[skysblue]

So, T's gone a month and I'm leaving on my own journey today. Everyone thinks I'm going on 'vacation' but in actuality I'm going to say my last goodbyes to an old friend. I had also believed it was going to be easier on me handling T's vacation with me being so busy on my trip. I think I was wrong.

I'll be seeing an old friend whom I haven't seen in a couple of years. She moved across the country to live with her son and her son's family. She has a degenerative brain disease that results in dementia and also loss of balance and other body functions. I know I will be shocked and dismayed when I see her.

In the past I've always been able to be tough and strong. But since starting therapy I've opened myself up more to emotions. I'm in a more vulnerable place of 'feeling'.

I will be there for a week staying with the family. Right now I'm feeling devastated that I won't have a chance to have any contact with T. This realization is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I hadn't known it before this morning.

This will be the last time I see my friend. It will be the last goodbye. I'm feeling the need for T.

[Nelliecat]

Sending you some

[WePow]

sending good thoughts your way

[rainbow8]

That sounds tough, skysblue--but I'm sure you'll feel glad that you had this time with your friend.

About contact with your T. Didn't she tell you that it would be okay to contact her and she wouldn't charge you?

When we need comfort, it seems logical to want to get it from our T. Maybe you can visualize what she'd say to you about this situation (did she know about your plans?) and how she would help you.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

That sounds tough, skysblue--but I'm sure you'll feel glad that you had this time with your friend.

About contact with your T. Didn't she tell you that it would be okay to contact her and she wouldn't charge you?

When we need comfort, it seems logical to want to get it from our T. Maybe you can visualize what she'd say to you about this situation (did she know about your plans?) and how she would help you.

Thanks Rainbow
Yeah, T said I could call and leave messages but she won't be back in the country until Nov. 21st to retrieve them.

But, it's o.k., I really really do know what to do. I can handle these emotions. I have the skills and who knows - maybe it won't be that emotional after all.

I'm very familiar and comfortable with the idea of death and the passing on. I'm less comfortable watching suffering. I took care of my mother her last days and it was grueling - both physically, emotionally and mentally. Boy, I sure could have used a T then.

I am usually the strong one and I am usually the one offering support. I don't know why this situation seems like it might be more unsettling than usual but maybe just because I've been through some tough stuff lately.

But, I'm confident it will be o.k. It just would have been nice to be able to touch bases with T. Not to be, though and that's o.k.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by skysblue

Thanks Rainbow
Yeah, T said I could call and leave messages but she won't be back in the country until Nov. 21st to retrieve them.

But, it's o.k., I really really do know what to do. I can handle these emotions. I have the skills and who knows - maybe it won't be that emotional after all.

I'm very familiar and comfortable with the idea of death and the passing on. I'm less comfortable watching suffering. I took care of my mother her last days and it was grueling - both physically, emotionally and mentally. Boy, I sure could have used a T then.

I am usually the strong one and I am usually the one offering support. I don't know why this situation seems like it might be more unsettling than usual but maybe just because I've been through some tough stuff lately.

But, I'm confident it will be o.k. It just would have been nice to be able to touch bases with T. Not to be, though and that's o.k.

keep us posted! You have a LOT to draw on!

[nannypat]

That sounds sooooo tough.

[SoupDragon]

Sounds like you have been used to hiding your feelings under a dust cover somewhere and instead focused on supporting others. I am thinking it must therefore feel very different to be aware of your feelings and for me I know I would be scared of how I might react and what others may think of this "new" me who does show emotion. You have to adjust to the change in you, but so do those around us.

I am beginning to realise that more than anything, showing emotions, shows that we feel, that we care - I am not there yet, but maybe it is a good thing to feel that stuff and be emotional? I can completely get wanting T to be around though - it is through the hard work with them that we have felt brave enough to feel.

Sending hugs to you - it sounds like a really important visit you are about to have. Take care - Soup

[ECHOES]

skysblue, you are a most compassionate and kind friend to travel across the country to see her. Whether or not she is able to display her delight in seeing you, in your gift of your visit, I am sure it will be felt within her.

[Wysteria]

Hey SkysBlue...

