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  #1  
Old Feb 13, 2012, 04:58 PM
Anonymous100300
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Sometimes I feel like I'm just a mirror... like I don't know who I am but that I only reflect back the behavior of other people or the behavior that is praised by other people.

Its like I'm still a little kid.... I was always praised for my grades so I became the "smart" girl. Even though I had other things I like better but where not as well "received" by my family. So much of how I feel about myself is based on how other people treat me.

I find I even do that with my T. Its like I've never let therapy be about me. I've always had to think how will he respond to this or what does he think. If he even remotely told me what he thinks about something before hand than I won't go against it... even if on first hearing I think its totally a wrong interpretation... And If I find that T. rewards certain behavior like keeping things light and using humor...with smiles and lots of personal discussion...then that is how I will behave....

Only thing is that I don't ever get to the hard stuff. My perception is that my T. doesn't want to hear it, doesn't know what to do with it and doesn't care if I share it... because what i see from him...is silence, distance and coolness when i tried...

I hate that I can't make things be only about me. I'm so codependent. If i go to another T. I will know to say... I need someone who is going to call me on my stuff... who's not going to let me "dump and run"...i need someone who is going to model sharing deep issues and hard emotions and who is going to encourage me and give positive praise for that... at least if I can't change the mirror reflective behaviour I can use it to my advantage in therapy...

Does anyone else have the whole mirror/reflective behaviour issue and what were you able to do to get past it?
Thanks for this!
FourRedheads

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  #2  
Old Feb 13, 2012, 05:34 PM
Anonymous32716
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Originally Posted by Readytostop View Post
I find I even do that with my T. Its like I've never let therapy be about me. I've always had to think how will he respond to this or what does he think. If he even remotely told me what he thinks about something before hand than I won't go against it... even if on first hearing I think its totally a wrong interpretation... And If I find that T. rewards certain behavior like keeping things light and using humor...with smiles and lots of personal discussion...then that is how I will behave....

Only thing is that I don't ever get to the hard stuff. My perception is that my T. doesn't want to hear it, doesn't know what to do with it and doesn't care if I share it... because what i see from him...is silence, distance and coolness when i tried...
THIS is such an important thing. This is where the therapy relationship can be SO helpful and SO healing. Sometimes I see myself in patterns of behavior with T and it helps me realize that those behaviors are affecting my real life relationships...and if I can work through them with T, it helps so much outside of the therapy room.

Have you told this T the things that you would tell a new T? The list at the end of your post of what you need in a therapist? I wonder how he would respond?

And to answer your question...yes, I'm super co-dependent and a people pleaser. I'm trying SO HARD to unlearn that - to find out who I am and to be that person. It's not easy, is it?
  #3  
Old Feb 13, 2012, 06:11 PM
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nannypat nannypat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Readytostop View Post
Sometimes I feel like I'm just a mirror... like I don't know who I am but that I only reflect back the behavior of other people or the behavior that is praised by other people.

Its like I'm still a little kid.... I was always praised for my grades so I became the "smart" girl. Even though I had other things I like better but where not as well "received" by my family. So much of how I feel about myself is based on how other people treat me.

I find I even do that with my T. Its like I've never let therapy be about me. I've always had to think how will he respond to this or what does he think. If he even remotely told me what he thinks about something before hand than I won't go against it... even if on first hearing I think its totally a wrong interpretation... And If I find that T. rewards certain behavior like keeping things light and using humor...with smiles and lots of personal discussion...then that is how I will behave....

Only thing is that I don't ever get to the hard stuff. My perception is that my T. doesn't want to hear it, doesn't know what to do with it and doesn't care if I share it... because what i see from him...is silence, distance and coolness when i tried...

I hate that I can't make things be only about me. I'm so codependent. If i go to another T. I will know to say... I need someone who is going to call me on my stuff... who's not going to let me "dump and run"...i need someone who is going to model sharing deep issues and hard emotions and who is going to encourage me and give positive praise for that... at least if I can't change the mirror reflective behaviour I can use it to my advantage in therapy...

