"parts" therapy

There are some Ts who like to work with the different parts of a person's personality in therapy, and this goes by a lot of different names: ego state therapy, parts therapy, inner child therapy, inner family systems therapy, etc. My T and I have done ego state therapy in the past, and it worked really well--some of my best memories of therapy. Last time at the end of the session, T wanted to dive very quickly into therapy with two of my "parts". We were super rushed and it didn't go well. I think it will help when we take more time.

I am wondering how working with other parts is for others here. How do you know what parts will participate? Do you identify them? Does your T? T wanted two of my parts to work with each other, and it was like whoa, I don't think I even have those two parts! I felt like one of the parts was just me. I guess I could call it a part, but really, it is closely identified with the main me, so it was hard to hear T call it a "part" (hey, that's me you're talking about T!). And the other part doesn't really exist, or if it does, I am not in touch with that part. Why would T suggest I had this part? Does he see something in me that I don't? Is everyone supposed to have a part like the one he suggested? There is something wrong with me because I don't have or know that part? I felt like he said let's let Parts A and B interact, and I only have A! When I think about it, there was another part there, Part C. But he didn't mention this one. He wants A and B, but that day I only had A and C. Shouldn't I be the one to identify my parts, not him? How can he know? When we did ego state therapy before, I always told him what parts there were. It seems very presumptive and directive of him to identify my parts for me. What we tried didn't work for me because it was inauthentic. I tried to pretend this Part B existed but it didn't. I think some of the difficulty was that we were so rushed so he just plunged in and identified parts. No time to tease out who there really was to work with. I don't know.

Anyway, I just wondered how it was for others who work with different parts of themselves in therapy. Is it you who identify what parts there are or does your T sometimes say to you, "let's work with Part X and Part Y." And if the latter, is there ever a mismatch with what parts T specifies and what parts really exist?

My T seems to be entirely holistic.

I may talk about "parts", but she never does. She doesn't even say "inner child".

My T only identifies the child and adult parts. I think it's a lot less confusing, since it's the child part that needs the most care at the moment.

We started doing parts therapy using IFS and we're also reading Jay Earley's Self-Therapy. I really, really like it because it goes beyond Manichean categories of adult/child where adult is good and child is bad. On Friday we looked at procrastinating part and why she procrastinates, which parts she is protecting (perfectionist is one of them). This type of therapy helps me to not just say, oh it's the child, but ask why I/the child is acting and thinking in a certain way.

As far as a mismatch between what parts exist, I haven't so much encountered that (though we're at the beginning). sometimes she'll say this seems like an X or Y part and I'll think, it's more like Y. But knowing me so well, she also is able to see things that I can't see or have repressed.

My T has "discovered" a couple different parts- a caretaker part and a more vulnerable part etc, in the method of inner family systems therapy. She never actually talks to them, but she does talk about them. I made it pretty clear at first that this concept makes me uncomfortable, but over time it has just become a convenient handle to address different thought processes. I think she's kind of met me halfway on it and doesn't press the issue.

I'm glad you brought this up. I'm interested to hear what other people have to say about it.

One of my friends is very well versed in IFS and has taught me a whole lot. I've been able to identify several parts. I have a vulnerable part, a resilient part (that often counters my inner critic), a manager part...still working on learning more. I have found this is about listening to your feelings and recognizing where there are conflicts. I have been able to find some balance now between 2 parts that were polarized. This has been HUGE for me. There have been times when my vulnerable one was feeling very wounded and I was able to soothe her with another part. It's a great way to become more self-aware and practice self-compassion while learning self-care.

You know already that I do IFS with my T even though she likes EMDR better. She often tells me "that's not YOU, that's another part" when I bring up a part. For example, recently when I said I had a "bad part" who I was ashamed of, she asked me who said the part is bad, or something like that. I said " I do, or all of me; my Self, thinks that part is bad". T replied, "No, its another part who thinks that way". She said that my Self accepts all of my parts, and does not think any of them are bad.

My T has always worked with 1 part at a time, not 2 at once. I'm not sure who brings them up, her or me. Probably I do most of the time. Often the parts are blended; that's the word she uses. I don't know there's another part involved, but my T does, as in my example above. I think it's all "ME" but my T says "it's just a PART of you".

I'm not sure if this helps you or not. I think you need to tell your T that you could not identify a part B and see what he says. Tell him he went too fast and presumed too much. It could be that there is a part that is so blended you don't see it! IFS Ts are very good at identifying parts!

Good luck in your session. I'm sure it will go better after you explain how you felt. Maybe print this thread for him?

My T does not do this, but it sure sounds interesting!

Check out the book I listed above: Jeff Earley, Self-Therapy. I find it quite informative and well done.

I really like hearing how other people have done parts therapy. Thank you. Several years ago, T and I worked with younger ego states of myself, at several different ages, and then there was a rather prominent adult male ego state who dominated for a while. He was a protector.

