Although I have experienced group therapy before, nothing prepared me for this one. Both therapists stand in the background and even if a member is acting manipulative towards the other, they don't do anything but observe and ask a few questions. As early as the first session I found this one woman whose presence terrified me. When the session finished that day, I felt that I had become her. I felt a heavy weight descend upon me and walked clumsily for a few hours until I realized that I had either fused with her identity/self and/or my boundaries had been violated.
At the end of the second session, I ended having lunch with this woman. Even as I had told myself that I would do my best to avoid getting close with her. She remained me of everyone in my past with whom I had had bad experiences. True to that hunch, she made lots of assumptions about me and somehow I got the impresson that she would have preferred to be elsewhere.
Now, the third session has been the worst. Prior to the third session, I sent three emails to both of the therapists expressing my distressful state and that I feared the woman might attack me physically if I refused to be her friend. "Thank you for voicing your concerns with me. I encourage you to express yourself during group session. No member will be allowed to attach another member....," is what I got from them with more or less elaboration, but avoiding saying anything that would bring me peace of mind. They left me alone to be verbally abused not only by this woman, but also by other members who wanted to "make it all better" for her. And all I did is bring up two instances in which she had had a negative impact on me. It was enough for her to become a drama queen in a split second. What I said was:
1.- When you said that maybe my dad cares for my welfare when he said that I should consider not staying in the University library til midnight, I started doubting that my resolve was a healthy move for me.

2.- I found it mean and insensitive of you to tell me how your parents can be abusive, but not so rejecting and controlling like mine. It is like making fun of someone with a serious problem like anorexia.

In an alarmist to she replied, "You're saying that I am one of your abusers! I would not do that. We're both survivors of emotional abuse. You're saying that I've sided with your abuser...."

Ever since last wednesday, I have battled thoughts of what I could said in response to her accusations. At other times, I found myself imagining trying to make her see how distorted is her perception is. But wait, I already tried that and she responed in a condescending manner stating that this one point I was making was OK, but not to go into what I had said at the beginning.
I felt so lonely and so eager to please the therapists. I tried to make myself believe that I was feeling grounded and healed, but a few hours later it became clear to me that I was in a very uncomfortable and desperate emotional state. It has been very hard to focus in school work and I still feeling emotionally drained. The therapists don't seem to care as they claim. Had I known before joining how standofish they were gonna be, I would not have joined. They never advised me while the attack was going on as to the proper way to express my concerns.
Has anyone of you ever had a similar experience?

i am amazed at the lack of sensitivity that the Ts are showing. yes, we do have to learn how to resolve conflicts. but we don't have to be manipulated and feel threatened in a group. that is what a group leader is there for. not to put you on trial. i'm sorry that this happened. can you find another group ASAP? xoxo pat

[Junerain]

People manipulate me in much the same manner as this woman has manipulated you. You are just being non confrontational and stating things in a non accusatory manner. I doubt you have even confronted many people in life, you seem to blend in like a chameleon. Then someone sees something in you and because of your lack of aggressiveness they turn aggressive on YOU. You were just trying to get through the session witout conflict. I am this way and I always end up getting hurt because I am so non aggressive. People once called the cops on me just because I used a bathroom I wasnt supposed to. If you show you have a lack of aggressiveness then they make up for that lack of aggression in you. As far as not being able to concentrate on school, you need to talk out your feelings in solo therapy, and maybe here too, write about what keeps you from being able to concentrate. Get it all out.

[(JD)]

I never liked group therapy... and still don't like it unless it includes one on one with the same therapist(s) during the same week.

Try and keep to statements that portray how you are feeling, how you see what someone else is saying or doing... if you phrase it correctly, then no one can legitimately argue with what you are sensing.

What I get from that statement is.... how that idea affects me is.... When I hear something like that I...

Group therapy is definitely a time to use "I" statements, and allow the T's to help the others along.

Hello Fayerody,

Have you ever left a group? If so, what was the one factor or factors that prompted you leave? I am just asking because I tend to leave situations too early in the game.

Hi Junerain,
Could you please explain to me what you mean by "lack of aggressiveness," and "non-confrontational"? Doesn't aggression met with aggression further excalate conflicts?

Thanks, Sky. I'll try that next time.

