[beautiful.mess]

I hate being in therapy. I don't know if it's helping. Maybe it is but I hold back a lot. I'm afraid of exposing who I really am.....who I REALLY am, to another human being. I hate the fact that I can't trust my T yet. I hate that I can't/won't completely let him in. I don't want to be dependent on him. I don't like the "therapeutic relationship" and the unbalanced nature of the whole thing (I struggle with this a LOT....I've brought it up in T and have gotten really nowhere as of yet). I hate the fact that I'm so impatient with myself. I hate the life that I had growing up and that I'm even in therapy. I hate how I'm a grown adult who can't get her crap together long enough to function like a "normal" person without therapy. I don't like how long it's taking me to "make progress" with my therapist and with myself and my problems.

I just want peace in my life. I just want to be happy. Just for once, I want to feel happy.

I had a session today and as expected, I come home and I feel like I've been hit by a bus. I'm OK when I'm there and then when I leave it hits me like a ton of bricks....all the stuff I talked about.....and it hits me all at once. I'm so exhausted and out of it. I need to do math with my 8 yr old (we homeschool) and read with my kids and I don't have the energy. And I just don't care to be honest. I hate that I don't care and I feel enormously guilty for that. I have to make dinner and other stuff and I just want someone else to do it all. I love my kids with my whole heart and soul but honestly.....sometimes i hate being a mom and having all this responsibility, esp on days when I have a t session. There's no time to take care of myself. But I have to get up in a minute and get it done; my biggest fear is my kids knowing me the way I know my mom and then THEY will be where I'm at 20 years from now. Yeah, uh....no thanks. Not no way, not no how.

UGH. I don't know what my problem is. I just need a hug.

[Nelliecat]

((((((beautiful))))))

[beautiful.mess]

Originally Posted by Nelliecat

((((((beautiful))))))

That feels nice.....thank you.

You will make progress, it'll happen...

[sittingatwatersedge]

Hugs you got

it's a hard process, but it works. You are very brave to realize the need and to try hard. Try to be patient with yourself; my t reminds me, when I get impatient, how many years it took me to get to the day when i walked in her door (55). It won't take 55 more to untie the knots I had gotten myself tied into, she assures me, but the time it does take seems to stretch out so long............

sorry for it. Hang on

[pbutton]

for you

[beautiful.mess]

Thanks guys. Cyber hugs really do feel so good.

I think I get antsy too, because I want to make sure that *I* leave before he decides he can't help me. I really don't trust that he will be there long term if that's what it comes down to, kwim? But if I get healthy and leave first, then he won't have the opportunity to hurt me through terminating me. Does that make any sense?

God I hate this.

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by beautiful.mess

I hate being in therapy. I don't know if it's helping. Maybe it is but I hold back a lot. I'm afraid of exposing who I really am.....who I REALLY am, to another human being. I hate the fact that I can't trust my T yet. I hate that I can't/won't completely let him in. I don't want to be dependent on him. I don't like the "therapeutic relationship" and the unbalanced nature of the whole thing (I struggle with this a LOT....I've brought it up in T and have gotten really nowhere as of yet). I hate the fact that I'm so impatient with myself. I hate the life that I had growing up and that I'm even in therapy. I hate how I'm a grown adult who can't get her crap together long enough to function like a "normal" person without therapy. I don't like how long it's taking me to "make progress" with my therapist and with myself and my problems.

I just want peace in my life. I just want to be happy. Just for once, I want to feel happy.

I had a session today and as expected, I come home and I feel like I've been hit by a bus. I'm OK when I'm there and then when I leave it hits me like a ton of bricks....all the stuff I talked about.....and it hits me all at once. I'm so exhausted and out of it. I need to do math with my 8 yr old (we homeschool) and read with my kids and I don't have the energy. And I just don't care to be honest. I hate that I don't care and I feel enormously guilty for that. I have to make dinner and other stuff and I just want someone else to do it all. I love my kids with my whole heart and soul but honestly.....sometimes i hate being a mom and having all this responsibility, esp on days when I have a t session. There's no time to take care of myself. But I have to get up in a minute and get it done; my biggest fear is my kids knowing me the way I know my mom and then THEY will be where I'm at 20 years from now. Yeah, uh....no thanks. Not no way, not no how.

UGH. I don't know what my problem is. I just need a hug.

[learning1]

Your kids are lucky to have you

[beautiful.mess]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

Thank you.

[beautiful.mess]

Originally Posted by learning1

Your kids are lucky to have you

Thank you, I SO needed to hear that right now.