One of the parts (A) from last week in session was a vulnerable, scared part. She wasn't organized around a particular age but around certain feelings, so she spanned my life. I felt like A wasn't an ego state but was me, or closely intertwined with me. The other part (B) was one I couldn't find. T wanted this part to help Part A. But since I couldn't find B, this couldn't happen. Then he had me try having A help B, and this was a little easier, but still, I felt B really didn't exist. I want to know why T thinks there is a B. Part C is one I want to tell T about next time. This part was definitely there, but T didn't identify C as one we would work with. I think we will get more mileage if we work with A and C. And I want T to tell me why he thinks there is a B. If that makes sense!

Thank you. This is very helpful. Maybe this is what is going on. I do think my T knows me well. Thanks also for the book recommendation.

That is very interesting, as my T hasn't discovered any of my parts. Until now, I have told him about different parts, as they came forward and were there with us. I have been the discoverer? And shared the discoveries with my T. But maybe my T talking about a part B is a suggestion that part may exist? Do you worry that a T discovering your parts for you is kind of like putting ideas in your head? That you end up working with parts that are your T's creation rather than ones that actually exist? I like to think I wouldn't create ego states in response to T's suggestions...

Yes, maybe T telling me there is a part B is his way of saying, "I wish you would think like this, instead of the way you are thinking"?

According to my T and IFS, the scared, vulnerable part is just a PART, not all of you. Not your Self. You're not always scared and vulnerable! B is probably a stronger part who CAN help A, the scared, vulnerable part. I don't understand why he then switched it to A helping B. You're right. You just have to ask your T to clarify what he meant, especially who he sees as part B.

My T first identified a part for me. It was such a relief because I always felt that these parts were distinct and separate from me. I was concerned that my T would just tell me that the parts and I are one. Maybe, except they do not get along and it causes conflict within me. I need to be able to talk about them independently for the time being. I have remained true to the parts and will tell my T if she gets something wrong about the parts. I think that it is important to keep authenticity when dealing with parts otherwise, they get buried and we are no further ahead. You may want to ask your T what he is seeing that you are not. It may be that the part is hidden from you but not necessarily from him. Your T may experience your parts differently so he may be more aware when they are present. Or, he could just have it wrong at that moment. This is tricky because we need help with our parts but we also want to please our Ts. I have told my T that I do not want to "create" the part when she wants to address them. I have to wait until they are there on their own. She understands and appreciates that I know the difference.

there was no way for me to be able to "call out" alters of my choice or when, and I had very little co consciousness so there was no way for me to know when an alter was going to pop out. my therapist just worked with them when ever they were out kind of deal.

example our sessions started with getting our coffees and sitting down and talking. sometimes I brought in something to show my therapist and things to talk about with my therapist sometimes I didnt. just like my therapist does with her other clients she works on what ever the client needs and goals are. So if I happened to switch into an alter during our sessions she would ask (like she would any other client) what they would like to talk about or do with her that day. and then go from there. sometimes we would talk with her, sometimes we would do things like coloring, drawing, painting, mosaics, snowflakes, valentines, (otherwise known as art therapy), sometimes we would listen to music and talk about music (music therapy) sometimes we talked about our dreams,fears and memories (trauma therapy), sometimes we did visualizations (inner child therapy).... over all my therapist just did the same things she would for my alters that she would do for me (the host/core) or any of her other clients.

why would your T suggest you have parts? I dont know about your T but all the Therapists around here believe everyone has parts of their self.. Some places call these parts the "roles you play throughout your daily life"

example if you enjoy participating in sports its said thats your competitive side (the competative part of you) if you are married the times you spend with your husband and the things you do for your husband its said thats your wife side of you (the wife part of you) if you enjoy jokes and pulling pranks on people its said thats the humorous side of you (the humorous part of you) if you have children the bond you have with your children and the things you do for your children is said to be the mothering side of you (the mothering part of you)

Everyone has different "sides" (parts) to them that naturally are there. to get in touch with them just pay attention to the kind of person you are, your moods, and what defines who you are in relation to others around you.

Some therapists do tell their clients that they have this side (part) of their self or another, others dont. some tell their clients as a way to get them to begin thinking about their self, their goals, their views about their self, others tell their clients what sides (parts) of their self they have because at that moment the client knowing is of more benefit to the client than harm, some dont tell their clients because they want their clients to discover their self on their own, some dont because they dont want the client just saying what ever they think the therapist wants them to say...

gosh theres so many different reasons why a therapist will or wont discuss a clients internal system, naturally occuring or otherwise. you will need to ask your therapist why he told you and whether its wrong for them to do so for you.

me sometimes my therapist told me other times I discovered the parts/sides of me on my own. no I never had any parts/sides of me that I either rpretended or didnt really exist. come to think of it I dont think I ever faked anything to do with health to please anyone just because they say it. Im usually the one that is saying nope thats not me, thats not how I am. and never tried to live up to how people said I had to be. sometimes i think my being a lesbian was a driving force for me. where all my friends were trying to compete with each other and be the same as each other I always knew I was different and never tried to be like them.when a friend told me doesnt so and so look great. I said I think you think he's cute and my friends would laugh and say the right one will come along for you too, your just slow or something. and Id say yea something like that. no body ever expected me to compete or be like them, that kind of thing just wasnt done where Im from. everyone was able to be their self. sometimes I miss the simplistic life of the mountains. friends accepted you, you knew who your enemies were and doctors treated the symptoms not make you feel like you need to fake something to fit in with what they want. ok Ill stop rambling now lol.

