[WePow]

TRIG FOR SX ITEM

Ok so I have session today. First of all, I really don't want to see my T any more because I did my normal shut down thing emotionally after he didn't reply to my very open last email about the wonderful session we had. I know I should have asked him again about the reply, but I just didn't want to do it - self protection mode.

So I have been doing hypnosis on myself to try to not have anger at work and also to not feel anything about my T emotionally. I really have a problem with feeling close to others and fight that.

So last night I had a dream that I was talking to T and he was just not able to make me feel better. Then I was trying to leave and he tried to do something with sx stuff that totally FREAKED ME OUT!!! in my dream!! UGGGG! It was horrid to dream that!!!!

Now I have to go see my T today and
1) I don't want to tell him that I am trying to hypnotise myself into being emotionally distant from him.
2) I DON'T want to tell him about that horrid dream!!!!!
But I think the dream means that I am somehow afraid of being satisfied by what I do get from therapy.

[googley]

I'm sorry you are in such a hard place right now. Hugs if okay.

hey, wepow. i am going to see my T today too. am also not looking forward to it.

regarding your post, you also have the option of telling the T about your interpretation of the dream rather than what happened in it. i have never been hypnotized by myself or anyone else. but, it seems risky to hypnotize yourself, especially if you have not been trained in it and if you are trying to alter your reactions to things. of course, if you do not want to tell the T of your efforts to self hypnotize then the other option is to cease trying to do it and rely on a trained professional instead. frankly, it's much safer.

when it comes to finding satisfaction in therapy, i find it to be a mixed bag. do you get something out of it? yes, probably. do you get exactly what you want out of it? probably not since it is our false expectations that are causing some of the problems in the first place. we have to settle for what we get out of therapy (which, of course, is based on what we put into it). so, my suggestion is: put what is on your mind into therapy because that will probably lead you to the best results. if you are not upfront with your T, then they will not be able to properly advise you and will not fully understand what it going on. all the best to you!

[WePow]

I think I will just do ANYTHING to not feel what I feel at times. When I told T the feelings were too strong, he looked at me like he didn't get it. I think some people feel things at different levels than other people. IDK. But maybe I am just too hyper sensitive to life. It is not just pain for me - it is very intense and I just can't take it.

I've had a s*x dream about T and it did freak me out, until I was poking around the internet in dream interpretation and found that s*x is frequently interpreted as a desire for connection, not the deed itself. That felt more true to me, that my dream was about a desire to connect.

My guess is that your T feels you (or you believe he will feel you) pulling away from him. Maybe it's not the first time you've felt this way

So maybe your dream is about your wish for T to find a way to connect with you, even though you feel this way.

And like Guy pointed out, you might want to just tell him up front about the way you feel about him not answering your email. And your desire to pull away. He'll help you find a better way than disconnecting.

Hugs, Anne

[roads]

Your interpretation of your dream is probably pretty close. We each have our own dream language, so what it would me to me (should I dream that sort of dream) could be very different from yours.

But it's very very often true that sex in a dream isn't about sex.

I think the fact that you wanted a reply from T re: your email but didn't want to have to ask for one/was uncomfortable asking for one is indicative of a "problem" so many of us have. We just want others who are important to us to know these things. If we're important to them, we shouldn't have to tell them. If we have to tell them, we can't mean much to them--after all, what we want/need is so obvious. & I feel unvalued if I have to come right out and say it.

I'm not trying to put words in your mouth. These words have come from my mouth, as I've tried to deal with it with Ts. I think it's a major issue. If you agree, I hope you'll tell T what you told us.

Good luck with your session. I've got one with my pdoc...

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by WePow

Now I have to go see my T today and
1) I don't want to tell him that I am trying to hypnotise myself into being emotionally distant from him.
2) I DON'T want to tell him about that horrid dream!!!!!
But I think the dream means that I am somehow afraid of being satisfied by what I do get from therapy.

Consciously, you want to be less connected with T.
Subconsciously, you want to be more connected with T.

Hence the internal conflict.

I was never DID, but in my attitude to T, I was almost three different people. My subconscious child wanted to get as close as possible. My subconscious teenager wanted to get as far as possible. And my conscious adult didn't know what to do.

This was the most horrible year of therapy. I couldn't bear it and had to stop. But I went back.

The child won, but oh, how the teenager fought!!!

[ECHOES]

What about going the other direction and stating to yourself emphatically, Boy I am feeling angry with T for not responding to my email, for not sharing in my joy and it makes me feel (neglected, unimportant, way too vulnerable, etc). And I'm feeling angry with myself because I put myself 'out there' and because I didn't ask for a response and now I want to just forget the whole thing. You know, the whole 'sitting with it' thing.

Sometimes I go in and T wants to know if I want to talk about the email, and sometimes I just refuse because I am so bratty to her sometimes. And other times I do and in minutes, I feel all that flowing calm and wonderfulness.

