[granite1]

in a post by onlymedid she asked about should she tell her T about missing her?and how should she.
someone responded with a comment saying that she didn't see a point in doing this and that stuck with me.
i have been struggling hugely with missing my T lately(something really new to me) and i really don't understand why so this is all interesting to me.
in thinking about it i also cant see a point in telling this to my T in fact i am terrified to tell her this because i think if i do she will be completely repulsed by me and totally push me away to protect her boundaries .
i really am interested to know what benefits people see in telling there T this when they miss them so much.and if you have did you get any benefit or satisfaction in doing so ? was it a bad outcome.was your TY accepting of it.
i could never tell T this and totally understand onlymedid's concerns.just wondering about others opinions and advice about this.
WHATS the point in telling ?

[stopdog]

One of mine asks me if I missed her whenever there is a break of some sort. I do not know why she asks, but based upon her asking all the time, I guess they expect to be missed. Therefore I think they could be told without it being any big deal to them that a client misses them.

[granite1]

i never missed any of my T exsept this one i dont know why i miss her i hardly talk to her.i think if she asked i would probibly say no.the thought that i care about her,or that she knows this terrifies me to the core.nope would never tell

[unaluna]

I am starting to think that T is like a personal trainer at the gym, only they are "exercising" and building your emotions and your brain. If they ask if you missed them, it is like they are asking if your muscles were sore after your last workout. This is how they can tell if what they are doing is working or not. They know you are going to sweat, either physically or emotionally - they are not going to be repulsed by it, they expect it, actually the more you "sweat", the better. Actually, since I have been working so hard physically on my apartment the last few weeks, I have been getting more in touch with my feelings in session, physically and emotionally, so I think my example is not TOO farfetched.

[harvest moon]

I can totally relate to your post granite1. In fact during the past weeks I started missing terribly my T for the first time, even though I've been seeing him for 2 years. I could never tell him...
In my opinion, the whole point of telling them is not to see what their reaction or answer will be, but to manage to do so, as a proof that we are not afraid to communicate our inner feelings and thoughts. As a sign of trust towards them. Maybe it will also be a good starting point to explore why we suddenly miss them. Maybe something else is going on that causes us to feel we miss them that we are not aware of? Something unexplored, that needs to come out.
So I really believe that if we manage to tell them, it will be a truly good sign of trust and of not being afraid to feel a little vulnerable and unprotected towards them.

[ladyjrnlist]

My T crossed the line with me and I still miss him after four months. I can't stay mad at him. I think it's natural to miss them, we get very close during therapy. Hopefully, your T will understand this. You should say you miss them if you do. Why not?

Originally Posted by granite1

in a post by onlymedid she asked about should she tell her T about missing her?and how should she.
someone responded with a comment saying that she didn't see a point in doing this and that stuck with me.
i have been struggling hugely with missing my T lately(something really new to me) and i really don't understand why so this is all interesting to me.
in thinking about it i also cant see a point in telling this to my T in fact i am terrified to tell her this because i think if i do she will be completely repulsed by me and totally push me away to protect her boundaries .
i really am interested to know what benefits people see in telling there T this when they miss them so much.and if you have did you get any benefit or satisfaction in doing so ? was it a bad outcome.was your TY accepting of it.
i could never tell T this and totally understand onlymedid's concerns.just wondering about others opinions and advice about this.
WHATS the point in telling ?

When we "tell", it becomes shared, even though thats small comfort, its actually the warm part of "missing". It puts another dimension to it.

Since you're missing T is new, something must be changing. It probably means progress in one area or another. Your T needs to know this - it may be something she's been working toward or expecting. I think ANY changes in how we feel about our T's that last more than a day or two need to be explored. It's all part of the process - being open. I miss my T all the time, so there's nothing new there, but I have shared with him when I can't get thoughts out of my head. Looking back, I can see now how they related to different aspects of therapy and the progress I was making, but I sure couldn't see it then. But by telling him HE knew what was going on and was able to guide me until I finally came to the realizations myself. It's all part of the trust thing. I hope you can trust her enough to share this with her and not worry that you'll be "judged". There's no right or wrong in missing her.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by granite1

i am terrified to tell her this because i think if i do she will be completely repulsed by me and totally push me away to protect her boundaries.

Is she often repulsed?

Does she push you away a lot?

The key point of TELLING is to be HEARD.

Who else would listen to this stuff?

