[zooropa]

wow, today was tough. It's been a month of constant rupture/conflict with dbtT and it doesn't look like things can be resolved this time. The toll this is taking on me is enormous, and I'm trying really hard tonight to focus on ways I can take care of myself so I don't just get run into the ground with the overwrought emotions of all this.

So...eating is a big one. I don't get hungry, forget to eat, and basically have really poor nutrition. I'm going to make an effort to eat a healthy variety of foods in order to give my body healthy fuel to burn. Also, drinking lots of water, and drinking lots less alcohol. In fact, after spending most of today crying and sobbing, I decided I need to get back on the wagon again, so I went and dumped out all the alcohol I had in the house.

Sleep has actually been going ok for me, and I'm just going to continue doing what I've been doing.

Along with avoiding alcohol and other mood-altering drugs, I'm going to cut back on the vistiril I've been taking at bedtime, because it makes me feel really foggy in the morning and may be contributing to my depression. Of course, that may disrupt my sleep, but we'll see.

Other things I'm doing or will start doing: mindfulness meditation, which I do anyway, but today I set up a new area specifically for meditating. Reaching out when I feel like closing up. Reading my affirmations, out loud, to myself, over and over. I also put them on my phone so I can read them (silently!) whether I'm on the bus or in math class or whatever.

And, a biggie: I have to get caught back up on school. I don't think it's too late save my grades this quarter, and the sense of mastery I will feel if I do manage to get caught up will be great. Also if I don't pass this quarter I won't get my scholarship in January and that would be catastrophic.

I thought it might help for me to type this all out and post it, maybe it'll help this stuff stay fresh in my mind. Thanks for reading.

(((((((zoo)))))))

Look at what you wrote...it's such a testament to how hard you've worked and how far you've come.

Sometimes the gift in the hardest times, like what you're going through right now, is having the opportunity to discover how we can be strong and courageous and gentle....when before, we might have been shut off or numb or destructive.

To be able to accept that this is hard and then to allow yourself to take care of yourself is just so huge. I am so proud of you

[zooropa]

((((tree))) thank you so much.

Your words echo almost eerily a conversation I had with a friend this afternoon. I was crying and telling her I can't do this, it's too hard (which is something I am trying really hard not to tell myself, but I have my moments...) and she reminded me that losing my kids was so much harder than this (it really really really was) and I survived that, so I can survive this.
And I said, yeah, but I was almost completely emotionally numb back then. I never even cried over losing my kids. Not that I didn't care, because I did, but I just didn't let myself feel it that much. I got through that by taking a lot of prescription anxiety meds, by numbing out, and by self harming.

So, in some ways, this IS harder, because I'm really really feeling it. And then I think of Anne Lamott and how she says to embrace pain, to not shy away from it, to remember that pain is part of life and ask yourself "how alive do I want to be?"

And yet... as much as I believe everything I've written here, there is a large part of me that doesn't care about any of that. That's the part of me that called dbtT this afternoon and left a message, sobbing and begging her to please, please, please not give up on me. Please.

[roads]

What I can see in your progress now is that you have the ability to distinguish the positive from the negative--steps forward from steps back. That's huge.

I know you're struggling, and it's hard. But it's wonderful to see you making your way ahead.

[ECHOES]

zoo, you are amazing!

In the midst of a huge meltdown one time, I was driving down the road after running an errand, and I was sobbing and saying "I can't DO this! I can't take care of myself!" over and over and then it dawned on me: That is just what I was doing. I WAS taking care of myself. I WAS 'doing this'.
I was taking care and doing in the ways available to me at that time, which included some times of collapsing in grief and letting that happen.

You are getting through this very very hard and painful time one bit at a time.
That you can articulate what is happening so clearly shows a deep understanding of yourself. And I hear the gentleness and the compassion you have for yourself. It is very beautiful, zoo.

[WePow]

((((((((((((((((((Zoo)))))))))))))))))))
As my T likes to say, "You ARE doing it!"

Congratulations Zoo... Continue to fight the fight, sounds like the plan has been made! Wishing you well!

[googley]

(((((((((((((((((((Zoo))))))))))))))))))

I think your plan for self care is great. You are getting so much better at this. That is a testimony to all the work and effort you have put into healing.

[zooropa]

(((((everyone)))))

I feel really bad about having left that message for dbtT yesterday. I regretted it as soon as I hung up, before that actually. It was a short message and I was just sobbing and begging her to please, please not give up on me. Then I took a breath and realized it was a mistake. I told her I know this isn't going to help, I'm sorry and then I said goodbye and hung up.