I hope you feel better soon, WePow

[WePow]

I went to session. T didn't even hint at the email. But he had a new device for the EMDR that really triggered me so session was just all over the map. It just went from bad to very bad by the end of things. Now I am trying to stay grounded or whatever but not sure what to do to fix myself.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by WePow

I went to session. T didn't even hint at the email. But he had a new device for the EMDR that really triggered me so session was just all over the map. It just went from bad to very bad by the end of things. Now I am trying to stay grounded or whatever but not sure what to do to fix myself.

Ouch - so sorry.

[WePow]

I may be very dumb right now because I emailed him the post just now so he could see what is wrong. ugggg~~~!

[ECHOES]

WePow, did you ask for a reply?

No, I think that was a good thing to do! He's on your side, and he needs to know what you're feeling. You'll get through this - you're a fighter and a survivor. Hugs, and take care of yourself

[WePow]

I did ask for a reply to the other email but not to this one. I dont WANT a reply actually. In fact, I hope he doesn't even read it!!!!!

[delicatefade26]

(((wepow))) I think it's a good thing you sent the email! I know it's tough and you don't want him to read it...but there is also a reason you sent it...I'm sure T will handle this in a gentle and good way! Safe hugs while you go through this!!!

(((((((WePow))))))))

Ugh, I'm sorry your session was so hard.

Sometimes, getting grounded for me means getting into my body. Feeling my feet on the floor, relaxing my shoulders, holding something in my hand that I can focus on (like a pebble).

But sometimes my body is the LAST place I want to be...I've learned I can still get grounded when I feel like that. I can listen for six sounds around me and name them, I can focus on my breath...things that bring me into this moment, now. Not before, not later, just now. Because now is safe.

Connecting with others helps me get more grounded too - talking to my H or a friend, posting here. And sometimes giving my other parts what they need helps...coloring for my little parts, playing guitar hero for my teenagery parts...just things they like.

I know how hard it is to get grounded after a hard session, and sometimes I'm not even sure I *want* do get grounded...but if I don't, I tend to spiral out and it just feels really really hard.

Thinking of you

[roads]

Originally Posted by WePow

I went to session. .... It just went from bad to very bad by the end of things. Now I am trying to stay grounded or whatever but not sure what to do to fix myself.

Oh, not one of those sessions. I am so, so sorry, WePow. I've never understood how a T can let us just walk away. I wish I'd found some Magic Bullets over the years, but alas no.

If hugs would help...
** hugs galore, WePow **

Roadrunner

[mixedup_emotions]

(((((( WePow ))))))

I am glad that you sent the post to T. This way, he can get an idea of what you're feeling so you can work through this. Of course, that's my rational feedback....

[Lauru]

Originally Posted by WePow

I think I will just do ANYTHING to not feel what I feel at times. When I told T the feelings were too strong, he looked at me like he didn't get it. I think some people feel things at different levels than other people. IDK. But maybe I am just too hyper sensitive to life. It is not just pain for me - it is very intense and I just can't take it.

Hi WePow. I get it. That intensity of feeling so much that it not only consumes you, but it consumes the whole world, it becomes All That Is. Ugg, how awful, I'm so sorry this happened to you.

[Chopin99]

I agree with Lauru! I know how it is!

[WePow]

My T is making time to see me today. So we can work out this stuff.

[WePow]

UPDATE!

Winter Solstice is today and it is very fitting. It feels like last night was the longest night of my life and I wanted to hide under a rock. My T asked me to not do that and so he invited me to see him today.

He was SOOOOO kind and made time for me out of his own holiday time...and he was tender with my little parts. He was patient with them. And he is so good with kids and those parts of me!!!! Wow. He really is amazing with working with child alters. I think he would make one kick-butt DID specialty therapist!!!! He is THAT good with those parts!

Anyway he used his fingers for the EMDR work and all my little parts trust his hands. Hands are a HUGE trigger for us... especially man hands :-( But we feel so safe looking at his hand. LOL. It sounds strange perhaps, but that is the only way I can describe it. They will NEVER EVER be hands that harm us and all our parts are finally really being able to grasp onto that trust.

Also I did ask about the email and he just had not read it - which was very strange but it just happened! And I knew I could email him and ask about it, but my fear was what stopped me. My lack of trust in my T and in myself and my ability to handle whatever the reason was behind the lack of a reply. I am very glad he didn't read that email though because I know today would not have happened. And today was a day of transformation.

Winter solstice marks the change from the night winning into the day winning.
Today was that day for me on a very deep level - on a root level.

Hands are a big trigger for me too. So happy that your T's hands feel safe for you.

Anne

Originally Posted by 3rdTimesTheCharm

Hands are a big trigger for me too. So happy that your T's hands feel safe for you.

Anne

Me too, and I so get what a big deal "safe hands" are.

I'm glad you got to see him again, WePow, and to feel some relief.