By the way, I love your avatar. It seems so appropriate. You're stuck in the corner of a concrete dungeon when you should be flying among the flowers!

[Irine]

It depends. First reaction may not always be the best. But if you wait and the T brings up the subjects....there can be a more lovely response...

[onlymedid]

Originally Posted by granite1

i never missed any of my T exsept this one i dont know why i miss her i hardly talk to her.i think if she asked i would probibly say no.the thought that i care about her,or that she knows this terrifies me to the core.nope would never tell

It's hard to say that you miss them. I think for me it's that I know that someday I won't be seeing her anymore and I know that I will miss her tremendously, but I dont want her to know because I don't want my heart stomped on when I leave. I feel like that will happen.

[rainbow8]

My heart gets stomped in therapy whether I tell my Ts I miss them or not. But it's better to tell, IMO. I'm not sure why but the replies have made sense. It's not that missing a T is good or bad, but the ability to share that with them is what's important, and is therapeutic. I'm not sure why. For me, I want to get close to my Ts, and of course, as you know, that has its advantages and disadvantages. But I am finding a middle ground--starting to, anyway. I think it's been part of the journey to be able to tell a T my honest feelings about them. It's hard to explain; you kind of have to experience it, I think.

[BonnieJean]

I have told my t sometimes when I miss her. I'm learning to identify and accept feelings of longing right now. Once she responded something about 'when we are apart.' That helped me think either we're together or we're apart. And we are a 'we.'

[Perna]

Expressing how we feel to others helps us learn to recognize what we feel and to express it to others so we can better understand what to "do". Feelings are tools to let us know how we are viewing the world, others, and ourselves; they're kind of compasses (or, better yet, when used well, gyroscopes). The more practice we have recognizing and working with them (telling others) the better we get at orienting ourselves and knowing what actions we might want to take.

You said you didn't know why you missed T? Talking to T about missing her might help you better understand what it is about your life or relationship with T that makes you miss her so much. You cannot "do" anything about missing her, miss her less or less often, unless you understand why you miss her and you can only understand why if the two of you discuss the situation; otherwise it just stays in your own head and heart, a closed situation.

I told my T yesterday that I had missed him last week (he went out of town) and that I was happy to be with him today. He didn't seem repulsed or make any moves to get away from me or reinforce his boundaries. He didn't say anything socially required like "I missed you too" (that would seem fake to me) or otherwise act like he was required to do anything but smile and accept what I said.

I find that the more I say to T, the more I get back. I open my heart to him, he opens his to mine. I sometimes feel the need to preface what I say with "this sounds silly to say out loud" or "this sounds weird" or whatever. But the more I don't stop myself from saying what I'm thinking for whatever reason in T, the more I get out of it.

In another thread not long ago, Ygrec said something incredibly wise about fears stopping us from talking in T. We all have fears, for good reasons, that if we say or do or think XYZ, that our T's are going to do all the same hurtful things that others in our lives have done. While we can still honor our experiences underneath our fears, those fears are not needed in T. Those fears are not going to be realized, and we don't need them. It might be scary to ignore the fears and wander into T "unprotected", but the reality is that it's worth it.

IMO.

Anne

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by 3rdTimesTheCharm

I told my T yesterday that I had missed him last week (he went out of town) and that I was happy to be with him today. He didn't seem repulsed or make any moves to get away from me or reinforce his boundaries. He didn't say anything socially required like "I missed you too" (that would seem fake to me) or otherwise act like he was required to do anything but smile and accept what I said.

I find that the more I say to T, the more I get back. I open my heart to him, he opens his to mine. I sometimes feel the need to preface what I say with "this sounds silly to say out loud" or "this sounds weird" or whatever. But the more I don't stop myself from saying what I'm thinking for whatever reason in T, the more I get out of it.

In another thread not long ago, Ygrec said something incredibly wise about fears stopping us from talking in T. We all have fears, for good reasons, that if we say or do or think XYZ, that our T's are going to do all the same hurtful things that others in our lives have done. While we can still honor our experiences underneath our fears, those fears are not needed in T. Those fears are not going to be realized, and we don't need them. It might be scary to ignore the fears and wander into T "unprotected", but the reality is that it's worth it.

IMO.

Anne

It is sooooo worth it. I think it's about honoring one's feelings as well. Why hide how we feel about something? It's our feeling right? It has merit simply because it's there.