[Junerain]

In my lifetime I have been very non confrontational..meaning..never standed up to someone who is using me, while being yelled at I simply say'"I'm so so sorry I love you," instead of yelling back...and it's bizarre...I've found all of the times I was yelled at and I smily sweetly said I am so sorry I love you that doesnt stop the person from yelling at me, I've found the sweeter I am the more they yell at me. It's bizarre..you would think a sweet smile and comment wouls stop them but it didnt. Then they accuse of of thinking only of myself when I didnt say anything about myself just say how much I love them. People have walked all over me and i'm just pointing out a bizarre human falacy that if you are as non confrontational as I am you LOSE in this life.........

[radio_flyer]

Interesting........ Seems if i Yell back, I get hit... and if i become submissive and let them yell they yell more... think folks can sense a weaker person and take out their frustrations on them.. Not sure.. there has to be a way to win when being confronted....

I have been in a variety of types of groups. I think I like doing group stuff better then I do individual therapy. In groups everything isn't focused directly on me. So I don't feel like Im always searching for things to say or how to say it to get my point across. no matter how it comes out theres gonig to be at least one other person that is going to understand what I am trying to say. the best part I am not always "on the hot seat".

In support based therapyu groups the professionals do take the back seat /distanced type attitude and amount of participation. this is because that group is geared for support - people with the same problem sharing their views both common and not with each other. Problems between the people in the group are dealt with between those that have the clashing problem. In life no one agrees 100% of the time and arguments do spring into things. So of course the same thing happens in groups. A therapist job in a support based group isnt to referee the problems. there are many reasons why a therapist is present during a support based group - the place the group is held is a professional building where the protocal is that a professional be on site, support groups around certain disorders are required to have a professional on site as a safety precaution for example a support group for DID needs to have a professional present. just getting 2 people with this disorder and you can have the two of them together triggering into well over 400 memory pieces and some of them could be the violent memorys where someone was forced to do harm or fight back being rerun and acting on.

Support based groups are member run and taken care of by the members and have no real agenda unless the members themselves decide to work on something specific the next session.

Therapy based groups are a bit different. the professional takes the active lead role of planning the discussions and activities worked on and they keep the group focused on that specific material. They don't referee for the members of the group when different opinions come up, they just make sure everyone stays on the topic that the therapist planned for that day, and the work planned for that session gets completed. Most times therapy based groups are learning coping skills type activites and most use a specific workbook or text book. for example the depression management group that I attended was therapy based. A therapist planned the material to be covered. We used activites from the work book Mind over mood. She also suplimented this with NAMI handouts and other professional type handouts about depression, and ways to handle the symptoms of depression. We also had Homework at times where we had to set a goal during the group, break that goal down into steps and accomplish the goal that week and at check in the next session talk some on how it went..

Yes I have walked out of a support group session or two. support groups are not manditory a person can come and go as they please. It doesn't matter why they leave. no one needs to explain to anyone why they left that group.

I have also dropped out of a support group. This one group I attended was supposed to be support based but the members were attempting to play at being therapists thats a dangerious thing to do and if something happens there I don't want to be in it. The group also spend 15 minutes every session reading the rules of the place. on any session there can be one to 50 rape survivors since it is open to the public for walk in waisting 15 minutes reading 3 pages of rules when there is only an hour per session doesn't leave alot of time. then they have a "round Robin" rule where they go around the room. everyone is given about 5 minutes to talk or not and then regardless of what is going on they went on to the next person. Thats not fair to those that don't want to talk and its not fair to those having a problem to have to rush themselves to get it all said and then ok your done were on to the next person - wait a minute wheres the resource information that can help, how does this help in handling the situation?. No not the type of group I wanted to be in. I went back one other time - to thank the group because they were referring people to me and my group that I put together based on a group I had been in years ago.

Thanks much, myself.
This is helpful.

You're welcome. Take care.

[(JD)]

IMO there is a big difference between being non confrontational and allowing others to attack you.. maybe I'm reading this wrong (it's happened )

No, you don't need to yell... this was a tough one for me to evaluate for my own self... having a hearing problem too, I have trouble regulating my voice level..and was raising it for that, plus I raised my voice to make a point...others took that offensively.

When something is said to you/about you... try taking a deep breath before replying...think first... pause... if they jump back in and don't let you speak, that makes them look like they are attacking you, and the rest in the group or T should notice...

speak slower than you want to...

also, group therapy is the place to use those "I" statements, because they don't really have an argument if you speak everything as to how it makes you feel, how you are thinking (rather than probably the way they are talking, YOU need to do this and why don't YOU just...)

