[MASIMO]

Its very unusual for my T and I to not email or speak to each other for a whole week between sessions. There is usually some contact, even when he is away. This past week, I have been sick and so wrapped up in my body, doctors, trying to get well physically I have let my emotional issues rest. I emailed him last night, seeing him today. I simply said, "Silence between us"
Here is his response. I cant help but read more into this
"gap" he refers to and I'm trying to figure out how to define his comments through his eyes and mine. I think this gap is not simply lack of contact between sessions. I think our relationship falls into a gap in other ways.

Therapist:
"It is quiet. That is true...but, I still sense that even though there's no word, either written or spoken, that what is in the gap that we hold as our relationship is active....

I still feel an emotional humming....I'm still here as I feel you are...the "silence" still has depth and a presence don't you think...?....

[doogie]

To me it says "I haven't forgotten you and I still care." or that just because you haven't touched base doesn't mean he has forgotten about you.

[skysblue]

What an awesome response. Man, you are so lucky to have such an attuned and sensitive T. "an emotional humming", the silence that "still has depth and presence", "our relationship is active". Wow!!

[kasva]

that really is an awesome reply......

[sunrise]

I think it's a totally awesome reply. All of us are using the word "awesome" LOL. Because it is! I think it says he is not bothered by silence and even treasures it. He still feels you there even though there have been no words. Wow, he's a keeper.

[mcl6136]

I hope you are having a better time and feeling healthier...that is paramount here! The week sounds so difficult!

I think what YOU think is vital here.

Clearly, lots of people on this forum think your Ts response is awesome. So I would like to offer another, perhaps minority opinion.

I don't think your therapist's response is all that marvelous, to be honest. And I think this kind of communcation between therapist and "client," or "patient", fosters an extreme kind of dependency. And I think the tone of the message is really kind of cloying. I think if a therapist sent it to me, I would conclude....gee, this is what I get for not being in steady touch via email? And I would be that much more dependent next time around. I would think: I can "test" to see if the relationship is intact, rather than develop this trust..and know.

Gosh. Maybe I'm having a bad day or being punished by my superego, but on the other hand, perhaps I belong in the "arms" of a cold, distant therapist after all. I'm not usually this cranky on PC, and if I'm off base, please forgive. As I said, I'm outnumbered here, and perhaps for great good reason. It happens to us all!

But...getting back to YOU...what do you think? What feelings did this evoke in you...perhaps it will take some time to know! I hope you give yourself the space, time and respect...that knowing will come!
Blessings,
MCL

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by mcl6136

But...getting back to YOU...what do you think? What feelings did this evoke in you...perhaps it will take some time to know! I hope you give yourself the space, time and respect...that knowing will come!
Blessings,
MCL

Mcl - you have a good point here. All of us, I'm sure, were imagining OUR T's responding this way and how it would make us feel. The dynamics between client and T is so personal. If the message from T just doesn't feel right to you, then it's definitely an area worth exploring in session.

[MASIMO]

Originally Posted by mcl6136

I hope you are having a better time and feeling healthier...that is paramount here! The week sounds so difficult!

I think what YOU think is vital here.

Clearly, lots of people on this forum think your Ts response is awesome. So I would like to offer another, perhaps minority opinion.

I don't think your therapist's response is all that marvelous, to be honest. And I think this kind of communcation between therapist and "client," or "patient", fosters an extreme kind of dependency. And I think the tone of the message is really kind of cloying. I think if a therapist sent it to me, I would conclude....gee, this is what I get for not being in steady touch via email? And I would be that much more dependent next time around. I would think: I can "test" to see if the relationship is intact, rather than develop this trust..and know.

Gosh. Maybe I'm having a bad day or being punished by my superego, but on the other hand, perhaps I belong in the "arms" of a cold, distant therapist after all. I'm not usually this cranky on PC, and if I'm off base, please forgive. As I said, I'm outnumbered here, and perhaps for great good reason. It happens to us all!

But...getting back to YOU...what do you think? What feelings did this evoke in you...perhaps it will take some time to know! I hope you give yourself the space, time and respect...that knowing will come!
Blessings,
MCL

I'm interested in why you would feel more dependent...next time around?
Are you saying he is rewarding me for not being in touch?

[roads]

Your T certainly has a love affair with language! Does he always talk this way?