We can no more accurately predict the response of others than we can predict the weather. SOmetimes things go horribly wrong, but those times are so far overshadowed by the times that things go right, it's not even a question for me anymore.

Now to share a dream I had about a blind gynecologist with my therapist.....

Originally Posted by 3rdTimesTheCharm

I find that the more I say to T, the more I get back. I open my heart to him, he opens his to mine. I sometimes feel the need to preface what I say with "this sounds silly to say out loud" or "this sounds weird" or whatever. But the more I don't stop myself from saying what I'm thinking for whatever reason in T, the more I get out of it.

This is so it for me, too. The more I share feelings that I think are "embarrassing" (whatever they are), the more I realize that my feelings are OK (whatever they are). I come from a family where my feelings were never validated, so I became ashamed of everything. Now by sharing things that are "embarrassing" with my therpaist and seeing her nonjudgmental response, I'm able to do this more with others in my life. And by "embarrassing," sometimes these are hardly things that are such, they just feel bigger when they're inside of me.

About the missing part, my therapist went on vacation about 6 weeks ago. I missed her a lot. I told her so and I (the child) was hurt when she didn't say "me, too" and I thought that I shouldn't have told her. Then we talked about it and she said that she was away and on vacation having fun and she didn't even miss her mom (she takes care of her). She said it was natural for me to miss her; she's a regular part of my life and a source of support and comfort. She also said that one week when I cancelled our appt she did miss me at that time as it felt odd not seeing me. Of course I'm sure that her missing me were different feelings than I have. I've really found that any feelings that I'm having, particularly those about which I'm uneasy, it's best to share with her--I'm scared before I do, but then it feels good once I have.

[sittingatwatersedge]

hi granite, just thinking of you.. Hope it went well today.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by eastcoaster

This is so it for me, too. The more I share feelings that I think are "embarrassing" (whatever they are), the more I realize that my feelings are OK (whatever they are). I come from a family where my feelings were never validated, so I became ashamed of everything. Now by sharing things that are "embarrassing" with my therpaist and seeing her nonjudgmental response, I'm able to do this more with others in my life. And by "embarrassing," sometimes these are hardly things that are such, they just feel bigger when they're inside of me.

About the missing part, my therapist went on vacation about 6 weeks ago. I missed her a lot. I told her so and I (the child) was hurt when she didn't say "me, too" and I thought that I shouldn't have told her. Then we talked about it and she said that she was away and on vacation having fun and she didn't even miss her mom (she takes care of her). She said it was natural for me to miss her; she's a regular part of my life and a source of support and comfort. She also said that one week when I cancelled our appt she did miss me at that time as it felt odd not seeing me. Of course I'm sure that her missing me were different feelings than I have. I've really found that any feelings that I'm having, particularly those about which I'm uneasy, it's best to share with her--I'm scared before I do, but then it feels good once I have.

For me, a lot of this challenge is about discernment. I have, in the past, been a very closed person, playing everything fairly close to the vest. I was in an occupation that made doing so vital. Now, things are different, and I feel that I can be more open...but it's very important for me to do this with discernment.

So I need to be wise about how much I share, when, and with whom? (Is whom correct here...I never know and it sounds rather forced). I think that when I feel safe saying things like "I missed you," in therapy, it's because I've let a relationship develop and I'm honoring my own comfort level to say this. I went through a few years where I was more of a "blurter" and even in therapy, I think that feelings unfold in their own time, at their own pace, and open as they are ready, something like a flower. When I've rushed things in the past, it's generally backfired as badly as when I've been overly restricted and closed. I find that I still beat myself up about being too closed in therapy, but things have a way of happening when they're ready. And my resistance just re-doubles its efforts when I try to muscle through it! At least that's my sense of things...for now. Just some thoughts.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by mcl6136

So I need to be wise about how much I share, when, and with whom? (Is whom correct here...I never know and it sounds rather forced).

"With whom" is correct. Use "whom" after a preposition or for a direct object. Hence, it is correct to ask, "Who shot whom?" Of course, nobody says that and you would sound pretty dorky saying it.

I often tell T I missed her, even if it was only a week.

After a long absence, T has on one or two occasions replied, "I missed you too." I never doubted her sincerity.

I realise I can never be as important to her as she is to me, but I figure, a good mother has enough love for all her children and every one of them is special. Why shouldn't she miss us all?