Does anyone else have the whole mirror/reflective behaviour issue and what were you able to do to get past it?
Yes, oh yes. I was forced to change Ts after 20 yrs because of a licensing issue for him but it has worked out for the best because I needed that T to like me accept me and I guess in his own way, love me. I said what he wanted to hear. I couldn't say "no, you got it wrong" or "you misunderstood".
When I switched I talked about this with my new T and am trying very hard to be real and forthright. It isn't easy. That need to be okay in his eyes is still hard but I think I no longer need him to love me. I need him to help me learn to love myself as I discover who I am.
  #4  
Old Feb 13, 2012, 06:12 PM
Anonymous59893
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Readytostop View Post
Sometimes I feel like I'm just a mirror... like I don't know who I am but that I only reflect back the behavior of other people or the behavior that is praised by other people.

Its like I'm still a little kid.... I was always praised for my grades so I became the "smart" girl. Even though I had other things I like better but where not as well "received" by my family. So much of how I feel about myself is based on how other people treat me.

I find I even do that with my T. Its like I've never let therapy be about me. I've always had to think how will he respond to this or what does he think. If he even remotely told me what he thinks about something before hand than I won't go against it... even if on first hearing I think its totally a wrong interpretation... And If I find that T. rewards certain behavior like keeping things light and using humor...with smiles and lots of personal discussion...then that is how I will behave....
Hi Readytostop, yes I do this too. I think 'reflective mirror' is actually a really good analogy and I may use it in T this week (providing he wants to talk about this that is!) I definitely feel 'rewarded' for being all light and jokey by him laughing along with me and having intellectual discussions about mental health problems (it's something I'm interested in professionally). It makes me think he likes me, even though I know we will never be friends/colleagues, and it's really important (emotionally) that everyone likes me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Readytostop View Post
Only thing is that I don't ever get to the hard stuff. My perception is that my T. doesn't want to hear it, doesn't know what to do with it and doesn't care if I share it... because what i see from him...is silence, distance and coolness when i tried...
This is a problem. I realised I had fallen into my pattern of people pleasing with new T and that I had to put a stop to it otherwise I'm wasting my/his time (and NHS resources). I made myself a promise that I was going to be more honest with him. I'm trying to tell myself that I'm just really convincing (I mean, I convince EVERYONE around me that everything's fine inc. other Ts and Pdocs, so why not him, when he doesn't know me very well yet?!), rather than T is not interested. I've told him that I have this pattern and so hopefully he will be on the lookout now, which will also be combined with my trying hard to be authentic so... *fingers crossed*

Quote:
Originally Posted by Readytostop View Post
If i go to another T. I will know to say... I need someone who is going to call me on my stuff... who's not going to let me "dump and run"...i need someone who is going to model sharing deep issues and hard emotions and who is going to encourage me and give positive praise for that... at least if I can't change the mirror reflective behaviour I can use it to my advantage in therapy...
Do you need to change T to address this?? I didn't - I'm working on this with current T and I'm hopeful that we can get to the bottom of it. The temptation will be to just dive in with this pattern with any subsequent T, as I did. Perhaps you should bring it up with this T, inc. how you perceive his behaviour when you *do* bring stuff up, and see if you can both work with it - if not, then look for a new T?

All the best,

*Willow*
  #5  
Old Feb 13, 2012, 08:27 PM
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Sannah Sannah is offline
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Good insight!! The first step in solving an issue is identifying it. The second is exploring it fully. Keep working.
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  #6  
Old Feb 13, 2012, 09:40 PM
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CantExplain CantExplain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Readytostop View Post
Only thing is that I don't ever get to the hard stuff. My perception is that my T. doesn't want to hear it, doesn't know what to do with it and doesn't care if I share it... because what i see from him...is silence, distance and coolness when i tried...
That's sure to poison your therapeutic relationship.
It's T's job to win your trust, and if he doesn't, he's not the T for you.
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  #7  
Old Feb 14, 2012, 01:05 PM
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sunrise sunrise is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Readytostop View Post
I find I even do that with my T. Its like I've never let therapy be about me. I've always had to think how will he respond to this or what does he think. If he even remotely told me what he thinks about something before hand than I won't go against it... even if on first hearing I think its totally a wrong interpretation... And If I find that T. rewards certain behavior like keeping things light and using humor...with smiles and lots of personal discussion...then that is how I will behave....