I'm not sure that what he's said is so awesome, but he certainly has an awesome way of talking. Or maybe convoluted? I think all he's really saying is that:
1. There's always a gap between you (after all, you are two separate people).
2. Your relationship in the past spanned that gap by talking.
3. Your relationship proved strong enough to retain all its character even in silence.

I don't think he's rewarding you, just making an observation. He seemed pleased. But as mcl pointed out & skysblue concurred, it's what you think that counts.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by MASIMO

I still feel an emotional humming....I'm still here as I feel you are...the "silence" still has depth and a presence don't you think...?....

Sometimes my T and I just sit in silence, looking at each other. The room is full of love and there just isn't anything that needs to be said.

Originally Posted by MASIMO

Its very unusual for my T and I to not email or speak to each other for a whole week between sessions. There is usually some contact, even when he is away. This past week, I have been sick and so wrapped up in my body, doctors, trying to get well physically I have let my emotional issues rest. I emailed him last night, seeing him today. I simply said, "Silence between us"
Here is his response. I cant help but read more into this
"gap" he refers to and I'm trying to figure out how to define his comments through his eyes and mine. I think this gap is not simply lack of contact between sessions. I think our relationship falls into a gap in other ways.

Therapist:
"It is quiet. That is true...but, I still sense that even though there's no word, either written or spoken, that what is in the gap that we hold as our relationship is active....

I still feel an emotional humming....I'm still here as I feel you are...the "silence" still has depth and a presence don't you think...?....

I wish my Relationship with my T could be like that. He makes me feel like a fool.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by RiverJ

I wish my Relationship with my T could be like that. He makes me feel like a fool.

[MASIMO]

I had my session with T last night. I was so exhausted from life, illness, meds. He is concerned about me. I could barely talk from the asthma.
I closed my eyes and asked him to take me away somewhere far away.
We did a visualization of the Bavarian mountains. His voice soothed me so. It was nice to have this down time versus diving into the drama of my life.

I emailed him later that maybe the silence of the past week is really me fading away, that all I need is him right now, and to please stay close to me. He replied, "I'm here" Does anyone pick up on that he gave me what I wanted. Not the clinical response of too much dependency on him.
Is he helping me or hurting me. Usually he would say to reach out to him but also to family and friends.

Originally Posted by MASIMO

I had my session with T last night. I was so exhausted from life, illness, meds. He is concerned about me. I could barely talk from the asthma.
I closed my eyes and asked him to take me away somewhere far away.
We did a visualization of the Bavarian mountains. His voice soothed me so. It was nice to have this down time versus diving into the drama of my life.

I emailed him later that maybe the silence of the past week is really me fading away, that all I need is him right now, and to please stay close to me. He replied, "I'm here" Does anyone pick up on that he gave me what I wanted. Not the clinical response of too much dependency on him.
Is he helping me or hurting me. Usually he would say to reach out to him but also to family and friends.

Sounds like you're having a rough time right now, and he is there for you. I wouldn't worry about the dependency thing. Sometimes we need crutches to get around because we're not able to walk by ourselves. Are we dependent on the crutches? Of course! But we only use the crutches until we're able to get around without them. The dependency problem comes when we are perfectly able to get around, but refuse to give up the crutches because we still believe we need them.

In the past, I've done the emotional equivalent of crawling around on my hands and knees because I refused to use crutches. Didn't want to depend on them, so couldn't walk at all. That's just plain stupid.

[roads]

It sounds to me as if you had a good session. He could give you what you wanted because what you wanted is what you need. I'd say he's helping you help yourself.

He may not think he needs to always caution you to reach out to others as well as to him. Maybe he sees you moving in the right direction. Too much reminding denotes a lack of confidence, to me anyway.

[sunrise]

I thought your T's responses sounded very helpful to you, not harmful. I'm sorry things are so hard for you now.

[MASIMO]

I'm not going to beat around the bush. In all my attempts to interpret what he says to me, I am looking for some outside validation that he
is in love with me. I believe he is, I can sense it, feel it. And even though we both know we cant be together, we have become confortable in our relationship. Him more than me. I dont think he has had a relationship quite like ours. I do think that if he we met under different circumstances, we might be attracted to each other. I know I shouldn't wish this to be so, but loving him is as comforting as it is painful and I wouldn't give it up for the world. I guess I am just looking for someone to say....he loves you....preferably for him to say the words I want to hear.