There's a fine line between a group that appears to be wannabe therapists, and those offering support in an effort to help themselves, imo.
If you have choices, of groups, then do check around.. one group does not fit all (as myself suggests.)

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Junerain said:
In my lifetime I have been very non confrontational..meaning..never standed up to someone who is using me, while being yelled at I simply say'"I'm so so sorry I love you," instead of yelling back...and it's bizarre...I've found all of the times I was yelled at and I smily sweetly said I am so sorry I love you that doesnt stop the person from yelling at me, I've found the sweeter I am the more they yell at me. It's bizarre..you would think a sweet smile and comment wouls stop them but it didnt. Then they accuse of of thinking only of myself when I didnt say anything about myself just say how much I love them. People have walked all over me and i'm just pointing out a bizarre human falacy that if you are as non confrontational as I am you LOSE in this life.........

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Thanks for inviting me to let it all out. I sense that not even my individual therapist is listening to my concerns. She believes in just throwing me in there (the group), and that I should sink or swim. She's very handy with words and ends up convincing me that she's right. There are times when she doesn't listen to what I say and dismisses my concerns. A few times, she will clarify her point way after the fact. By that time, the damage is done. I have acted in way that is unproductive and a waste of my time. It happens that my individual therapist and the moderators all work in the counseling center of the University I attend to. Just this semester, numerous support groups have sprang up. Almost every therapist has formed a support group. I question this move. My therapist has advertised two support groups and has just gotten enough people for her "people who love too much." That means that she can't see me twice a week as she had been doing so far. Will she overextend her efforts by moderating two groups and helping people individually?
You're right, Junerain. I am scared of making people angry. I fear they wil attack me. I understand what you mean. I've been there myself. Gotta stop being a chamaleon.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
_Sky said:
IMO there is a big difference between being non confrontational and allowing others to attack you.. maybe I'm reading this wrong (it's happened )

No, you don't need to yell... this was a tough one for me to evaluate for my own self... having a hearing problem too, I have trouble regulating my voice level..and was raising it for that, plus I raised my voice to make a point...others took that offensively.

When something is said to you/about you... try taking a deep breath before replying...think first... pause... if they jump back in and don't let you speak, that makes them look like they are attacking you, and the rest in the group or T should notice...

speak slower than you want to...

also, group therapy is the place to use those "I" statements, because they don't really have an argument if you speak everything as to how it makes you feel, how you are thinking (rather than probably the way they are talking, YOU need to do this and why don't YOU just...)

There's a fine line between a group that appears to be wannabe therapists, and those offering support in an effort to help themselves, imo.
If you have choices, of groups, then do check around.. one group does not fit all (as myself suggests.)

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

So, leaving the group I attend to isn't a sign of an avoidant tendency?

[(JD)]

Only you (and a T?) can answer that... whether it is your custom to find a reason to avoid or not. But no one can progress in therapy if they feel they have to acquiesce to everyone else's confrontations. Perhaps, if that is the case, a person isn't ready for group therapy? "Ready" isn't the right word... for I do not care for group therapy at all, for myself... it isn't the way I progress.

And, thinking more, we all have avoidant tendencies, imo... no one wants to face hate, or illness, or bias... etc.. it's a self preservation response.

[Lexicon78]

I've been in the same kind of group therapy as you are experiencing. IMO, it isn't helpful for anyone at all. I had to drop out because it was too much for me.

Maybe confronting the T's there may help and tell them your concerns in front of the group. It sounds to me like that is the way it is done, nothing behind closed doors and everything in the group. Tell them you don't believe that they care or that they would protect you against any kind of attack.

Let it be known how this group therapy is affecting you and that you feel very unsafe.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Lexicon78 said:
I've been in the same kind of group therapy as you are experiencing. IMO, it isn't helpful for anyone at all. I had to drop out because it was too much for me.

Maybe confronting the T's there may help and tell them your concerns in front of the group. It sounds to me like that is the way it is done, nothing behind closed doors and everything in the group. Tell them you don't believe that they care or that they would protect you against any kind of attack.

Let it be known how this group therapy is affecting you and that you feel very unsafe.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I did. I let the group and the moderators know that I felt cast as the aggressor and that I didn't feel supported. Right after I said this, two members blamed me for the counselors' decision to ask Rebbeca to leave. One used the term "ambush" and the other used the word "spotlighting." So, I've decided to leave the group.