T Today.....

Horrible.........

Did my usual stupid silence and couldn't articulate anything. Feel completely useless. Am never going to get anywhere with this.

never say never.

And never, never, never give up. Winston churchill, you know.

You showed up, didn't you? You couldda cancelled or blown off half the appointment, or threatened to quit..some of my favs. But you went and I think you are probably getting somewhere.....aren't you? Ugh...I hate appointments like that. I have one scheduled in about seven hours...sheesh! This cycle keeps repeating itself doesn't it?

Never give up!

Nelliecat, I'm sorry you couldn't talk in your session today. Does your T have paper and markers around? Do you think you could write or color if talking is too hard? Has she ever tried any other methods with you other than talking?

I do this too, and I hate it too. I see my T once a week, so I have lots of time to think about what I want (or need) to say. In the past it wasn't unusual for me to take weeks - or months - to get something out. But I so hate that feeling of wasting a valuable session that I learned a way around it. I don't journal, but I have a little notepad and I jot down things I want to bring up. For the really difficult ones, I write out what I want to say, on a separate sheet of paper. Then ... if I can't just talk about it, I read what I've written out, or if I can't even read it, I just hand it to him and let him read it. One way or the other, I AM going to get this stuff out there for discussion!!!!!

Thanks mcl. I very nearly walked out - done that before but I didn't. I did stick it out. T told me she thought I did really well today. I had stuff I wanted to say and the more the time and silence went on the harder and more claustrophobic it got. Anyway, back to it on Thursday at my second weekly appointment. Hope your appointment went better than mine!

Thanks Rainbow. She does have paper and pens but I wasn't up to asking for much today other than to ask to sit on the floor next to her and have a hug at the end, both of which she was happy to let me have. So I suppose it's good that I could manage to get that out. After that email I sent her last week about checking out she's still there by driving by her house, I was so worried but she was absolutely fine. As if it's the most normal thing in the world. Maybe it'll be better on thurs at my second weekly appointment.

Thanks bunnywithin,

I think there is so, so much waiting to come out I just don't know where to start and sometimes I think it's better left and I don't want to know what's in there. I'm getting scared I think. I did write some stuff that I showed her today and I paint sometimes. Still felt I'd wasted that expensive 50 minutes though. Try, try and try again!

hi nelliecat i dont know if you read a lot of my post but i have an unbelievably hard time using words in T and life.in fact my T has all these roules about me and writing and stuff so i dont resort to using that instead of words because if i write to her i still wont talk at all to her about it.for a while it was a huge problem.i also sit on the floor most sessions these days.i feel a lot safer.for a long time my T wouldnt offer any other alternitive like art or anything she would do a project with me and then not bring it up but would wate untill i would ask or use my words.i wouldn't it sucks because i go without so much because i wont open my mouth and ask at all.i mean not even for the simplest thing.these days i am trying very hard to say hi to her and see ya at the end of session.and sometimes i can even talk some.at times i am completely paralized and she will help me get up and move around by doing other stuff like art exersizing.sometimes it takes a lot of coaching from her but eventually i am able to move and relax.

anyway enough about me.i am telling you this to let you know i truely know how hard it is to use words and that there are other things you can do to help.believe me i know how hard asking T to do this stuff is also.first you have to figure out how to ask.that uses words.i ended up writing her a letter talking about my fears etc..how i get paralized.(Not that she didnt already know this)as horrible as it was with all the roules she has about my letters it did help.she now helps me a lot in other ways other than talking.i think she knows my silence in some ways is a way to controle my inviornment and doesnt really get into that battle with me anymore and has kind of accepted it for what it is .but she does still point out when i am not using words and askes me if this is a choice i want to be making . i say work with your T around this .i think sitting on the floor is great it helps you feel safe i hope.and work from that.if it is hard to ask T for paper maybe create a T bag like i did adding pencils paper stuffy or whatever helps you feel safe.then you dont need to ask.it took me about 3 months to get up the guts to bring my bag in but i did and my T loves it.
feel free to pm me if you want to talk some ok.i really do understand.
sorry such a long post

I'm silent a lot. Words are very difficult for me most of the time. My T let's me write, but I hate admitting that I need to, it feels like a defeat. Thing is, at least with the clip board and pen the thoughts DO get out.

The fact your still going to your appointments speak volumes ..
Keep it up! eventually everything gets easier the longer you keep at it .
Even very small steps eventually begin looking like huge steps over time

Good Luck !

Sorry to hear that Nelliecat. Must feel awful not to be able to open up, especially, as you say, there is so much to come out. Have you always had this problem in therapy? Or with this therapist? Does your T have some kind of rule about making you begin, or something? Doesn't she ask you any questions to get you started? I'd like to understand how/why this issue arises... A lot of people would regard me as 'shy' or 'quiet', but I find it surprisingly easy to talk to T -- just as well for me, because I don't think I could tolerate just sitting there in silence!

It's good that you showed her some stuff that you wrote. I'm not sure what issues you're working on but maybe it would be good to journal things that occur to you during the week, let her read through what you've wrote, then maybe you could have conversations based around it?

I hope you figure it out, and good luck for Thursday. Well done for sticking with it, you'll get there eventually I'm sure

The first task in therapy is to accept that you are safe with T. For some people, that is very difficult, perhaps the most difficult task of all.

Every minute you stay there is a triumph. And when you are ready, you will be able to speak.

Thanks granite, I do read your posts and they do help me. I think I'm most frightened of something coming out that I don't want to know. Current feelings and things I am sensing in me lean towards something I'm really scared of. It's completely stuffing me up.

Thanks Elli-beth

Yes, I feel like I've failed if I can't do it 'properly'. If I wasn't so attached to T I'd have stopped going by now so I suppose at least I do keep plodding on.

Thanks morethingswrong

Yes, I definately do keep going at least! Only walked out once, but that felt really good!!

Thanks for the good luck.

I have a really strong habit of walking in, sitting down, and becoming incapable of saying anything. I like to work up to near-panic and wait for T to step in and help me. I'm going to try to break that habit today. It's so damn hard. Ugh.

Thanks Some girl

It's not always like this but more often recently. Funnily enough, although I am shy I'm usually very chatty IRL and will happily talk to anyone but find it much harder in T. I think that a lot of the time in T I feel like a small child or teenager and during those times in my life I was painfully shy and unsure of myself and also enduring some pretty painful stuff.

Thank you can't explain

Maybe I don't feel safe yet. Maybe I'm not ready yet.

Thanks pbutton, I'm sorry you have a hard time to. The trouble is with me the longer I sit in silence the more uncomfortable and panicky I become. Hope you broke that habit today but if you didn't, don't beat yourself up about it. It's hard enough just being there sometimes without giving yourself a hard time afterwards. See, I know, I just can't apply this to myself!

Just have faith and be patient, it will come when it is ready to.

We use fantasy alot - it feels pretty weird at times and I sometimers tell T how ridiculous it feels, but he makes me stay with it. But mostly I sit there squirming.

Thank you Soup

Mine tries that but it's too uncomfortable for me, I too feel so ridiculous.

Nellie

I think it took me a long time to try it - mostly I just get embarrassed - T will also look all serious and try and get me to do role play - I tell T I hate doing role play, I just end up giggling nervously and feeling so stupid. But maybe that is part of the process as well, so that when we start to feel more comfortable, it feels slightly less ridiculous....maybe?

Hope you are doing OK Nelliecat - Soup

Have you tried group therapy? It's not so formal, the spotlight isn't always on you, and you speak when you feel like it.