Good? Session, feel like crap after. Attachment..idk.

I don't know why I feel like this, but in my session I feel like we're working good. Getting T work done. Kinda feel like its wrapped up good.

Then....car ride home. My head is spinning, words that were exchanged in therapy are floating in my head so loud.. Kinda feel like crying...but I can't! && I have a few days to be like this till next time! I HATE IT

This session is weird. I told him last week I walked out feeling 'whole' like I got something outta that session I haven't before. He said good, he wants me to be getting stuff out of our sessions, but he doesn't know if every session can be like that. I said that's ok..

I joked around that I'm getting an 'attachment disorder' w/ him. As in I countdown the days till I see him again. He seemed...hmmmm worried I think? Idk his eyes got bigger. I think concerned actually.

He asked if I had anymore dreams about him & I said no (& I really haven't) he asked I feel a connection to him and I was so taken aback by his question I kinda just superficially anwsered 'yeah' I don't know where he was going with this. He seemed concerned. I don't know if he thinks I'm getting too attached...
I feel like I should have kept my mouth shut.

No I'm waiting in my car & I wrote him ANOTHER email! Another damn email!! It's been less than one hour! If he didn't think I had a problem before, he surely will now.

I don't know why I do this to myself. Honestly I just wanna quit. This is getting too much for me. T tries to get me to open up, get connected, then you do and it's some big taboo? Great and even better I have to sit with this **** all weekend.

I'm sure some of u are curious my email so here it is. I don't know if he's even gonna respond. Usually I send him angry emails, lol. Fml.fml.fml.
fml!!!!

K hope u don't think this is 'psycho' since we just got done w/ my sesh. *My heads kinda spinning & I just need u to hear me out..hopefully I'll feel better.
Anyway I wanted to clear up some stuff. I hope u don't think I have some sort of attachment disorder or whatever with u. *I said it jokingly but yeah I do sometimes countdown the days....is that bad? *The look on ur face seemed concerned? Idk scared kinda. I mean i see u 2x a week how can I not think bout it. *Yeah im excited to go lol. Its the only place i can show up good, bad, suicidal, so hyper & it stays the same. Where else can i do thAt?? Anyways idk if that's a problem cause aren't therapists scared of their clients becoming too attached or whatever? (not that that's me)
& u asked if I felt a connection to u. I do, at first like a superficial one but the last few sessions more cause I think I'm seeing you do maybe care bout me as a client and ur telling me a lil bout ur life is helping me like whoa he does trust me to say some things (or maybe u tell every patient who knows) & whatever else ur doing is helping so yeah I feel more 'connected' or 'attached' than earlier but it's not obsessive or anything near that if that's what ur worried bout. I'll just quit if I felt like that so don't worry I'm not gonna get all stalker on u. *To be honest tho, now that I'm feeling more of a connection with u I'm fighting it. I don't wanna feel close to you cause I'm pretty sure I'm gonna get hurt by u in some way. N by that like u getting a 'cold' w/ me or the dreaded termination letter or idk somethig else. So I don't wanna have that close connection that I read about-that scares the **** outta me.*
After I said that thing about attachment u seemed very worried? I was just being honest but right then I felt like I shoulda kept my mouth shut. Idk this is all so confusing. See I even cried on the way home. U wouldn't have guessed that huh?! Well i don't know...maybe I should not entertain any thoughts of therapy that float in my mind in between sessions, n if I do have another dream of u in it (which I haven't thank god) not even say ****, or idk maybe just fuken quit therapy.*
Like the little bit I let on I feel a connection to my therapist or whatever its like u freak out w/ facial expressions?*
Idk. Idk what to do anymore.*
Sorry for long email after our session. Feel free to bill my insurance for you wasting ur time reading this.*

Thanks,

I think its great you sent an email right after session. I think you being able to talk about how you felt telling him the attachment stuff and how you thought he reacted is very good therapy stuff and really important. I would just try to distract yourself so you dont' drive yourself crazy till next session....

Just so you don't feel alone.. I had serious issues trusting my T. and I hated the feeling of connection. Alarms would go off in my head....like danger ..danger but it won't always feel like that .