[rainbow_rose]

(((((((sweepy)))))))

I homeschool too, and when I first started therapy, we REALLY stuck with the basics. Because it DOES take a lot of energy, and that's hard to come by when we're a little unraveled from therapy.

Things gradually got better...a LOT better. Be gentle with yourself. It won't feel like this forever.

And...some homeschooling reassurance...my oldest was homeschooled from K through 8th grade. We were pretty relaxed homeschoolers...no boxed curriculum, etc...and he always scored in the top percentile on standardized tests and was accepted into a very competitive program in a high school near us...where he's a freshman getting As in AP and honors classes. The things that happened in our lives that derailed school temporarily...my dad's illness, starting therapy, etc...didn't derail his LEARNING. And he learned other important lessons during those times that aren't in books. Trust yourself and trust your kids. I bet you are doing a great job.

[beautiful.mess]

Originally Posted by rainbow_rose

Thank you.

God I really needed the hugs. Even though their "just" cyber hugs they still matter lots!

[beautiful.mess]

Originally Posted by treehouse

(((((((sweepy)))))))

I homeschool too, and when I first started therapy, we REALLY stuck with the basics. Because it DOES take a lot of energy, and that's hard to come by when we're a little unraveled from therapy.

Things gradually got better...a LOT better. Be gentle with yourself. It won't feel like this forever.

And...some homeschooling reassurance...my oldest was homeschooled from K through 8th grade. We were pretty relaxed homeschoolers...no boxed curriculum, etc...and he always scored in the top percentile on standardized tests and was accepted into a very competitive program in a high school near us...where he's a freshman getting As in AP and honors classes. The things that happened in our lives that derailed school temporarily...my dad's illness, starting therapy, etc...didn't derail his LEARNING. And he learned other important lessons during those times that aren't in books. Trust yourself and trust your kids. I bet you are doing a great job.

Thank you for this reassurance Treehouse. This is my 3rd year homeschooling my kids (K, 2nd, 4th and 6th) and my emotional state of of affairs and therapy has to kind of go to the backburner at certain times during the day. I just don't have the time to sit and wallow on the floor and fall apart (even though I want to). This is my first time in therapy (6 months in so far) and it's just so hard on days when I come home from sessions and feel like crappola. It helps me feel so much better that another home schooling mom can calm my biggest fear - that my kids will grow up to be knuckleheads because their mother couldn't get her act together. We are relaxed HS's too. No boxed stuff. I focus mostly on reading, writing and math and implement ambleside online as much as I can; I'm real big on classic literature, copywork, narrations, dictations, etc. but realistically can only do so much. It's hard for me to NOT look at what we're not doing but if I can get some basics done every day and also reading and a trip to the library once a week I feel accomplished.

Thanks again (I do appreciate it!).

[mommyof2girls]

[beautiful.mess]

Originally Posted by mommyof2girls

Thank you,

[Nelliecat]

(((((beautiful)))))

How are you doing today?

[rainbow_rose]

(new day, new hug )

[needfixing]

have a journal.
write the date and than write out your thoughts and emotions.
either keep what you wrote or throw it away.
keeping it your keeping track of how you were on a daily basis.
as for being a mom, i don't know what happen to you in your past, but you wanting to be healthy for your kids is a sign of a good mother. (((hugs)))
talking about your past to your t is bringing out emotions that were bruied deep down inside of you. this is normal to feel like a bus hit you.
the same thing happened to me when i started to confront my abuses, this is part of healing.
for me i reached for, lean on, and trust my faith.
thank you for sharing(((hugs)))

[granite1]

[phoenix7]

[bluemountains]

((((beautiful.mess!))))

I could have written your post because I am feeling exactly like you each time I have therapy. I, too, have to go back to teaching my class 19 kids after the session. After my last session, I was so off course that I could not focus on the paperwork I needed to do. Fortunately, my lack of focus and high energy level made recess a breeze, though.

I, too, have a fear of being dismissed before I'm fixed because I am too much of a challenge.

Hang in there, and believe the words of encouragement from these great pc people!

bluemountains

[karebear1]

Beautiful- there are so many wonderful people here aren't there? We are really very blessed by this site.

I homeschooled my kids for a while- I know how much work it is and how draining it can be. I admire you for continuing it.

Here are some hugs for you- hope you're feeling better soon.

[mixedup_emotions]

(((((( HUGS ))))))

I can soooo relate to just wanting to get straight to FEELING HAPPY....