[rainbow8]

I know I will get over it, but I just came back from my session and I am extremely jealous of my T. I had been talking about my relationship with my H and that it is a milestone anniversary next week but that we never do anything special and I know no one is making us a party. When my parents celebrated this anniversary I made them a party but I didn't have any kids then and had a lot of free time. I don't even want a party.

I mentioned that I wish I could go to Hawaii though we were there twice when my H's company had meetings there. At the end of my session, my T told me she is going away in a couple of weeks. I asked where she was going and she didn't want to tell me at first. You guessed it. Hawaii!! I immediately told her I was jealous and asked for a hug. We walked out to our cars together and I almost started crying.

I'm so, so jealous of her even though I've been there. She's been there too. I want to do something special with my H but there is nothing to do. I am scared of flying anyway and we can't get away now.

How can I get rid of this jealousy? What should I do? I told my H and he said sometime we could go with mileage. But that doesn't make me feel better for now. I want to celebrate now. I know I'm acting like a little kid.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I'm so, so jealous of her even though I've been there. She's been there too. I want to do something special with my H but there is nothing to do....

I told my H and he said sometime we could go with mileage. But that doesn't make me feel better for now. I want to celebrate now.

I'm really glad you told your H how you were feeling. That's a positive thing in a relationship to tell someone you would like to celebrate all the years you have been together. Could the two of you brainstorm together and think of something special to do to celebrate that doesn't involve going on a trip? Maybe it could just be going on a walk in a favorite area to see the scenery. And then stopping for lunch after at a favorite cafe. I think what's important is the urge to celebrate and mark the occasion, not necessarily to go someplace far away. You can do that later, as your husband said, when you have enough mileage accumulated. But please don't let that stop you from celebrating now. This could help the two of you draw closer.

It's understandable you would feel jealous of your T. I hope you won't let that feeling stop you from doing something with your H to mark the occasion, though.

[unaluna]

Don't try to get rid of the jealousy. Don't try to feel better. Use this opportunity to explore your negative feelings towards T and H.

[WePow]

Hankster is right. Don't toss anything out. Pull it into your awareness. You are hurting. You are missing something. There is a reason for your pain. What do you NEED right now?

[CantExplain]

I think you handled it very well. You said how you felt, after all.

[vaffla]

Jealousy is such an uncomfortable feeling . I feel for you.
I am envious of my T, too. I envy her professional success, I envy her ocean view home, I envy her car. Lot's of small, stupid things. I haven't discussed it with her yet, but I am sure it will come up.
I agree with what Hankster wrote you, this is all grist for the mill. Too bad it's so painful on the way .

[rainbow8]

sunrise: thank you. Yes, I always like to do something "on the day" and since neither of us work anymore, we can at least go somewhere. He said he could go to the lake, my favorite place, even though it is winter now. We could go out for lunch. I'm making a card for him, with a poem.

hankster: Good advice! Thank you. I do have a lot of feelings about my T's trip. I became instantly jealous and sad. I feel cheated, though why? I don't know. I've been on trips alone with my H and many family trips. Maybe because now our visits are to our kids, but last time we were there we were both sick so we didn't go anywhere. Last summer my kids went on the kind of family vacation we used to take, and I was jealous of them!

It seems like I have a hard time "remembering" the good times I've had. They don't stick with me. I need constant recharging, and get triggered and jealous when someone does something I want to do. My T can afford these pleasure trips and that makes me angry. I want to cry about it, and have a huge tantrum!!!!

WePow: I need to cry but I'm holding back, even to myself. My H said we could go to Alaska or the Canadian Rockies sometime though we need passports for the latter. He's been there on business trips but I haven't. I'm scared to travel but I love it at the same time! I feel like I'm getting too old to go anywherel though I know that's not true. I want to see more places before I get old and sick. I feel like life is over and I don't have anything to look forward to. I don't believe him that we will ever travel again.

Travel always triggers me in one way or another.

Can'tExplain: Yes, I'm usually open with my T but that doesn't help the way I'm feeling right now.

