[rainbow8]

This may be premature (pun not intended but ) but since my session I feel like something shifted inside of me! I am still skeptical of EMDR but that's what we did so maybe that helped. I wrote the poem about wanting Mommy and I feel relieved, not sad. Maybe sadness will be part of it and it should be, but right now I feel like I understand why I attach to Ts! I think being a preemie and being in the incubator was what started my problems. I feel like the nurses didn't hold me enough. Maybe back then they didn't think it was so important. Maybe my mother couldn't get to the hospital often enough. It seems to fit and I feel better, which seems weird.

I am also separating my T from my mother and I don't think I've done that before. My T told me again that she is my guide and I didn't get upset about it because she said we have a relationship too. I feel like I'm getting the best of both worlds.

I'm waiting to see if this new feeling lasts. I don't trust that it happened just from the EMDR and my poem. I don't trust this feeling good!

I was also a preemie, 3 months early. T and I have also talked how I likely wasn't held enough. Back then they were way too worried about germs, and didn't know the benefit of touch to preemie's. I talk about how I keep chasing that - that longing for infantile reconnection to T as mommy. It's been a long journey, and we're still working on it. I just wanted to let you know, I understand in my own context, that piece of it. (((safe hug)))

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

This may be premature (pun not intended but ) but since my session I feel like something shifted inside of me! I am still skeptical of EMDR but that's what we did so maybe that helped. I wrote the poem about wanting Mommy and I feel relieved, not sad. Maybe sadness will be part of it and it should be, but right now I feel like I understand why I attach to Ts! I think being a preemie and being in the incubator was what started my problems. I feel like the nurses didn't hold me enough. Maybe back then they didn't think it was so important. Maybe my mother couldn't get to the hospital often enough. It seems to fit and I feel better, which seems weird.

I am also separating my T from my mother and I don't think I've done that before. My T told me again that she is my guide and I didn't get upset about it because she said we have a relationship too. I feel like I'm getting the best of both worlds.

I'm waiting to see if this new feeling lasts. I don't trust that it happened just from the EMDR and my poem. I don't trust this feeling good!

congratulations on the hard work and positive breakthrough, thanks for sharing. it seems good to read some positive outcomes from therapy. Im happy for you.

[SoupDragon]

Sounds like you have some new insights that make sense to you and I know that can feel good. But I can also relate to not trusting that the good feelings will last, like just balancing an a pin head feeling a little unstable.

Maybe it just takes time to trust these feelings.

Something that helps me is to remember that feelings always change. I won't feel this bad forever, and I won't feel this good forever.

You CAN trust feeling good, because you feel good! It's how you feel, and it's true, and it's real. If you feel better later, or worse later, it doesn't change how you feel in this moment, and it doesn't make this moment any less real or true.

T and I did something in session that REALLY helped me and made me feel so much better and I was afraid to tell him, because I was afraid if I told him, it would somehow be taken away. But I realized I really wanted him to know, because we worked hard, and it was my success, and his too. So I told him, and the good stayed. The memory that we worked on didn't come back and overwhelm me. It was safe to feel okay.

Enjoy the good feeling, Rainbow. You've earned it

[alwaysrejoice]

congrats, your hard work is paying off.

[Sannah]

Children in the womb know their mothers during the last trimester. They hear her voice and her heartbeat. Studies have been done where infants can identify the smell of their mothers. It is theorized that adopted children go through a mourning which is never really completed because infants can't understand that they have lost something very valuable.

Maybe you mourned the loss of your mother after birth? How long were you separated from her?

Good work Rainbow!! Working on the real issue is going to get you somewhere!

[WePow]

((((( Rainbow)))))

For me, doing EMDR around those root issues does make a H U G E difference!
I have not been the same since doing the EMDR work.

I am so happy for you!!!!

It makes a lot of sense to me that a lack of holding/skin to skin contact as a newborn could have a very powerful impact on a child's development. As stormy said, we all chase as adults what we didn't get as children.

I think my own mother was an excellent mother to myself and my brothers when we were little. (She's actually a great mother and grandmother now, but that's another story). She nursed us during a time when pediatricians were touting the benefits of "scientifically designed" formula. From my own experience nursing my son, the benefits of skin-to-skin contact, multiple times per day, seem very apparent. She is naturally very warm and loving (grade school teacher, of the beloved sort) and I think she was probably close to perfect at meeting our needs when we were young, before school age. She was, and is, an excellent caretaker. I think it was when I began to talk and think for myself and needed more than food and love that her own issues started getting in the way of her mothering.

Anne

[Nelliecat]

Rainbow, that's really great when something clicks and you feel something shift like that. I too was in an incubator and also bottle fed and I believe that's why I value touch in T so much and as you know I've also got maternal feelings for my T. I feel like I can't move anywhere else until I've got this part of me straight in my head and I'm not close yet - I don't think...