You can work through those feelings with your T.

Thank you do much readytostop .
Ok well it defitnely feels good to know I'm not the only one! When you felt like that with your T how long did it take you to stop 'fighting' the connection?

Yes. I am going to need a LOT of distractions this weekend!

This!

I know how you feel. Lately I can't seem to wait even a day or two after session without feeling absolutely compelled to write an email to T, typically spilling out all my 'post-session' analysis and thoughts. Sometimes dreams, (3 of which have featured T, in as many weeks, and she knows this ) sometimes just miscellaneous nonsense. Anything just to try and feel that connection.

I know I have opened up a LOT more to T in recent weeks, and she has encouraged the use of email in this process... I feel like we've got closer, and so I've been more honest with her about EVERYTHING, including feeling attached etc... but now she doesn't seem to reply to my emails as quickly/at all and last session when I mentioned I spent a few days feeling lonely and disconnected from everyone she simply said "but you survived." So, after her encouraging me to take that 'leap of faith' and 'trust' and 'open up' and not 'block/shut [her] out' -- I let her in, really let her in -- and now I feel like I'm getting signals like 'whoa, hold on', 'I'm not your new mum' and 'you can survive without constantly reaching out to me, back off!' So I feel like I'm trying to learn how to tread a line: not going back to being 'emotionally distant' and 'closed off', without becoming all clingy and dependent either. Being connected without being attached, I guess. If such a thing is possible.

Where to DRAW that line, though? I'm wobbling all over the place, because this is so new to me - I haven't let anyone get so close before. The line has always been at arm's length! Now I don't know where to put it.

Just wanted to say 'I hear you'

I don't think there's anything wrong with emailing your T about your feelings. Who cares if it was right after session? He has apparently given you permission to email and you are exercising that right. I think you're giving him good information to work with. I think it's funny sometimes that some T's want us to open up, open up, open up...then when we do, they're taken aback.

I know how agonizing it can be when T won't answer an email. I just keep remembering over and over again that she my best interests at heart and while she sends short replies sometimes, she can't do therapy via email.

I sense a lot of pain and confusion in these posts and I send lots of hugs to everyone.

I too struggled with attachment/dependency issues. My T and I have just spent the last 8 sessions clarifying our relationship, and what we mean to each other within the boundaries of the therapist/client relationship. I actually told him I loved him, as one human being to another who has saved my life countless times - he didn't even blink, or act as if it was inappropriate. In another session, he told me "I care about you" and "I respect you". The security of our relationship, knowing that he is there for me if I need him, has enabled me to move him out of a central role in my life, and into the periphery where he belongs.

I would have a real problem with a T who kept pushing to open up, then backed off when I did. I think that would really shut me down big time.

Have you done any reading about attachment styles? What you describe, and what you write in your email, sound like characteristics of a preoccupied/insecure attachment. (I'm the say way with my T, btw.) It's been helpful for me to learn a little more about attachment so that I have some context for the way I act with my T and other people in my life. Not that intellectual understanding is the end all be all, obviously, but sometimes it can help to shed some light on things.

Soooo I got a response from him. I can tell he wrote it quick in between patients (which is fine) I'm glad he got what I wrote but I still feel the same way but I guess we now have our next session topic.

**********T wrote:***************
Thanks for the feedback. It's good that you are feeling more comfortable with me. that's what it's all about. Try not to over-think my expressions. half the time I don't know what my face is doing :-)) Don't quit therapy OK. See you next week. P.S. email me whenever you want.
************************************************

I will read up on therapy attachment styles. I guess I feel so crazy about this cause I need to 'understand' somewhat what is happening here. Plus the fact that I over analyze everything to death doesn't help.

I'm glad I'm not the only one though. It just seems its either A or B. you come out how attached you really are to your therapist and they embrace it and you both move forward with a new understanding OR it's T gets flipped out and it goes all bad.

I guess from email it wasn't all bad. I'm super anxious for my next session though....5 days 5 days 5 days!!!!!