I should make a gratitude list instead of feeling jealous of my T and sorry for myself. When talking about my marriage in my session, my T suggested writing down all the good things about my H and our marriage instead of dwelling on the negatives. I had been talking about what I missed and wondering whether I would have been happier with someone else who could meet my needs better. She said I stayed married all these years so I must have gotten something. True.

I just wish she weren't going to Hawaii!!!!

[crazycanbegood]

but are you jealous of T or just very disappointed you can't do what you really want? I say plan the trip and have that to look forward to.

[mixedup_emotions]

((( Rainbow )))

I hate it when those feelings of envy/jealousy creep up on me. It's overwhelming at times, and feels SO SO BAD. My T tells me to "be curious" about any strong emotion....and to be willing to explore it, see where it takes you.

You are so open with your T, so I'd be curious to know what a discussion about this would lead to.

In the meantime, allowing yourself to experience the feelings is a step - hopefully by acknowledging its presence, it will give the feeling its space and dissipate...

[rainbow8]

vaffla, it's so nice to see you here again. Thanks for telling me you also get envious of your T. That helps. od

crazycanbegood: Hmm... I didn't think I wanted to go on a trip until my T told me where she was going! But I do get jealous of another friend who is traveling a lot lately. I didn't think we could afford any more trips because of construction on our house and not working so I have to ask my H again. It would be nice to go somewhere I haven't been to, and yes, it would give me something to look forward to, but it might not be until next summer and that seems like an eternity to me.

MUE: I agree with you. My jealousy has come up before though I haven't been as open about it with my T. I think I already told her I feel cheated and that I want to be able to travel again though I'm ambivalent because I don't like to fly. My H doesn't care because he's been everywhere. In fact, he told my T that when we saw my T together once. He would just as soon stay home and sleep! But maybe I need to explore it more now that it triggered me so strongly today.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

It seems like I have a hard time "remembering" the good times I've had. They don't stick with me. I need constant recharging, and get triggered and jealous when someone does something I want to do. My T can afford these pleasure trips and that makes me angry. I want to cry about it, and have a huge tantrum!!!!

WePow: I need to cry but I'm holding back, even to myself. My H said we could go to Alaska or the Canadian Rockies sometime though we need passports for the latter. He's been there on business trips but I haven't. I'm scared to travel but I love it at the same time! I feel like I'm getting too old to go anywherel though I know that's not true. I want to see more places before I get old and sick. I feel like life is over and I don't have anything to look forward to. I don't believe him that we will ever travel again.

Travel always triggers me in one way or another.

These all sound like excellent things to tell T about.

[rainbow8]

Sigh....My T knows all that already. I just have to learn some coping mechanisms I guess.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I just wish she weren't going to Hawaii!!!!

This holds a lot of info. Is this competitiveness? You want to take the trip away from your T?

[rainbow8]

Sannah: No, My T deserves to go on vacations so I don't want to take it away from her. I just want to go too! Not with her. There's another part who doesn't want her to leave, but the part who is envious just wants to go on a trip to a beautiful, scenic fun place again.

I haven't been anywhere for about 3 years except to my kids (that's not particularly scenic and we've done the museums, etc. many times already) and I feel like I won't get to travel any more in my life, which isn't necessarily true. People 20 years older than I am still travel. I just fear getting older, which was always in the past, but suddenly it's NOW. Yeah, grist for the mill. My T is younger than I am but she understands, and we have talked about it. But what's there to do? We all get old; that's life.

[skysblue]

Rainbow - do you really want to travel or is the travel just symbolic for your grief at aging? If you really want to travel, you can. There are ways. You just have to put your mind to it. A goal can be achieved if you identify your goal and put some energy trying to achieve it. It might be fun for you and your H to decide a travel destination and work ways to make it happen.

I love to travel and I might make a European trip this Spring or Asia. I also hope to visit some other parts of the country soon.

And if it's just symbolic of time passing, this is definitely a place to work on. What is there that can fulfill you in life? Search inside yourself to learn what it is that would be satisfying. It can take time but it's a worthwhile exploration that you can also do with your T.

