needed to tell someone...didn't tell t

So a lot has happened this week and I’m just having a hard time coping and figuring stuff out. I figured seeing my T today would help, but it didn't I once again I got into an argument with my T (aka her talking to me calmly and me getting really frustrated with what she was telling me). I’ve had issues with my best friend lately. She disappeared when I got diagnosed with BPII and I figured she had a lot on her plate and just needed space for awhile. My T said that was ok if I wanted to look at it like that for a bit and has always asked me whats going on with her because it changes every week. She has also suggested many times before that I cut my best friend out of my life for good. Well this week my best friend texted me saying she missed me which got my hopes up. I responded and never heard back. This has been going on for months and when I told my T what happened this week, she once again suggested taking a break and walking away. Basically my best friend has been toying with me and throwing me on an emotional rollercoaster for the past few months, which just adds to the BP. I recognize that and yet I can’t walk away because she is pretty much the only person I have let in. She taught me to trust and now that she walked away I feel like I can’t let people in anymore. Every time she does this to me, I go through some type of emotional spiral. This time wasn’t so bad cuz as bad as it sounds, I’m getting used to being treated like this and I expect it from her.

Besides that, I started my first real job this week. I’m fresh out of college and have no experience, but this company threw me right in without training. I became very frustrated very quickly and came home crying almost every day. All week I’ve felt worthless and like a complete failure. I told my T that and she said she expected it cuz everyone feels like that with their first job. She told me I need to work on self confidence, which is diminished cuz my dad is really hard on me and I have a bunch of other stuff working against me.

What I didn’t tell my T, but I wish I had is that I have been having a lot of suicidal and SI thoughts this week. I’m not really depressed, just overwhelmed, anxious, and just want all these feelings and pain to go away. Usually I’m ok, but then out of nowhere I want everything to be over. I want to curl up and cry and hide until it passes. I know this isn’t normal, but I got so frustrated with my T today that I didn’t want to let her in like that. I don’t see her until Thursday, so I can’t talk to her until then. I don’t really call her cuz she isn’t very good about calling back and once again I don’t want to let her in like that. I know that seems dumb, but I’m scared and feel pathetic and like I have no reason to feel like this. I just feel stupid and overwhelmed at my job and I feel like I screwed up the one good relationship I had. I feel like no one gets that. The best way to explain my best friends relationship and mine is we are sisters or that we are pretty much like Winnie the Pooh and Piglet. That’s what she always called us because we were so close and now we are nothing and everyone tells me to give up and part of me wants to, but if there is a chance to have my best friend back I don’t want to miss it.

I guess I’m just a little lost and scared since my mind keeps going back to suicidal thoughts or SI. I’ve been really good about not hurting myself and no smoking or drugs and very little drinking. I’ve been on a good path and now I just think I’m gonna screw it all up. I don’t really know what else to say. I guess I just needed to get some of it off my chest since I don’t really have anyone to talk to.

Sorry that you are going through this!!

Lots of people don't keep the same friends that they had when they were young---in school we kind of form friendships partly out of convenience because we are all thrown in together!! So whether your BF situation works out or not, don't beat up on yourself!! It happens. You will make more friends!!!

Your T probably just wants to protect you. Your friend may be acting nasty or she could be confused about her own feelings.

First jobs can suck!!! They never tell the new people everything they need to know. Everyone gets so wrapped up in their own jobs they forget what it must be like to be new. Hang in there!!!!

(((jaxter)))

I can completely relate - both being overwhelmed at your first real job and dealing with the emotional friendship roller coaster. I've been through both, and continue to ride the roller coaster at times with my best friend too.

First, this stood out to me:
The past two weeks have been particularly challenging for me, and during the day while at work, I'm fine. All goes along and while I'm tired and a bit depressed, I can make it through the day. Then I get home, and all of a sudden I find myself curled up in the corner of my couch bawling my eyes out! It really used to frustrate me, a LOT. It's as if my brain loses control and my heart takes over and the emotions I've been hiding from escape.

What my T said is that this is actually more normal than we think! I don't know about you, but I've always been good at hiding all my emotions - good and bad - and stuffing them down, so I can show everyone "I'm fine" at all times. Every once in a while, the shell cracks, and my real emotions escape, and I'm not fine at the moment, but (and this is key) once the emotions pass, I will be fine again. There's a great slogan floating around many different groups: This too shall pass. The good, the bad, the happy, the frustrating, all will pass, nothing lasts forever.