I have a lot of feelings about it. I truly don't expect her to call me back, except one tiny bit of my brain is waiting for her call. So there's that, but that's small. The big thing is that, if I was going to beg for one more chance, I think it could and would have been more effective to wait until I see her, and to ask her in person, using DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills. I'm afraid by calling I have ruined any chance there may have been at negotiating with her.

to be clear, what I want to negotiate is some time to taper off. I have 3 sessions left, which isn't much, but even if she isn't willing to give me a few more sessions, I at least feel like I need to space them out so it's more of a gradual ending.

[zooropa]

wow, this whole self care thing is not coming easily today. I feel like I am immersed in emotion mind and can't access any wisdom or insight I have ever had in the past. I can barely think. I just keep trying to accept the pain, because avoiding it isn't working. Accepting the pain, and sometimes it works but sometimes it doesn't and when it does the feeling goes away and I'm back in pain.

I need this pain to end. It has to.

[googley]

Zoo:
Go back to the top of this thread and look at the list you posted. If one of those doesn't work there is a huge list at the top of the SI forum of things to do. See if any of those works. Just keep trying them until you find one that works. I know it is easier said than done. But you are important. Be gentle with yourself. That you can see what is going on in yourself is a major achievement.

[eskielover]

Learning how to implement our DBT skills takes time & there isn't a DBT T in the world that doesn't know that. As a matter of fact, our DBT is set up to go through each of the sections 2 times & then go on to the next level group while continually working with in private with our own personal T.

Remember, DBT is all about not making the situation worse, but handling what is going on as best as we can while we work on our wise mind thinking on how to solve the problem in the best possible way. Not self-harming & not drinking are biggies, sleeping & eating well are also real biggies (not eating is my problem also....so I can totally relate to your problem with that). Using your ability to observe yourself & understand that you need time to taper off with your T is another real huge insight into what the problem really is for you & thinking how you need to resolve it through possible negotiation. Being aware of what it is that's causing your emotion is a major breakthrough & understanding that your emotion is ok to feel the way you are feeling at this point of being at the end of your therapy. Know your T is observing how you are reacting to this & knows just how much of your DBT you are putting into action. You might not be communicating all this to your T, but make sure that you do because there is no way that a DBT T is going to give up on someone who is able to put so many of the skills into practice.

Our group leader is cute....there are times in our group when we are talking about our week & she says how about the times when she forgets to put her skills into practice also.....she's been working on DBT & presenting the DBT group for years......so not even those who know it thoroughly are able to put the skills into practice when they need them at times......the thing is knowing them & realizing that shows how much you also have learned.

You will get through this & there are some things we radically have to accept like the fact that your therapy is coming to an end, but trying to negotiate the ending of it so you can taper it off more slowly is very wise thinking......but if it's not possible (for what ever reason your T might have), you have the skills to get through that difficult time. Know it's harder to depend on self to point it all out than being able to talk it through with your T, but just always keep your DBT notes with you & keep them open so you can go immediately to them when you need your coaching.

Transition time is very difficult & your T knows that & know they won't give up on you as you have come a very long way & have proved you are able to put your skills into practice....keep up the good work & validate the fact that you are capable & know the skills you have been working on & that it does take time & NO ONE is ever perfect at implementing them 100% all the time. If you can remember enough skills to be able to keep a situation from getting bad even if you can't SOLVE the problem....you are IMPLEMENTING YOUR DBT SKILLS.

Remember, each time we go through a difficult situation, it's a learning opportunity to grow stronger & wiser & see how much we have really learned from our DBT.....you are doing well....keep up the good work as you continue your path through your life.

[zooropa]

eskie, thank you so much for pointing out to me all the skills I've been using. I don't think dbtT has any idea of that, but I will try to write it out and tell her if I go see her again. Just reading your post helped me a lot.

I don't think she is going to be willing to end this in a way that's easier for me, but I guess I have earned the right to have some say in how my treatment ends, and I definitely have the right to ask.

Just going back to self care, because I am so on the edge right now, I need to stabilize myself. Going to maybe increase my antidepressants, and continue avoiding alcohol.

Tomorrow my plan is to schedule a time to cry about this and then when that time's up I will be done crying for the day. I don't know if this will work, but I'm going to try, because I have GOT to find some way to continue to function before my whole world falls apart.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by zooropa

eskie, thank you so much for pointing out to me all the skills I've been using. I don't think dbtT has any idea of that, but I will try to write it out and tell her if I go see her again. Just reading your post helped me a lot.

I don't think she is going to be willing to end this in a way that's easier for me, but I guess I have earned the right to have some say in how my treatment ends, and I definitely have the right to ask.

Just going back to self care, because I am so on the edge right now, I need to stabilize myself. Going to maybe increase my antidepressants, and continue avoiding alcohol.

Tomorrow my plan is to schedule a time to cry about this and then when that time's up I will be done crying for the day. I don't know if this will work, but I'm going to try, because I have GOT to find some way to continue to function before my whole world falls apart.

You have a good plan and the courage to carry it out. You're going to be OK.