Well done you though!!

[rainbow8]

stormy, thank you for your information about preemies and touch. They probably never touched me when I was a preemie in the "dark ages"!!! We go after what we didn't get as babies and children. I certainly go after the skin to skin contact with my T, as evidenced by how good it feels to hold her hand.

amandalouise, thank you! I'm glad that I had something positive to write also.

SD, yeah that's how it feels. I'm taking one day at a time.

tree, thank you. I wish I could always feel this way because it's so GOOD! I AM enjoying it.

alwaysrejoice, thank you.

Sannah, I don't know how long. I think my father said a couple of weeks. Not that long by today's standards, but too long if the nurses didn't pick me up and/or hold me and if my Mom didn't visit often enough or hold me. She did not nurse me;I remember being told that I was given another mother's milk; I assumed via bottle. That seems a little strange.

WePow, maybe we can discuss EMDR in a PM? I don't understand it but I'm in awe of the process!

Anne, thank you. I know my mother said she couldn't nurse me. I nursed my kids and know that in most cases you can. She must not have had milk if they had to get some other mother's milk. There wasn't any La Leche League to help then! I'm glad your Mom nursed you and your brothers. I agree with you about it.

Nellie, yes it makes sense what we missed and what we want. Thank you for sharing.

[velcro003]

rainbow, i too was a preemie...born at 24 weeks! I am 100% convinced the reason that I have a serious fear of hospitals and doctors is due to my birth. I weighed only a 1lb 12oz, and then went down (as babies usually do) a few more ounces.

I also am working towards doing EMDR, and I also am skeptical about it actually helping. My T has also said that it was a huge trauma and definitely impacted my life--also the fact that my parents were so young (18 and 20). I stayed in the hospital for 4 months and I know that for the first two weeks I was unable to be held because of the respirator and other such things poking me, and being attached to wires. Not to mention your skin is super thin, so you are EXTREMELY fragile. My mom has said that once she was able to hold me, it was only in small increments. From the few pictures I have of my birth, I was held, but it wasn't skin to skin contact, and obviously I wasn't breast fed, though I don't think that plays a huge role in your adult life.

I think all of that is fascinating, and a miracle I survived and had no complications otherwise. This was in 1981. BUT I can't really believe that being a preemie shaped my whole life onwards. I have issues, and issues with my mom--but that is more how I was treated growing up, not the fact that I spent the first months of my life in an incubator! But that is my own opinion

Whenever I actually start doing the EMDR, I most certainly will fill you in if it works/helps! I am similar to you in that I didn't suffer any major trauma, so it is hard for me to attribute the way my life is now to the past. I'm working on it though.

[peaches100]

Hi Rainbow,

I'm so glad you are feeling a shift in your viewpoint/emotions! You are understanding why you have those strong desires for maternal nurturing, so it is not such a confusing unsolvable mystery. I know you like to have things figured out, and it sounds like you are beginning to do that now -- "put the puzzle pieces together." Also, it sounds like your thinking that was black and white before (either t needs to be like a mom to me and be everything to me -- or else we don't have any relationship that means anything) has been transforming to a more reasonable view (no, t can't be a mom to me, but we still have a good, authentic, and meaningful relationship. These are good shifts in your thinking!

[peaches100]

PS - I also was a preemie and got pneumonia when i was 6 weeks old and had to be in the hospital in an incubator. I've often wondered if it played a role in interrupting the bonding that should have taken place between me and my mom when i was an infant.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by treehouse

Something that helps me is to remember that feelings always change. I won't feel this bad forever, and I won't feel this good forever.

You CAN trust feeling good, because you feel good! It's how you feel, and it's true, and it's real. If you feel better later, or worse later, it doesn't change how you feel in this moment, and it doesn't make this moment any less real or true.

T and I did something in session that REALLY helped me and made me feel so much better and I was afraid to tell him, because I was afraid if I told him, it would somehow be taken away. But I realized I really wanted him to know, because we worked hard, and it was my success, and his too. So I told him, and the good stayed. The memory that we worked on didn't come back and overwhelm me. It was safe to feel okay.

Enjoy the good feeling, Rainbow. You've earned it

Wow - that was definitely a light bulb moment for me - thanks for this, of course if I feel good now, then I feel good now full stop.

[rainbow8]

velcro, thank you. I remember we've shared that we're both preemies before. But you were REALLY tiny, a miracle baby to weigh under 2 lbs. and survive! I'm sure that being in the hospital for 4 months was traumatic in some ways, but babies are fortunately resilient. I agree with you that being a preemie did not shape your whole life and that the other issues that came later had a bigger effect, even.

I was born at 33 weeks and was almost 4 lbs. so by today's standards, that's big! But when I was born, things were way different. Back in the dark ages!