[rainbow8]

skysblue: It's both, I think. The trip is symbolic of dreams that haven't been fulfilled, places I'd like to go, and of the aging process. You give me encouragement because of your travels!

I've traveled to some foreign countries and it was a huge accomplishment for me because of my many fears. Flying is stressful but I do it anyway. I feel like I'm risking my life when I get on an airplane which is totally illogical since driving a car is much more dangerous!

I HAVE done things in my life recently that I thought I'd never do. I posted about them, I think, in one of your threads. They are extremely fulfilling!

I always want what other people have, so there's a little of that in my jealousy. Like: if my T can go to Hawaii, why can't I? If my friend can travel all over, why can't I? I have the "it's not fair" attitude, and feel like I've been cheated. But I HAVE traveled a fair amount. It's the same pattern of wanting MORE.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I just fear getting older, which was always in the past, but suddenly it's NOW.... But what's there to do? We all get old; that's life.

That's a great topic to explore in therapy, definitely a biggy worth multiple sessions or touching on and returning to several times. I know it doesn't help your feelings of jealousy now, but maybe just in pointing to this possible direction in therapy, it might help to know maybe you can work through some of your anxiety about this.

I don't like to fly either, and am scared, but I just grit my teeth and do it, because I know otherwise I would severely constrain my life. Do you have one of those credit cards where you accumulate airline mileage? That can really help the miles add up quickly. Not all destinations require you to fly either. You could do a long driving trip. Or train. There are delightful train trips through the Canadian Rockies. I took a summer trip there a long time ago, by car, and it was wonderful. We went to Jasper and Banff and saw gorgeous scenery and hiked. If you are not into strenuous mountain hiking, there are many flat and scenic walks too.

Hang in there, Rainbow. You still have a lot of life in front of you. And Happy Anniversary.

[pbutton]

I also hate to fly. I sit on the plane w/my Lorazepam in my pocket, terrified of both the Lorezapam and the flight. Good times. lol

[rainbow8]

Thanks, sunrise. For the advice, and for the anniversary wishes. We have mileage but will wait until spring or summer. My H hates to drive and I don't like expressways with many lanes. He does most of the driving when we visit our kids anyway. We both want to go to Banff. He's been there but I haven't.

pbutton, yeah, I know what you mean. I don't take any meds and I try not to think about crashing. Sometimes it works if there's not too much turbulence.

[skysblue]

Rainbow - I HATE flying. I've had panic attacks on flights before. But now I take a klonopin before takeoff and I'm able to 'enjoy' the flight. Even so, airports are tough. Getting through security is a pain, the long waits are exhausting, the sardine can to sit in for hours can be excruciating. Every time I fly, I vow to quit. But then I quickly return to my desire to visit friends and family which can only be realistically accomplished by flying. So, it's a tradeoff to be sure.

[WePow]

(((((Rainbow))))

When I read this:" WePow: I need to cry but I'm holding back, even to myself "

I hear: "I need to grieve. I need to express my sadness. I need to release the internal pain. But I am not allowing myself to do this."

Can you tell what it is that is stopping you from giving yourself what you need?
((Just thinking outloud here))

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Sigh....My T knows all that already. I just have to learn some coping mechanisms I guess.

There's no rule that says you can't raise them again. Quite the reverse.

My experience is I keep coming back to the same things over and over. But each time I go just a little bit deeper.

My T says it's great to come back to square one because square one is where all journeys start.

By the way, what's at Banff that you should want to go there?

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

By the way, what's at Banff that you should want to go there?

Winter is beautiful in the Rockies. A Canadian friend told me that "Banff" is the sound of a snowmobile hitting a tree.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I always want what other people have, so there's a little of that in my jealousy. Like: if my T can go to Hawaii, why can't I? If my friend can travel all over, why can't I? I have the "it's not fair" attitude, and feel like I've been cheated. But I HAVE traveled a fair amount. It's the same pattern of wanting MORE.

Hmmmmmm, have you always been like this? Do you think that you are self centered?

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

Winter is beautiful in the Rockies. A Canadian friend told me that "Banff" is the sound of a snowmobile hitting a tree.

Lol!