[sunrise]

T gave me a free 90 minute session. Whoo hoo! My bank account and I really appreciate that.

T screwed up on the time for our session last week and was going to arrive 45 minutes late for the session and it would be shortened, so I decided I didn't want to wait for him and left. I had a thread about this earlier: http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=207155

At our rescheduled session yesterday, the first thing T does is apologize and as I'm reaching for my checkbook (I always pay for the session at the beginning), he says he doesn't want me to pay this week. He said he charges clients for a session if they don't show up and so if he doesn't show up when he's supposed to he should be charged too. That meant I would get a free session. He was very serious about this way to make amends and I accepted it readily as a way to help make things right between us and acknowledge how much he values the relationship (and to save myself some $$ too!).

We talked about the missed appointment and then moved on to other topics. He asked what I was needing from him and I told him I didn't feel needy that day, I actually felt great. So we had a great left-brained talk on some interesting issues. Then we circled back and talked more about the missed appointment. At times like this, I really value having the longer appointments so we can hit on a topic and then return to it for more exploration and processing.

Sittingatwatersedge, if you are reading this, I brought up with T something that you touched on in my previous thread. I told him that last week on the phone, while informing me how late he would be and that he couldn't extend my shortened session because he had another client coming, that it made me feel like the low client on the totem pole. The off-site client before me got an extra 30 minutes and no way would he shorten the appointment of the client after me. But I get my appointment time cut in half. He told me that as soon as he said that about the client after me on the phone, he realized it was an awful thing to say. And he apologized for that. He really understood and didn't try to defend any of his behavior. He thought it was all crappy. He told me a new plan he has instituted to try to make sure this problem doesn't happen again.

I told T that I felt I might have had some transference going on with how my XH used to treat me and how I felt treated by T when he was so late and offered me that scrap of a late, shortened session. I asked T if that were transference. At first T said well no, it's not transference to be pissed off and leave because someone you depend on keeps you waiting for so long. Later, I told him I felt this same awful feeling arise in this situation that I used to feel with my XH, and then he said well that is transference. I told him I felt compelled to leave the scene and not wait for him to avoid that scraps dynamic from becoming part of our relationship. (Also I was super busy and had a ton of stuff to do.) He thanked me for protecting our relationship like that and said he doesn't want that dynamic to be part of it either. He said I had set a boundary with him and held firm to it and he was glad. It was a good thing to set boundaries. He then asked me if I felt, if I were back in my marriage, if I would now be able to set similar boundaries with my husband. Unfortunately, I had to answer no. That relationship is too old and engrained. But I did think I could avoid a similar sort of new relationship from ever progressing that far. I now felt better able to be a more equal partner in a new relationship and set boundaries and trust my own feelings of "this is not right" if someone kept crossing the line and mistreating me. (With my H, I got to feeling this was normal, like I was brain-washed or something.)

Anyway, it was a good session. We even have an agenda for next time, which is very unusual. W plan to do some very forward-oriented work. T seemed excited about this, as he would like to help me make my life be great and what I want rather than just help me make my life not be awful. For a while now, the absence of awfulness in my life has been really satisfactory and felt wonderful. But I feel ready to move on to true positivity rather than just be content with a lack of negativity.

[pbutton]

That all sounds fantastic. I'm very happy for you

I often think that a person's true character really emerges in times when they are confronted with their own negative behavior. Your own behavior is the hardest thing in the world to not be defensive about, and to take full responsibility for-- it's so tempting to make excuses, minimize, blame circumstances outside your control, etc.

So you know what this says about who your T is. Pretty cool
Anne

[sittingatwatersedge]

((( dear Sunny ))) thanks for your comment. I applauded your tracing your feelings back to the past and all, but since I was the only one who made the comment I did, I admit I have been wondering whether I am too focused on inappropriate scorekeeping. I hope I didn't squelch your happiness at being able to identify the source of your feelings. That was never my intention.

at any rate, you did so well with your working-through, and also I think your T is a peach for making up yr missed time. This was the right thing to do.

I love this story, Sunny My T is really good at admitting his mistakes and making amends, and it's one of the things I really really appreciate about him.