I can't be sure the effect on me but my gut feeling is that I didn't get the holding and attention that I needed. It may be my imagination but I seem to recall my Mom saying something about being afraid to hold me because I was so small. My grandchildren were all preemies and I held them, but things are different today in the NICU where the nurses care for preemies.

Peaches: I think the separation from your mother at 6 weeks definitely could have prohibited bonding, though the first month is probably more crucial. Were you in an incubator when you were born, too?
Yes, my thinking has shifted since the session. So, whether or not it's TRUE about what happened to me as a preemie, I feel better!! I feel better about my T, too. The strange part is that the session did not seem so remarkable. My T said we needed to work on the EMDR about the incubator next time too and I put the feelings away in her bear's gift box. Maybe that's why I feel good and not sad? The sad feelings are put away? But I'd rather feel good. Even when I wrote the poem I wasn't sad.

SD: I'm glad what tree posted helped you. Maybe I didn't get it before. You mean: I feel good, and that's a fact!! Whatever happens later doesn't take away from my feeling good NOW. So, enjoy! Is that the idea?

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I seem to recall my Mom saying something about being afraid to hold me because I was so small.

Important info!

[rainbow8]

Sannah, maybe but I'm not sure if she really said that. I remember she also said that when she went out with me in the buggy, people asked where was the baby?! Nowadays 3 1/2 lbs. is not so small, but I guess it was then. But if she had any sense of insecurity about me, that does help explain my need to feel safe, and my general feeling of being UN safe.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

You mean: I feel good, and that's a fact!! Whatever happens later doesn't take away from my feeling good NOW. So, enjoy! Is that the idea?

Exactly

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

SD: I'm glad what tree posted helped you. Maybe I didn't get it before. You mean: I feel good, and that's a fact!! Whatever happens later doesn't take away from my feeling good NOW. So, enjoy! Is that the idea?

I think that is it - disappointingly for me in many ways - I keep waiting for the day when all this will be behind me and I will feel great, happy, content forever.

I think I have been deluding myself - maybe it is normal to experience a range of feelings and these current ones may be replaced by other more positive ones - but like all feelings even the good ones come and go.

So if we are feeling good now, then that is how we are feeling now, we shouldn't be afraid of them ending, because in reality they will end, for a while at least, then return again - that is what it is to be "normal" - so we should just be interested in them and enjoy them - well at least that is my interpretation - I shall ask my T about it tomorrow - "hey T am I paying you all this money to just carry on feeling the same - when I want to feel different permanently"

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

So if we are feeling good now, then that is how we are feeling now, we shouldn't be afraid of them ending, because in reality they will end, for a while at least, then return again - that is what it is to be "normal" - so we should just be interested in them and enjoy them

THIS has been huge in moving forward for me. Just learning that I'm not going to feel great and happy all the time. For me, accepting how I feel in each moment leads to a kind of peace. Sometimes I feel happy, sometimes I feel sad, sometimes I feel anxious, sometimes I feel calm, sometimes I feel sleepy...and no matter how I feel, I'll have a different feeling later. Accepting the ebb and flow of emotions and feelings...instead of being afraid of them changing, or wishing for something different, or judging myself for how I feel...has calmed things down inside for me so much.

And, Rainbow, to bring this back to your original post...I was just wanting to say (not very clearly! lol) that you DO feel good and you CAN feel good and it will go away and it will come back again. So, relax into the happiness you feel right now.

I'm glad you're figuring all these things out, rainbow, I can see how important it is for you to be 'fitting the puzzle pieces together'

If it helps at all, I was carried to term, and I still didn't really bond with my mother, I think. Sometimes what will be will be, I guess.

Good luck in continuing to progress on your therapy journey

[peaches100]

Rainbow,

In answer to your question, I'm not sure if i was in an incubator after i was born. I was 5 lbs. and 1 month early. But i know i was 6 weeks old when i got pneumonia and then i was in an incubator.

[granite1]

rain it is nice to see that you were able to spend some time dealing with you in T and not with you and T.i hope this good feelings have lasted for a bit

FYI i was a preemie.i think i was in an incubator for 1 week i was about 3 lbs.my gram pa said i looked like a red spider monkey. the mother said i was ugly as sin.

Interesting thread. I think being a preemie also contributed to a lot of my problems. I was born 5.5 weeks early and weighed only 5 pounds. (This was in the late 1950's) Mom went home and I stayed in an incubator for about a week, maybe more. Complicating things, there was a lot of bleeding at my birth and both mom and I were given last rites. Surprisingly, we both survived. But, mom never bonded with me after that. Some of it was her strong desire to have her kids take care of her - starting as soon as possible. And, she believed that the cost of having children denied her of the things she really wanted in life, so she was unhappy all the time.

Rainbow 8 - I hope your breakthrough is long-lasting and that you are (and will) continue feeling good!