thankyou for your posts. I have done some thinking and realise my needs were not met as a child. So I guess now not having needs means I don't have to face the disappointment of not having them met.

[SoupDragon]

Treehouse, I realise T has been throwing in needs stuff, do I want a drink of water, is it hot / cool enough, is the sun in my eyes etc. I hadn't seen this as identifying needs. Of course when T says any of this I say no I am fine. I realise also that I have no idea how to respond if my needs were to be met and maybe this too is an obstacle.

(((((((((Soup)))))))---I am in league with all here ()--just saw this. I like Sannah's suggestion...check out the little girl in you? She used to ask for things only for herself. Children are like that, yeah they are! LOL. Took me many years to give her any credence at all..now I see that she is wiser than this ancient "Adult"Grandma who is me--oo-she's more fun; she's so silly! Other people enjoy that part of me also.

You? the adjective "stupid" with you? Nah, they don't mix. Nope, Nope, Nope!

Soup; you actually see me. So few do. What an amazing ability you have to identify the need in others! You "broke my fall" with your wonderful songs you posted in Pods. You saved me! I was in a bad way. Even further along, we all get mulled down by old perspectives of ourselves. And if there is someone with your great depth of sensitivity there to give a hand up.....it is wondrous.

Apply that soothing, golden love to you? You more than deserve it!

You are sooo many; it is complicated, overwhelming to figure how to change your way of looking and seeing your own needs as paramount to the needs of others.

I have faith that you will overcome and master this task. After all, how can you keep "Giving" if you don't replenish yourself? You are so much more than you relay in this thread.....

You may "feel stupid"--but how you feel does not define who you are.

As I said before, you are many, you are complex; this just makes things harder. Thinking too much is oftimes an enemy to us. Do you practice Mindfulness? Helps me alot!

I am thinking of you. I know you will get through this. You are so very "Golden"!
-----------------------------------------always----------xoxoxoxoxoxotheo

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by theodora

(((((((((Soup)))))))---I am in league with all here ()--just saw this. I like Sannah's suggestion...check out the little girl in you? She used to ask for things only for herself. Children are like that, yeah they are! LOL. Took me many years to give her any credence at all..now I see that she is wiser than this ancient "Adult"Grandma who is me--oo-she's more fun; she's so silly! Other people enjoy that part of me also.

You? the adjective "stupid" with you? Nah, they don't mix. Nope, Nope, Nope!

Soup; you actually see me. So few do. What an amazing ability you have to identify the need in others! You "broke my fall" with your wonderful songs you posted in Pods. You saved me! I was in a bad way. Even further along, we all get mulled down by old perspectives of ourselves. And if there is someone with your great depth of sensitivity there to give a hand up.....it is wondrous.

Apply that soothing, golden love to you? You more than deserve it!

You are sooo many; it is complicated, overwhelming to figure how to change your way of looking and seeing your own needs as paramount to the needs of others.

I have faith that you will overcome and master this task. After all, how can you keep "Giving" if you don't replenish yourself? You are so much more than you relay in this thread.....

You may "feel stupid"--but how you feel does not define who you are.

As I said before, you are many, you are complex; this just makes things harder. Thinking too much is oftimes an enemy to us. Do you practice Mindfulness? Helps me alot!

I am thinking of you. I know you will get through this. You are so very "Golden"!
-----------------------------------------always----------xoxoxoxoxoxotheo

Thank-you Theo - yes I had not thought of that - feelings do not define who we are - I must remember that at such times. Yes maybe I do need to seek out that girl whom I hate so much, (like others did). Feels pretty scarey though - take care Theo- Soup

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Treehouse, I realise T has been throwing in needs stuff, do I want a drink of water, is it hot / cool enough, is the sun in my eyes etc. I hadn't seen this as identifying needs. Of course when T says any of this I say no I am fine. I realise also that I have no idea how to respond if my needs were to be met and maybe this too is an obstacle.

Can you respond differently next time your T asks you about your comfort? Instead of the automatic response that you are fine can you actually check in with yourself and see if you are comfortable? Do you think that you are so outwardly focused when you are with others that you cannot feel safe enough to check in with yourself? This might take you a few tries until you are able to check in with yourself in someone else's presence.

[Perna]

Sometimes I find the whole "What do I need?" question and thinking about it too intellectual and have better success if I think more concrete and to ask, "What do I want?" instead. I figured out one day when I was alone that I wanted an ice cream cone and making that happen for myself was one of the best days/lessons in my life this far! Don't think so "galactic" like you are looking for THE answer. Find a single item that would make you feel better or that you want right this minute? Adults aren't so simple as children; if only because they have 20+ years more life experiences than children? While a hug might equal comfort to a child, an adult has a wider range of responses for what such intangible words as "need" and "want" can mean.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

I do feel stupid, I know all this stuff in my head, I know the theory, I know what to do for other people, but I just can't do it for myself.

"I know it in my head but my heart doesn't believe it." - I still have this problem. I sometimes wonder if affirmations would help.