I really admire your courage and steadfast friendship in being with your friend as she enters this phase of her life. I hope you can also look at this time as a very treasured gift that you two will share together. Being with someone and witnessing their courage and being able to laugh and cry and be there for each other as you say your "see you laters" will be something that you will never forget and lessons that you will cherish forever. I'm sure you have probably already read some of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's stuff, but On Death and Dying which I believe may have been one of her last, was truly beautiful in terms of cherishing these types of moments and the presence, wisdom and love that is shared. I'm so sorry that your T is not here to share these moments and support you, but I'll bet you'll actually be quite strong and full of joy and tears and need her most when you come back and she comes home. I hope you'll keep your journal handy and write daily all that you are feeling and experiencing so you can keep it close to your heart and ready for T when she comes back...

Sweet gentle huggles for you and your friend..I'm sure the angels are watching over you both and your time together...

Wysteria Blue

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Sounds like you have been used to hiding your feelings under a dust cover somewhere and instead focused on supporting others. I am thinking it must therefore feel very different to be aware of your feelings and for me I know I would be scared of how I might react and what others may think of this "new" me who does show emotion. You have to adjust to the change in you, but so do those around us.

I am beginning to realise that more than anything, showing emotions, shows that we feel, that we care - I am not there yet, but maybe it is a good thing to feel that stuff and be emotional? I can completely get wanting T to be around though - it is through the hard work with them that we have felt brave enough to feel.

Sending hugs to you - it sounds like a really important visit you are about to have. Take care - Soup

It's true about hiding feelings. My mother was stoic and I guess I grew up to be stoic. Neither my H nor my mother really supported expression of emotions. So, I learned to repress them. I had an amazing discovery during therapy. While stuffing the negative emotions like fear, anger, etc., I also inhibited my ability to feel the positive emotions. So, when people would ask me, "you don't look happy." at a happy event I would protest, "yes yes, I'm happy." And I thought I was but it was more intellectual than emotional happiness.

So, now that I've tapped into that reservoir of what makes us human, I'm faced with how to 'feel' enough but at the same time not to get overwhelmed.

Oh - there are some advantages to being in control of emotions. During earthquakes when my H would jump out the window 'saving' himself, I would be cool and calm and collected and make sure I got the kids and got them safe.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

skysblue, you are a most compassionate and kind friend to travel across the country to see her. Whether or not she is able to display her delight in seeing you, in your gift of your visit, I am sure it will be felt within her.

Well, she's isolated now from all her friends since her son had moved far away. And given her condition, it's impossible for her to make any new connections. My goal is to try to 'be' with her and meet her where she is. I'm also thinking that I could support the son and his wife in their agony of decision of whether to place her in a nursing home or not. The stress of the family is intense and they have a small child to raise also. I personally support the decision of going into nursing home. I hope my children would do that if I were in a similar situation. I would not want to negatively burden my own family. People should take care of their own - but only to a point. When it begins to damage and impact the health of others, then different options must be considered.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by Wysteria

Hey SkysBlue...

I really admire your courage and steadfast friendship in being with your friend as she enters this phase of her life. I hope you can also look at this time as a very treasured gift that you two will share together. Being with someone and witnessing their courage and being able to laugh and cry and be there for each other as you say your "see you laters" will be something that you will never forget and lessons that you will cherish forever. I'm sure you have probably already read some of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's stuff, but On Death and Dying which I believe may have been one of her last, was truly beautiful in terms of cherishing these types of moments and the presence, wisdom and love that is shared. I'm so sorry that your T is not here to share these moments and support you, but I'll bet you'll actually be quite strong and full of joy and tears and need her most when you come back and she comes home. I hope you'll keep your journal handy and write daily all that you are feeling and experiencing so you can keep it close to your heart and ready for T when she comes back...

Sweet gentle huggles for you and your friend..I'm sure the angels are watching over you both and your time together...

Wysteria Blue

You're right. Honoring and attending to the period at the end of our life is a most sacred attitude because it is a most sacred time.

I know how to take care of myself during this time. I guess I don't need T to give me any coping skills or anything like that. It's just that to be able to talk and share the experience makes it more bearable. There are not too many people who can manage intense situations like this and to burden friends or family is taking a step they may not be able to handle. Either it's too much for them or they just can't understand and 'meet' you in that place. And I don't want to dump my stuff on others. So, that's what's great about having a T. They are trained to listen to anything.

[WePow]

I admire you for doing what is honorable. I am sure your T will feel that same way when you do get to meet up and talk it over.

[granite1]

sky i am sorry to hear about your friend.it is often so hard on the people who care about your friend.i went through this watching my stepdad suffer from ALS .i hope you will be able to get some suport from your dear friends family durring your visit.it is a hard thing to do.i will be thinking of you and please keep us updated on how you are doing