And I don't know if I said this before, but I think it was AWESOME that you made a decision that you deserved better than waiting around and having a short appointment, and left. SO awesome. It shows how much you've grown, and how much you're learning to value yourself, and I admire that so so much.

[sunrise]

This probably sounds a little strange, but I wonder if my T has just been waiting for me to set a boundary? Maybe even pushing my limits to see if I would do it. I am super accommodating in all my relationships (which some take as an invitation to walk all over me) and this extends to T too. Double bookings, lateness, not returning phone calls, looking at his computer in session, etc. I know some of you here have not been as accommodating as I for similar behaviors from your T. I don't really think T would deliberately do this because he's so transparent, but I did just think of that now. Kind of a weird thought. We did discuss in our session the difference between being flexible and accommodating.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

I hope I didn't squelch your happiness at being able to identify the source of your feelings.

No, not at all. I think my T had a good point though, that it isn't all about the past and how my XH treated me, but it was also about a person in present time being absurdly late and the person waiting for him getting fed up and leaving. I think your point was along similar lines, or at least I took it to be!

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

I think your T is a peach for making up yr missed time. This was the right thing to do.

I think my T is a peach too. When he offered me the free session I didn't say anything remotely like, "oh, you don't have to do that." I just said "OK."

[WePow]

YIPPIE!!! You did it!!!! WOW! This is so awesome to read how your T did right by you! I am so happy that you were able to stick to your guns in a healthy way and that T did right by you.

[granite1]

sunny thanks for letting us know how this all worked out .i think it is so great you were able to set this boundry and your T was able to point it out and respect that you were able to do it your amazing

[Perna]

New term I learned here today; "gaslighting" http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...ing-gaslighted

Your husband gaslighted you, sunrise. I'm glad you have learned how to recognize and keep that from happening in your new relationships (but I think you probably could be strong enough with your ex-husband since you were with your T? He's not a new relationship and equally as important/difficult as your husband to assert yourself yet you recognized the similarity of the old and this late-session situations!).

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Perna

New term I learned here today; "gaslighting" http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...ing-gaslighted

Your husband gaslighted you, sunrise. I'm glad you have learned how to recognize and keep that from happening in your new relationships (but I think you probably could be strong enough with your ex-husband since you were with your T? He's not a new relationship and equally as important/difficult as your husband to assert yourself yet you recognized the similarity of the old and this late-session situations!).

Good link, but what does it have to do with gas? Or light?

[unaluna]

Re previous husband: You would be surprised what you can do! I spoke with mine on the phone once like ten years later, to share some good news I had, and he started yakking on and on, and I thought to myself, "omg, I used to listen to this? Really? what was I thinking?! so glad I don't have to do this anymore!" And I interrupted him and terminated the conversation. But I still have nightmares that he (or the other mr hankster, or ms hankster) have come back into my life somehow, and I realize again it's a mistake, and I have to break up with them all over again. I'm just glad there aren't more of them lurking in the shadows!

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by 3rdTimesTheCharm

I often think that a person's true character really emerges in times when they are confronted with their own negative behavior. Your own behavior is the hardest thing in the world to not be defensive about, and to take full responsibility for-- it's so tempting to make excuses, minimize, blame circumstances outside your control, etc.

So you know what this says about who your T is. Pretty cool
Anne

Thank you, Anne. I think he's a pretty great guy myself. A good role model for me in that regard. Sometimes when I have a challenging situation coming up and I know I might get defensive and I want to remain receptive and open, I think to myself "how would T handle this?" It has really helped sometimes. Even once in therapy I was dreading bringing up a certain topic because it seemed conflictual to me and I thought I would probably botch this interaction with T. So I tried to be T as I broached the topic to T. It was kind of surreal to be T with T, LOL.

[karebear1]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Good link, but what does it have to do with gas? Or light?

I actually read about this term a few weeks ago. I don't think it really has anything to do with gas or light- it derives from a movie called Gaslight from the 1940's. That's what I read anyway.

Is this the same gaslighting you're talking about Perna?

That is fab, sunrise I'm glad your T is treating you well, and that you were able to accept his offer graciously. I also want to send a belated cheer for the way that you were able to step away from the 'scraps' dynamic that day So glad that T is reinforcing that so well.