Originally Posted by MASIMO

I'm not going to beat around the bush. In all my attempts to interpret what he says to me, I am looking for some outside validation that he
is in love with me. I believe he is, I can sense it, feel it. And even though we both know we cant be together, we have become confortable in our relationship. Him more than me. I dont think he has had a relationship quite like ours. I do think that if he we met under different circumstances, we might be attracted to each other. I know I shouldn't wish this to be so, but loving him is as comforting as it is painful and I wouldn't give it up for the world. I guess I am just looking for someone to say....he loves you....preferably for him to say the words I want to hear.

I suspected that is what you were after. He sounds like a kind, compassionate therapist, but he also sounds like he is a professional. I doubt you will get him to say he is in love with you. Perhaps try to focus more on yourself and less on being in love with him. I know that is a tall order, but I think it is a dream that will never become a reality (and shouldn't by the way).

[MASIMO]

OK, so I can never expect him to say he loves me. He has said he cares for me.
But not necessarily the same, but it could be. I guess I dont need him to say it in words. Should I trust my instincts and simply know what I feel. I feel that he loves me. That should be good enough right? I have such a hard time trusting myself.
If I feel the passion, if I feel the love, the warmth, the caring is truly some form of love, then that should be all I need, I think..... Why do I need this? To know that I am worthy of love and kindness from a man. Not the abuse I am subject to from my husband. He just happens to be my therapist.....

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by MASIMO

To know that I am worthy of love and kindness from a man.

This is true and completely unrelated to how your T feels about you. You are worthy of love and kindness. Your T is a professional assistant to help you heal.

[unaluna]

So if your therapist loves you, and you are "happy" even though you are not together IRL, then there is no reason for you to change your current circumstances. You can stay with your husband, and you can continue to be comforted by your therapist.

[beautiful.mess]

Originally Posted by MASIMO

OK, so I can never expect him to say he loves me. He has said he cares for me.
But not necessarily the same, but it could be. I guess I dont need him to say it in words. Should I trust my instincts and simply know what I feel. I feel that he loves me. That should be good enough right? I have such a hard time trusting myself.
If I feel the passion, if I feel the love, the warmth, the caring is truly some form of love, then that should be all I need, I think..... Why do I need this? To know that I am worthy of love and kindness from a man. Not the abuse I am subject to from my husband. He just happens to be my therapist.....

Just wanted to say you're not alone in that feeling; I feel that way too, all the time. It's a very difficult thing to learn: trusting our own feelings and perceptions.

That's all I wanted to say.

[roads]

Originally Posted by MASIMO

He just happens to be my therapist.....

There's no "just happens" about it. He IS your therapist. And he isn't in love with you.

You are talking yourself into something here, or at least trying to. Why? You say you can't trust yourself. No, most of us can't--it's a big reason why we're in therapy. Our instincts mislead us.

I understand spousal abuse and the need to know other men can desire us. I understand daydreams & longing. I understand wanting the love we deserve. But I don't understand jeopardizing a lot of hard work by going backwards & trusting the very instincts that led us astray.

You are smarter than this. Your therapist is clearly a professional. If you continue this, it will become ethically imperative for him to refer you to another therapist. Then what? Do you imagine he's harboring some sweet little love nest for the two of you?

[brudswick]

silence wont help anything try to open up a bit and youll be pleasently surprised

[elliemay]

Whoa here folks! I gotta say, I think the way you are feeling about your therapist is completely normal, healthy and a natural extension of being treated kindly, with respect and attention.

I see absolutely no reason for you to beat yourself up over it. I mean, if one is subject to abuse, the fact that you still crave and desire love - and can recognize at least the basics of what constitutes love - is a celebration of the human spirit and its innate, and indomitable willingness to connect.

I say, enjoy how *you* feel about your therapist.

The pain from this is going to come when you realize (and you will and it's okay) that your therapist, if he cares for you at all, will celebrate this feeling with you, but cannot return it the way you want.

It has nothing to do with you, it has nothing to do with whether you deserve his love or not, but rather it has everything to do with your *long term happiness*.

If you can allow yourself to feel love for your therapist, then I'm sure you can imagine how *amazing* it would feel if love *can* and *will* be reciprocated.

It's important to understand that your therapist's experience of therapy is entirely different from yours. You share, he doesn't. You experience intimacy with him, but he only, and rightly, participates in your intimacy. It does not flow in both directions.

I think it is very easy for people to say "OH NO, don't feel this, don't expect this, don't....." However, you feel the way you feel, and it's okay.

This therapeutic relationship has limits, but imagine what a relationship that *doesn't* have these limits would feel like!