I guess what I'm saying is don't be so hard on yourself when you find yourself curled up and crying. Let it happen, let it out, and then move forward. I tend to try and journal when that happens so I can bring it to T if I need to that way we can look for a pattern of triggers or see if it's just randomly happening (I've learned that when I'm over tired or highly stressed I cry more easily. And a new job is very stressful (heck, I've been in my job for 8 years and I still have high-stress times every year where I fall apart!)

As for the friend... it is soooo hard! On the one hand I just want to ditch her and be done with it. On the other hand, I love her too much to let her go without a fight. What my T has helped me do is set some boundaries with her. This way, I'm not as emotionally drained when she cancels or doesn't respond or disappears again. I had to change my expectations of our friendship over the last three months. I learned that my friend can not say no to me, but then she ends up cancelling at the last second instead of being honest from the start and saying "sorry, I can't get together then, but let's do something in a few weeks when things settle down."

Now, whenever we make plans and she doesn't call or text back, I don't let it upset my whole day - I go about my day and look at the time I do get with her to be great, and when she flakes out, oh well. I don't know if that makes any sense? I used to be crushed when she cancelled or disappeared and it would ruin my whole week. Now, I hold the boundaries - Last week we were supposed to get dinner (her suggestion,) but she never confirmed. Then, when it was like an hour before we were supposed to meet, she called to see where we were meeting, and I told her that since I hadn't heard back from her, I made other plans, but she was welcome to join me. She passed, and I know she was a little bummed, but that is her problem not mine. I still had a lovely evening.

It's a delicate balance, for sure, both the friend part and the feelings of SI. I am working hard not to SI when I feel that overwhelming out-of-control anxiety where I just want to disappear. I know I'm emotional and sensitive and am easily exhausted from holding the "I'm fine" front all day. I have been working hard to be more patient with myself when I do have those crying moments, and just let them be, and let them pass. Reaching out here has been really helpful too, so great job on doing that!

Don't know if this helps, didn't expect it to be so long, but I hope you see that you are not alone! T is there to help you too, as hard as that may be. It makes a big difference to me not going this alone and having T in my corner.

T sounds a bit like BF. Just an observation. Your feelings re: work and being overwhelmed are totally normal. Hang in there. Things do improve. Can you perhaps find some distractions now? It might help prevent you from worrying so much about life. You have made it this far. Hang in there. Your mid-twenties and thirties can be a great time

Unfortunately, relationships do end sometimes. I haven't heard from my best friend in three weeks. She's BP and I know she's been having a difficult time with med changes and such plus raising two young kids with an H who works out of town a lot. I'd love to be supportive, but there is a long, sordid history between us, so she may just need time away from me. Or it may be ending. I'm learning I have to be okay either way.

Hi!

You've been thrown into a job without any training. Naturally you are going to feel bad. But as you find out what the job is about, you will get a handle on it and feel better.

The same applies to working for a living for the first time.

You've got a lot going on. Concentrate on surviving and these things will get better by themselves.

Thanks everyone! As bad as it sounds I’m just trying to cope at this point and trying to fight the incredible urge to SI. I know work will get better, but I’m sure it will get worse before it gets better. I just don’t understand why I get so upset out of nowhere. I have a lot going for me and I should realize that and I see it, but I can’t get it through my head.

Hope-full thank you for everything you said. I can totally relate to all of it. I use “I’m fine” constantly and I can usually hide my emotions. My T knows this about me so whenever I say “I’m fine” or “whatever” she doesn’t let it slide. She pushes me to tell her whats going on and half the time I’m not even sure. That’s the most frustrating part! Most of the time idk why I’m upset. With the friend thing, my T told me to try and set some boundaries with her, but she hasn’t talked to me long enough for me to do that and now I don’t think she is talking to me at all and idk why. I honestly think that is most of the reason I’m so upset outta nowhere. I guess I need time to heal, but right now it doesn’t feel like it will get better. I’m still trying to hang in there and see what happens. I just feel like I’m going thru life as a zombie right now.