Only thing is that I don't ever get to the hard stuff. My perception is that my T. doesn't want to hear it, doesn't know what to do with it and doesn't care if I share it... because what i see from him...is silence, distance and coolness when i tried...

I hate that I can't make things be only about me. I'm so codependent. If i go to another T. I will know to say... I need someone who is going to call me on my stuff... who's not going to let me "dump and run"...i need someone who is going to model sharing deep issues and hard emotions and who is going to encourage me and give positive praise for that... at least if I can't change the mirror reflective behaviour I can use it to my advantage in therapy...

Does anyone else have the whole mirror/reflective behaviour issue and what were you able to do to get past it?
This is all so important to tell your T. If you haven't told your T, then it is not making use of therapy to solve your problems, and I wonder why, because you truly do sound motivated to change. You want to terminate now. If you tell him these things, what is the worst that can happen? He will respond poorly? And then you can still terminate. But perhaps getting all of these thoughts out on the table will help your therapy relationship be stronger and will help you start to break out of this pattern you have recognized in yourself. I am not sure going to a new T is going to help any more than working on these important issues with your current T would. Maybe it would... But have you given the current therapy a chance by telling T all the stuff you wrote above? I think this guy should hear that you think his using humor is a way to avoid going deep with you. And the rest.
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  #8  
Old Feb 14, 2012, 01:22 PM
Anonymous100300
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This is all so important to tell your T. If you haven't told your T, then it is not making use of therapy to solve your problems, and I wonder why, because you truly do sound motivated to change. You want to terminate now. If you tell him these things, what is the worst that can happen? He will respond poorly? And then you can still terminate. But perhaps getting all of these thoughts out on the table will help your therapy relationship be stronger and will help you start to break out of this pattern you have recognized in yourself. I am not sure going to a new T is going to help any more than working on these important issues with your current T would. Maybe it would... But have you given the current therapy a chance by telling T all the stuff you wrote above? I think this guy should hear that you think his using humor is a way to avoid going deep with you. And the rest.
Thanks so much Sunrise. I stayed up til 2 in the morning composing an email that told everything I wrote on PC about the whole analogy of the maze and all the stuff about the reflective mirror stuff... I knew it was a risk to be honest with him.... I knew it would probably take away the good feelings that I had from my last session...

This is his reply
There are several reasons to meet to discuss possible termination. While I won’t discuss issues specific to your case, I have included a link that I think does a fair job in discussing the process of ending therapy. I hope the article helps. I will hold the appointment for you until tomorrow. Take care.

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archive...-psychotherapy

It was formal and cold... and now I am a case.

(although he has always said he won't do therapy via email but that I could email him because he knows it helps me process...but usually he says something positive )
  #9  
Old Feb 14, 2012, 02:51 PM
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Chopin99 Chopin99 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Readytostop View Post
Only thing is that I don't ever get to the hard stuff. My perception is that my T. doesn't want to hear it, doesn't know what to do with it and doesn't care if I share it... because what i see from him...is silence, distance and coolness when i tried...


This statement greatly bothers me. The whole point of therapy is to work on the hard issues!

My husband, while not a people pleaser, has the same ability to mimic the personalities of others. He calls it being a "social chameleon" and helps him get along with others very well. However, he has a very well defined sense of self.

I have the same ability, but I use it to please people. I have very little sense of self. I realize people of influence in my childhood didn't allow me to have a sense of self. My parents didn't reward individuality, my parochial school definitely did not promote a sense of individuality, my church did not look favorably upon individuality...so I learned to have several to please others. The only people in my life who have allowed me to be the "only me I know" is my H, my maternal grandparents, a couple of friends, and the 3 T's I've seen.

The conclusion I am coming to in my therapy process is that I have to process, mourn, and let go of the past. Through that process, I will develop a truer, separate sense of self.
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Thanks for this!
FourRedheads
  #10  
Old Feb 14, 2012, 06:53 PM
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Sannah Sannah is offline
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Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........

I'm an ISFJ
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