I've gone mad

hazeleyes · Feb 05, 2006, 08:35 PM

I just sent the weirdest e-mail to my T! Ahhhhh she's gonna think I'm really losing it now I've gone mad

I feel like I'm about to lose my mind. I'm looking for the meaning of life all over the Internet. Maybe I need to be enlightened and move to India? But I will doubt anything that comes my way. Because I think my brain is playing a game with me. I can't think, can't sleep, don't want to go on another day like this. But tomorrow I need to wake up to just another day. I need therapy 24/7, and yet I want to quit. How can anyone get better while facing your demons? Answer that one! How can I find a new job and be successful with this depression and all the anxiety and fear? I just want to hide. I'm crawling into that black hole and please let me stay there for sometime. I can't seem to find the meaning. I give up!! Fine.....if you think I whine, vent, complain..... maybe I'm crazy? They all say it will get better, but what else would one say? "No, it won't get better you might as well shoot yourself?" Grrrrrrrrrr, and it's all up to me! I've gone mad

Oh, btw is there a limit to how many icons you can put in a msg? I've gone mad

Maybe I'll get banned for complaining too much I've gone mad

(((((

(JD) · Feb 05, 2006, 08:46 PM

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How can anyone get better while facing your demons?

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That IS how we get better...that is how we heal... and with the expert help of a T, we do it faster and easier..yes, easier, than if we were left to face them all alone. Therapy = healing and it is very hard work, very hard work indeed!

Finding the meaning of life? The journey is the meaning...

contemplating · Feb 05, 2006, 08:52 PM

I'm sorry to hear how much you hurt. I agree that it seems like it will never get better. I only know that it has gotten better before. That is also depressing because it scares me to think that it may get better only to get worse again.

Right now I am trying to think of something that will help me feel better if even for a short while. Moment by moment, right? I hope you will find the comfort you deserve and the strength you need to do what will help you. This is a tough battle. I wish you well!!

kimmydawn · Feb 05, 2006, 09:08 PM

((((((((((((hazeleyes)))))))))))))) if ok.

I've been where you're at, and it does get better. It gets worse again, then better. That is our journey, I think.

I'm working on facing the "demons" and it's hell on earth, but we'll make it through this. I want my power back.

I wish you more than well. Please let us know how you're doing.

KD

pegasus · Feb 06, 2006, 09:52 AM

hazeleyes,
Just remember that therapy is painful but it is definately worth it.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel! And then you will realise that you were not going mad. Suffering from psychological pain is not going mad. You are a human being with feelings!

You are hurting alot right now. But remember that it is like being on a very bumpy road,and you will get to where you want to be.

Thinking of you.

Feb 06, 2006, 10:09 AM

You're climbing the ladder towards healing. One rung at a time...it's shaking and you look down.... you see the grey and hard ground below.....you're losing your balance... it's scary... but you manage to regain your balance.... you lift your head up and see the end of the ladder... your goal.... you continue by taking an other step up the ladder.... we're holding the ladder to make it shake less.... you're on your way....rung by rung.... rung by rung

Continue to climb your ladder, Hazeleyes!

((((((((Hazeleyes)))))))

dottie · Feb 06, 2006, 10:23 AM

Hi Hazeleyes. I don't know if you are on meds, however, I'm thinking that that could be a factor in how you are feeling..imo! Take care!! I've gone mad

DaveyJones · Feb 06, 2006, 07:51 PM

Hi, Hazeleyes,

You're not gonna find the meaning of life on the Internet, that's for sure...Was it Sky that said that the journey is the meaning? I like that, but would add that it's your journey with others that brings meaning...

Sorry you're feeling so bad--it will get better, though, if you make it so.

DJ

Overcastbutclearing · Feb 07, 2006, 07:53 AM

Hazleeyes....
I also try to look for things online to either give me hope or to assure me that my plans for final destination can be proved. The Demons inside of my consume me.
My T tells me to stop looking things up online. She says they begin to complicate what I am learning in T.
And ((DJ)) is so right...there is no "meaning of life" to be found searching the internet.
If you go to India...do you not take your troubles and pain w/ you? I know it sounds like a great idea now...but your mind goes w/ you wherever you go.
Stay here. Keep fighting the demons. Keep working on YOU!
Stay Safe!

hazeleyes · Feb 07, 2006, 08:05 AM

Thank you ((EVERYONE)) for your support. I keep telling myself I need to try to focus on the positive more. And do the work in therapy even if it hurts and even if I question it. I just know I want to find that inner peace and happiness. I don't want to waste my life with being depressed and worried, thinking about death or abandoning my kids the way I have been abandoned. It is hard work, and I really believe in changing my whole lifestyle. From what I eat and drink, to sleeping habits, do meditation/yoga, avoid all kind of stress and finding a meaningful job of some kind. And I am not sure it means a "traditional job"? Maybe I need a spiritual awakaning? Maybe I should go further into new age? Who knows what is right or wrong? Some seem to have find their ways to happiness and I know they didn't have an easy road. We're all the same, but different. Right now I'm ok, just extremely tired. Coping with just this day.
/hazeleyes I've gone mad

Azalysa · Feb 07, 2006, 05:05 PM

I'm so sorry you're having it rough right now hazeleyes. I've gone mad

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Coping with just this day.

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You just gave yourself the best advice that any of us can do. We have no idea what tomorrow will bring, or even the next hour.

Did you ever see the movie "What About Bob?" It cracks me up each time I see it, but the message is valid "Baby steps, baby steps."

Warmly.... I've gone mad

hazeleyes · Feb 07, 2006, 06:00 PM

sj......I have heard about this guru/avatar...spiritual man, and his wife..... Many people go to India to them, to find happiness and peace. I'm not sure what to believe but doing some research. I don't seem to fit into the "regular" society. It is too stressful and shallow for me I've gone mad

check out this site: http://www.livinginjoy.com/

Altho, I don't know what to believe anymore. I'm afraid I'll never find the right answers and it scares me to death. Maybe it's my genes or my bad nerves I don't know. ........... sorry but I'm so tired. Going to bed. Thank you for listening to me. Venting.... But I can't live like this. I just don't know how to get out of this burn out, depression..... there's too much stress and I can't seem to figure it out. Don't want to be messing with more meds either, I'm taking zoloft and for now it seems useless since my mind is the same mess as when I first got on them. blablabla....geesh I need sleep!

hazeleyes · Feb 07, 2006, 06:03 PM

Sky, I won't give up. I can face my demons. I just don't know how long I will manage to go on like this? With the depression and being so sensitive to stress. I'm trying to take care of me but I feel stuck and there is some stress that I can't get rid of, in my family life....

hazeleyes · Feb 07, 2006, 06:08 PM

((((kimmydawn)))) Hey, you look wonderful in that picture, has anyone told you that? I'm sending some LOVE your way. I hope we'll come out stronger, healthier and happier on the other side. I'm just afraid, tired and sad right now..... I've gone mad

kimmydawn · Feb 08, 2006, 11:52 AM

Thank you for the kind words I've gone mad

we will make through to the other side with this...on top!

KD

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