I know the scared part is not all that I am and T knows this too. I didn't mean that my Self was never not scared. Just like my self is never always happy or always anything. I just meant that being scared is very much part of who my Self is. Not sure if that makes it clearer or not. Probably like mud. He switched to A helping B because B helping A was a bust. There was no B there so it was all pretend if I tried to have B help A. I couldn't proceed with that inauthenticity. The whole thing would be a farce if I was imagining new ego states just to try to please T. So I think he tried to find B by reversing things and having A help. That was a little easier because I could find A. But still not right. But it all happened very quickly at the very end of my session. I think it would have gone better if not so rushed. I do have this Part C, who was definitely there, and is quite strong. But not nice to Part A. It would be hard to have C help because C is not helpful in the nice, comforting way that T seemed to be envisioning. I think we just have to work with the parts that show up and work within their limitations.

I am working in EMDR, and she talks about parts of myself all the time. I get that everyone has parts of self, but recently she was trying to have two parts "work together," to figure out their needs. I find it highly uncomfortable, having conversations with them or figuring out what they need. Another thing she does is ask me where in my body do i feel sOmething, and i NEVER know. The only thing i know how i feel "in my body" is anxiety. Probably because i get nervous about a lot of things.

For example: my T was asking me how i felt when i was on the

Phone w my mom-when it got tense. I was like "uhhh i dont know" she then asked me to think of a time with her where my emotions were stirred up, and i did. Then she asked me what i felt in my body. Nothing? It felt the same to me.

So my T said we need to work on creating more body awareness, because your body stores emotions, and by realizing what my body says when i feel X emotion will help me know what my feelings are. This is homework. I need to write down at the end of my day how my body felt throughout the day. Ummm..this has proved impossible so far.

Does anybody agree with this? Im not so sure i do.

I don't know about this, it seems kind of out of line that your T would tell you how to think. For me, it is more just a way of examining my protective coping mechanisms. For most of my life, I haven't even noticed how I have protected myself, I just did it. Bringning my attention to thought patterns (not necessarily unhealthy ones) is a way of strenghthening the whole. In IFS, as mentioned above, you have a true "self" underneath all the parts. That doesn't make the parts bad- they're necessary- but recognizing them as not your core is kind of liberating.

Velcro, the first time my T asked me, "So, what are you feeling in your body as we talk about this". I had NO IDEA what she meant. Over time, I have learned to notice my breathing becoming shallow, my jaw getting tight, my hands clenching. As a medical provider, I can see these are a result of stress-related hormones. As time has gone on, I have started noticing very subtle physical reactions and these have alerted me to the fact that the situation I am in may be becoming uncomfortable. Early recognition can help to deal with stress.

In theory, anyway.

Not to hijack, but velcro, I don't like when my T always asks me where in my body I feel something! Most of the time it's a "private place" so now she knows that! Sometimes I say "all over". I hate that question but I'm getting used to it. IFS and EMDR Ts are big on "body stuff".

I have a lot more parts than that. And unfortunately, my different adult parts need care too. I wonder if I am the only one with a needy adult?

Thinking about this so much and reading the posts have helped me identify that there is a conflict--between parts A and C. This has really been helpful.

This is exactly what I am feeling. Thank you for putting it into words and providing your wisdom. I am going to save this to help me when I forget. I have a very hard time with inauthenticity so I wouldn't be capable of doing this anyway, I think (creating parts to satisfy T). I think if we had had more time, T would have asked me about my parts--who is available, do I have such and such a part?--instead of diving in so quickly and telling me what 2 parts were there. I look forward to spending more time on this in therapy.

Not at all! My adult is needy because she didn't get what she needed as a child--attention and also learning about healthy interactions/relationships. So now as an adult, other people (particularly my T) teach the adult about how to have healthy relationships. This needy part wants to learn and know such info, so it's needy toward other people in this way. Does this make sense?

No, I think you misunderstood. What I meant was why would T suggest I had that specific part (Part B)? T and I know I have parts. We all have parts. Plus, T and I have done ego state therapy before so we have worked with several specific ego states. I'm just wondering why he thought I had that specific ego state--part B. As some have suggested here, maybe he is seeing things in me I don't. I definitely want to ask him about that. Maybe I do have that part but just couldn't access it at the time. Thanks for sharing your experience.

Thanks for that. I feel that way too. Knowing my T, I don't think he would want me to pretend or be inauthentic. That makes me think he either sees something in me I am not aware of or that he may think all people have this particular type of part. So maybe I'm aberrant for not having it. Wouldn't be the first time.